I don't normally write journal entries. I'm at a serious crossroads in my life. I'm seriously planning to transition much further. Breast augmentation, FFS, hormones, etc. I want to go to everything but SRS.
I spend all the time dreaming of transitioning further. A couple of major events in my life have changed allowing to me to do this now. I have had a very sucessful career as a man, but at a stage I am wanting to start over as a woman, even if it means giving up quite a bit.
Although I've dressed and wanted to be a girl since age 5 like the rest of us. I don't have this awful feeling as a woman trapped in a man's body. I want to become a "woman" to feel the sexual attraction of men wanting a girl. Yes, I know the term autogynophilia.
Is it wrong to want to transition because that is what drives me? Many seem to say Shemale is a derogatory word maybe because of the sex industry. For me, that is my desire (fetish?). I want to be one of those TS girls advertising her services.
Am I too old? I am concerned I won't look realistic / passable enough and should stayed in a mans body and dressed as a girl sometimes but not as seriously.
If I do breast augmentation, FFS, hormones, is it just the logical progression to SRS? Am I kidding myself I could/should go that far but not fully?
I realize I am being blunt and direct. I know a lot of girls have discussed these same things internally.
I would really advice from girls who have asked themselves these questions and have lived it.
Is it possible to move to fast when something just feels right?
It has been suggested to me, in a somewhat serious but also “tongue in cheek” manner, that I am moving too fast. Seems the fear is that I might leave orbit or burn up on a bad reentry. All things are possible in the final frontier and discovering one's self to be female is definitely an adventure into the unknown and carries similar, quite serious, risks.
Technically speaking, I am a new woman. I only accepted who I am within the last few months. I've only begun to live that way in the last couple. However, I spent a lifetime wondering what I was.
I cannot claim to have been uncomfortable as a boy, I never played with dolls (OK, the occasional GI Joe perhaps), never felt compelled to wear a dress. However, there were aspects of “being male” that never really became part of me, or more correctly, naturally to me. I have had in my life, a number of good relationships with women, but at the same time, had always felt detached from those relationships as well. Even today, my current relationship, while extremely loving, is based more on mutual respect and friendship than it is physical. There has never really been anything natural about me being male, current physical gender notwithstanding.
So why then do I so completely identify as female?
The truthful answer is I am not certain, and I would not necessarily have come to the conclusion that I am female alone, that is to say without reaching out for help. The reasons I identify female are many, but no single reason can be cited as the root cause. I only know that the way I feel, the way I interact with others, the way I react to issues is more natural and uninhibited as a woman.
My natural way of interacting with people and situations would otherwise in today's society “norms” be labeled in many ways as something with a connotation of being “unmanly” (we all know the terms to which I am referring). I understand that does alone does not make me female. Does this lessen the way I feel about identifying female? Absolutely not. Again, there are other, less significant factors that when summed, are significant. In many ways, it is society “norms” that support my feminine identification. I simply lack the physical norm for such identification.
Support is a wonderful thing, but in the case of MTF, or TG as we seem to collective refer to ourselves, the diversity of our needs and desires sometimes limits the benefits derived from any support or support group. For myself, having TG friends (of any dialect) is helpful, if for nothing else than to have another person who at least partially understands what you are going through and the issues we TG face each day in society and our personal lives. Nevertheless, for each of us, being a woman does not necessarily mean we are here for the same reasons, needs, or desires. Because of this we occasionally may doubt ourselves because our specific “bend” on being a woman is not in line with other TG women.
Despite my outwardly, somewhat heightened, enthusiasm, I do have doubts. I have doubt because I have to admit to myself that I do not fully understand why I am female. I do get frightened by the idea that I could be wrong, that all of these feeling could be something else entirely. Frightened yes, believing I am wrong, no.
My problem is that in many ways my entire life has been surreal. Being emotionally disconnected from yourself for a lifetime can I suppose, do things to you. It makes me wonder if I do need help, as in psychological help, which is something I have never considered, never needed. Despite the almost unreal nature of my life, I have always known that the answers have already been provided to me, I simply need to accept them. What could I say to, or a doctor say to me that is different than what I already know.
So to the question at hand, is it possible to move too fast when something just feels right?
A cautious person would say yes, and I am a cautions person. However, the woman who is now living externally as well as internally, is not so conservative when it comes to her life. She sees the errors of the past, the denials, and in a very real sense, the betrayals played upon her by a male body governed by the rules associated with that body. Of greater importance, I have never felt so alive as when I am being myself, being a woman.
For her, caution is not allowing society “norms” to dictate who she is, who I am. She has in a very real sense, been re-conceived, but not quite born again (dare I use such a religious reference), and to use an old cliché' her biological clock is ticking. The male got the lions share of our existence, my existence. So caution notwithstanding, how much longer, how much time can be spent debating what I already know to be true?
There is truly no more time or desire to wait, if anything I am moving too slow, and there are days when that delay is extremely painful emotionally. However, it is not caution or doubt regarding my being genuine about femininity that truly impedes a complete rebirth. It is in fact, my being a compassionate female, ironically insisting that whatever I do, I must be mindful of the people who knew me for who I was and to try, as much as possible, not to do anything that will break their hearts or estrange them from mine. They don't know “me” but I do know and love them. This is something that I think perhaps all of us share when faced with rebuilding our lives, perhaps more honestly that ever before, without erasing the best of our past.
Been somewhat of an odd day. I spend a lot of my free time chatting on URNA, which I find to be interesting as well as a way to talk to other girls. Inevitably the “admirers" find their way onto chat, and many of us have a good laugh at some of the ridiculous lines some of them throw out.
We are an interesting lot, with such a wide range of who and why we are. As I've mentioned in previous posts, one thing that occasionally bugs me is when men lump us all into one category. Yes, we have a lot in common, but we are all individuals and we all have different reasons for why we are who and what we are. I have found that even when men think they are being nice, if not charming, that lumping effect finds it way into what they perceive to be a complement.
OK, perhaps I am just being a bitch here. In defense of myself, I don't go off on a tirade with these guys unless they get vulgar or rude, but I am nonetheless a little bit offended, if not hurt, by their comments. One such comment today, after thinking about it and putting into perspective a bit, based on a comment made by another man, made me think a bit.
