URNotAlone

Gift of tears

January 10th, 2009 2:05 am MST

I am going to share something which I haven't shared since writing my book, it makes me cry horribly but it cleanses me as well. Which I really need sometimes and only she can do it.

My mother always said I was a special child, not only because of the difference that is inside my body because I love everyone. That I show love and I care about them, something few people actually do but I know a few, she would be proud that I found these people.

It was her and I against the whole world when she was alive, oh boy did we have the good times and the bad times too. She sang that song you and me against the world from Helen Reddy. I will tell you she was my hero, someone I looked up to. My mother, sure miss her so very much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

Be prepared, trust me when I say this, for as I reread it the tears began again but I wanted to share this one thing with my readers and friends. It isn't always about me, it is about everyone but she found her way here because I found her tape. (you'll understand later)

I was working for a auto parts store making $3.50 hour, going to college and sleeping in my car because I was too poor to afford a place of my own. I would visit my mom everyday while she was in the hospital, you see my mom had throat cancer so the doctors surgically extracted her larynx and left her with a hole instead but it lasted for about 18 months, during that time I took her home she didn't want to die in a hospital. This hospital was the very one I was born at but trust me I wouldn't want to die there either. I rewired that thing she used to talk like a robot, it was too quiet and she now sounded like a normal voice somewhat but it was better than a robot.
She loved it, mom always had the best I would see to it.

So I drove her home and waited on her, sat by her bed day and night this was after all my mother. She would ask where I was living and I would tell her a white lie, I never wanted her to worry about me. {excuse me a moment I have a crying spell here} She had enough to worry about and me to tell her the truth would send her over the edge. She lost her beautiful voice, but earlier in my life I recorded her talking actually scolding me and then talking, but it was to remember her always.

{excuse me again another crying spell here}Where was I?

Mom had to go back to the hospital, she wasn't eating right, so I was given some nasty liquid named ensure that she could keep her strength up. As the months went on it was work, mom, school, mom and I stayed with her then but she was getting worse. She wouldn't drink that ensure, so I would buy her shakes and put protein powder in it to keep her strength up. She was a smoker, she smoked till the day she died and she drank too, vodka, she said the pain was less so I let her do it. I didn't want her to be sick anymore, watching her suffer hurt me so much but there was nothing I could do to lessen the pain.

I ended up bringing her back to the hospital, god I hated that place.

It was in August, two weeks from my birthday I would be 23. Mom said to me she was dying, I would tell her no you are alright the doctors are doing all they can and she would say "listen honey, you have to understand I am dying". I just wouldn't listen to her, I didn't want to hear that, after all not only was she my mother she was my best friend too.


Mother had me sit close she wanted to tell me something, so I lean in close to her, she whispered "I have something for your birthday." I smiled and said you don't have to give me anything, I have you Mom that's all I want. Mom went on to say that what she was to give me something you couldn't find it in a store, you had to earn it and it will always be mine because it would never grow old or outdated. I couldn't understand what she was explaining to me, till much later.

Now I would visit her twice a day to be sure she was alright, I was told to stay home one day and rest and with that I did. I didn't like that much but she asked me to stay home and rest.

My younger brother came to my work the next morning, people were looking for me I asked what heavens for, he said something is wrong with mom.

How could that be I asked, I only took one day off, like she asked me to. He wanted to drive but I did instead, my younger brother stands 6'3 and is built like a building, when I said I will drive with the look in my eye he backed down. We were at the hospital in less than 5 minutes, a 20 minute drive.

As he and I approached the nursing station going to her room, 2 orderlies stood in my path, my brother said to them, not here that is our mother. I was allowed to pass without an incident. I walked into her room and there she laid blood on the wall, she had a terrible death, she had a cardiac arrest which the nurses hadn't even cleaned up but I didn't notice it till later, you see I thought she was sleeping and I got into the bed to hold her while she slept.

It was six days to my birthday and her dying was was my present.

{crying again sorry}

She didn't want to see me suffering and worrying about her no more, my mother wanted me to be happy and carry on and become the person we had always discussed which I am doing now.

When she laid in my arms I was rocking her just as she had when I was a baby, here was my mother asleep in my arms. My brother tried to get me to let go, and eventually I did but I don't remember that actually it took me three weeks to cry, I went into shock.

I wrote her eulogy just as she asked me to, which I still have somewhere.

