Journal Entries for Spirit
i love the avatar for hotamateurshemales
October 26th, 2009 11:03 am MDT
I just do! Omg she's adorable i wish i had her bodhi lol!! :p
why is it always a fight?
September 19th, 2009 12:01 pm MDT
i don't usually editorialize current events, but, as i'm flipping through "The Times" (London ed.) from last thursday (sep 17), i saw something that realli made me sad and i want to share it with you. Apparently, the remains of St. Therese of Lisieux are going to be displayed in England for a period. Those faithful, mostly English Catholics, who wish to, may view or pray at her remains.
My family is catholic, even though i'm not. i certainly acknowledge this may have some bearing on my opinions in this matter, but i like to think i'd feel the same if it were V. I. Lenin's remains on display, or, for that matter, a state funeral of, say ... President Kennedy. That said, let me get to the point.
In the editorial section, there's a piece titled, "Atheists, come out and fight these nutters" (i love English idiom, by the way). The author is basically exhorting his "fellow atheists" to come out and vocally or literally oppose those people who revere St. Therese. This being England, that opposition is probably envisaged as an attack of devilish snideness and clever sarcasm to show the faithful how stupid and ignorant they are to believe in their religion.
and, a girl asks, "why?"
if these zealots (the catholic zealots, not the atheist zealots) were, say, blowing up abortion clinics, i would see the point. i would agree and probably do my sarcastic best to reveal the dichotomy between a religion that declares, "love they neighbor as thy self," and a crowd of murderers, most of whome would say MUSLIMS are "crazy killers". But that's not the case, here.
These people, to my knowledge, deeply revere the remains of a woman who lived a good life and died tragically at age 24. What did she do to ever hurt anyone besides write a book about her life that millions found to be comforting and inspiring? Is it wrong to revere a good person?
i can't claim to feel a particular "holiness" when close to the physical remains of a departed soul. i have been to various sepulchres of several different religions on several different continents and tried to feel "holy" in holy places. Sometimes, i have, but i can't associate the feeling with an interred saint or martyr.
It seems to me that many people feel close to god in the presence of relics. Shouldn't they be allowed to worship unmolested, then? What kind of person feels anger that another person's life is made, briefly, more hallowed? How can one feel peace in the knowledge that they are attacking another's solace?
What possible reason could this man have to hurt the christians? Have they attacked him? Is anybody even suggesting HE visit the holy relic? The answer, of course is no. And, again i wonder why the very existence of people who don't agree with him offends the author.
Perhaps he would attempt the moral high road, opining some variant on, "I cannot tolerate christians because they resist modern logic, enforce creationism, and do, in fact blow up abortion clinics in some countries." This argumernt would be hollow. It would be an act of punishing an entire social group for the acts of extremists.
Pundits are very concerned that moslems not be tarred with the terrorism brush, and rightly so. To reach any kind peaceful understanding one has to extend compassion to the majority despite the belligerant acts of extremists. I'm certain most atheists can be tolerant of the fact that other people may believe in god. And I'm very hopeful that they realize I'm not at all against atheists or atheism.
God is real to me. this engenders neither pride not shame. It's simply who i am. How could i grudge another person their right to make that decision, as I have?
it's a big world, sir. leave other people alone. the catholics have plenty of headaches without being verbally molested by you for showing reverence to a good person. i'm sad that you're an extremist, but h appy that people of your ilk will remain a small minority in any sect or social group.
hot peppers
September 14th, 2009 8:34 am MDT
i like 'em. always have even when i was little. i can remember my mother and especially my father (gigantic and forceful, but an unbelievable hypochondriac where kids were concerned) saying things like, "you'll stunt your growth if you keep eating those..." (I'm thinking the petite physique came more from mom not quitting drinking or smoking. But it worked out gr8. I like being petite)
Ah the joys of European folklore. Nothing better than some pathetic peasant lore to push into your little kids, right moms? Doctors actually say scars heal more cleanly if you DO pick at them :p
Anyway, peppers. All of 'em. tabasco sauce. I'm not crazy about the "Nuclear annhiliation" version of sauces because they don't have any "tang" to them - they're just spicy and nothing more. I do like cooking with them, though. Gimme tabasco over catsup (if you think it's spelt "ketchup", slap your cheek now ... HARDER) any day, though.
