URNotAlone

Sacrifices and Missing SCC

September 18th, 2007 6:47 pm MDT

I’ve often heard that famous artists and famous authors put forth some of their very best work when their emotions are at an extreme. It doesn't matter whether they are up or down, sideways or front-ways. Their best work just seems to happen when things are going very good, or when things are going very bad. The band Fleetwood Mac, my favorite band of all time, is a prime example of that theory. Mick Fleetwood, John McVie, Christine McVie, Stevie Nicks, and Lindsey Buckingham produced their very best album ever, Rumors, when the members of the band were at their greatest odds with one another. Every single song on the album speaks of some emotional conflict or inner turmoil. And the result? The Rumors album set standards of sales in the US, and abroad, as well as for holding top popularity spots on both the American and European Pop Billboards.

With that in mind, I figure right now, this very evening, this very minute, this very second, is a great time to write my next journal entry. My emotions have been pretty much out on the edge for a while and even though I post this writing a bit belated relative to SCC, it still nevertheless captures my emotions of the time.

So as inhumane and depressing and embarrassing as it sounds, here it is…….this year I missed SCC. And for five solid days, I was a wreck. My closest girlfriend in the world, my closest friend period, was heading to Atlanta. But I was staying home. Other girlfriends of mine were heading to Atlanta. But I was staying home. For all I knew, the entire world was heading to Atlanta. But poor old me, well, I was staying home.

Prior to even thinking of SCC this year a road map to my future was already carefully planned and laid out before me. My expenses over the next year and a half were specific……gender counseling, electrolysis treatments, laser treatments, doctors visits, and HRT costs. Other expenses too, like gas expenses, mortgage expenses, expenses for paying down debt, and a budget to get me to my FFS next year. All these things were carefully thought out and laid down in paper and ink. And not only had I invested time in this planning, but I had involved the time of others in planning these things too. Their time was valuable too. I knew that. I knew that very well. And I knew very well that SCC was out of the question this particular year. That was that and there was no discussion otherwise. It just was not going to happen. Not this year.

Fortunately enough, or unfortunately enough, depending on whose viewpoint you consider, I wasn't alone in this plight. Another dear and wonderful girlfriend of mine out west had taken a stand for certain sacrifices. As a result of carefully laid down plans and road maps to her future, she, like myself, knew at the time of her decision that certain wants and desires, i.e., SCC, needed to be brushed aside in light of more important and immediate things. Things like having a home and putting food on the table. Things like paying for gas to put in a car. Gas to put in a car to get you to work. Gas to get you to work so you could make money. Making money to buy food. Buying food to keep you nourished. Keeping you nourished so you could work . Working so you could make money. Well, you know the drill. Round and round it goes.

OK. So what about SCC? ??????? No SCC silly. Not this year. Remember?

So I recognized all that stuff this year and I had made my decision. So didn't my girlfriend 1200 miles away. We were both strong individuals and knew what we had to do. And we knew, although we would miss SCC, we’d be OK with it. We knew that next year we would be there. And be there in a much better financial position than we ever could have been this year. We knew all that. We knew, that because of the sacrifice of not going THIS year, that we would be in a position to really shine at SCC next year.

Then Wednesday September 12^th rolled around and friends of ours were on their way. On their way south. On their way to SCC. And that’s when it hit me. It hit us both. Both my girlfriend and I 1200 miles away. WE WERE AT HOME AND SCC WAS IN ATLANTA.

So began 5 days of agony.

If someone could find a way to stream highlights of SCC onto the Internet and charge for it they would make a fortune. They would be rich flat out rich, filthy rich. Maybe not going to SCC would not have been so hard if something like that was available. Or maybe it would have been harder because we would have been able to see in real time what we were missing. Luckily, my dear girlfriend at SCC was kind enough to call me and keep me updated as to what was going on. With all that she was involved in there she actually took the time to call me!!! And not just once a day, a number of times each day. In the morning, sometimes in the afternoon, and always in the evening! She even on occasion put her cell phone on speaker so I could hear the goings on around her.

At one point, when she was in her room with her SCC roommate and they were getting ready to go out for the night, she put her cell phone on speaker and set it down. She set it down so I could hear her as well as her roommate. And on one of those occasions I laid on my bed, Lord only knows how many miles away, tucked myself into a fetal position, and listened to their conversation and their laughter. I could hear them exchanging ideas about what clothes to wear, what shoes to wear, what make-up to wear. I was so involved in listening that I did not even realize I was not saying anything. Not a word. Not a single word. I was perfectly silent. So silent, in fact, that my dear friend asked if I was still there. And if I was, to say something. Anything.

Yes, I was there. I was there on the other end of the phone. But I wasn't going to say anything. I didn't want to say anything. I really didn’t want too. You see, on other occasions I had been with my girlfriend and other girlfriends on very similar outings, in very similar settings. We may not have been at a big event like SCC, but we were all together on a very special outing, doing exactly the same thing my girlfriend and her roommate were doing….getting dressed and getting ready to go out. And in doing so, having a blast. Those particular times are the times you carry in your heart all the days of your life. You remember them well, always. Those are the times that are indelible as black ink. They can’t be forgotten. Those times stick, stick like glue. You live for those memories. You thrive on those memories.

So while I laid on my bed and listened to my girlfriend and her roommate in their hotel room at SCC, I closed my eyes and put myself right there in the very same hotel room with them. And in my own little room I knew I was there, there with them in Atlanta. I could see my girlfriend’s face and her roommate’s face. I saw their smiles and I heard and felt their laughter. I felt their friendship and their warmth. I envisioned the room and the hotel. I anticipated the excitement of walking to the lobby with them and walking into the banquet rooms. I heard the sound of other girls walking up and down the hall way beside us and the clatter of their heels and ours. I could hear so well the wonderful laughter of Sisters.

And then, in my own little room, in my own little world miles away, I realized what I was missing. And it hit me pretty hard. So, after getting off the phone, after hanging up the connection whose other end was in the only part of the country that really mattered, I called my girlfriend out west. My girlfriend out west who had also not gone to SCC. And low and behold, she was taking things as hard as I was. So hard, in fact, that I knew she was as much a wreck as I.

So why had we not talked more about going or not going? Why had we not considered things more carefully? That didn’t matter now. We messed up! Certainly SOMEHOW we could have made it happen? Right?

I guess that’s what life is all about though. Sacrifices. Both my friend and I knew that then and we know that now. We knew we were not in a position to go to SCC this particular year. And as does she, I have much bigger plans for next years SCC.

You see, if all goes well with me, if I pay attention, REALLY pay attention, if I follow the plans I laid so carefully out in front of me, the plans I laid out in favor of sacrificing SCC this year, then next year is my year. And If I play my cards right and follow each and every step I’ve outlined for myself, spend nothing more than I have set aside for me to spend, waste nothing more than I have set aside for me to waste, then next year I will be at SCC!

Except NEXT year there’s going to be a new girl on the block!!!! And next year the sun will shine in Atlanta like its never shined before!!! ‘Cause NEXT year I will BE THERE! Jackie will be there. Transformation and all! And more importantly, I will be there with my closest friends in the world, my girlfriends. The friends that matter to me most.

So now, right now, sitting here at my key board, I all of a sudden realize something…..missing SCC this year wasn’t so bad after all. After all, good things always come to those who wait. They always have and always will. That is what I believe .

So I have decided to wait!

Love,

Jackie Lee!