The one thing she was so proud of me was I was good to people, not to pat myself on the back here, I would try to help anyone if I could and that very day when she died before I got there, I wanted nothing more than to see she was comfortable and her baby was there with her. You see I was momma's girl or boy, depends on who ever you talk to in the family.

I miss her so much, it has been 24 years since I seen her. I visit her urn every chance I get, sometimes more than ever just to be by her side and cleanses myself.

I believe it now when she said she would give me a gift like no other and you know what she did.


I love you too Mom.




*this took box of tissue and 8 hours to write and was worth every tear.

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Untitled Post

October 23rd, 2008 12:45 pm MDT

3 ways of removing hair, videos show you how

 

http://shaunabaggett.blogspot.com/2008/10/3-ways-of-removing-hair-videos-show-you.html

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Happy of who I am

August 5th, 2008 12:16 pm MDT

I can't believe I'll turn 47 this month. I'm amazed I've lived this long and survived my life as a Intersex person of sorts. It has never been an easy journey; in fact, it's been very difficult, being different and trying to fit in, not only in the two-sex/two-gender binary system at large. Most people when they see me read me as a "average type guy," but that wasn't always the case and in some ways still isn't. I'm still seeking a welcoming community where I feel comfortable and accepted for who I am.

 

One's sex is different from one's gender identity. Both are different from one's sexual orientation. The religious right likes to melt us all into one, as if we were all the same species. People come in all colors, styles, sexed anatomies, expressions and sexual experience. We need to celebrate the diversity that we bring to our irreplaceable and special world.

 

We are diverse men! But what do we mean by "men" and, in particular, what do we mean by "male" or "man"? We know the stereotypical characteristics that all males/men are supposed to possess: hyper-masculinization appearance, an adequate phallus/penis size (hopefully something over 3 inches when erect), and being able to stand to pee. But what else should we possess in the sexual anatomy department? Well, I guess we're supposed to have two testicles in a scrotum that produces sperm and testosterone (and some estrogen so we act nice occasionally). And we need sex chromosomes, which are XY for the standard-looking male.

 

Can a male/man have any other sexual anatomy than what we presume to be standard or normal? There are many boys born with micro-penis, and in the past century many were reassigned female and given vaginoplasties. Yikes!

Doctors seem to think a man needs an adequate penis only for vaginal sex. Some people are born with ova-testis and others with blind vaginas. People come in all sorts of sex chromosome variations too: XXY, XXX, XYY, XXYY, XXXY, XO, XY females (known as androgen insensitivity syndrome) and XX men, XY/XXY and all sorts of other mosaic patterns.

 

Can any of these persons be considered males/men? It depends on how they identify, if they are not aborted first. Although most people on the planet come in the two standard-sexed bodies, many of us do not. Depending on how "intersex" is defined, variations exist in anywhere from 1 in 150 to 1 in 2000 births. Doctors still perform infant genital surgeries (and hormonal interventions) five times a day in the USA. I guess they feel pressured by our binary-addicted culture. How can a doctor decide what is best for a child's future sex life? What if that child were destined to grow up into a gay man?

 

When I was 11 and puberty came, I knew I was different from other boys. I still hadn't developed like others, and I was often teased for having small testicles, and I had gynecomastia (breast growth in a male). My energy was very low and I was a shy, awkward, emotional, self-conscious and sensitive "feminine" kid. My parents were concerned about my lack of development. They were told by the family doctor I would grow up to be "normal" and be able to have children.

 

I experimented sexually a lot starting in high school and struggled with my sense of gender and sexuality all through my Navy years. In my teens, I enjoyed dressing up and discovered a whole new world that was exciting and creative. I came to hate traditional gender roles with a vengeance! And I wasn't sure what world I really belonged to. I knew I was different, and I wanted to fit in somewhere.

 

When I was 30, I went to an infertility clinic because my wife and I wanted to find out if my body produced any sperm, since I had my doubts. Although I treasured my difference, I wondered why I had small breasts, big nipples and a smooth feminine-looking physique, never having developed a musculature like other guys my age. After several tests, I was informed that I had XXY sex chromosomes, 10 percent of the standard testosterone production levels for an XY male and no sperm. I was offered testosterone and testicular implants but refused. I've since learned that this anatomical variation happens 1 in 17,000 births, it is called Klinefelter's Syndrome, and exist within various creatures in the animal kingdom.