Now, for actual peppers, i like the asian variety of finger chilis, which will take your head off at the shoulders, with beer and curry on a hot summer day. Never eat curry 3 days in a row, by the way, you start to develop a certain curry aroma that isn't veri pleasing - it's like drinking too much tequila - it comes out your pores.
I like brilliant green halapenos (i used an "h" so the texans wouldn't feel the need pronounce the "j" like "jayne") sliced up and pickled quick in vinegar for about an hour then spooned onto anything.
Want to try a neat lil chutny for saucy stuff? Dice uf some fresh mint, parsley, and garlic and add some diced jalapenos. put it in a relish bowl and fill it with red wine until the stuff is just covered. then add a pinch of rock salt if you like salty stuff. leave it at room temp for about 4 -5 hours. it's different. you'll like it.
But for eating, for just poppin 'em in yer mouth n crunching ... you cannot beat the italian pepperoncini. you've seen 'em. Thick middle americans call 'em hot banana peppers. They're chartreaux and come in gigantic pickle jars. Mysterious Isis, i could eat 100 at a sitting.
AND they say peppers increase the metabolism - keeps you skinny, girlz.
Peppers - the new new new white meat. It's what's for breakfast.
Gay Marriage is a foolish path
September 11th, 2009 6:37 pm MDT
ok, this post has been a long time coming. it's been building up inside of me since the miss universe pageant and now, hopefully, the ideas have matured and the words will come as they should, That i might be a mirror reflecting ideas clearly and without emotional distortion.
i steadfastly oppose any legal recognition for gay marriage.
anybody see that one coming? i expect i've offended many and certainly infuriated some, with that simple statement of perspective. i take no pleasure from this. nor do i feel in way sorry. this is my truth to pursue. if it pleases you to follow along, i will endeavour to explain what must appear a strange turn of mind for a girl like me. welcome.
consider, if you will, your immediate feelings when you read the thesis above. whatever you felt, i bet you felt it very strongly. therein lies the trap.
i'm trying to abstract you from your strong emotions. Let's take a stroll away from instinctive reactions and into the woods of contemplation. Follow along a bit before we get to the real meat of this idea.
i believe that no one person's ideas or convictions are more valid than another's. no brainer, right? most all of us say that. take a few minutes and help me explore some of the less obvious implications of the statement that rolls easily off so many tongues.
what it means is that, on a primal level, your pain is worth the pain of another. it isn't worth more, nor is it worthless. the balance of human suffering remains equal between any two humans. This is an important concept when we abstract more complicated terms, like rights and responsibility, from the primal issue of suffering. Don't lose the thread. Rights are important only because they diminish suffering.
to say that one has rights is regarded as axiom in most societies, today. but, why do we need rights? we need them because judicious rights make us suffer a little less. you might think it silly if i campaigned strongly for the right to wear one green shoe. This would be very understandable because the wearing of green shoes doesn't apparently make my life easier, nor would i be considered to suffer hardship by not wearing green shoes.
so, in this case, such a right might be considered trivial when compared to say, the right of free speech, or that to own and bear arms. certainly the latter two are far more contributory to democratic decision making and creativity, the first by allowing ideas to be expressed, and the second to protect the individual from extortion, hopefully by deterrence over application.
some people will be cute here and say, "no, the right to wear green shoes is VERY important because it encompases the right for me to act in any way i see fit." I will agree with this statement. and yet i admonish the speaker that this freedom also gives one the freedom to cause pain in another person.
i believe it is the responsibility for those exercising so powerful a freedom to acknowledge the weight of suffering felt by those they touch when exercising this right. To do this properly, we must learn to identify the subjectivity of suffering. we must come to realize that our oponents' pain tears at their soul. that they really only want to get by and live a happy life, just like we do. having said this, i will now talk about how the concept of legalized gay marriage is anathema to an enlightened society.
