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Journal Entries for SpiritJacksonville, Florida (United States)
Spirit | tweak the world and work gets a little easier.
June 19th, 2008 5:47 pm MST
I'm in Boston and I really love it, here. Lately, though, work has been oppressive - i haven't even had the chance to go out because many of my friends who never knew me as Sue DO know I have a sweet apt and have invited themselves up <giggle>.
I realli don't mind because I love my friends and I love company, But it's all been ... well ... stressful. So I decided to chuck it all for a while and SHOP!! Surprisingly, I didn't buy anything pretty. Instead, I bought music. It was a good choice. here's what I bought:
Bloom (SarahMclachlan. Yes, yes I AM a girl, after all <giggle>), two disk "best of" Tori Amos (I luv her voice so much), Turn Around (Jonny Lang - RIDICULOUSLY good blues), Something equally bluesy by Keb Mo (left the CD in Apt so I don't know the name), a collection of Romantic Period guitar music, Bach's collected Toccata and Fugues (listening to it now - it makes me feel like a snowfalke in a blizzard <shivering happily>). Iraq (Black47 - please no political comments about this one. The Irish are among the most musical of cultures, and I love hearing lyrics that don't make soldiers sound llike war mongers. If you've been involved with that kind of stuff you'll remember things when you play it. You should play it anyway.) Time Out (Dave Brubeck Quartet. REALLY classic Jazz.I have an LP from my dad at home but people keep "borrowing" my cd :) ),
Now I'm looking at this STACK of CDs in Border's (wound up there after despairing in the music section of WalMart), thinking, "Crap this is gonna be expensive." But, as I passed the bargain table I still had to pick up a new copy of "legend" by Bob Marley and, for a realli cute surprise, Eddie Brickell n the New Bohemians! I was hopscotching through the aisles when I found that one :)
I get back to the office, pop Jonny Lang into my portable and, well, it was like, "No. no way. This won't work."
So Today I went out at lunch and bought a Klipsch satellite / subwoofer PC system. I am now FLOATING on a glorious sea of sound. everybody else has gone home so I'm shattering windows with the glorious sounds of pipe organ and JS Bach. I can't describe how happi I am now. I don't care if I work all night (which is good because I might be ... )
Guys and dolls, BUY this damned Klipsch system! it's $160 but it makes a PC sound .. well.. KLIPSCH. OMG it's good!
Thanks for listening I only wish I could REALLY share the music. Close your eyes and imagine Heaven and Hell shoved into a cuisineart. The image comes close, but the reality is more intense.
Love, and Compassion (which is Love after her acne clears) ,
Suzi
ps- of course it's one more heavy thing to shlep outta here when i head south again. YUK florida :(
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Spirit | does everybody else sometimes feel this way?
June 1st, 2008 10:17 am MST
I really wish, sometimes that I wanted to be a 24/7 girly girl. If I really wanted it, I know I would do it. And I think I'd be good at it.
The problem is that sometimes I don't feel girly. Sue's brother comes in and takes the reins for a while. This isn't just something I do to "get by" or hide behind. It's the way I feel at the moment and therein lies the headache. At arbitrary times, i feel masculine, and, when I do, Sue takes a nap for a while. There's really no internal conflict. Both sides coexist peacefully and together form my personality.
The problem is that I can't ever foretell how I'll feel in an hour, or even in five minutes. Right now I'm traveling and I asked some local girls where to go and they were so nice and supportive. I got everything ready, even mapquested all the directions.
But when it came time to dress I wasn't in the mood to be Suezie. I wasn't afraid or embarassed. I was just disinterested. That sucks I think because I know I would've had so much fun. I also feel like I let my sisters down a little by not going out to meet them. But I'm not going to force myself to be a girl. I'm a girl when I am and I'm not when I'm not. Because of this Im a totally natural girl when Im a girl because I AM a girl and not a guy pretending to be girl. I dont want to change this. I dress when it's natural for me. I just wish I could get the two parts of me to agree on some sort of time share :) <sigh> ME ME ME can you tell I'm very girlie at the moment? I apologize for this rant but I thought getting it all out might ease the frustration I feel when things like this happen. Thank you all for listening. Sue out <giggle> :)
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Spirit | I like to drive stick
May 28th, 2008 4:02 pm MST
I love driving and i like stick cars best cause they're the most fun to drive. I like nice cars - I have an A4, right now. It's used (I'm the third owner) but it's quattro and its white and I love it. I also like convertibles but I only owned one ever and, even though I always say, "Convertible HO!" when it's car buying time, somehow I never seem to find the right one.