 

I was OK with the body I was born with but my obstetrics/gynecologist apparently was not. She prescribed synthetic estrogen to be taken every day for the rest of my life. She is very helpful and continues to watch over me, I am going through puberty again in my 40s. My once hairless body was now producing hair (much to my disgust) while I started little sparse of hair on my once bald face. I too am rounding in my hips and waistline also places where I would not have expected. I became quite soft and trim.

 

 

I had always felt caught between the sexes without knowing why. Emotionally and spiritually, I have always felt more feminine. During the first few months of estrogen replacement therapy, I felt that my male persona was dying. It was a time of overwhelming confusion, yet also a time of discovery. My sexual orientation hadn't changed; I am still attracted to women.

I didn't understand why I had been chosen to have this experience, and I often wondered whether I should have stayed who I was. I knew that being "caught between" would be my life challenge and that would be OK since I felt whole with all my unique parts. I have since gotten back in touch with my female side, and I have realized that I never completely lost her.

 

For many years I was filled with shame and a sense of freakishness, and was told by my mother to keep my secret. I didn't learn until 1977 that what I had was an intersex condition, that who I was originally was OK, and that I never had to take any hormones to change the way I looked. I like the term "intersex" because I prefer more choices than male or female. I think there is a continuum from male to female, like shades of grey between black and white. If only I had always known it was OK to be different and that I didn't really need to fit into our binary system, I think I would have been a much happier person. I might have avoided some of the pain that I've had to endure to fit in. It's been hard to feel like I belong to a community, any community.

 

When others look at me, they probably see a fairly handsome feminine man. In many ways, I look and acted like a typical man. I guess most people see me like that and don't think anymore about it. But I know that the truth is much more complicated. If you see a guy who looks "feminine," just remember you can't judge a book by its cover. And not all of us were created to populate the planet into extinction.

 

I am fortunate to have many wonderful friends who have helped me with my transition and have continued to love me just the way I am.

 

I want to be a part of a healthy and caring LGBTI community where "difference" is seen as an attribute, not a detriment. We are all diverse. We belong to many different communities. We are not all the same.

Many even in our community feel pressured by our binary-addicted culture. And many of us feel like we don't fit in. I decided that telling the truth of my story and educating others about who I am is the only way to go. I think as people we are always trying to figure out what it means to belong. And many of us are looking for a community to belong to. My journey is my way of knowing this is who I am and I am happy with it.

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Just a girl

July 25th, 2008 4:48 pm MDT

My emotional side is catching up with me when someone makes comments and I hurl into a series of crying fits, jeez what is that all about? Looking at my future as a woman and I am so excited, maybe you don't know I have lived in both genders and I know how both have the club advantages.

Males are truly pigs I am sorry for saying that, no I am not, that gender is a class in itself. The scratching and tugging, moving their packages to re-adjust oh my god wash your ass once in awhile or wear baggier clothes to get air in there. The high five slaps when their team makes the score, come on life can be much more exciting if you participate in the real sport. Did you happen to look at your fashion guys, brown and black shoes what total 20 different pair of the same thing then the athletic shoes give me a break. Put some variety in there won't you, heck no, that would mean you would have to use some of that brain muscle and that would strain something. Then the clothes, T-shirts, dress shirts, ties and pants and the same ole style of suits god where is the different flavors? Accessories where? What a cap or a watch, once in awhile a gold chain around a neck submerged in that hairy (yuck) mess. Standing around talking about how lucky we are getting laid or making the other fellow feeling bad that he didn't get any because he didn't do it like this or that and the high five again. Men have a special bonding club, it is so unique none other is like it. The power they have over women they think they are better but really they no clue, if it wasn't for the woman with her knowledge the business would have crumbled long ago. I really hate to be critical with that but they are like cave men, and I had to associate with them because I was taught that way. Young boys are taught to not cry, brush it off stand straight and move on. Don't be a sissy be a man and so be it that is what is drilled into your head. Put down that doll, no you can not hang out with the girls you will be labeled a sissy. Trucks, cars and skinning the knee, no tears your a man now. I hated that club so much, I didn't care I was a sissy so what but I could kick your ass if you provoked me enough. I have been in a whole 3 fights, only because someone wanted to test my abilities I guess.

