URNotAlone

Merry Christmas to all and Happy Holidays

December 23rd, 2007 11:28 am MST

Hi Everyone!!!!!!  Just wanted to stop in and wish you all a safe and wonderful Christmas.  I hope all your dreams come true and I hope you all have a wonderful, bright and happy new year.  Happy Holidays!!!!  Love, Jackie Lee. 

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Transition Update

December 10th, 2007 9:03 pm MST

Well, its been a while since I’ve made a journal entry, so I figure its about time that maybe I sit down and write a little something. But instead of writing about my views on the Universe and the World and such, I thought I’d maybe just give an update on how things are going in my life and with my transition. So here goes……

Let’s see…..it’s been 8 months, give a week or so, since I started my transition. Its amazing how it seems like it was just yesterday. But April 4^th, 2007 was the very first day I started my transition in earnest. That was the very first time I ever felt the sting of a laser zap!!! And to this day I have had six treatments in all. And in all, about 95% of all my dark facial hairs are gone! And currently I am working on my 30^th or so electrolysis visit to take care of the rest! It is working very well. There are some stuborn areas, but electrolysis is taking care of that. 

[As a side note…..I recommend to everyone interested in facial hair removal to FIRST do the laser thing, especially if you want a fast track to getting rid of facial hair. After about 4 or 5 visits you will have a very good idea of where on your face the laser is not going to be effective. For many people it is on the upper lip area and the chin. Also, after about 4 or 5 visits, you will be able to identify the lighter colored hairs the laser will not touch (gray, white, very very light tan or brown, etc.). And do NOT let ANYONE try to convince you that a laser can get rid of white or gray hairs…it CAN’T. Then you can go ahead and start electrolysis on those areas or those hairs. Done this way you could potentially save yourself thousands of dollars and years worth of time.]

Anyway, back to life.

Therapy. Hmmmm…lets see. I have the most wonderful therapist in the world. She’s an absolute expert in her field and has guided and counseled many M2F and F2M transitions. She is extremely well know in the transgendered community and has clients that travel hours to meet with her. She has spoken at many well know TG events and she’s is GREAT! She has done wonders for me and I am sooooo very lucky to have her so very close to me, especially for being up here in NH. I have met with her each week now since April this year and continue to do so but now on a bi-weekly basis. It was with her that I met my SOC requirements for hormone therapy and it was with her that I received my recommendations and referral for starting HRT.

So, what’s up with HRT?? Well, I am in the middle of my third month and things are going well. I have not noticed a lot yet, but one thing that is definitely noticeable is my hair. I have noticed, and friends have noticed, that my hair is becoming noticeably finer. Which, I was told, was one of the first things I could expect. Right now my endocrinologist has me on a low dosages but I meet with him in another couple of months for blood tests and to check my hormone levels. If everything checks out ok he will be upping my dosages and placing me on my permanent levels. That’s a good thing. And although I would certainly like those higher levels now, my doctor works very closely with my therapist and my therapist assures me that this is standard procedure with him. That’s ok with me. Making sure my transition remains healthy is paramount in my life. All good things come to those who wait so I certainly do not mind being patient and waiting!

What else is up? Let’s see. Wardrobe. I am building my wardrobe. Constantly. My housemate tells me I have one of the best casual wardrobes she’s ever seen!!! And that’s a good thing coming from a genetic female with a great taste in casual clothing. And my girlfriend tells me I’m doing great in that department too. Seems I have a good eye for many things female! There is certainly always more to buy, but it seems I just can’t stay away from the likes of JC Penney, Macy’s, and a few other stores! Wow do I love shopping! Certainly my formal outfits need some additions, but in reality, how often do I really wear a knock-out dress or skirt or top or 5" heels? Not often. And 5" heels? Not that I can walk in them all that well anyway, but not a lot of girls can. But reality is reality and for the most part jeans, shorts and spring and summer tops and sweaters are my favorites! The formal stuff takes a back seat to the casual every-day stuff. Only makes sense for me.