"God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
never was a truer word spoken by the person who passionately invoked this favourite mantra of the religious reactionary. We need to understand this. To FEEL it as she does. Do I know God didn't create Adam and Eve? I think I do. in the end, though, nobody knows for sure. Nobody knows. Nobody...
Scary, isn't it? What if it's wrong? what if there really were Adam and Steve. What if Steve ran off with Lilith... Could we all be wrong?
And, IF we're wrong, well, what ELSE are we wrong about?
Will I really go to heaven?
IS there even heaven? Is there anything?
Anybody who has never felt this nagging, gut-wrenching uncertainty, is either bodhisattva or a very well adjusted person. But neither of those two archetypes would benefit from this writing. I'd be re-stating the obvious to them. That leaves the rest of us...
The most expedient way to assuage these fears is to have true faith in one's religion, be it christianity, judaism, taoism, nihilism, satanism, atheism, or any of of the uncounted plethora of human attempts to rationalize creation. when i have faith i KNOW i'll go to heaven because i keep the great orm djibouli's sacraments and read the book of ogg on new moons whilst standing on my head.
ok i'm being a bit facetious. these are big ideas, i figure a pinch of sugar is apropos at this point, lest u think i take myself too seriously.
Point is, when you challenge somebody's religion, you're challenging their fundamental belief that the sun will rise tomorrow. You're telling them, in effect, that god is full of crap. You're saying, "watch me break this commandmant! nyah nyah lookit how happy I am :) :) :) "
...and you aren't being struck down by fanfares of fire wielding angels.
And that makes the fundamentalist worry, very very deeply, that it might all be a crock.
and that causes them pain.
AND IT'S YOUR FAULT THEY FEEL THAT PAIN, because you made your right to express yourself more important than their beliefs about life and death.
feel guilty? I don't. I also don't want to run out making a spectacle of myself to prove i have rights.
who feels pain? i do. you do, too. we feel lonely, isolated, sometimes ostracized. the feeling sucks. a lot.
now, imagine what smokers must be suffering. what about radical conservatives that live in liberal metropoli? Are you worrying about them? you should be. They hurt like you do.
even if they wouldn't give you the time of day.
because they suffer in exactly the same manner we do.
Nobody's "freedom" should trump another's religion. There's just no way to reconcile it. religions are not founded on dialogue or collective bargaining. They aren't constructed rationally for the benefit of the constituency. They are bequeathed by beings far beyond our understanding and come pre-packaged in any of a thousand seemingly self-contradictory flavours. They have no user serviceable parts inside.
So there's the quandary. and it's very simple: "IS YOUR PAIN MORE IMPORTANT THAN SOMEBODY ELSE'S?"
My answer is no. yours may be different. but, if you DO think the pain of others is just as worthy as yours, you will not act in ways that cause them pain if you can avoid it.
"but that's not fair..."
yes, that's not fair. fairness, like life and pain, is subjective. suffice to say, for my purposes, that fairness is absolutely irrelevant to the pursuit of life on earth.
The question is not, "Will I hurt other people instead of suffering, myself?"
Rather, it is, "Will I hurt other people even though i still suffer?"
i know my answer.
But, really Sue, you expect us to believe that you're ok with bigots acting like smug assholes living horrible, hippocrytical, religiously sanctioned lives, as they revile us for being who we are? What about insurance, inheritence, and ownership of common assetts?
ahhhhhhh. Here's where i change the game. i think i have an idea that can serve the community AND allow the religious to remain inviolate by the disgusting acts of heretics.
We live in a secular society.
America is my country (apologies if this makes everything irrelevant where you live. i'm sorri, realli) She was founded on the separation of church and state.
So let's separate. I think there's no way to fold Legally sanctioned Gay Marriage into the fabric of society without alienating most of the major religions' orthodoxies.
So, we need to remove the legal sanction for marriage, period.
NO MORE MARRIAGE.
The government has no mandate to concern herself with the pursuit of religion. This is seminal to the nation and hearkens to our earliest documents and also to the philosophy of those we call "founding fathers," who predate the rise of America as an entity.
Civil Unions Only.
Thus, we remove all legality from religion. The churches may hold sway over the eternal souls of most citizens, but the government will look after their property and the ethics of adult cohabitation.
