URNotAlone

Saying Good-Bye

August 1st, 2007 5:45 pm MDT

Saying Good-bye

There are a lot of things in my life I have had to say good-bye to over the years. As a child I’d say good bye to my school friends at the end of the school year, or good bye to my favorite toys when it was time to stuff them away in the closet. I’d even say good bye to my favorite stuffed animals in the morning when I went to school. No matter what, saying good bye was always hard at that age.

As I grew older, saying good bye became easier. I’d say good-bye to family members at the end of a holiday get together, which was no big deal really. I’d say good bye to the few school mates I had at the end of the school year or I’d say good bye to friends at the end of a get-together or a vacation. Once again, no big deal. I’d even say good bye to the ocean and the mountains when I went home after a weekend stay. Sometimes that seemed more difficult than saying goodbye to family and friends. No matter what, saying good-bye was something I had to do on occasion.

But life constantly changes.

As I work through my transition, saying goodbye is starting to become a regular part of my life. And for some things, saying good bye is easy, and for other things, saying good bye is hard. As I work towards my goal, there are many, many things from my past I will need to say good-bye to and leave behind. Certainly there are old friends whom I have not seen in years and years, and truth be told, I’ve sub consciously distanced myself from them in preparation for my new life. Saying good bye to them will be easy. I just won’t need to.

In retrospect, there are many new friends in my life whom my transition has lead me to meet. And I am constantly meeting more and more wonderful people all the time. Whether I talk to them on the phone, in e-mails or in person, saying good bye is always difficult. Even saying good night after a long telephone conversation can be hard. I just do not like doing that.

Recently, I had the wonderful, life changing experience of spending the better part of an entire week with a number of my girlfriends. We roomed together, went out to dinner together, went to night clubs together, and even went to a photo shoot together. We did everything together. At the end of that week, saying good bye to those dear friends was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I cried as I said good bye and I fought back tears all the way home. It was heart wrenching.

Along with having to say good bye to those wonderful girlfriends, there was another dear friend I needed to say good bye to temporarily. That was me. Having lived nearly full-time as Jackie for the better part of the week, I learned a lot about myself from that experience. I learned I loved who I had become and who I wanted to be. I was pretty sure that living full time for that short period would be hard to let go of, but it was much more difficult than I ever imagined.

I’m constantly told by my dearest girlfriend Karen that I am a girl on the inside and nothing can take that away. That is undeniable and unchangeable. She strives to convince me no matter whether I am Jack or Jackie on the outside I am still a girl on the inside. That’s hard to grasp. She’s right really, but having that connection between my inner self and my female outward appearance absolutely completes my personality, my persona and my existence. For the time being and in the short term, I’ll need to embrace Jackie on the inside with happy anticipation of the next time Jackie shines on the outside.

Moving towards my HRT, my FFS and my transition to full time female existence, I will need to say good bye to the person I once was. To be exact, I’ll need start, and eventually all together, say good-bye to my full time male existence and persona. That will initially be a gradual task but eventually I’ll need to let go entirely. But is that entirely true?

I’ve read of so many transitioning individuals whom hated their former selves so very much that they could not wait to rid themselves of their former life and move on. Many of those whom I have read about hated their former genetic selves so much that they were ashamed of who they once were, both inside and outside. While transitioning is certainly all about changing your outward appearance to match your inner soul, for me at least, it’s not about totally discarding and abandoning all that I was once. Without a doubt, there are many positive aspects of my previous and current self that I am just not willing to say good-bye to.

While there is no doubt in my mind that I wish I had transitioned at an earlier age in life, the benefit of waiting this long has certainly lead to many positive learning experiences that I will forever keep with me. To be sure, once I fully transition, I will have a distinct advantage over my genetic female sisters. After all, I will have lived half of my life as a genetic male. There are just so many advantages I can think of. Perhaps the greatest being the male advantage of strength in self preservation.

During my recent outing with my girlfriends, I found myself alone on the streets of Boston walking to our car. It wasn’t something I had chosen to do, but under the circumstances at the time, it was something I found myself having to do. Being 110% passable as a female, I felt vulnerable and exposed to the world. The attention I was receiving from the genetic males in the area, and even a couple of genetic females, assured me I was attractive, but at the same time, assured me I was at risk. There was without a doubt a certain nervous anticipation I experienced of reaching our car and safely seating myself inside and shutting the doors.

Truth be told, that experience was absolutely wonderful as it was definitely the first time in my life I looked at the world 100% through the eyes of a female. And that feeling was very similar to those feelings of vulnerability I experienced in the night club that evening as I was approached by genetic males and asked to dance or just asked for social interaction. Strangely enough, I loved that feeling and want it for the rest of my life. Its part of being female, its part of me and it’s what I am willing to accept and what I want to embrace for the rest of my life on this earth.

Interestingly enough, although I felt very vulnerable at times and even somewhat scared that evening, there was a part of me that was confident in who I was and what myself preservation capabilities were. After all, there were many years of my earlier age where I was the attractee and not the attractor. There were many occasions where it was me, as a genetic male, approaching a genetic female in a night club with the intention of asking her to dance or just to talk. So really, even though I had not thought about it at the time, sub consciously at least, I already knew to some extent what to expect when being approached in the club or out on the street. There was an air of self confidence I carried which was certainly a benefit to me that a purely genetic female might not ever have experienced.

All of that self confidence wasn’t just a coincidence; it came from years of life experience as a male in this world. There are just too many positive experiences in my past history that will benefit me in my new life and lead me to being confident in who I am and what my capabilities are as a female. And I am not willing to say good bye to any of that. Most certainly and most definitely I cherish that ability and will take it with me in my new life as Jackie. To that extent, I am not willing to, nor will I ever, say good bye.

I love all of my sisters and wish you the very best in life, in love, and in your future.

Sincerely and with Love,

~ Jackie Lee