My job is going very well and I love my line of work. Although it is not purely what I spent many years in college for, I do, never-the-less use my skill sets on a daily basis. I honestly believe there are those that are wondering what I am up to with my outward appearance. I certainly do not wear female clothing to work but undoubtedly there are those that notice my hair is getting very long, my eyebrows appear much more female than male, and I don’t ever seem to have a 5:00 shadow, let alone any noticeable facial hair. I have not yet had my ears pierced, but that’s happening soon. Heck, in reality, there are plenty of guys at work with pierced ears and long hair anyway. Yup, lots of pony-tails where I work. Just not in the front office.

But here’s the weird part….what I have found is given changes in little small dosages, its seems like the majority of co-workers get over things. I remember all to well returning to work after a week of vacation this past summer. During that week off I had my eyebrows professionally plucked and shaped. I spent the entire week, almost full time, as Jackie. Girlfriends of mine and I had a blast that week. We went for glamour shots and spent a number of nights out on the town at some very well know spots in the Boston area. But the Sunday I returned home my housemate, who’s name I won’t mention, said to me…Oh my Gosh are you in TROUBLE!!! You look way to female!! And I said to her….GOOD! Well, that next day at work I remember all to well wanting not to move an inch from my desk. I was terrified. And when I finally did start walking around the office and on the production floor I absolutely KNEW for sure people were noticing my eyebrows. And I absolutely KNEW I was being treated a little different. I just knew. I could tell. People were wondering.

But you know what…people got used to it then. And now they are getting used to my long hair and lack of facial hair. And NO ONE has noticed my longer nails or that once in a while I will forget to remove all my clear nail polish. I think surely my pierced ears will be noticed once I have that done, but given the length of my hair I think the small studs I’ll be wearing to work will be for the most part covered up. But that too will eventually be forgotten. But really I have no intention of seeing how far I can push this outside of reason. I have a great job and I am not going to jeopardize that. My transition and my future depend entirely on my ability to do this right. Yup…small changes. Baby steps. Little doses. That’s the best way to make this happen.

Friends? I have NEVER EVER EVER had friends in my life like I have now. Close friends. Good friends. The best. Dear friends. Friends that care about me and friends that I care about. More than I ever have had in my life. I remember taking the COGIATI test for the very first time on Transexuality.Org. When it gave me my result in mentioned that to be happy I had to explore my transgendered side and decide, with professional help, just how far and in what direction I needed to go. But it also told me my transgendered path would lead me to an entirely new world of friends. And it has. The friends I have now are the friends I will be with the remainder of my life. Its so suprising how life turns on a dime. I have decided to transition. That’s definite. I knew I would loose friends because of it but in my wildest dreams I never imagined those friends would be replaced with friends of a far greater value. I am set for life in the friends department and I meet new and wonderful friends almost on a daily basis here on URNA.

So where do I go from here? Well, I’m working on paying down my small personal debt and saving my money. I have big plans for the new year. If all goes well and if things go as well as they have for the last eight months, the next eight months should prove to be fabulous. There is a lot to do and a lot to be done. But I am paying attention to the little details and doing everything I should be doing to make dreams come true. I have the help of wonderful people in my life. Friends, family, my therapist, my electrologist, my doctors and a special someone.

Time ticks on. And so does my transition. Now more than ever I am on my way! 

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Sacrifices and Missing SCC

September 18th, 2007 6:47 pm MDT

I’ve often heard that famous artists and famous authors put forth some of their very best work when their emotions are at an extreme. It doesn't matter whether they are up or down, sideways or front-ways. Their best work just seems to happen when things are going very good, or when things are going very bad. The band Fleetwood Mac, my favorite band of all time, is a prime example of that theory. Mick Fleetwood, John McVie, Christine McVie, Stevie Nicks, and Lindsey Buckingham produced their very best album ever, Rumors, when the members of the band were at their greatest odds with one another. Every single song on the album speaks of some emotional conflict or inner turmoil. And the result? The Rumors album set standards of sales in the US, and abroad, as well as for holding top popularity spots on both the American and European Pop Billboards.

With that in mind, I figure right now, this very evening, this very minute, this very second, is a great time to write my next journal entry. My emotions have been pretty much out on the edge for a while and even though I post this writing a bit belated relative to SCC, it still nevertheless captures my emotions of the time.