Simple, isn't it? EVERYBODY gets a civil union. no difference, equal treatment. It's what we all really want, isn't it?
The orthodoxy will, of course, crap an elephant. They will, correctly, see this as a diminution of the institution of marriage. But, they will only be correct that marriage loses importance in a Civil context.
Their prime argument, which I support, has been that marriage is a religious institution. Let's relegate it to the practice of religion, then, which is a matter for the individual, not the government.
And, they will remain entirely able to tout marriage as, "something god created between a man and a woman ONLY." In this way, everybody gets something. The extreme orthodox (of certain religions, not all) can be assured of the inviolability of their scriptures. The gay people can take heart that they have the same rights as evrybody else. Collective bargaining is served.
People are free to believe you're racially, sexually, categorically inferior if they want to. We call that freedom of expression and it, too, is intrinsic to the experiment known as America. Nothing wrong with the KKK or the black panthers as long as they keep ranting instead of killing.
The loss of a special, if ill concieved, position in the laws of society will cause the "Old Fashioned Marriage" people great pain. I will feel responsible in this matter.
i will bear this, because it gives them a unique ability to walk a mile in our moccasins. Thay may even recognize that our pain feels like theirs. it hurts. in the end, some may yet feel thankful, because the original issue, the sanctity of heterosexual marriage, will remain hallowed and untouched.
thank you all for your time.
Police States
June 2nd, 2009 9:19 pm MDT
I try not to talk politics. I don't have anything to say about which party is the worst etc etc etc etc.
Ideologies are as varied and unique as snowflakes. I'd be flattered, though, if any of you would care to follow this link and then consider the differences between, "A country where my guy didn't get elected and I don't like the policies," and, "a police state"
Say anything you want about motivation. This is history. Don't forget.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_depth/8078746.stm
Why Spirit can't chat
June 2nd, 2009 9:13 pm MDT
hi all :) i miss everi 1 of you, i realli mean it. I'm using a UNIX based PC and the chatroom runs in flash. Right now, the current flash plugin for UNIX is buggy and I onli see a grey screen when i try to get into the chatroom.
The old chatroom ran in Java, which, currently, runs good in UNIX. Just wanted to let you all know i haven't forgotten anybody, i miss you all, and i hope to be back soon.
love Sue
coming up for air
April 3rd, 2009 8:05 am MDT
well, it's certainly been awhile... I'm just checking in to let all of my dear friends know that i'm ok and i miss all of you and i hope to have some fre time for URNA in a few weeks. I have, again, been overtaken by life. It's not so bad, except that i miss you all. I have taken a much needed vacation - even skied my first black diamond trail :) Also, i've been quite busy handling taxes, etc etc etc etc. BUT, in the end, here I am again and thats as is should be lol. I hope everybody's doing well and look forward to chatting with you all soon. Love Sue
i like writing in my journal.
December 18th, 2008 1:21 pm MST
I'm making this entry to see iif journals are working, again. I realli like writing here because I can dump out my thoughts and then read them and see if what i'm feeling is worthwhile or not. i've killed about 7 entires after i re-read them. i'm proud of this because, to me, it seems to mean that i'm still able to see it when i'm not thinking clearly about things. at least, most of the time :)
anyhoo, i hope this makes the post (unlike the 3 GOOD ones that also got dumped 'cause i didn't know journals were broken) and i hope to be spinning delicate yarns of lteral gossamyr again, soon.
As always, i'm veri thankful for the presence of my URNA friends and i always look forward to spending time, physical or virutal, with you all. Best of Luck and Happiest of Holidays to all with a dash of compassion and empathy from Sue.
OK, who's oppressing who?
December 15th, 2008 2:30 am MST
one of my friends told me today that GGs and TGs often don't like associating with her because she's a CD. I don't understand why that should be.
It seems to me that lots of people who are vociferously conscious of their rights, and constantly concerned with how they are treated by the mainstream, immediately turn around and segregate our genre when given the opportunity. It's like New England all over again: "We MUST have freedom to be ourselves! Now Be Like Us Or Else..."