I don't like new cars cause I hate loans and I hate losing 5 grand or more from my investment just by driving off the lot. So no new cars for me!! I'm not crazy about American cars (they're good cars. I just don't care for them, as a whole) because they always seem to be full of useless space in the passenger compartment. I like older cars 'cause they seem to have more glass and I like to see what's going on around me.
This morning I drove to work. It was a great time. The weather was sunny and just chilly enough to open the roof and all the windows. Cranked up the stereo to drown out the wind. Early. in the City. Back in the Northeast (traveling on business YAY) working the Stick and drinking coffee at the same time.
And that's why I think I'm cool - cause Sue can drive stick and drink hot coffee and still look pretty for work.
...can't wait to go see speed racer :)
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Spirit | Planting a Tree
May 18th, 2008 8:21 am MST
I'm traveling, again. I used to travel a lot on business. Not so much, anymore, and I've really missed it but I'm so happy to be in a place I've never visited before! I went for a walk last night. The air was cold and the sky was clear and people were so very nice. I'm looking out my window now and so happy to see pretty buildings with old fashioned architecture all around me. My job can sometimes suck, but it doesn't, right now, so I'm going to enjoy the moment for all it's worth. Love you all - Suesie
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Spirit | walking
May 12th, 2008 12:40 pm MST
she's walking now. she walked yesterday and will walk tomorrow. Sometimes she forgets she's even walking. she feels anger or distress and the world implodes on her, invading her true mind, breaking her thoughtless concentration. Threatened, she may lash out. Acting harshly and hurting, she ties herself down, drawn further into the feaux world. Her true mind betrayed by her emotions, she shudders like Atlas 'neath the weight of stress and loneliness. She cries alone inside, soflty like Penelope, her house taken, her virtue the prize in a contest of thieves. Sometimes she breaks down, but rarely. Sometimes she attacks with fury and strength, thinking, naiively, that instilling fear in others will keep her safe. But she does that less today than yesterday. And then she remembers. Spontaneity, contentment, happiness. Her soul walks and her spirit wraps her. Her mind rests, walking close to its true clarity, almost knowing herself. Almost knowing her mind. Approaching the clear, pre-dawn light of a quiet sea. walking closer than yesterday as the world retreats yet fills her soul and she realizes all things connected. Hardship justified and necessary as everything moves forward together step by step. Now she Walks, now remembering THAT she walks. Just like she did yesterday and will tomorrow. She smiles softly, inwardly. Walking away but drawing close. She walks with no destination. Until, one day, quietly, in the grey blue eastern light of the pre-dawn sky. The Goddess Opens Her Eyes. And Lo, When two sets of footprints in the sand become one, then I will carry god, and the world, and all that is, was, and ever shall be. The world sings to her as angels and demons prostrate themselves. Until one small foot caresses Geb's strong shoulders again. Giggling and smiling the thought passes away as she walks, fey again, wrapped in the world, clothed in Spirit and connected with everything that is and isn't. Until, walking, she forgets everything again. Until she remembers again.
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Spirit | Grammar, Gender: more than meets the eye
May 12th, 2008 11:22 am MST
Sephie made this wonderful comment, today about my previous journal entry:
On your last comment: I agree. The alternative-vowel spellings,
although intended to convey that we're perhaps a bit different from the
"genetic" variety, have come to seem affected to me. Nevertheless I love it when I can answer to that title, no matter how it's spelled.Luv and Hugz (Did I just make myself a hypocryte? ),
I love it so much that i posted it here so I could make what I hope is a worthwhile comment and maybe some of you will enjoy reading or pondering it. or not :)
I think the transphonic "Hugz", while grammatically similar to "Gurls" in technical alteration, conveys an entirely different emotional impact to the recipient. The former is a cute dimunitive. It feels warm on the intellect, safe and sunny. So many positive implications vibe off it. It feels like a smile or the warm sun on a quiet spring day.
The latter, "gurl", is much more technical and less emotional. Saying "gurl", to me SEPARATES feminine personalities based on physical gender. The term , to me, is a bit negative and aggressive. It invites, almost begs, a confontation of values, ethics, etc.
I like to foster unity, when I can. I want to bring everyone together not divide people. And maybe that's a bit heavy but I think there's a measure of truth in it.
So, I say, "No Sephie. You are definitely NOT a hypocrite. " I would love to hear what other people think.