The statement was made to me by this gentleman “I love you girls (T-Girls) because you want to be beautiful” or something alone those lines. Well hell, what girl TG or GG does not want to be seen as beautiful? But it made me think, he had a point. Many of us do care about looking as good as we can. I am no exception. This got me to thinking about how people in general sort of take looking good for granted.
Sure, at the end of the day it is really the quality of ones character that determines one's long term attractability (if that is even a real word). But perhaps this guy had a valid point. Do some GG take it for granted that they are attractive and therefore make less effort to be “beautiful”? What about the men? Do they also not go that extra mile to make themselves presentable. Finally, what about us (T-Girls) and the men that are attracted to “girls like us”. Do they go the extra mile to be as good looking in their appearance and behavior to attract “girls like us”, who they apparently feel are more beautiful than many GG?
My honest observation is I don't know. My experience has been these wanna be prince charmings are attracted for the superficial reasons and if that were not bad enough, somehow see our extra efforts as an opportunity and eagerness for “Sweet Talk” to land them a roll in the hay.
For me personally, while I know it is not necessarily intentional, it is nonetheless hurtful. Granted, I am not looking for any relationship with any man, woman, or even another TG, I have enough on my plate transitioning from the man I lived as for years to being the woman I am inside. Yes, I genuinely consider myself a woman trapped in a mans body. Yes, I do try and look as presentable as my situation allows. Yes, I enjoy the occasional attention paid by a guy (gay, bi, or straight). But at the end of the day, I am a woman and I have on occasion, a lack self esteem about not just my looks, but my personality as well, I am human after all and throwing off the male side of me is not easy, for me or any of us.
So when these so called admirers start in with what they feel are complements, I have to wonder if they truly ponder the weight of the words they use, or do they just think we are all just a desperate bunch of guys in womens clothes, looking for sex. I acknowledge that some of us are in fact that, and more power to those girls (guys?) for living life the way they want. I cannot fault anybody for doing what makes them happy.
But I do fault, in particular, the men who assume we are all the same, and in their quest for physical and perhaps emotional satisfaction, actually cause some of us distress in their attempt to woo us.
If you are an admirer and/or truly feel “girls like us” are special, even if your goal is ultimately a physical relationship, have the decency and respect to truly treat us “Special”. If a girl is “on the prowl” for some “action”, you will find out soon enough.
Some of us however, might actually be looking for a real gentleman, real conversation without motive, if we are looking at all, and some respect for being what we are at the very heart of our being, a woman. Being sweet talked to as if we are thrilled to be different, does not really help your plans and may just cause some of us more emotional stress than we already have.
As one of the apparently disenchanted men stated in chat, “it's all about looks, girls (T-Girls mind you) only care about looks”. Now maybe I am different, but I don't think so. My response was it is not necessarily about looks. I judge anyone making advances on me by the first couple of sentences out of their mouth. What that person says to me in those first few words will dictate whether I keep listening or throw a drink in his face, or more likely something less extreme.
Ask yourself Mr. Admirer, would the words about to come out of your mouth be the same if I were a genetic woman? If you cannot truthfully answer yes to that question, do us both a favor and don't open your mouth!
We “T-Girls” are not all the same, but we all deserve genuine, if not special respect. Consider your motives and your attraction and then start talking.
It has been said to me the timing of my self discovery was perfect. I would disagree, as in hind site I would have preferred to have discovered myself a long time ago. However in all fairness the comment was made in reference to the fact that I did not miss out on Be All this year in Chicago.
There is a ring of overall accuracy in the statement just the same. I genuinely do not know what happened to me at Be All. I was only able to attend one evening and as things go it was a fantastic night out and a lot of fun, but not earth shattering as in there was no particular event that happened to effect my life, and yet something did change.
Until that evening, my night outs usually ended with me going from an extreme euphoria to well, depression. Due to my personal circumstances, like many girls, I have to “tear down” at the end of a night out, which for me is always stressful because the girl is otherwise enjoying and reviewing the evening's highlights and is then denied that small but significant prize, because she faced with the requirement of being put away until next time. It has many times, brought me to tears.
Yes, the “man” is a part of me, at least in the near term, we “grew up together”, there is a lot of each of us in the other that benefits both of us. However, until these last few months, he was always running the show. So when I am visibly disappearing in the mirror at the end of the night, there has always been a bit of resentment, if not hatred for “him”. Sure, I am still there, but he ultimately takes over.
At the end of my evening attending Be All however, something was different. Perhaps because of the drive time from the event, I had more time to reminisce about the evening, to enjoy and contemplate the events of the evening, to think about all the on-line friends I was able to meet in person, the new friendships I made, and well, just the whole thing.
Now here is the difference. Later that night as I was “tearing down”, the girl about to look into the mirror and start to see the “boy”, smiled at him with a sense of empowerment and thought, your days of dictating who we and how we live are coming to an end. You get this small victory here and now, but I absolutely know now that I am winning this debate, so welcome to my world.
There was no crying on the drive home that night. My appearance was once again male, but unlike previous evenings out, I was still alive and functioning, which continued even after night of well needed rest. It continues as I am writing this today. He now, is the on demand persona getting used on a need to basis.
For now, he changes the way we look and admittedly it is currently required given “our” situation. There are genuine logistical, social, and of course emotional considerations. I will have to live with the consequences of my transitioning to living as who I really am. But for reasons not completely clear, something did happened to me that night, and those convictions, the clarity over who I am was never more apparent to me, regardless of my physical body, this disfigurement if you will.
I know the road ahead is going to be difficult and painful. However, some things are just worth doing, some things must be done and I am still not even sure I have a clear plan on how those things are going to take place.
Nevertheless, I know that in many ways, I have already arrived.
This is all so new to me, not just finding the girl inside but also in figuring out how she can express herself.
I'm not one to “blog” or whatever the correct term is for posting one's thoughts for all to read, but like a lot of things that I would never have done before, I'm willing to give it a try. I'm going to think of it as cheap therapy. Funny as it seems, writing one's thoughts down does provide a small release, which ultimately helps.