So as inhumane and depressing and embarrassing as it sounds, here it is…….this year I missed SCC. And for five solid days, I was a wreck. My closest girlfriend in the world, my closest friend period, was heading to Atlanta. But I was staying home. Other girlfriends of mine were heading to Atlanta. But I was staying home. For all I knew, the entire world was heading to Atlanta. But poor old me, well, I was staying home.

Prior to even thinking of SCC this year a road map to my future was already carefully planned and laid out before me. My expenses over the next year and a half were specific……gender counseling, electrolysis treatments, laser treatments, doctors visits, and HRT costs. Other expenses too, like gas expenses, mortgage expenses, expenses for paying down debt, and a budget to get me to my FFS next year. All these things were carefully thought out and laid down in paper and ink. And not only had I invested time in this planning, but I had involved the time of others in planning these things too. Their time was valuable too. I knew that. I knew that very well. And I knew very well that SCC was out of the question this particular year. That was that and there was no discussion otherwise. It just was not going to happen. Not this year.

Fortunately enough, or unfortunately enough, depending on whose viewpoint you consider, I wasn't alone in this plight. Another dear and wonderful girlfriend of mine out west had taken a stand for certain sacrifices. As a result of carefully laid down plans and road maps to her future, she, like myself, knew at the time of her decision that certain wants and desires, i.e., SCC, needed to be brushed aside in light of more important and immediate things. Things like having a home and putting food on the table. Things like paying for gas to put in a car. Gas to put in a car to get you to work. Gas to get you to work so you could make money. Making money to buy food. Buying food to keep you nourished. Keeping you nourished so you could work . Working so you could make money. Well, you know the drill. Round and round it goes.

OK. So what about SCC? ??????? No SCC silly. Not this year. Remember?

So I recognized all that stuff this year and I had made my decision. So didn't my girlfriend 1200 miles away. We were both strong individuals and knew what we had to do. And we knew, although we would miss SCC, we’d be OK with it. We knew that next year we would be there. And be there in a much better financial position than we ever could have been this year. We knew all that. We knew, that because of the sacrifice of not going THIS year, that we would be in a position to really shine at SCC next year.

Then Wednesday September 12^th rolled around and friends of ours were on their way. On their way south. On their way to SCC. And that’s when it hit me. It hit us both. Both my girlfriend and I 1200 miles away. WE WERE AT HOME AND SCC WAS IN ATLANTA.

So began 5 days of agony.

If someone could find a way to stream highlights of SCC onto the Internet and charge for it they would make a fortune. They would be rich flat out rich, filthy rich. Maybe not going to SCC would not have been so hard if something like that was available. Or maybe it would have been harder because we would have been able to see in real time what we were missing. Luckily, my dear girlfriend at SCC was kind enough to call me and keep me updated as to what was going on. With all that she was involved in there she actually took the time to call me!!! And not just once a day, a number of times each day. In the morning, sometimes in the afternoon, and always in the evening! She even on occasion put her cell phone on speaker so I could hear the goings on around her.

At one point, when she was in her room with her SCC roommate and they were getting ready to go out for the night, she put her cell phone on speaker and set it down. She set it down so I could hear her as well as her roommate. And on one of those occasions I laid on my bed, Lord only knows how many miles away, tucked myself into a fetal position, and listened to their conversation and their laughter. I could hear them exchanging ideas about what clothes to wear, what shoes to wear, what make-up to wear. I was so involved in listening that I did not even realize I was not saying anything. Not a word. Not a single word. I was perfectly silent. So silent, in fact, that my dear friend asked if I was still there. And if I was, to say something. Anything.

Yes, I was there. I was there on the other end of the phone. But I wasn't going to say anything. I didn't want to say anything. I really didn’t want too. You see, on other occasions I had been with my girlfriend and other girlfriends on very similar outings, in very similar settings. We may not have been at a big event like SCC, but we were all together on a very special outing, doing exactly the same thing my girlfriend and her roommate were doing….getting dressed and getting ready to go out. And in doing so, having a blast. Those particular times are the times you carry in your heart all the days of your life. You remember them well, always. Those are the times that are indelible as black ink. They can’t be forgotten. Those times stick, stick like glue. You live for those memories. You thrive on those memories.