I have never been ill treated because i'm not TG. At least, I don't think i have. people have, on occasion, ignored my salutations. That kind of thing makes me sad because i always reply, even if just to say sorri but i'm not realli interested.
But
these are my own ethics. They aren't rules, and i have no right to
expect everybodi else to act as i do. so i try to put myself in their
place and sometimes it makes me feel some empathy and then i feel
better. Sometimes it doesn't work, but i always try it.
If somebody is annoying, if they behave poorly, or bore you, or upset you for some reason, then, absolutely ignore them. after all, it's much better than a screaming match.
If, however, you're ostracizing another girl just because she isn't "serious" enough for you, then you'd better think a bit before complaining that people discriminate against you. Turnabout, as they say is fair play.
We all need to contemplate the entire meaning of the word bigot and then take a long look in the mirror. Sometimes i don't like what i see, but i always look.
Beltain and the joys of spring
September 14th, 2008 7:27 pm MDT
i'm beginning to be happy again and it's nice. For awhile, my job was just awful. it seemed like there was a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel ... attached to Thomas the Tank Engine's Gnasty drunken dad and heading strait for Sue. i got to the point where i did NOTHING except work. i didn't go out anymore. i stopped eating,etc etc etc. I've been through rough projects before but this was just unbelievable. some misguided individual even tried to cover his butt by firing me in the darkest hour (it didn't work, but he sure gave it the 'ole college try). i forgot who sue was. and now it's over. i've been reading a lot of Dalai Lama, lately. one of the things he says, that i'm learning to agree with, is that western people are not objective about suffering. we see starving children and think, "my god how awful." yet, we don't seem to see anything tragic about our medicine cabinets full of Zoloft, Sominex, Vivarin, Prosac ... etc etc etc. the Lama says many of the people we consider to be suffering actually enjoy life more than we do because they're not so stressed out all the time. now i'm thinking of Solzhenitsen (who just died BTW. Fair Winds, Alecsander...) i'm thinking about ivan denisevitch living in the gulag in total poverty and total slavery. i'm remembering how they were never able to take his humanity and his smile no matter what they did to him. i sort of felt that way, like i was in the gulag. but i lost my smile. and now i've got it back. i hope the next time i get mulched (because it surely will happen) i can hold up like ivan denisevitch and smile my way through it. until then i'm sharing this smile just as much as i can because it's the good memories that get you through the hard times. you guys saved my life :) thanx luv Sue Sue recommends the following bathroom reading: Ethics for the New Millenium by Dalai Lama, and One Day in the life of Ivan Denisevitch by alecsander Solzhenitsen. They are both small books but they make me feel good when i read them
"the hells angels" - YAAAAWWWWWNNNNN
August 23rd, 2008 4:29 pm MDT
So, the other day i'm in a trashier TG chatroom (URNA is THE BEST, but sometimes, wellll i have e-needs 2, y'know <giggle>), and this guy PM's me. No profile, no stats, but his chat handle is like "bad biker dude" or something in that vein... I'm bored, and maybe a little pent up, so i think, "ok, why not? this is what i came in for, anyway..." Well, i'm thinking we might exchange a few pleasantries and then see where it goes. Uh-UH, stud boy fires off with, "what are you wearing right now, slut? - Take it off! ALL of it." Those of you who know me are grinning, right now. anyway, i figure i'll try it out, so here i am playing, "little wimpy weak willed girlie" And, to be honest, it was kind of fun for awhile. He thought i was cute and seksi. We all love that kind of thing, right? He wanted me to grab a "_" (HA! i barely knew what it was, never mind owning one) and use it on my little "_". Well that didn't sound either romantic or pleasant, but i rode along with it (No No I didn't actually DO IT . I wasn't really turned on by this point) but it just wasn't working. figured i'd give it one last try. I say, "hey, listen, motorcycle GUY. My name is Sue, not slut, and by the way, what's yours?" some kind of diatribe about motorcycle gangs and one percenters and Harley davidsons and what happens to disobedient sissies and yak yak yak. so i dumped out, but it got me thinking. Here's this guy who's supposedly some big tough hell's angel type, full of swagger and all. Funny how he's too scared to come up with a name, though... I've never bought into the "tough Guy" mentality. I've been priviledged to have a few friends who are pretty well equipped for life. They are, to a one, gentlemen, discrete, and understated. They blend in. They don't strut like peacocks (or is it pea cocks? :) Now, i can't claim to know any "real" biker gang guys, or, for that matter, gangstas, etc etc etc (not singling out bikers). I'm basically a corporate girl with a few interesting stories and penchant for writing. But i know what i like. I really realli like confidence. and i'm pretty sure these tough guy types lack it. i guess i should apologize to the hell's angels, too. it was just the first biker gang that came to mind. sorry guys, you're not realli my thing, but no H/A's have bothered me so it isn't fair for me to throw a rock at youse :) maybe i should've said, "Black Widows" HA! end of ramble peace and love :)
tweak the world and work gets a little easier.