The last few weeks have been a rush of emotions for me. As alluded to previously, I have only recently discovered the woman inside. In actual fact, that is a somewhat incorrect characterization of what has transpired. The woman inside has always been there, it is just that until recently, "he" simply refused to acknowledge her as anything but some twisted accompaniment to my (our?) sexual preferences.
Ironically, acknowledging what is turning out to be the dominant side of my being, has also lead to the discovery that she really has nothing to do with my sexual preferences. If anything the real me, the female, is somewhat of a paradox sexually in that while remaining open minded about a lot of things, she is much more conservative, if that is even the correct term to use. That is definitely not to say that the “man” was promiscuous in any way, only that the woman has turned out to be a much different person. Odd, because when you get right down to it, “We” are fundamentally the same person. The big difference, despite the more conservative attitude, is that the woman is genuinely more honest about her sexuality than the man ever was.
I will admit to going though some turmoil over all that has happened. Like most late bloomers, the years of denial has ultimately created a life with both responsibilities and emotional ties which I am neither willing nor do I desire to dismiss, simply to complete my transformation. Because of this, the woman is still suffering and it does cause some emotional pain.
As if the basic emotional issues were not enough, while I am fortunate to be able to look reasonably passable, I am not happy to look in the mirror and see any physical resemblance of the man who has dominated my life all these years. The struggle is less about me being passable to others as much as it is the need to see the woman I feel inside when I look in the mirror. It is a bit ironic in that the health needs of the man, which dictated some serious weight loss, is what allowed me to start seeing the woman again. As I have told some of my closest TG friends, the weight gain may have been caused in an attempt to deny the woman, a way of protecting the man from something he did not understand. Still, as a woman, when I look in the mirror, sadly, the word cow comes to mind. That however, I can change without complications. ;-)
The most fascinating part of all of this for me, is that I am genuinely sure that the majority of my being is female. It is both a blessing and a nightmare all in one. Blessing because I have never felt so normal and comfortable with who I am, as I feel when I am woman. Blessing to also discover that the need to be woman is not driven by any sexual desires. Nightmare because I still wake up every day in the man's world, in the man's body, knowing that I must find time to create the world in which the woman can live in. It's like being a leap year baby waiting for your next birthday.
All I can do for the moment is to take each day as it comes, try to plan a little bit, and hope that time does not run out before this girl can truly realize her potential.
Don't know if I will post on a regular basis. I suppose it will depend on my mood, emotional state, and/or a host of other factors. If you have read this much, thanks! You may be that much more into my world for it!
Candice St. James September 13th, 2008 10:15 am MDTChicago Be All 2008I walked into the hotel lobby and the sun was very blinding. I then heard a voice say look what just flew in from Boston. I had no idea who said it as I couldn't see but I continued to walk in when I heard, Candy a man should not be born with legs that good looking. Only then did I realize it was Jamie Austin. I laughed and said to him, "Do I look like a f'ing man to you?"
Some highlights:
I loved meeting a trans-woman named Kay Gould. Kay was a writer and journalist and is now in her 70's. Kay is very, very ill with Parkinson's Disease was confined to a wheel chair. I loved hearing from Kay and her gal pal about how Kay was one of the original founders of the Be All. They shared with us photos of Kay in younger days and in better health. I teased her about some of the more provocative photos which drew a smile and a laugh. I also thanked her very, very much for being a pioneer and laying the groundwork for tgirls like myself to be more widely accepted in this world. She was very touched and she started to choke back a tear, as did I. It was a genuine moment and I thank you again Kay, you are a blessing.
OK, the purple wig, I tried it on in the vendor area and everyone rushed me and said buy it. I didn't. I went shopping at the mall with my BFF Bridgett and we later returned to the vendor area. Everyone came up to me and said I saw you in that wig earlier and it looked so cute on you...so I bought it. I needed something sexy to wear to Dr. Z's Party that night. It was the perfect wig for the party and many of you told me that. Thank you all for the nice compliments...you are all too kind.
A special shout out to Bridgett Sommers....anyone who puts up with me in a bra and panties while putting my face on is OK in my book. Also special shouts to Tiffany Starr, Nikki LaVey & Karyn, Taylor, and of course the Island Girls.
Hope to see you all again sooner rather than later,
Sweetest Candy
Karyn Danielle Schmahl July 30th, 2008 8:55 am MDTMy travel plans have been more or less finalised, and in 13 days, I will be stepping off a United Airlines flight to Anchorage and into what is going to be the most interesting and wild ride of my life...To say that I'm excited and just a little anxious is an understatement, but so far, it has been nothing but absofrackinglutely incredible...
Saying "see you later" to my beautiful sisters here at "Casa de Nikki" (otherwise known as the headquarters of "Transsexual Menace of Dundalk") is going to be difficult and pretty teary to say the least, but they also know that I am walking into a friendship and who knows how far that we can go relationship, and am very happy for me...
But right now....so much to do, so little time to do it in!!!
Karyn Danielle Schmahl July 27th, 2008 9:48 am MDTWell, my last journal entry was short and sweet and a cry for help...mainly just because of the continued frustration I had been running into in trying to make an old empty broken-into trashed trailer fit for a semblence of human habitation with a friend who also happens to be an on-line shemale fetish model...
That "cry for help" was answered in a way I never imagined or dreamed that it would or could be, and as a result, shortly my mailing address will not be in Pennsylvania, or any of the 48 adjacent, but Anchorage, Alaska...
Miss Rhonda Sheer, who I have grown very close to over the past few months, has graciously offered to share her home and assist me in getting myself re-established as a productive member of society, an offer which I have accepted (and in reality took about 20 seconds, but considered it for several hours before accepting)...
The offer absolutely floored me, but as we have been talking over the past couple of days, not only am I looking forward to a new start in a new locale, but the possibility of establishing not only a long term friendship, but more...
Honey, all I can say is I will never truly be able to ever tell or show you how much this all means to me...
Karyn Danielle Schmahl July 14th, 2008 10:10 am MDTWell, once again, time to update....It has been a very busy couple of weeks, since things are changing rapidly here at the headquarters od Transsexual Menace Dundalk...
I am currently assisting Miss Barbi Satin in gutting and rebuilding her house north of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, in preparation to move in there in about three weeks...So far I have completely gutted the kitchen except for upper cabinets and 18 feet of hall floor...