So while I laid on my bed and listened to my girlfriend and her roommate in their hotel room at SCC, I closed my eyes and put myself right there in the very same hotel room with them. And in my own little room I knew I was there, there with them in Atlanta. I could see my girlfriend’s face and her roommate’s face. I saw their smiles and I heard and felt their laughter. I felt their friendship and their warmth. I envisioned the room and the hotel. I anticipated the excitement of walking to the lobby with them and walking into the banquet rooms. I heard the sound of other girls walking up and down the hall way beside us and the clatter of their heels and ours. I could hear so well the wonderful laughter of Sisters.

And then, in my own little room, in my own little world miles away, I realized what I was missing. And it hit me pretty hard. So, after getting off the phone, after hanging up the connection whose other end was in the only part of the country that really mattered, I called my girlfriend out west. My girlfriend out west who had also not gone to SCC. And low and behold, she was taking things as hard as I was. So hard, in fact, that I knew she was as much a wreck as I.

So why had we not talked more about going or not going? Why had we not considered things more carefully? That didn’t matter now. We messed up! Certainly SOMEHOW we could have made it happen? Right?

I guess that’s what life is all about though. Sacrifices. Both my friend and I knew that then and we know that now. We knew we were not in a position to go to SCC this particular year. And as does she, I have much bigger plans for next years SCC.

You see, if all goes well with me, if I pay attention, REALLY pay attention, if I follow the plans I laid so carefully out in front of me, the plans I laid out in favor of sacrificing SCC this year, then next year is my year. And If I play my cards right and follow each and every step I’ve outlined for myself, spend nothing more than I have set aside for me to spend, waste nothing more than I have set aside for me to waste, then next year I will be at SCC!

Except NEXT year there’s going to be a new girl on the block!!!! And next year the sun will shine in Atlanta like its never shined before!!! ‘Cause NEXT year I will BE THERE! Jackie will be there. Transformation and all! And more importantly, I will be there with my closest friends in the world, my girlfriends. The friends that matter to me most.

So now, right now, sitting here at my key board, I all of a sudden realize something…..missing SCC this year wasn’t so bad after all. After all, good things always come to those who wait. They always have and always will. That is what I believe .

So I have decided to wait!

Love,

Jackie Lee!

[5 comments]

Saying Good-Bye

August 1st, 2007 5:45 pm MDT

Saying Good-bye

There are a lot of things in my life I have had to say good-bye to over the years. As a child I’d say good bye to my school friends at the end of the school year, or good bye to my favorite toys when it was time to stuff them away in the closet. I’d even say good bye to my favorite stuffed animals in the morning when I went to school. No matter what, saying good bye was always hard at that age.

As I grew older, saying good bye became easier. I’d say good-bye to family members at the end of a holiday get together, which was no big deal really. I’d say good bye to the few school mates I had at the end of the school year or I’d say good bye to friends at the end of a get-together or a vacation. Once again, no big deal. I’d even say good bye to the ocean and the mountains when I went home after a weekend stay. Sometimes that seemed more difficult than saying goodbye to family and friends. No matter what, saying good-bye was something I had to do on occasion.

But life constantly changes.

As I work through my transition, saying goodbye is starting to become a regular part of my life. And for some things, saying good bye is easy, and for other things, saying good bye is hard. As I work towards my goal, there are many, many things from my past I will need to say good-bye to and leave behind. Certainly there are old friends whom I have not seen in years and years, and truth be told, I’ve sub consciously distanced myself from them in preparation for my new life. Saying good bye to them will be easy. I just won’t need to.

In retrospect, there are many new friends in my life whom my transition has lead me to meet. And I am constantly meeting more and more wonderful people all the time. Whether I talk to them on the phone, in e-mails or in person, saying good bye is always difficult. Even saying good night after a long telephone conversation can be hard. I just do not like doing that.

