Stefan J G
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Journal Entries for Stefan J G
First time
October 6th, 2008 9:36 am MDT
I am one of four boys in my family and out of all of us I seemed to be the normal one out of the bunch. When we were younger I did not do anything that would be classed as a rebel, I would sit up in my room and write on a word processor and later a computer of the stories. Even before that I would play by myself which was a red flag apparently to my parents who then tried their best to help me out of the “Funk” I was in. No one realized the actual things running through my mind and how they affected me. I had a dream one day that showed me how bad I was when I had two ladies down in the living room of my house. Both of them were wearing corsets, one in a satin bright red and one in a satin royal blue. They were talking to my father who then looking up at me and said, “Come on down, I would like to introduce you to….” As I walked or rather floated down the stairs I noticed that the two women ended up being transgender girls because both had nothing else on and showed everything. As I reached the bottom step I woke up. I sat in bed actually feeling embarrassed by the dream. I did not know what was going on or who I could talk to. The very first time I ever saw a transgender girl was in the back of one of my brother’s porno magazines. I was the average teenager sneaking them out of one of their rooms and into mine to look at them but then I found the very small picture that was about the size of a fingernail in the back that showed a girl with her breast exposed and a penis. I later found that it was Sulka. I then started searching though all the magazines to find more pictures. I could not rip pages out so I kept the ones that had the pictures and put back the ones that did not except one. It was a Playboy magazine that I found intriguing. The shoot was of two girls that were well done and tasteful. I started to combine the two in my mind of the Playboy and the little picture to allow my mind to go on its own voyage. I have seen a lot since then but I still do not forget the moment I first discovered the transgender girl and my attraction to them.
My background story
October 5th, 2008 1:03 am MDT
Recently, I have been contemplating the total time that I have known of the existence of the transgender community and how I have had many times tip toed around the border of my life and the lives of those who lived in it. I have known about transgender of some form or another for about eighteen or nineteen years. I originally saw the individuals as an object like any other ignorant child. Only several years after that did I start to gain an understanding about the community better by talking to a group of people that I fondly started calling my family. Several invited me to visit them and finding out more how it was to live in a society I had no idea of. I thought I knew how to handle the society after visiting and got a clear wakeup call after meeting a nice post op girl through the internet. I found that after the first date that she was nothing like I thought I knew. I quickly realized that she was not my type at all. After that date and finding out that the both of us were not compatible. I tried to use the internet again to see if I could find something that might be more compatible. I came across an individual who was more my type but then found I had bitten off more than I could chew with the fact that she was addicted to drugs and alcohol. Following my past problems I remembered one of my friends advice, you might be better off finding a kinky girl than a transgender one. I went out and found a girl who I believe would be what I wanted allowing me to be myself. She ended up not being able to except who I am and we drifted apart. I have been this way for as long as I could remember. The problem has been at first I did not know how to explain it to people yet as time moved on I was able to feel comfortable and explain it to the people I could trust. I just recently came to the conclusion as of the beginning of 2008 that all my friends and family should know exactly how I am. I thought about it and with the help of my female friends I have come to the conclusion, I am a mental hermaphrodite. I know that my body will never allow me to be anything more than a man and with the fact that I do enjoy who I am right at the moment, I am an admirer of the transgender community and know the thought process. My female friends have nicknamed my “female moments” with a silly, cute name but I only let that part of my personality out with people I feel safe.
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