I relaid the kitchen floor last week, and am waiting on a new sink and countertops before plumbing it all back together again...
Eight feet of hallway has been relaid...with the bathroom next, then the living room...which will also have a new window put in as well...
Thank the Goddesses for the time I am able to spend with My friends here on URNA...I think I would be a basket case otherwise...HUGZ to all of you for your support!!!
Karyn Danielle Schmahl June 29th, 2008 10:14 am MDTWell. I've been a member of URNA like forever, and finally decided it is time to add the journal to My profile....this is probably the best way to keep up with the roller coaster ride that My life has become...
Most recent news I guess is that I am going to go into business with Barbi Satin, the Fetish Shemale...and am in the process of refurbishing Her place up near Gettysburg, PA...
I have recently met some absolutely wonderful people here who are just rocking My world...You all know who you are...and Shalon, my love....YOU are at the top of that list...
And Jayla...thanks sooooooooooooooooo much for being there for Me, precious...I am so looking forward to our meeting in the not too distant future...
I'll try to update this one as often as I can...and thanks for listening to Me...HUGZ to all My buddettes here on URNA...
Roxanne Lowe October 20th, 2007 10:07 pm MDTI am relatively new as a member to URNA but I have visited for years. I am so glad I joined because I feel a sense of community here. I have already made some new friends and reacquainted with some old friends. I wish I knew why I like to dress as a woman but suffice to say I do and I doubt that I will ever stop. I love all things feminine when I am dressed, stockings, makeup, wig, lingerie, dresses, skirts and heels. I especially love to put on makeup. I have been dressing since I was about 10 and probably thinking about it way before then. If you have a comment or observation, I would love to hear it. Hugs Roxanne.
Donna Greer September 14th, 2006 8:47 am MDT The year started out on New Years eve, with hundreds of people waiting for the ball to drop in the main street of little Blue Island, everyone hugging and accepting even Donna. January's meeting and Social, and CGS Meetings. Also weekly bingo at the edge. Feburary is anniversary month for the islandgirls, and we had 111 ladies plus guest for the party. From there to Southside Irish Parade, Donna became Irish for the day. Then to CGS St. Patty's Day Dinner, good food plus special date for Donna. Islandgirls and CGS monthloy meetings. April had a fund raiser candlelight bowling, donna helped raise donations, make prizes, and then bowled for the first time, plenty of pictures. Oh almost missed a terrific birthday party with a GG and her wonderful family, Donna and the girls. June was a busy month first Be-all, a week for ladies from all over the world to come to Chicago and be themselves, and a week for Donna of long days in our booth, in heels, meeting new friends and old. Rita And Lorie's wedding, I took 300 pictures and first time for Donna in a church. Followed by Pridefest working the entry gates, donna met hundreds of people, only to have to hurry back to the Edge for a Pride Drag Show, late night for Donna, and then up early for Pride Parade. About 500 photos for that weekend. Then throw in the Gay Games here in Chicago and Donna Greer meeting Donna Rose our Transgender Gold Medal winner, lovely lady inside and out. July had meetings and shows with our Islandgirls mothly meetings and weekly bingo. August didn't slow her down, first market days, two long days on the gates. Then time for Windy City rodeo, starting with the Edge's Rodeo Drag show, followed by the welcoming party at the Edge, then two days of rodeo, Donna spending most of the time cooking or serving hungry cowboys and fans. Sunday night was awards party over 500 photos for that weekend also. A page and one half in Nightspots. September has our meetings, and a night out to Joliet for a show presented as a fund raiser for C.A.A.N and support group in Joliet. Then a night out for Donna bowling at a welcoming party for bowlers at a local bowling alley. This Saturday will be volunteering for Aids Walk registration. and then Donna will give a presentation to C.A.A.N on being transgendered. Then it was evening of Hawaian fun at the Edsge limbo and hula dancing. Met the chicago crossdressors at Cornelias for an evening of fun, plenty of photos. Next was a Drag show at the Edge with their normal preformers, great show. Donna's birthday an evening of enjoyment, bingo, wonderful food and then Karaoke at the Edge with my son and daughter-inlaw. That was followed by The Islandgirls drag show, I didn't preform this time so I could get plenty of great pictures of the other girls, oh yeah Donna had to sneek up for the final act. Then came December Blue Island Light Parade sure like my warm pink Jacket. The islandgirls Christmas dinner was next (70) ladies in attendance, good food and just plain fun. then off to Janna's Christmas Party wow many t-girls and plenty of GG's, thanks Janna and welcome June. Then it was time for the Edge's Christmas Party as always great. Well that brings us to the end of the year. From there not sure but you can be sure Donna will be busy as an islandgirl.
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Jessica Linden September 13th, 2009 10:28 pm MDTFrom the world I must hide
What's the real me on the inside
For if they knew I'd look like a fool
And in the end it would only bring ridicule
There's the part that I let them see
Still, there's a much deeper part of me
A part that wonders what to do
Everytime that I think of you
It's the part that cries in the night
And longs for everything to turn out right
Remembering when you went away
And how I still love you to this very day
So I'm still here all alone
Just sitting here staring at the phone
Hoping it'll ring, you'll be on the other end
Just called to say "Hi, I miss you my friend"
I'll go to bed thinking of you
For tomorrow I shall start anew
A whole new world I shall find
And leave the old one far behind
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Jessica Linden September 13th, 2009 10:18 pm MDTThinking of you still today
About the time you went away
I wasn't enough to keep you around
You had a job in another town
You had to go to get on with your life
But for me, it cut like a knife
You didn't look back heading for the door
But if you had, it would have only hurt more
Said you had to go, and I understood why
At least you didn't say "Goodbye"
As much as I needed for you to stay
If you did, I'd just be in your way
I see that it wasn't all you
In all honesty, it was me too
Through it all, I need you to see
I'm eternally thankfull that you cared about me
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Lexy Alexis Mccloud September 12th, 2009 5:08 pm MDTI realized I spelled it wrong...Duh.
autogynephilia
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At Crossroads
Lexy Alexis Mccloud September 12th, 2009 2:59 pm MDTHi Girls,
I don't normally write journal entries. I'm at a serious crossroads in my life. I'm seriously planning to transition much further. Breast augmentation, FFS, hormones, etc. I want to go to everything but SRS.