Recently, I had the wonderful, life changing experience of spending the better part of an entire week with a number of my girlfriends. We roomed together, went out to dinner together, went to night clubs together, and even went to a photo shoot together. We did everything together. At the end of that week, saying good bye to those dear friends was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I cried as I said good bye and I fought back tears all the way home. It was heart wrenching.

Along with having to say good bye to those wonderful girlfriends, there was another dear friend I needed to say good bye to temporarily. That was me. Having lived nearly full-time as Jackie for the better part of the week, I learned a lot about myself from that experience. I learned I loved who I had become and who I wanted to be. I was pretty sure that living full time for that short period would be hard to let go of, but it was much more difficult than I ever imagined.

I’m constantly told by my dearest girlfriend Karen that I am a girl on the inside and nothing can take that away. That is undeniable and unchangeable. She strives to convince me no matter whether I am Jack or Jackie on the outside I am still a girl on the inside. That’s hard to grasp. She’s right really, but having that connection between my inner self and my female outward appearance absolutely completes my personality, my persona and my existence. For the time being and in the short term, I’ll need to embrace Jackie on the inside with happy anticipation of the next time Jackie shines on the outside.

Moving towards my HRT, my FFS and my transition to full time female existence, I will need to say good bye to the person I once was. To be exact, I’ll need start, and eventually all together, say good-bye to my full time male existence and persona. That will initially be a gradual task but eventually I’ll need to let go entirely. But is that entirely true?

I’ve read of so many transitioning individuals whom hated their former selves so very much that they could not wait to rid themselves of their former life and move on. Many of those whom I have read about hated their former genetic selves so much that they were ashamed of who they once were, both inside and outside. While transitioning is certainly all about changing your outward appearance to match your inner soul, for me at least, it’s not about totally discarding and abandoning all that I was once. Without a doubt, there are many positive aspects of my previous and current self that I am just not willing to say good-bye to.

While there is no doubt in my mind that I wish I had transitioned at an earlier age in life, the benefit of waiting this long has certainly lead to many positive learning experiences that I will forever keep with me. To be sure, once I fully transition, I will have a distinct advantage over my genetic female sisters. After all, I will have lived half of my life as a genetic male. There are just so many advantages I can think of. Perhaps the greatest being the male advantage of strength in self preservation.

During my recent outing with my girlfriends, I found myself alone on the streets of Boston walking to our car. It wasn’t something I had chosen to do, but under the circumstances at the time, it was something I found myself having to do. Being 110% passable as a female, I felt vulnerable and exposed to the world. The attention I was receiving from the genetic males in the area, and even a couple of genetic females, assured me I was attractive, but at the same time, assured me I was at risk. There was without a doubt a certain nervous anticipation I experienced of reaching our car and safely seating myself inside and shutting the doors.

Truth be told, that experience was absolutely wonderful as it was definitely the first time in my life I looked at the world 100% through the eyes of a female. And that feeling was very similar to those feelings of vulnerability I experienced in the night club that evening as I was approached by genetic males and asked to dance or just asked for social interaction. Strangely enough, I loved that feeling and want it for the rest of my life. Its part of being female, its part of me and it’s what I am willing to accept and what I want to embrace for the rest of my life on this earth.

Interestingly enough, although I felt very vulnerable at times and even somewhat scared that evening, there was a part of me that was confident in who I was and what myself preservation capabilities were. After all, there were many years of my earlier age where I was the attractee and not the attractor. There were many occasions where it was me, as a genetic male, approaching a genetic female in a night club with the intention of asking her to dance or just to talk. So really, even though I had not thought about it at the time, sub consciously at least, I already knew to some extent what to expect when being approached in the club or out on the street. There was an air of self confidence I carried which was certainly a benefit to me that a purely genetic female might not ever have experienced.

All of that self confidence wasn’t just a coincidence; it came from years of life experience as a male in this world. There are just too many positive experiences in my past history that will benefit me in my new life and lead me to being confident in who I am and what my capabilities are as a female. And I am not willing to say good bye to any of that. Most certainly and most definitely I cherish that ability and will take it with me in my new life as Jackie. To that extent, I am not willing to, nor will I ever, say good bye.

