Journal Entries for Zoe Thorne
Untitled Post
October 22nd, 2008 12:21 pm MDT
Well , hello grls. I hope you are all doing well.
I want to ask you all something, relative to George Smitherman announcing recently that Ontario is going to relist sex-change surgery.
I greet this with mixed feelings, for I question whether or not it is enough. As an indivdual who lives with a sense of feeling incomplete, performing cosmetic surgery on my genitals, is fine when for I am by myself or with a lover, though it certainly is questionable whether one can enjoy their sexuality with this new non-functioning organ, for while it may look like a vagina on the outside, the truth is that it is not. Changing the look of my genitals is not going to make me feel more complete. No the truth of the matter is , our sense of who we are is greatly affected by how we are treated by others in everyday life. If I go out in woman's clothing, I know that I appear as a man in woman's clothing. And so, the vast majority of people will still refer to me in the masculine pronouns he, his, sir,etc. And this would not change with sex-change surgery. But if I had FFS then people will connect with the feminine facial features, and see me for who I am while at the same time ignoring my somewhat boxy body, for women do come in all shapes and sizes.
Finally at a more personal level, unlike some, I do not hate my penis, it isnot its fault it isn't a vagina. And in fact I can say uncategorically that my penis has brought me and a few others a healthy amount of pleasure. Why would I want to totally lose that, especially as a lesbian.
I know some of you girls will totally disagree with me and feel it is all about the genital surgery, and girls if that is how YOU feel, I would never want to deny you that, but for me it is not how I feel.
Gender is not about sex or sexuality, it has to do more with how we interact with society as a whole. Given the choice to choose between cosmetic surgery on my genitals or cosmetic surgery on my face, I would without hesitation choose cosmetic surgery on my face.
How do you feel about this?
I propose new guidlines for transitioning m2f.
1)Year one, begin hormone replacement therapy, you will know right away if this path is right for you.
2) Year two, FFS, now you can live for a year full time and if it is right for you then move on to step 3, or continue as you are, and enjoy life.
3)and if so desired cosmetic surgery o the genitals.
I wonder if there maynot be a class action suit here against the Ontario Government?
Ciao
Frida
Sept 08
September 12th, 2008 2:32 pm MDT
Well girls, it has been a while since I have been able to update my journal. There has been some technical problems. Problems have been solved. So here I am. 
lol It has been an eventful summer, as I have been coming out more and more and coming to realize what beautiful friends and family I have. I did not know I was so blessed. Few have seen me fully dressed as a woman, so that is another story. But what i have been doing is living more openly in what I call gender neutral. I am always wearing girls clothes be it jeans and t's, or other tops that are what I consider in that neutral range. I also openly shop with store clerks , whether it be lingerie or make up or anything. Very few giggle, most are quite receptive , and of course I can't help flirting with them. Stores I like to shop are Lush for the bath , Mac for make up, snd XXI for clothes. I have also spent this year having my facial hair removed, and I must say though it is far from done I am most pleased with the results. I look much younger and can now wear less make up with no stubble to hide.
Having gone to CAMH for the assessment, has given me cause to truly consider who I am. Am I man with the brain of a woman or am I woman in the body of a man? And at this point in my life, it is fair to say that for myself, both are right. Being percieved as male or female, is just that a perception. As an effeminate male, people will make other assumptions about me. As a masculine looking female they will make assumptions about me. Regardless of how I appear they will make assumptions about me, and more often than not those assumptions will be incorrect. So in the end its about what makes me happy . And what makes me happy is being me regardless of the clothes I wear. For who I am is not defined as a whole by the outfits I style for myself, for who I am as a person runs far deeper than that. It is about being true to my nature, who I am. Whether that is a man with the brain of a woman or a woman in the body of a man, in the end it is about what I call a hermaphroditic state of being.
Having said that, I know where my path lies and I know I want people to percieve my femininity more and more. To that end I dropped 20-30lbs , am letting my hair grow longer , and am having my beard removed, lets not forget all the epilation processes I have been using on the various parts of my body.LOL. Perhaps a little too much info there.Oh by the way anybody got any info on dealing with ingrown hairs, HELP ME!!!lol
So with a giggle and a kiss I say byebye..............
Holy crapolies
August 23rd, 2008 10:22 am MDT
It seems some of my journal entries have gone missine. Lets just say it is a beautiful summer so far. Nothing new to report except that I came out to my family and have received loving responses from them all. Thats not important , is it?
And now that I have done that, it is time to go back to the Doctor and get a referall to an endocrinologist to discuss some sort of hormone treatment.
Luv ya
Frida
It has been an eventful summer
August 1st, 2008 10:41 am MDT
Hi Grrls, wow, I have been trying to get in here to update my journal, little did I know that my subscription ran out. LOL
As you may have noticed by my last entry that I had been assessed at CAMH and all went rather well. I don't know how they got their bad reputation, though I do know that they are in a bind with their limited budget and all. Anyways, I did not get back to them when I didn't hear from them after a couple of months, because I felt I had other business that I needed to take care off. Mainly, coming out to my family. And so I sent my Dad a long letter explaining my 'medical condition' and all about the BST gland in the hipothalimus, and what that has been like, growing up. Especially growing up in an environment that made me feel like I was some sort of freak that no-body would want. Now, that I know this is the way God made me, and the more I think about it and the more accepting of it I am, the more I realize how blessed we are.