I spend all the time dreaming of transitioning further. A couple of major events in my life have changed allowing to me to do this now. I have had a very sucessful career as a man, but at a stage I am wanting to start over as a woman, even if it means giving up quite a bit.
Although I've dressed and wanted to be a girl since age 5 like the rest of us. I don't have this awful feeling as a woman trapped in a man's body. I want to become a "woman" to feel the sexual attraction of men wanting a girl. Yes, I know the term autogynophilia.
Is it wrong to want to transition because that is what drives me? Many seem to say Shemale is a derogatory word maybe because of the sex industry. For me, that is my desire (fetish?). I want to be one of those TS girls advertising her services.
Am I too old? I am concerned I won't look realistic / passable enough and should stayed in a mans body and dressed as a girl sometimes but not as seriously.
If I do breast augmentation, FFS, hormones, is it just the logical progression to SRS? Am I kidding myself I could/should go that far but not fully?
I realize I am being blunt and direct. I know a lot of girls have discussed these same things internally.
I would really advice from girls who have asked themselves these questions and have lived it.
Thanks girls. Lexy
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Jessica Linden September 11th, 2009 12:40 am MDTI've heard it said so many times
That time heals all wounds
But nobody says anything
About the memories it leaves behind
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The speed of transformation
Robin C Marks June 18th, 2009 12:04 pm MDTIs it possible to move to fast when something just feels right?
It has been suggested to me, in a somewhat serious but also “tongue in cheek” manner, that I am moving too fast. Seems the fear is that I might leave orbit or burn up on a bad reentry. All things are possible in the final frontier and discovering one's self to be female is definitely an adventure into the unknown and carries similar, quite serious, risks.
Technically speaking, I am a new woman. I only accepted who I am within the last few months. I've only begun to live that way in the last couple. However, I spent a lifetime wondering what I was.
I cannot claim to have been uncomfortable as a boy, I never played with dolls (OK, the occasional GI Joe perhaps), never felt compelled to wear a dress. However, there were aspects of “being male” that never really became part of me, or more correctly, naturally to me. I have had in my life, a number of good relationships with women, but at the same time, had always felt detached from those relationships as well. Even today, my current relationship, while extremely loving, is based more on mutual respect and friendship than it is physical. There has never really been anything natural about me being male, current physical gender notwithstanding.
So why then do I so completely identify as female?
The truthful answer is I am not certain, and I would not necessarily have come to the conclusion that I am female alone, that is to say without reaching out for help. The reasons I identify female are many, but no single reason can be cited as the root cause. I only know that the way I feel, the way I interact with others, the way I react to issues is more natural and uninhibited as a woman.
My natural way of interacting with people and situations would otherwise in today's society “norms” be labeled in many ways as something with a connotation of being “unmanly” (we all know the terms to which I am referring). I understand that does alone does not make me female. Does this lessen the way I feel about identifying female? Absolutely not. Again, there are other, less significant factors that when summed, are significant. In many ways, it is society “norms” that support my feminine identification. I simply lack the physical norm for such identification.
Support is a wonderful thing, but in the case of MTF, or TG as we seem to collective refer to ourselves, the diversity of our needs and desires sometimes limits the benefits derived from any support or support group. For myself, having TG friends (of any dialect) is helpful, if for nothing else than to have another person who at least partially understands what you are going through and the issues we TG face each day in society and our personal lives. Nevertheless, for each of us, being a woman does not necessarily mean we are here for the same reasons, needs, or desires. Because of this we occasionally may doubt ourselves because our specific “bend” on being a woman is not in line with other TG women.
Despite my outwardly, somewhat heightened, enthusiasm, I do have doubts. I have doubt because I have to admit to myself that I do not fully understand why I am female. I do get frightened by the idea that I could be wrong, that all of these feeling could be something else entirely. Frightened yes, believing I am wrong, no.
My problem is that in many ways my entire life has been surreal. Being emotionally disconnected from yourself for a lifetime can I suppose, do things to you. It makes me wonder if I do need help, as in psychological help, which is something I have never considered, never needed. Despite the almost unreal nature of my life, I have always known that the answers have already been provided to me, I simply need to accept them. What could I say to, or a doctor say to me that is different than what I already know.
So to the question at hand, is it possible to move too fast when something just feels right?
A cautious person would say yes, and I am a cautions person. However, the woman who is now living externally as well as internally, is not so conservative when it comes to her life. She sees the errors of the past, the denials, and in a very real sense, the betrayals played upon her by a male body governed by the rules associated with that body. Of greater importance, I have never felt so alive as when I am being myself, being a woman.
For her, caution is not allowing society “norms” to dictate who she is, who I am. She has in a very real sense, been re-conceived, but not quite born again (dare I use such a religious reference), and to use an old cliché' her biological clock is ticking. The male got the lions share of our existence, my existence. So caution notwithstanding, how much longer, how much time can be spent debating what I already know to be true?
There is truly no more time or desire to wait, if anything I am moving too slow, and there are days when that delay is extremely painful emotionally. However, it is not caution or doubt regarding my being genuine about femininity that truly impedes a complete rebirth. It is in fact, my being a compassionate female, ironically insisting that whatever I do, I must be mindful of the people who knew me for who I was and to try, as much as possible, not to do anything that will break their hearts or estrange them from mine. They don't know “me” but I do know and love them. This is something that I think perhaps all of us share when faced with rebuilding our lives, perhaps more honestly that ever before, without erasing the best of our past.
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Open Letter to Admirers
Robin C Marks June 11th, 2009 4:59 pm MDTBeen somewhat of an odd day. I spend a lot of my free time chatting on URNA, which I find to be interesting as well as a way to talk to other girls. Inevitably the “admirers" find their way onto chat, and many of us have a good laugh at some of the ridiculous lines some of them throw out.
We are an interesting lot, with such a wide range of who and why we are. As I've mentioned in previous posts, one thing that occasionally bugs me is when men lump us all into one category. Yes, we have a lot in common, but we are all individuals and we all have different reasons for why we are who and what we are. I have found that even when men think they are being nice, if not charming, that lumping effect finds it way into what they perceive to be a complement.