I love all of my sisters and wish you the very best in life, in love, and in your future.

Sincerely and with Love,

~ Jackie Lee

[2 comments]

The Center of My Universe

June 30th, 2007 7:47 am MDT

As I have traveled through the last 40 or so years of my life, I have been lucky enough, as a GM, to have made some wonderful friendships along the way. When I was a child, there seemed to always be a number of boys and girls in my life with which I had always found myself around, mostly because they were either neighbors or the children of close friends of my parents. It seems as thought fate had chosen my young wold of friends for me.

Years down the road, as I approached my early teens, those choices seemed to land more upon my responsibility than the fate of that decision being in the hands of the children of my parents friends or neighbors. Now I had more choices to choose from. Exposure to an extended population of children my age was more at hand, be it on the school bus, the play ground, etc. Lucky for me, I always seem to have made the correct discussions, because for the most part, the friends I had made in my early teen years carried me right through Jr. High and High School. And the bond which developed between us continued to grow stronger and stronger throughout the years. Unfortunately, those friends were few and very far between as my Jr. High and High School years were ones of great difficulty due to my gender issues. Nevertheless, I managed to maintain a small, but closely nit, group of friends whom looked inside of me and saw ME, not some punching bag they could have fun with. Those were my true friends.

As life would have it, however, graduating High School not only meant entering a world of new opportunity, it also meant leaving old friends behind. For sure, heading out into the real world, leaving the safety of my small family of friends, was, to be sure, challenging and worrisome. I seemed to survive, however, because my 20’s and 30’s rewarded me with friendships which I have cherished even to this very day. Those old friends, although to this day are completely unknowing of my gender issues, I am sure recognized the fact that I led a somewhat different life from all of them. Sure, my 10 or so years with my wonderful ex-wife seemed completely normal to the outside world, but in reality, I was hiding a secret inside which had been my life’s developing story from as far back as I can remember. And once divorced, it was apparent to everyone that I was somewhat of a loner. I seemed to always be the only single person at all the parties and cookouts and get togethers. Not a single friend, however, choose to treat me any differently because of that. On the contrary, I always seem to feel that I was thought of more kindly because my friends recognized I was alone, and it seemed like people in my life actually went out of their way to include me in their lives.

Things are very different today. Almost every friend I had ever made in life is distant but not forgotten. There are hundreds of memories and photographs to remind me of where I have been with my relationships. And although I find myself again at the tail end of another GG relationship, the last of this life I know, I have come to realize that nature has a reason for everything. For certain, the distance that has developed between me and my world of friends is not without reason. In fact, I am now sure I have sub-consciously made that happen in order to prepare myself for my transition and my new life.

But WAIT!!!!!! All of a sudden I look around me and I am not alone in this world at all. Thanks to URNA I have developed a totally new world of friends, and a family of sisters who are at the core of my heart and soul. And I say with absolute certainly, THIS time, these friends will not become distant in my life. THIS time, these friends will be with me for the rest of my life. THIS time, I know that I will never be alone again.

A new and final chapter of my life has begun. Fourty years of doubt, confusion, denyl and lying are behind me. Fourty years of old friends are now so very distant. But this new and final chapter of my life promises to be so very much more than anything I have ever experianced. I am now trully alive in spirit and happiness. It is almost like, no, it IS, a second chance at life. And this time I will do it right. And this time my world of friends will never be left behind.

My new friends, all the girls I have met here on URNA, will be by my side for ever. And I by theirs. Each and every one of you are like the stars that shine and twinkle on a cloudless moon lit night. And when the sun rises in the morning, each of you are a ray of sunlight that brightens and warms my face. You all are my strength and encouragement, my happiness and joy. I Love each and every one of you with all my heart and soul. I will never turn my back on you and I will never let you down. That is my life’s promise to you.

I need not mention names here. You know who you are. True friendships do not require identification by name. We just know who each of us is talking about. The thoughts and love that comprise true friendship need no words and need no writings. Those feeling are too powerful to be expressed in worldly terms. The feelings of true friendship are a given, a God given gift, something that just exist from within.