Yes men have a club of their own and you have to be male to be in it, I will be loosing that membership one day oh well too bad but it never changes so I could tell you about it.

The club I have always wanted to be in has been in front of my face since I was born, I am different, I am all girl which I never had a chance to smile when I received flowers or giggle like the girl I am. This is a wonderful womanhood that I missed because I was being trained to be a boy, when I should have been wearing dresses and cute socks, puppy dogs and kitties oh so cute shopping for whatever sale is going on come on lets go. I can not say he is cute because I am not that way but you sure look hot in that you bitch I wanted to wear that. Being a woman can not be compared to anything out there, it is quite special and my hormones tell that every minute of everyday. Is my nail polish right and wait no it is the wrong color for this outfit, off it comes and the right finish needs to be on and oh look at that bathing suit no way wrong color it will make me look fat wait can I have that bag instead. Damn look at all those shoes, yes I am a shoe slut I can not help it so much variety and my god I don't have enough room well get rid of that spare bedroom I need the space. No heels darn they kill my calves, those wedges are beautiful and look what they do to my butt, I got to get one of each color and style wait does that have a belt to go with that oh I need a new purse darn It need that scarf too. Oh and the clothes please don't even get me started, the accessories I need that spare bedroom made into a walk in closet, I am so happy wait is that a split end oh my and where did that pimple come from. The plucking of hair to be so perfectly beautiful just for myself not because I have to impress anyone wait is that a gray hair time to color it no more gray please. Get my attention with perfume on display, the clothes I can shop for hours and hours does this make my ass look big oh how does this fit crap I need to loose more weight darn I wanted that too.

I am so emotional lately and also being unemployed sure doesn't help because it gives me time to myself too much which I really start to see the imperfections about myself. I once bought a pair of seven inch heels, what was I thinking back then, I tried oh did I ever try to walk in them and my tendons from my calves were screaming to get my feet out of those torture chambers. They sit on my shelf staring at me now, had to be a man that made that style because no woman is crazy enough to wear them. The weight I have on my body oh darn brownie I knew better but oh so delicious couldn't help myself and now I am paying for it pushups and crunches, running so many miles sweating oh how nasty sweat everywhere gawd I don't need this now, I want that skirt to fit right please no more weight.

Can't be wasting time on being a man anymore, I want to be the woman I am, the bond we have us girls and knowing what we are having in the emotional need gawd I missed that so much I guess I was always the girl and never knew it but I loved having that in me. Time to find a job and get back to saving money, I want my body to be perfect well almost because it will never be perfect, I sure can not wait to see myself in that wedding dress just one time.

So now you have it, the difference between genders. I love being a woman more than a man for the simple reason I am proud of who I am, I am stronger than the male species though they thought I was trained to be something I am not. It is a welcoming feeling when I am in the shower shaving the sparse peach fuzz on my legs and splashing bath oil on my body because I want to be soft and pretty. I have been doing this since I was a boy, and I do cry when I scrap my knee so what that doesn't make me a sissy I am just a girl.

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Just a girl

July 25th, 2008 4:47 pm MDT

My emotional side is catching up with me when someone makes comments and I hurl into a series of crying fits, jeez what is that all about? Looking at my future as a woman and I am so excited, maybe you don't know I have lived in both genders and I know how both have the club advantages.

Males are truly pigs I am sorry for saying that, no I am not, that gender is a class in itself. The scratching and tugging, moving their packages to re-adjust oh my god wash your ass once in awhile or wear baggier clothes to get air in there. The high five slaps when their team makes the score, come on life can be much more exciting if you participate in the real sport. Did you happen to look at your fashion guys, brown and black shoes what total 20 different pair of the same thing then the athletic shoes give me a break. Put some variety in there won't you, heck no, that would mean you would have to use some of that brain muscle and that would strain something. Then the clothes, T-shirts, dress shirts, ties and pants and the same ole style of suits god where is the different flavors? Accessories where? What a cap or a watch, once in awhile a gold chain around a neck submerged in that hairy (yuck) mess. Standing around talking about how lucky we are getting laid or making the other fellow feeling bad that he didn't get any because he didn't do it like this or that and the high five again. Men have a special bonding club, it is so unique none other is like it. The power they have over women they think they are better but really they no clue, if it wasn't for the woman with her knowledge the business would have crumbled long ago. I really hate to be critical with that but they are like cave men, and I had to associate with them because I was taught that way. Young boys are taught to not cry, brush it off stand straight and move on. Don't be a sissy be a man and so be it that is what is drilled into your head. Put down that doll, no you can not hang out with the girls you will be labeled a sissy. Trucks, cars and skinning the knee, no tears your a man now. I hated that club so much, I didn't care I was a sissy so what but I could kick your ass if you provoked me enough. I have been in a whole 3 fights, only because someone wanted to test my abilities I guess.