OK, perhaps I am just being a bitch here. In defense of myself, I don't go off on a tirade with these guys unless they get vulgar or rude, but I am nonetheless a little bit offended, if not hurt, by their comments. One such comment today, after thinking about it and putting into perspective a bit, based on a comment made by another man, made me think a bit.
The statement was made to me by this gentleman “I love you girls (T-Girls) because you want to be beautiful” or something alone those lines. Well hell, what girl TG or GG does not want to be seen as beautiful? But it made me think, he had a point. Many of us do care about looking as good as we can. I am no exception. This got me to thinking about how people in general sort of take looking good for granted.
Sure, at the end of the day it is really the quality of ones character that determines one's long term attractability (if that is even a real word). But perhaps this guy had a valid point. Do some GG take it for granted that they are attractive and therefore make less effort to be “beautiful”? What about the men? Do they also not go that extra mile to make themselves presentable. Finally, what about us (T-Girls) and the men that are attracted to “girls like us”. Do they go the extra mile to be as good looking in their appearance and behavior to attract “girls like us”, who they apparently feel are more beautiful than many GG?
My honest observation is I don't know. My experience has been these wanna be prince charmings are attracted for the superficial reasons and if that were not bad enough, somehow see our extra efforts as an opportunity and eagerness for “Sweet Talk” to land them a roll in the hay.
For me personally, while I know it is not necessarily intentional, it is nonetheless hurtful. Granted, I am not looking for any relationship with any man, woman, or even another TG, I have enough on my plate transitioning from the man I lived as for years to being the woman I am inside. Yes, I genuinely consider myself a woman trapped in a mans body. Yes, I do try and look as presentable as my situation allows. Yes, I enjoy the occasional attention paid by a guy (gay, bi, or straight). But at the end of the day, I am a woman and I have on occasion, a lack self esteem about not just my looks, but my personality as well, I am human after all and throwing off the male side of me is not easy, for me or any of us.
So when these so called admirers start in with what they feel are complements, I have to wonder if they truly ponder the weight of the words they use, or do they just think we are all just a desperate bunch of guys in womens clothes, looking for sex. I acknowledge that some of us are in fact that, and more power to those girls (guys?) for living life the way they want. I cannot fault anybody for doing what makes them happy.
But I do fault, in particular, the men who assume we are all the same, and in their quest for physical and perhaps emotional satisfaction, actually cause some of us distress in their attempt to woo us.
If you are an admirer and/or truly feel “girls like us” are special, even if your goal is ultimately a physical relationship, have the decency and respect to truly treat us “Special”. If a girl is “on the prowl” for some “action”, you will find out soon enough.
Some of us however, might actually be looking for a real gentleman, real conversation without motive, if we are looking at all, and some respect for being what we are at the very heart of our being, a woman. Being sweet talked to as if we are thrilled to be different, does not really help your plans and may just cause some of us more emotional stress than we already have.
As one of the apparently disenchanted men stated in chat, “it's all about looks, girls (T-Girls mind you) only care about looks”. Now maybe I am different, but I don't think so. My response was it is not necessarily about looks. I judge anyone making advances on me by the first couple of sentences out of their mouth. What that person says to me in those first few words will dictate whether I keep listening or throw a drink in his face, or more likely something less extreme.
Ask yourself Mr. Admirer, would the words about to come out of your mouth be the same if I were a genetic woman? If you cannot truthfully answer yes to that question, do us both a favor and don't open your mouth!
We “T-Girls” are not all the same, but we all deserve genuine, if not special respect. Consider your motives and your attraction and then start talking.
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Life Begins
Robin C Marks June 6th, 2009 12:43 pm MDT<!-- @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } -->
It has been said to me the timing of my self discovery was perfect. I would disagree, as in hind site I would have preferred to have discovered myself a long time ago. However in all fairness the comment was made in reference to the fact that I did not miss out on Be All this year in Chicago.
There is a ring of overall accuracy in the statement just the same. I genuinely do not know what happened to me at Be All. I was only able to attend one evening and as things go it was a fantastic night out and a lot of fun, but not earth shattering as in there was no particular event that happened to effect my life, and yet something did change.
Until that evening, my night outs usually ended with me going from an extreme euphoria to well, depression. Due to my personal circumstances, like many girls, I have to “tear down” at the end of a night out, which for me is always stressful because the girl is otherwise enjoying and reviewing the evening's highlights and is then denied that small but significant prize, because she faced with the requirement of being put away until next time. It has many times, brought me to tears.
Yes, the “man” is a part of me, at least in the near term, we “grew up together”, there is a lot of each of us in the other that benefits both of us. However, until these last few months, he was always running the show. So when I am visibly disappearing in the mirror at the end of the night, there has always been a bit of resentment, if not hatred for “him”. Sure, I am still there, but he ultimately takes over.
At the end of my evening attending Be All however, something was different. Perhaps because of the drive time from the event, I had more time to reminisce about the evening, to enjoy and contemplate the events of the evening, to think about all the on-line friends I was able to meet in person, the new friendships I made, and well, just the whole thing.
Now here is the difference. Later that night as I was “tearing down”, the girl about to look into the mirror and start to see the “boy”, smiled at him with a sense of empowerment and thought, your days of dictating who we and how we live are coming to an end. You get this small victory here and now, but I absolutely know now that I am winning this debate, so welcome to my world.
There was no crying on the drive home that night. My appearance was once again male, but unlike previous evenings out, I was still alive and functioning, which continued even after night of well needed rest. It continues as I am writing this today. He now, is the on demand persona getting used on a need to basis.
For now, he changes the way we look and admittedly it is currently required given “our” situation. There are genuine logistical, social, and of course emotional considerations. I will have to live with the consequences of my transitioning to living as who I really am. But for reasons not completely clear, something did happened to me that night, and those convictions, the clarity over who I am was never more apparent to me, regardless of my physical body, this disfigurement if you will.
I know the road ahead is going to be difficult and painful. However, some things are just worth doing, some things must be done and I am still not even sure I have a clear plan on how those things are going to take place.
Nevertheless, I know that in many ways, I have already arrived.
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New Girl On The Block
Robin C Marks May 22nd, 2009 3:00 pm MDTThis is all so new to me, not just finding the girl inside but also in figuring out how she can express herself.
