URNotAlone

Ramblings from a spaz

April 3rd, 2008 10:26 am MST

Ok well not really but i do like eye catching titles that make people think and take a look at the writing. In case you havent guessed this is Racheal writing for the frist time in the journal.   Well its been quite an intresting journey and a lot of fun along the way. Kevin and I have been going out since October and moved in together in November so i thought it was time i put out my two cents worth. I had an account here back in the day and I even paid for the subscription so I had the fancy stuff. I dropped the account when it went to the ratings and everyone was going around giving each other hi fives and great jobs simply because others were doing it for you and i didnt like it. I ended up talking to a lot of people and a lot of friends and many of them I have gone on to meet in real life. One of those people was kevin. So all in all we have talked off and on for like 3 years so i did feel like i knew him pretty well before moving in with him. I get asked all the time if i love kevin and the answer is simply - YYYEEEESSSSS!   Being with kevin is like finally finding the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle that was stuffed down in the couch. I mean my life is now a complete picture and has real meaning. I am a very happy girl and very glad i gave him a chance. He is my missing piece and now I am whole and complete.   That isnt to say there hasnt been any challanges - including his divorce leaving us on foodstamps so we can eat but thats all part of life. Having such a close and loving relationship inspite of the difficulties and darkness we are currently struggling thru leads me to believe we will be best friends and lovers forever. But life is slowly turning for us and we are having more positive sunny days than bad.   One of the big issues we face is Kevin / Anna begininning transition - into taking meds and everything. This has left me torn and confused and conflicted in many areas so I am constantly reassesing and reevaluting life as our relationship evolves and grows. My biggest fear is he / she is doing it to make me happy but I dont want any choices being made on my preferences or ideas. I am very mallable and fluid in the whole gender presentation and accepting my partner in any presentation so dont think thats the part that gets me. Its more the idea that I may be the factor in such a life changing event.   I know me being successful in my transition and the way i present and look are not typical. I feared my moving in with Kevin / Anna was going to put the whole trans issue in his / her face and force him / her to face things he had already settled in his / her mind. Turns out I was right about that and now I struggle with dealing with my feelings of being the cause of his / her torment and ultimitely the decision to change. I dont want the changes good or bad to be because of me but rather to be because they are right.   I am not sure were this will go, how far Anna will take over or what is coming in the future. I do know that I am happy and will take each day as it is meant to be - as a gift from the gods and live it as the spirits dictate.   Blessed Be   Racheal