June 19th, 2008 5:47 pm MDT
I'm in Boston and I really love it, here. Lately, though, work has been oppressive - i haven't even had the chance to go out because many of my friends who never knew me as Sue DO know I have a sweet apt and have invited themselves up <giggle>. I realli don't mind because I love my friends and I love company, But it's all been ... well ... stressful. So I decided to chuck it all for a while and SHOP!! Surprisingly, I didn't buy anything pretty. Instead, I bought music. It was a good choice. here's what I bought: Bloom (SarahMclachlan. Yes, yes I AM a girl, after all <giggle>), two disk "best of" Tori Amos (I luv her voice so much), Turn Around (Jonny Lang - RIDICULOUSLY good blues), Something equally bluesy by Keb Mo (left the CD in Apt so I don't know the name), a collection of Romantic Period guitar music, Bach's collected Toccata and Fugues (listening to it now - it makes me feel like a snowfalke in a blizzard <shivering happily>). Iraq (Black47 - please no political comments about this one. The Irish are among the most musical of cultures, and I love hearing lyrics that don't make soldiers sound llike war mongers. If you've been involved with that kind of stuff you'll remember things when you play it. You should play it anyway.) Time Out (Dave Brubeck Quartet. REALLY classic Jazz.I have an LP from my dad at home but people keep "borrowing" my cd :) ), Now I'm looking at this STACK of CDs in Border's (wound up there after despairing in the music section of WalMart), thinking, "Crap this is gonna be expensive." But, as I passed the bargain table I still had to pick up a new copy of "legend" by Bob Marley and, for a realli cute surprise, Eddie Brickell n the New Bohemians! I was hopscotching through the aisles when I found that one :) I get back to the office, pop Jonny Lang into my portable and, well, it was like, "No. no way. This won't work." So Today I went out at lunch and bought a Klipsch satellite / subwoofer PC system. I am now FLOATING on a glorious sea of sound. everybody else has gone home so I'm shattering windows with the glorious sounds of pipe organ and JS Bach. I can't describe how happi I am now. I don't care if I work all night (which is good because I might be ... ) Guys and dolls, BUY this damned Klipsch system! it's $160 but it makes a PC sound .. well.. KLIPSCH. OMG it's good! Thanks for listening I only wish I could REALLY share the music. Close your eyes and imagine Heaven and Hell shoved into a cuisineart. The image comes close, but the reality is more intense. Love, and Compassion (which is Love after her acne clears) , Suzi ps- of course it's one more heavy thing to shlep outta here when i head south again. YUK florida :(
does everybody else sometimes feel this way?
