Journal Entries for Marissa
Neglect
February 29th, 2008 7:42 am MST
One of my favorite sayings goes something like this, When everything you do to try and fix whatever it is that's broken, fails, try something different. Well all my life I have always tried the same things over and over again and nothing ever got better.
One major part of my life that I have never truly tried to fix was the acceptacne of myself when it came to dressing. All my life I have been miserable, with very low self esteem. I was in a marriage for 4 years and with that girl for over 10. The whole time she knew about me and tried (so she says) to accept it, but never did. Now that relationship is over and I am glad. My ex lied to me over and over again with just about everything, including my dressing.
Up until now, my dressing consisted of putting on panties, pantyhose and maybe heels. It was purely sexual. Although it still kinda is, I am finding it turning into more. No I do not want to live as a female, nor do I want to have a sex change but I have decided it is time to do something different. That something is to embrace the one thing I have yet to embrace. My feminin side. I have been fortunate enough and blessed enough to have someone brought into my life at just the right time that can and does accept me for who I am, that woman is Janine. She has been a godsend to me.
She has shown me I can still be me. As a matter of fact, she showed me that I am more me by embracing this part of myself. She showed me that I am still a man. Actually she showed me I am more of a man by embracing this side of me. Which is something that is very important to me.
Thus Marissa was born. She stayed in the womb for 33 years and now she has finally entered the world and it feels very, very liberating. It is no longer just a sexual experience but a spiritual experience. She's not the first person I have told, and she will not be the last. I am finally me and I am starting to love me for the first time in my life.
Janine has been there for all steps of Marissa's convergance. Janine took me on my first shopping experience (not as Marissa) to The Garden in Columbus, and walked me through it, keeping me comfortable. She showed me that people can accept me for who I am and not judge me for what I am into. I owe so much to her. But there are people in my life that still bring me down and use it against me. One even accepts me for it but in retalation has said some nasty words to me about it. But then I think of Janine and everyone on here and relise that everyone from my past relationships are ignorant. I keep my head up, although that is something that is very hard to do. I think to myself (another favorite saying of mine) that, The only people you need in your life, are the ones that prove they need you in theirs.
So far Janine is the only one that has proven to me that she needs me in hers. It has been a while since someone has. The last was my best friend James who was taken from me in a car crash back in 2003. He was a good man and may he rest in peace. I know if he knew, he would have accepted me. True friends are hard to come by, damn near impossible. And when one comes along you need to embrace them. Well, two new friends have come into my life over the last month. They are Janine and Marissa. And I love them both. Thank you.