A new Universe had been born for me. A billion new suns shine from within my heart. And its all because of my friends I have made here on URNA. Its all because of the friends whom I now share my life with. You Girls ARE THE CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE.

I Love you all with all my heart.

~ Jackie

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Friends

June 16th, 2007 7:04 am MDT

Hello to all my wonderful girlfriends! I wanted to first apologize if I have not responded to you all in a timely fashion. As you probably all know, I had some dental work done this past week and it was tough gong for a while, but I’m dong much better. I’m finally getting back to being myself!

Which leads me to my next thought…..I wanted each and everyone of you to know that I Love you all. Your thoughts and concerns have blown me away. Its soooooo sooooo good to have friends like you. I wish I had decided years ago to do this, to finally stop denying myself my happiness and being who I am, but I suppose life is about living and learning and moving forward in the direction which leads you to happiness and success within your soul. So I guess waiting until now was just part of the learning process I needed to go through. Which meant, I suppose, I also had to wait to meet my wonderful new friends here too!

My therapist tells me that she is so very impresses with my knowing of exactly who I am and who I want to be. There’s certainly no doubt in my mind anymore, and my transition will only ultimately lead to my life and soul being fulfilled, and my outward appearance, I hope, eventually shining like my inner self does. I know my transition will be filled with challenges, but I refuse to live my life any other way. I have the support of family (well, at least my Mom, I’m waiting for my brother and his wife to move back from CA this summer before telling them or my sister and her husband) and some wonderful close friends, and even my ex-fiancée. And all my friends here!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was once asked by my therapist if I had made any friends in the TG community. At that particular time (when I saw her for the first time over three months ago) I had not even yet joined URNA, so my answer to her was extremely limited. But now, I find myself constantly telling her, with excitement, of all the wonderful friends I have met here. I can honestly say this much for sure…..each and every one of you, and even the GF’s I have yet to meet, are making a HUGE difference in my life. You all have become an intricate part of my life now, and I am finding myself always checking my email to see who might of stopped into my URNA site to say hello.

Our transgendered lives are not always easy. For those who have made the transition (Karen honey, that means you!), I applaud you with all my heart and soul. For those just starting their transition or at any point into it, my heart and soul are with you and I wish you all the very best of luck. For those of you who are still struggling and coping with your feelings and what to do about your life, I say this….God Bless you with whatever decisions you make. Above all, remember this….you absolutely cannot, in no way, love others with your heart and soul if you first cannot love yourself. It took me 45 years to realize that, and now that I have, I find that I now know EXACTLY who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, and what I need to do to get there. And through it all, I know I will have all my wonderful friends here at URNA to help guide me through my life. I Thank God for all of you.

I love you all and I am so very very thankful for your existence in my life. I can no longer imagine my life without you all in it. I look forward to one day meeting and spending time with each and every one of you. May your soul and your heart always be happy, and may life be everything you want it to be.

~ Jackie Lee

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Sucess and the Population Majority

June 2nd, 2007 12:27 pm MDT

Last night I finished reading "She’s Not There", by Jennifer Finney Boylan, an auto-biography of her life and gender transition. It was the second of three books which my therapist wanted me to read, the first being True Selves, the third being Trans-Sister Radio. When I started Jennifer’s book, I thought I would be reading a descriptive memoir of her life leading up to and through her transition. And I was. However, I was also pleasantly surprised to find this book was so much more than just that. It is said that literature can be the eyes to the soul, and for me at least, the experience of reading this book made that ring true. I learned so much about the human spirit, and of love, from this book that I will be forever be changed by its contents. I suggest this book to anyone and everyone, transgendered or not.

Lately, as my life changes and my transition unfolds, I have learned much about myself of which I was not previously aware. Until recently, I have truly felt that my life has been a failure. I have beaten myself up over the years for continually failing to fit the mold of a normal male. And no matter how much I have tried, I have never succeeded in pushing aside my inner feelings of femininity. I have simultaneously hated the person I am on the outside, and despised my self on the inside, all because I felt my soul and mental states had prevented me from being successful in life. I always considered myself to be a failure because, even after successfully completing college, selected graduate studies and securing wonderful jobs in my field, I was never able to hold down a relationship with a member of the opposite sex (i.e., a female). But what does being successful really mean to the human spirit? Does it mean graduating from high school, going to college, securing a good job, getting married and raising a family? Is the definition of successful associated with a monetary value, or the ability to acquire equity through the collection of personal belongings?