June 1st, 2008 10:17 am MDT
I really wish, sometimes that I wanted to be a 24/7 girly girl. If I really wanted it, I know I would do it. And I think I'd be good at it. The problem is that sometimes I don't feel girly. Sue's brother comes in and takes the reins for a while. This isn't just something I do to "get by" or hide behind. It's the way I feel at the moment and therein lies the headache. At arbitrary times, i feel masculine, and, when I do, Sue takes a nap for a while. There's really no internal conflict. Both sides coexist peacefully and together form my personality. The problem is that I can't ever foretell how I'll feel in an hour, or even in five minutes. Right now I'm traveling and I asked some local girls where to go and they were so nice and supportive. I got everything ready, even mapquested all the directions. But when it came time to dress I wasn't in the mood to be Suezie. I wasn't afraid or embarassed. I was just disinterested. That sucks I think because I know I would've had so much fun. I also feel like I let my sisters down a little by not going out to meet them. But I'm not going to force myself to be a girl. I'm a girl when I am and I'm not when I'm not. Because of this Im a totally natural girl when Im a girl because I AM a girl and not a guy pretending to be girl. I dont want to change this. I dress when it's natural for me. I just wish I could get the two parts of me to agree on some sort of time share :) <sigh> ME ME ME can you tell I'm very girlie at the moment? I apologize for this rant but I thought getting it all out might ease the frustration I feel when things like this happen. Thank you all for listening. Sue out <giggle> :)
I like to drive stick
May 28th, 2008 4:02 pm MDT
I love driving and i like stick cars best cause they're the most fun to drive. I like nice cars - I have an A4, right now. It's used (I'm the third owner) but it's quattro and its white and I love it. I also like convertibles but I only owned one ever and, even though I always say, "Convertible HO!" when it's car buying time, somehow I never seem to find the right one. I don't like new cars cause I hate loans and I hate losing 5 grand or more from my investment just by driving off the lot. So no new cars for me!! I'm not crazy about American cars (they're good cars. I just don't care for them, as a whole) because they always seem to be full of useless space in the passenger compartment. I like older cars 'cause they seem to have more glass and I like to see what's going on around me. This morning I drove to work. It was a great time. The weather was sunny and just chilly enough to open the roof and all the windows. Cranked up the stereo to drown out the wind. Early. in the City. Back in the Northeast (traveling on business YAY) working the Stick and drinking coffee at the same time. And that's why I think I'm cool - cause Sue can drive stick and drink hot coffee and still look pretty for work. ...can't wait to go see speed racer :)
Planting a Tree
May 18th, 2008 8:21 am MDT
I'm traveling, again. I used to travel a lot on business. Not so much, anymore, and I've really missed it but I'm so happy to be in a place I've never visited before! I went for a walk last night. The air was cold and the sky was clear and people were so very nice. I'm looking out my window now and so happy to see pretty buildings with old fashioned architecture all around me. My job can sometimes suck, but it doesn't, right now, so I'm going to enjoy the moment for all it's worth. Love you all - Suesie
walking
May 12th, 2008 12:40 pm MDT
she's walking now. she walked yesterday and will walk tomorrow. Sometimes she forgets she's even walking. she feels anger or distress and the world implodes on her, invading her true mind, breaking her thoughtless concentration. Threatened, she may lash out. Acting harshly and hurting, she ties herself down, drawn further into the feaux world. Her true mind betrayed by her emotions, she shudders like Atlas 'neath the weight of stress and loneliness. She cries alone inside, soflty like Penelope, her house taken, her virtue the prize in a contest of thieves. Sometimes she breaks down, but rarely. Sometimes she attacks with fury and strength, thinking, naiively, that instilling fear in others will keep her safe. But she does that less today than yesterday. And then she remembers. Spontaneity, contentment, happiness. Her soul walks and her spirit wraps her. Her mind rests, walking close to its true clarity, almost knowing herself. Almost knowing her mind. Approaching the clear, pre-dawn light of a quiet sea. walking closer than yesterday as the world retreats yet fills her soul and she realizes all things connected. Hardship justified and necessary as everything moves forward together step by step. Now she Walks, now remembering THAT she walks. Just like she did yesterday and will tomorrow. She smiles softly, inwardly. Walking away but drawing close. She walks with no destination. Until, one day, quietly, in the grey blue eastern light of the pre-dawn sky. The Goddess Opens Her Eyes. And Lo, When two sets of footprints in the sand become one, then I will carry god, and the world, and all that is, was, and ever shall be. The world sings to her as angels and demons prostrate themselves. Until one small foot caresses Geb's strong shoulders again. Giggling and smiling the thought passes away as she walks, fey again, wrapped in the world, clothed in Spirit and connected with everything that is and isn't. Until, walking, she forgets everything again. Until she remembers again.