Yes men have a club of their own and you have to be male to be in it, I will be loosing that membership one day oh well too bad but it never changes so I could tell you about it.

The club I have always wanted to be in has been in front of my face since I was born, I am different, I am all girl which I never had a chance to smile when I received flowers or giggle like the girl I am. This is a wonderful womanhood that I missed because I was being trained to be a boy, when I should have been wearing dresses and cute socks, puppy dogs and kitties oh so cute shopping for whatever sale is going on come on lets go. I can not say he is cute because I am not that way but you sure look hot in that you bitch I wanted to wear that. Being a woman can not be compared to anything out there, it is quite special and my hormones tell that every minute of everyday. Is my nail polish right and wait no it is the wrong color for this outfit, off it comes and the right finish needs to be on and oh look at that bathing suit no way wrong color it will make me look fat wait can I have that bag instead. Damn look at all those shoes, yes I am a shoe slut I can not help it so much variety and my god I don't have enough room well get rid of that spare bedroom I need the space. No heels darn they kill my calves, those wedges are beautiful and look what they do to my butt, I got to get one of each color and style wait does that have a belt to go with that oh I need a new purse darn It need that scarf too. Oh and the clothes please don't even get me started, the accessories I need that spare bedroom made into a walk in closet, I am so happy wait is that a split end oh my and where did that pimple come from. The plucking of hair to be so perfectly beautiful just for myself not because I have to impress anyone wait is that a gray hair time to color it no more gray please. Get my attention with perfume on display, the clothes I can shop for hours and hours does this make my ass look big oh how does this fit crap I need to loose more weight darn I wanted that too.

I am so emotional lately and also being unemployed sure doesn't help because it gives me time to myself too much which I really start to see the imperfections about myself. I once bought a pair of seven inch heels, what was I thinking back then, I tried oh did I ever try to walk in them and my tendons from my calves were screaming to get my feet out of those torture chambers. They sit on my shelf staring at me now, had to be a man that made that style because no woman is crazy enough to wear them. The weight I have on my body oh darn brownie I knew better but oh so delicious couldn't help myself and now I am paying for it pushups and crunches, running so many miles sweating oh how nasty sweat everywhere gawd I don't need this now, I want that skirt to fit right please no more weight.

Can't be wasting time on being a man anymore, I want to be the woman I am, the bond we have us girls and knowing what we are having in the emotional need gawd I missed that so much I guess I was always the girl and never knew it but I loved having that in me. Time to find a job and get back to saving money, I want my body to be perfect well almost because it will never be perfect, I sure can not wait to see myself in that wedding dress just one time.

So now you have it, the difference between genders. I love being a woman more than a man for the simple reason I am proud of who I am, I am stronger than the male species though they thought I was trained to be something I am not. It is a welcoming feeling when I am in the shower shaving the sparse peach fuzz on my legs and splashing bath oil on my body because I want to be soft and pretty. I have been doing this since I was a boy, and I do cry when I scrap my knee so what that doesn't make me a sissy, I am just a girl.

[Comment on this post]

Just a girl

July 25th, 2008 4:47 pm MDT

My emotional side is catching up with me when someone makes comments and I hurl into a series of crying fits, jeez what is that all about? Looking at my future as a woman and I am so excited, maybe you don't know I have lived in both genders and I know how both have the club advantages.