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines Successful as: 1) having a favorite outcome, 2) having obtained something desired or intended, 3) having achieved wealth or eminence. While I make no effort to pretend I am a scholar of the English language, I argue fault in definition 3, at least from a human spirit perspective. I do, however, embrace definitions 1 and 2 as I believe these are quintessential requirements in finding peace within ones soul. Unfortunately, most of my life, as judged by this declaration, has failed. But no more will that be the case. When my soul rises from my dead body on the day of my death, I will find solitude in the fact that the American Heritage Dictionary has allowed me to attach success to my life!

The last couple of weeks, in fact the last week, has proved to be a turning point for me and my future. I’ve let certain family members and close friends know of my life long secrets and my intentions to transition and, thankfully, they have sympathized and expressed their support. I have made a pact with my soul which guarantees my fate, or at least as I will have it, and I have come to the utter realization that although my life has failed me (or, probably more accurately, I have failed life), there has been reason for it. I know what I now need to do to be successful in having a fulfilling and happy future. From this day forward I will no longer be ashamed of my feminine soul. To the contrary, I will cherish it and depend on it to lead me into a future where I can be my true self. No longer will I be my worst enemy, but my best friend. No longer will I hate myself for who I am, but I will love myself for who I will be. No longer will I despise my reflection in the mirror, but instead find solitude and joy in witnessing the transformation.

Intrinsic in human nature is the behavior of society to be judgmental based on the majority opinion. Consider, for example, the clinical definitions defined within the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-IV. These codes and definitions, compiled and published by and for the clinical behavioral health industry, are the guidelines used for attaching diagnosis to mental disorders and behaviors. But this information has been compiled by individuals comprising a cross section of society considered to be members of the behavioral health industry, exclusive, I am sure, of any individual who is a member of the transgendered community. In short, the majority is judging the minority.

As explained in Jennifer Finney Bolyan’s book, Professor Lynn Conway at the University of Michigan estimates that there are forty thousand transgendered M2F individuals in this country that have gone through SRS. And while it is unknown how many of us there are in transition, or who simply spend much of their lives in male form and express their visible feminine side or rare occasions, one thing is for sure, our plight is wide spread. Widespread enough so that, according to Professor Conway, our condition is statistically more common that cleft palate and multiple sclerosis. Widespread or not, compared to the common population, we are the minority and we are being judged by individuals comprising the majority of the worlds population, clinical professionals or otherwise.

Fortunately, I have decided I will no longer be concerned by the beliefs and judgmental characteristics of the majority population. And although I am thankful my therapist has guidelines by which she can attach clinical definitions to my condition (not to mention a way to bill my insurance company), I will no longer worry about how I am viewed by others outside of our community, i.e., the population majority. To this end, I can now concentrate on my own life, and not the lives of others who may chastise me and belittle me for who I am and who I will become. This, I have decided, is the only way I can go through transition and enjoy it and embrace it, not worry about it.

I invite all my sisters in the transgendered community to consider what I have said here today. And for some of you, I fully understand the impossibility of transition. Furthermore and more importantly, I fully understand the impossibility of throwing all caution to the wind and not caring at all what the majority population believes. That is not what I am suggesting as that behavior would certainly be irresponsible and would undoubtedly result in unwanted outcomes. I do, however, invite and encourage us all to believe in ourselves first and who we are, and accept the pure and absolute gift of being transgendered. Then worry about everyone else if you must. We may be the minority population on this earth, but we truly have a gift the majority of the world will never experience. That is the gift and ability to know exactly who we are, and to see the world from not one set of eyes, but from two. That, in itself, in my opinion at least, is the purest definition of being successful in life.

I Love you all and I wish every one of you the very very best life and existence has to offer.

~ Jackie Lee

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