Grammar, Gender: more than meets the eye
May 12th, 2008 11:22 am MDT
Sephie made this wonderful comment, today about my previous journal entry: On your last comment: I agree. The alternative-vowel spellings, although intended to convey that we're perhaps a bit different from the "genetic" variety, have come to seem affected to me. Nevertheless I love it when I can answer to that title, no matter how it's spelled.Luv and Hugz (Did I just make myself a hypocryte? ), I love it so much that i posted it here so I could make what I hope is a worthwhile comment and maybe some of you will enjoy reading or pondering it. or not :) I think the transphonic "Hugz", while grammatically similar to "Gurls" in technical alteration, conveys an entirely different emotional impact to the recipient. The former is a cute dimunitive. It feels warm on the intellect, safe and sunny. So many positive implications vibe off it. It feels like a smile or the warm sun on a quiet spring day. The latter, "gurl", is much more technical and less emotional. Saying "gurl", to me SEPARATES feminine personalities based on physical gender. The term , to me, is a bit negative and aggressive. It invites, almost begs, a confontation of values, ethics, etc. I like to foster unity, when I can. I want to bring everyone together not divide people. And maybe that's a bit heavy but I think there's a measure of truth in it. So, I say, "No Sephie. You are definitely NOT a hypocrite. " I would love to hear what other people think. Love Sue :)
sleepy in the south
May 11th, 2008 11:01 am MDT
I'm not a southerner. Even though I live here I can't seem to really assimilate. Even though I've met some REALLY great friends like Mezzie, Petulantkim and Sephie, who have made face down my "all southerners are ignorant proletarian bigots" prejudice, I'll never really fit in here. I don't mind it much but here I am, bored and sleepy and just a little lonely. Writing in my journal seems like a nice way to pass a few minutes but I don't have enything super profound to say today. I have lived all over the world (really I have) and it blows me away that I was a completely dormant girlie when I lived in NYC, London, Singapore, and Nagasaki. All of these places were so much more fun for CDs than dumb Jacksonvile! (sorri jax girls. I have to ask, though, "where are you all hiding?") Anyway, It's just kind of funny to me, today, the way life gives you great opportunities at times when you're not prepared to see them. Well, believe it or not I feel better and much happier, now. Thanks for listening - I feel like all of my guy and girlfriends have lifted the loneliness from my (pretti, btw) shoulders! I'll see you all soon. be safe :) love Suesie PS- I don't know why, but I always seem to prefer calling us girls, as opposed to gurls, gyrls, etc. Go figure ;)
slippery slope?
March 7th, 2008 7:29 am MST
SO last night I scared myself. There I was, tooling around URNA, having a good time and not really worrying about who I was talking to or what I was saying - a typical night for Sue.Then somehow, I found myself in a really dark place (metaphorically) chatting with some guy for the first time. Well, I wont pretend I was a good girl 'cause I wasnt. still everything was pretty fun until I told him that I didnt want to call him. It's amazing how quickly you realize you're in deeper than you want to be. It's also odd to me that you can feel a bit threatened even though you're completely disconnected from the other person. I was completely thrown. So I did my best to ride it out as long as I could - I don't like to just dump out on people. Now he's mailing me and i dont like that. Thankfully I didn't give him any personal info. I mention this because the whole situation really shocked me. I'm very confident physically and well able to take care of myself. Still, it felt weird and threatening. I think I'll be a bit more reserved when people PM me in the future. Well, at least until I know them a bit. :)
new friends everywhere
February 26th, 2008 1:28 pm MST
i went to adameve last night and bought a schoolgirl outfit because i wanted to :) They were so nice, playing the pronoun game the whole time. I am certain they honestly werent sure if it was for me or not. I liked it. Im sure not embarrassed to say it was for me but it was so much fun watching them jump through hoops to be nice and helpful while not doing anything that could be construed as offensive. I think i'll give the outfit to a GG after i'm done playing with it - seems like a karmic thing. but i might need to take one of the nice girls from adameve out to dinner and see if she'll help me with makeup. i bet she will! it's fun to ponder. There is one bad thing about an adameve schoolgirl outfit - its really a bedroom only piece of attire - wish there was enough skirt to wear it out! I need a nice plaid mini...