Males are truly pigs I am sorry for saying that, no I am not, that gender is a class in itself. The scratching and tugging, moving their packages to re-adjust oh my god wash your ass once in awhile or wear baggier clothes to get air in there. The high five slaps when their team makes the score, come on life can be much more exciting if you participate in the real sport. Did you happen to look at your fashion guys, brown and black shoes what total 20 different pair of the same thing then the athletic shoes give me a break. Put some variety in there won't you, heck no, that would mean you would have to use some of that brain muscle and that would strain something. Then the clothes, T-shirts, dress shirts, ties and pants and the same ole style of suits god where is the different flavors? Accessories where? What a cap or a watch, once in awhile a gold chain around a neck submerged in that hairy (yuck) mess. Standing around talking about how lucky we are getting laid or making the other fellow feeling bad that he didn't get any because he didn't do it like this or that and the high five again. Men have a special bonding club, it is so unique none other is like it. The power they have over women they think they are better but really they no clue, if it wasn't for the woman with her knowledge the business would have crumbled long ago. I really hate to be critical with that but they are like cave men, and I had to associate with them because I was taught that way. Young boys are taught to not cry, brush it off stand straight and move on. Don't be a sissy be a man and so be it that is what is drilled into your head. Put down that doll, no you can not hang out with the girls you will be labeled a sissy. Trucks, cars and skinning the knee, no tears your a man now. I hated that club so much, I didn't care I was a sissy so what but I could kick your ass if you provoked me enough. I have been in a whole 3 fights, only because someone wanted to test my abilities I guess.

Yes men have a club of their own and you have to be male to be in it, I will be loosing that membership one day oh well too bad but it never changes so I could tell you about it.

The club I have always wanted to be in has been in front of my face since I was born, I am different, I am all girl which I never had a chance to smile when I received flowers or giggle like the girl I am. This is a wonderful womanhood that I missed because I was being trained to be a boy, when I should have been wearing dresses and cute socks, puppy dogs and kitties oh so cute shopping for whatever sale is going on come on lets go. I can not say he is cute because I am not that way but you sure look hot in that you bitch I wanted to wear that. Being a woman can not be compared to anything out there, it is quite special and my hormones tell that every minute of everyday. Is my nail polish right and wait no it is the wrong color for this outfit, off it comes and the right finish needs to be on and oh look at that bathing suit no way wrong color it will make me look fat wait can I have that bag instead. Damn look at all those shoes, yes I am a shoe slut I can not help it so much variety and my god I don't have enough room well get rid of that spare bedroom I need the space. No heels darn they kill my calves, those wedges are beautiful and look what they do to my butt, I got to get one of each color and style wait does that have a belt to go with that oh I need a new purse darn It need that scarf too. Oh and the clothes please don't even get me started, the accessories I need that spare bedroom made into a walk in closet, I am so happy wait is that a split end oh my and where did that pimple come from. The plucking of hair to be so perfectly beautiful just for myself not because I have to impress anyone wait is that a gray hair time to color it no more gray please. Get my attention with perfume on display, the clothes I can shop for hours and hours does this make my ass look big oh how does this fit crap I need to loose more weight darn I wanted that too.

I am so emotional lately and also being unemployed sure doesn't help because it gives me time to myself too much which I really start to see the imperfections about myself. I once bought a pair of seven inch heels, what was I thinking back then, I tried oh did I ever try to walk in them and my tendons from my calves were screaming to get my feet out of those torture chambers. They sit on my shelf staring at me now, had to be a man that made that style because no woman is crazy enough to wear them. The weight I have on my body oh darn brownie I knew better but oh so delicious couldn't help myself and now I am paying for it pushups and crunches, running so many miles sweating oh how nasty sweat everywhere gawd I don't need this now, I want that skirt to fit right please no more weight.

Can't be wasting time on being a man anymore, I want to be the woman I am, the bond we have us girls and knowing what we are having in the emotional need gawd I missed that so much I guess I was always the girl and never knew it but I loved having that in me. Time to find a job and get back to saving money, I want my body to be perfect well almost because it will never be perfect, I sure can not wait to see myself in that wedding dress just one time.

So now you have it, the difference between genders. I love being a woman more than a man for the simple reason I am proud of who I am, I am stronger than the male species though they thought I was trained to be something I am not. It is a welcoming feeling when I am in the shower shaving the sparse peach fuzz on my legs and splashing bath oil on my body because I want to be soft and pretty. I have been doing this since I was a boy, and I do cry when I scrap my knee so what that doesn't make me a sissy, I am just a girl.

[Comment on this post]

Just a girl

July 25th, 2008 4:45 pm MDT

My emotional side is catching up with me when someone makes comments and I hurl into a series of crying fits, jeez what is that all about? Looking at my future as a woman and I am so excited, maybe you don't know I have lived in both genders and I know how both have the club advantages.