I'm not one to “blog” or whatever the correct term is for posting one's thoughts for all to read, but like a lot of things that I would never have done before, I'm willing to give it a try. I'm going to think of it as cheap therapy. Funny as it seems, writing one's thoughts down does provide a small release, which ultimately helps.
The last few weeks have been a rush of emotions for me. As alluded to previously, I have only recently discovered the woman inside. In actual fact, that is a somewhat incorrect characterization of what has transpired. The woman inside has always been there, it is just that until recently, "he" simply refused to acknowledge her as anything but some twisted accompaniment to my (our?) sexual preferences.
Ironically, acknowledging what is turning out to be the dominant side of my being, has also lead to the discovery that she really has nothing to do with my sexual preferences. If anything the real me, the female, is somewhat of a paradox sexually in that while remaining open minded about a lot of things, she is much more conservative, if that is even the correct term to use. That is definitely not to say that the “man” was promiscuous in any way, only that the woman has turned out to be a much different person. Odd, because when you get right down to it, “We” are fundamentally the same person. The big difference, despite the more conservative attitude, is that the woman is genuinely more honest about her sexuality than the man ever was.
I will admit to going though some turmoil over all that has happened. Like most late bloomers, the years of denial has ultimately created a life with both responsibilities and emotional ties which I am neither willing nor do I desire to dismiss, simply to complete my transformation. Because of this, the woman is still suffering and it does cause some emotional pain.
As if the basic emotional issues were not enough, while I am fortunate to be able to look reasonably passable, I am not happy to look in the mirror and see any physical resemblance of the man who has dominated my life all these years. The struggle is less about me being passable to others as much as it is the need to see the woman I feel inside when I look in the mirror. It is a bit ironic in that the health needs of the man, which dictated some serious weight loss, is what allowed me to start seeing the woman again. As I have told some of my closest TG friends, the weight gain may have been caused in an attempt to deny the woman, a way of protecting the man from something he did not understand. Still, as a woman, when I look in the mirror, sadly, the word cow comes to mind. That however, I can change without complications. ;-)
The most fascinating part of all of this for me, is that I am genuinely sure that the majority of my being is female. It is both a blessing and a nightmare all in one. Blessing because I have never felt so normal and comfortable with who I am, as I feel when I am woman. Blessing to also discover that the need to be woman is not driven by any sexual desires. Nightmare because I still wake up every day in the man's world, in the man's body, knowing that I must find time to create the world in which the woman can live in. It's like being a leap year baby waiting for your next birthday.
All I can do for the moment is to take each day as it comes, try to plan a little bit, and hope that time does not run out before this girl can truly realize her potential.
Don't know if I will post on a regular basis. I suppose it will depend on my mood, emotional state, and/or a host of other factors. If you have read this much, thanks! You may be that much more into my world for it!
Kisses
Robin
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Merr Christmas/Happu Hanukkah/Happy New Year
Princess Lilly December 22nd, 2008 11:12 pm MSTMy wishes to all..I wish for your thoughts to be positive ones,
that you never quit, that you never give up,
and that you continue to learn.
I wish for the love, peace, and joy
of Christmas be yours always..
Remember to spread the real message of christmas.. LOVE..
to the people who need it most..
the under privileged, the sick.. the poor..
and you will get the blessings of the babe in the manger..
coz you would have known the purpose for which he came
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Chicago Be All 2008
Candice St. James September 13th, 2008 10:15 am MDTChicago Be All 2008I walked into the hotel lobby and the sun was very blinding. I then heard a voice say look what just flew in from Boston. I had no idea who said it as I couldn't see but I continued to walk in when I heard, Candy a man should not be born with legs that good looking. Only then did I realize it was Jamie Austin. I laughed and said to him, "Do I look like a f'ing man to you?" Some highlights: I loved meeting a trans-woman named Kay Gould. Kay was a writer and journalist and is now in her 70's. Kay is very, very ill with Parkinson's Disease was confined to a wheel chair. I loved hearing from Kay and her gal pal about how Kay was one of the original founders of the Be All. They shared with us photos of Kay in younger days and in better health. I teased her about some of the more provocative photos which drew a smile and a laugh. I also thanked her very, very much for being a pioneer and laying the groundwork for tgirls like myself to be more widely accepted in this world. She was very touched and she started to choke back a tear, as did I. It was a genuine moment and I thank you again Kay, you are a blessing. OK, the purple wig, I tried it on in the vendor area and everyone rushed me and said buy it. I didn't. I went shopping at the mall with my BFF Bridgett and we later returned to the vendor area. Everyone came up to me and said I saw you in that wig earlier and it looked so cute on you...so I bought it. I needed something sexy to wear to Dr. Z's Party that night. It was the perfect wig for the party and many of you told me that. Thank you all for the nice compliments...you are all too kind. A special shout out to Bridgett Sommers....anyone who puts up with me in a bra and panties while putting my face on is OK in my book. Also special shouts to Tiffany Starr, Nikki LaVey & Karyn, Taylor, and of course the Island Girls. Hope to see you all again sooner rather than later, Sweetest Candy[Comment on this post]
12 and a wake-up
Karyn Danielle Schmahl July 30th, 2008 8:55 am MDTMy travel plans have been more or less finalised, and in 13 days, I will be stepping off a United Airlines flight to Anchorage and into what is going to be the most interesting and wild ride of my life...To say that I'm excited and just a little anxious is an understatement, but so far, it has been nothing but absofrackinglutely incredible... Saying "see you later" to my beautiful sisters here at "Casa de Nikki" (otherwise known as the headquarters of "Transsexual Menace of Dundalk") is going to be difficult and pretty teary to say the least, but they also know that I am walking into a friendship and who knows how far that we can go relationship, and am very happy for me... But right now....so much to do, so little time to do it in!!![Comment on this post]
Help from a source least expected
Karyn Danielle Schmahl July 27th, 2008 9:48 am MDTWell, my last journal entry was short and sweet and a cry for help...mainly just because of the continued frustration I had been running into in trying to make an old empty broken-into trashed trailer fit for a semblence of human habitation with a friend who also happens to be an on-line shemale fetish model... That "cry for help" was answered in a way I never imagined or dreamed that it would or could be, and as a result, shortly my mailing address will not be in Pennsylvania, or any of the 48 adjacent, but Anchorage, Alaska... Miss Rhonda Sheer, who I have grown very close to over the past few months, has graciously offered to share her home and assist me in getting myself re-established as a productive member of society, an offer which I have accepted (and in reality took about 20 seconds, but considered it for several hours before accepting)... The offer absolutely floored me, but as we have been talking over the past couple of days, not only am I looking forward to a new start in a new locale, but the possibility of establishing not only a long term friendship, but more... Honey, all I can say is I will never truly be able to ever tell or show you how much this all means to me...[1 comment]
Ughhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Karyn Danielle Schmahl July 25th, 2008 2:57 pm MDTThe nightmare continues...HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![Comment on this post]
Busy busy busy
Karyn Danielle Schmahl July 14th, 2008 10:10 am MDTWell, once again, time to update....It has been a very busy couple of weeks, since things are changing rapidly here at the headquarters od Transsexual Menace Dundalk... I am currently assisting Miss Barbi Satin in gutting and rebuilding her house north of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, in preparation to move in there in about three weeks...So far I have completely gutted the kitchen except for upper cabinets and 18 feet of hall floor... I relaid the kitchen floor last week, and am waiting on a new sink and countertops before plumbing it all back together again... Eight feet of hallway has been relaid...with the bathroom next, then the living room...which will also have a new window put in as well... Thank the Goddesses for the time I am able to spend with My friends here on URNA...I think I would be a basket case otherwise...HUGZ to all of you for your support!!![Comment on this post]
Might as well blog here too...