Anyway, I sent the email off to my Dad and he took over a week to respond. I was starting to think that I should change my name as I was feeling like I was about to be rejected. But interestingly enough, for me at least the sheer act of just telling them was like a great relief of my shoulders. I realized that, yes I would be disappointed if I was rejected, but that by being honest and living truthfully, and sharing with them regardless of ther response, I felt liberated. You have to understand that due to my fear of being rejected by my family, I slowly and methodicly rejected them over the years. So, I finally got a response and though they don't really comprehend what it is, they do still accept me, and in fact my Dad wished that I could of come to him sooner. Ahh, if only that was possible. But Dad had said the odd thing once and while that suggested he was not homophobic but maybe antigay.
I then asked my Dad to forward the letter to my siblings, and the only one to get back to me was one of my brothers whom I have not always gotten along with. He wanted to know what my intention was in telling my parents. And so I told him that my intention was one of healing . Upon which he confides to me that his daughter is gay, and he wishes me well. WOW I was somewhat stupified.
Now, the one thing I am realizing is this. With every step I take in coming out, another link in the chain of my internal opression falls off. In other words every little step liberates me that much more. And even more so, the more open I am the more I am able to shine..........
gotta go gf is here but I shall be back
Luv ya
Accessment at CAMH
January 15th, 2008 3:36 pm MST
Hi grls, yesterday I had my accessment with The Center for Addiction and Mental Health in their Gender Identity Clinic , which is not The Clarke Institute as I erroneously reported previously. Well, I can say without a doubt that it went very well indeed, ar least on an unnofficial way.
To start, I wore my pointy toed kitten heel boots, leather pants, a white shirt,vest and and 1970's suit jacket. Underneath, of course I had on some white frilly things and I did pad my boobs a little.(giggle) I wore my make up light using just foundation and some pink lipstickand mascara. My hair was parted at the side.
The Doctor was late so I chatted with his assistant first and then he joined us. They asked all the questions I thought they would ask and I answered them quite frankly, which they commented on as being refreshing. At first, I wasn't sure if I liked him at all. He had a somewhat brusk and direct nature about him , so I merely matched him by being direct back. The thing on my side was that I did not feel reliant on this meeting going well. If it didn't, then it would prove all the negative rumours that I had heard, as well I felt like I had alternatives. Be that as it may, it did go well, and I have only good things to report about the good doctor there.
They are going to take my case into conference, and forwrd the report to my doctor with the names of some surgeons who will perform the bilateral orchiechtomy and endocrinologists for the hrt that will be to follow.
I am so happy. Now all I have to do is wait. Argh!!!!!
Hugs and Kisses
Frida
OOPS
December 14th, 2007 3:26 am MST
Well, I did it. I went to my doctor and told her abot myself, and that there is no longer any need for me to deny it anymore. I requested a bilateral orchiechtomy and a hrt program suited to my needs. She called me back a few days later informing me that I have to go for an assessment at the Clarke Institute. While this doesn't fill me with dread, it does cause some trepidation. They have , from what I have heard, a bad reputation. Though I have no idea about specifics, only this vague yet negative rep. Well, it is late and I must go. But if any if you know anything about the Clarke that might be helpfull, thank you in advance.
Hugs&Kisses
Frida
saturday night
August 4th, 2007 11:37 am MDT
I will be down at Goodhandy's tonight for the Northbound Leather Fetish party, hope to see you there.
Ciao
Frida
07.27.07
July 26th, 2007 11:51 pm MDT
ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>That feels better. Thanks gurls. Ciao Frida
Stumbling out of the closet
July 10th, 2007 5:12 pm MDT
Well, I finally did it. I went out on Saturday night........in complete drag. It was really a first, but not a first. I had been going to my therapist in drag , but that was get in and get out , and try not to be seen. This was different. This was walking down the street in three inch heels saying , looking at me with every step. I went and bought some smokes and then went to Zelda's and sat on the patio and had a salad while I read one of the local mags. Afterward I wandered around and eventually went to a club. Where a nice young man bought me a pink rose for friendship and another told me he had a hundred dollars for me. Off with you , you dirty smelly unshaven animal. It was a great night, I drank double ameretto on the rocks.(that is one of my fave drinks, in case any of you ever see me out and want to buy a lady a drink.) For the record, I wore denim mini skirt and denim bustier, with capri tights and maryjane heels. I also went wigless, so my hair was swept forward and artic blonde. Unfortunately I don't have any pics. Next time I bring camera. Anyways, thats about it. Still kinda all giddy from it.Ciao...Frida
Untitled Post
July 5th, 2007 2:58 pm MDT
Hello everybody out there, and I mean all three of you. ;) Isn't today a beautiful day? Ok, what is it that i want to say hear on my first journal entry. Oh yeah. I remember. I'm getting my hair done today!!! WOOhoo. One more thing ....the toast is done. YahCiaoFrida