Love Sue :)
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Spirit | sleepy in the south
May 11th, 2008 11:01 am MST
I'm not a southerner. Even though I live here I can't seem to really assimilate. Even though I've met some REALLY great friends like Mezzie, Petulantkim and Sephie, who have made face down my "all southerners are ignorant proletarian bigots" prejudice, I'll never really fit in here. I don't mind it much but here I am, bored and sleepy and just a little lonely. Writing in my journal seems like a nice way to pass a few minutes but I don't have enything super profound to say today. I have lived all over the world (really I have) and it blows me away that I was a completely dormant girlie when I lived in NYC, London, Singapore, and Nagasaki. All of these places were so much more fun for CDs than dumb Jacksonvile! (sorri jax girls. I have to ask, though, "where are you all hiding?") Anyway, It's just kind of funny to me, today, the way life gives you great opportunities at times when you're not prepared to see them. Well, believe it or not I feel better and much happier, now. Thanks for listening - I feel like all of my guy and girlfriends have lifted the loneliness from my (pretti, btw) shoulders! I'll see you all soon. be safe :) love Suesie PS- I don't know why, but I always seem to prefer calling us girls, as opposed to gurls, gyrls, etc. Go figure ;)
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Spirit | slippery slope?
March 7th, 2008 7:29 am MST
SO last night I scared myself. There I was, tooling around URNA, having a good time and not really worrying about who I was talking to or what I was saying - a typical night for Sue.Then somehow, I found myself in a really dark place (metaphorically) chatting with some guy for the first time. Well, I wont pretend I was a good girl 'cause I wasnt. still everything was pretty fun until I told him that I didnt want to call him. It's amazing how quickly you realize you're in deeper than you want to be. It's also odd to me that you can feel a bit threatened even though you're completely disconnected from the other person. I was completely thrown. So I did my best to ride it out as long as I could - I don't like to just dump out on people. Now he's mailing me and i dont like that. Thankfully I didn't give him any personal info. I mention this because the whole situation really shocked me. I'm very confident physically and well able to take care of myself. Still, it felt weird and threatening. I think I'll be a bit more reserved when people PM me in the future. Well, at least until I know them a bit. :)
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Spirit | new friends everywhere
February 26th, 2008 1:28 pm MST
i went to adameve last night and bought a schoolgirl outfit because i wanted to :) They were so nice, playing the pronoun game the whole time. I am certain they honestly werent sure if it was for me or not. I liked it. Im sure not embarrassed to say it was for me but it was so much fun watching them jump through hoops to be nice and helpful while not doing anything that could be construed as offensive. I think i'll give the outfit to a GG after i'm done playing with it - seems like a karmic thing. but i might need to take one of the nice girls from adameve out to dinner and see if she'll help me with makeup. i bet she will! it's fun to ponder. There is one bad thing about an adameve schoolgirl outfit - its really a bedroom only piece of attire - wish there was enough skirt to wear it out! I need a nice plaid mini...
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Spirit | It's easy to wreck a wig
December 23rd, 2007 8:45 pm MST
Well, just in case you were thinking that Sue is always smart, here's a lovely little passion play to straighten you all out :) A dear friend pointed out corectly, last night, that My look would benefit from some bangs. I knew immediately that she was right. I love bangs!! I wear em all the time with my (not girlie enough yet) natural hair, and they look GOOD on me. Also, I'm not super crazy about my wig to begin with. So I start thinking, "hmmmmmm... bangs...good." Next thing you know I've decided to clip the bangs on my wig!! Well, I get an A for effort but a lackluster D for result ... and Sue has way 2 much Spirit to wear a D quality wig :( So, I learnt an expensive lesson about WigOlogy. Be warned, dear friends, Wigs are not to be altered (except by professioanls :) ) AND when Spirit says, "Let's try it!" you're always in for some kind of surprise. usually, it comes out better than this...
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Spirit | Fun lives in the falling
December 14th, 2007 11:23 pm MST
I figure the best time to have a good time is in the hang time after that first big step when your stomach comes up to meet you as you watch, awed, while the pretty scenery flies by, blurring, and the ground becomes real and the sane ones worry then splat. But I know the secret. you can love it all so much. Every sense overwhelmed, no sense of proportion, mind blown into a million tiny lights. No brakes. Now you're a leaf in the storm, not a falling cherry blossom, and it jacks you up so hard that you forget to hit the ground. ...It's working so far :)
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