Karyn Danielle Schmahl June 29th, 2008 10:14 am MDTWell. I've been a member of URNA like forever, and finally decided it is time to add the journal to My profile....this is probably the best way to keep up with the roller coaster ride that My life has become... Most recent news I guess is that I am going to go into business with Barbi Satin, the Fetish Shemale...and am in the process of refurbishing Her place up near Gettysburg, PA... I have recently met some absolutely wonderful people here who are just rocking My world...You all know who you are...and Shalon, my love....YOU are at the top of that list... And Jayla...thanks sooooooooooooooooo much for being there for Me, precious...I am so looking forward to our meeting in the not too distant future... I'll try to update this one as often as I can...and thanks for listening to Me...HUGZ to all My buddettes here on URNA...[Comment on this post]
Getting to know Roxanne
Roxanne Lowe October 20th, 2007 10:07 pm MDTI am relatively new as a member to URNA but I have visited for years. I am so glad I joined because I feel a sense of community here. I have already made some new friends and reacquainted with some old friends. I wish I knew why I like to dress as a woman but suffice to say I do and I doubt that I will ever stop. I love all things feminine when I am dressed, stockings, makeup, wig, lingerie, dresses, skirts and heels. I especially love to put on makeup. I have been dressing since I was about 10 and probably thinking about it way before then. If you have a comment or observation, I would love to hear it. Hugs Roxanne.[Comment on this post]
Meh= me+eh....
Sean January 6th, 2007 12:10 pm MSTFeeling a bit tired. gettign my place togetehr while watching Charlie and the Chocolate factory.[1 comment]
The life of this islandgirl
Donna Greer September 14th, 2006 8:47 am MDT The year started out on New Years eve, with hundreds of people waiting for the ball to drop in the main street of little Blue Island, everyone hugging and accepting even Donna. January's meeting and Social, and CGS Meetings. Also weekly bingo at the edge. Feburary is anniversary month for the islandgirls, and we had 111 ladies plus guest for the party. From there to Southside Irish Parade, Donna became Irish for the day. Then to CGS St. Patty's Day Dinner, good food plus special date for Donna. Islandgirls and CGS monthloy meetings. April had a fund raiser candlelight bowling, donna helped raise donations, make prizes, and then bowled for the first time, plenty of pictures. Oh almost missed a terrific birthday party with a GG and her wonderful family, Donna and the girls. June was a busy month first Be-all, a week for ladies from all over the world to come to Chicago and be themselves, and a week for Donna of long days in our booth, in heels, meeting new friends and old. Rita And Lorie's wedding, I took 300 pictures and first time for Donna in a church. Followed by Pridefest working the entry gates, donna met hundreds of people, only to have to hurry back to the Edge for a Pride Drag Show, late night for Donna, and then up early for Pride Parade. About 500 photos for that weekend. Then throw in the Gay Games here in Chicago and Donna Greer meeting Donna Rose our Transgender Gold Medal winner, lovely lady inside and out. July had meetings and shows with our Islandgirls mothly meetings and weekly bingo. August didn't slow her down, first market days, two long days on the gates. Then time for Windy City rodeo, starting with the Edge's Rodeo Drag show, followed by the welcoming party at the Edge, then two days of rodeo, Donna spending most of the time cooking or serving hungry cowboys and fans. Sunday night was awards party over 500 photos for that weekend also. A page and one half in Nightspots. September has our meetings, and a night out to Joliet for a show presented as a fund raiser for C.A.A.N and support group in Joliet. Then a night out for Donna bowling at a welcoming party for bowlers at a local bowling alley. This Saturday will be volunteering for Aids Walk registration. and then Donna will give a presentation to C.A.A.N on being transgendered. Then it was evening of Hawaian fun at the Edsge limbo and hula dancing. Met the chicago crossdressors at Cornelias for an evening of fun, plenty of photos. Next was a Drag show at the Edge with their normal preformers, great show. Donna's birthday an evening of enjoyment, bingo, wonderful food and then Karaoke at the Edge with my son and daughter-inlaw. That was followed by The Islandgirls drag show, I didn't preform this time so I could get plenty of great pictures of the other girls, oh yeah Donna had to sneek up for the final act. Then came December Blue Island Light Parade sure like my warm pink Jacket. The islandgirls Christmas dinner was next (70) ladies in attendance, good food and just plain fun. then off to Janna's Christmas Party wow many t-girls and plenty of GG's, thanks Janna and welcome June. Then it was time for the Edge's Christmas Party as always great. Well that brings us to the end of the year. From there not sure but you can be sure Donna will be busy as an islandgirl.[Comment on this post]