Males are truly pigs I am sorry for saying that, no I am not, that gender is a class in itself. The scratching and tugging, moving their packages to re-adjust oh my god wash your ass once in awhile or wear baggier clothes to get air in there. The high five slaps when their team makes the score, come on life can be much more exciting if you participate in the real sport. Did you happen to look at your fashion guys, brown and black shoes what total 20 different pair of the same thing then the athletic shoes give me a break. Put some variety in there won't you, heck no, that would mean you would have to use some of that brain muscle and that would strain something. Then the clothes, T-shirts, dress shirts, ties and pants and the same ole style of suits god where is the different flavors? Accessories where? What a cap or a watch, once in awhile a gold chain around a neck submerged in that hairy (yuck) mess. Standing around talking about how lucky we are getting laid or making the other fellow feeling bad that he didn't get any because he didn't do it like this or that and the high five again. Men have a special bonding club, it is so unique none other is like it. The power they have over women they think they are better but really they no clue, if it wasn't for the woman with her knowledge the business would have crumbled long ago. I really hate to be critical with that but they are like cave men, and I had to associate with them because I was taught that way. Young boys are taught to not cry, brush it off stand straight and move on. Don't be a sissy be a man and so be it that is what is drilled into your head. Put down that doll, no you can not hang out with the girls you will be labeled a sissy. Trucks, cars and skinning the knee, no tears your a man now. I hated that club so much, I didn't care I was a sissy so what but I could kick your ass if you provoked me enough. I have been in a whole 3 fights, only because someone wanted to test my abilities I guess.

Yes men have a club of their own and you have to be male to be in it, I will be loosing that membership one day oh well too bad but it never changes so I could tell you about it.

The club I have always wanted to be in has been in front of my face since I was born, I am different, I am all girl which I never had a chance to smile when I received flowers or giggle like the girl I am. This is a wonderful womanhood that I missed because I was being trained to be a boy, when I should have been wearing dresses and cute socks, puppy dogs and kitties oh so cute shopping for whatever sale is going on come on lets go. I can not say he is cute because I am not that way but you sure look hot in that you bitch I wanted to wear that. Being a woman can not be compared to anything out there, it is quite special and my hormones tell that every minute of everyday. Is my nail polish right and wait no it is the wrong color for this outfit, off it comes and the right finish needs to be on and oh look at that bathing suit no way wrong color it will make me look fat wait can I have that bag instead. Damn look at all those shoes, yes I am a shoe slut I can not help it so much variety and my god I don't have enough room well get rid of that spare bedroom I need the space. No heels darn they kill my calves, those wedges are beautiful and look what they do to my butt, I got to get one of each color and style wait does that have a belt to go with that oh I need a new purse darn It need that scarf too. Oh and the clothes please don't even get me started, the accessories I need that spare bedroom made into a walk in closet, I am so happy wait is that a split end oh my and where did that pimple come from. The plucking of hair to be so perfectly beautiful just for myself not because I have to impress anyone wait is that a gray hair time to color it no more gray please. Get my attention with perfume on display, the clothes I can shop for hours and hours does this make my ass look big oh how does this fit crap I need to loose more weight darn I wanted that too.

I am so emotional lately and also being unemployed sure doesn't help because it gives me time to myself too much which I really start to see the imperfections about myself. I once bought a pair of seven inch heels, what was I thinking back then, I tried oh did I ever try to walk in them and my tendons from my calves were screaming to get my feet out of those torture chambers. They sit on my shelf staring at me now, had to be a man that made that style because no woman is crazy enough to wear them. The weight I have on my body oh darn brownie I knew better but oh so delicious couldn't help myself and now I am paying for it pushups and crunches, running so many miles sweating oh how nasty sweat everywhere gawd I don't need this now, I want that skirt to fit right please no more weight.

Can't be wasting time on being a man anymore, I want to be the woman I am, the bond we have us girls and knowing what we are having in the emotional need gawd I missed that so much I guess I was always the girl and never knew it but I loved having that in me. Time to find a job and get back to saving money, I want my body to be perfect well almost because it will never be perfect, I sure can not wait to see myself in that wedding dress just one time.

So now you have it, the difference between genders. I love being a woman more than a man for the simple reason I am proud of who I am, I am stronger than the male species though they thought I was trained to be something I am not. It is a welcoming feeling when I am in the shower shaving the sparse peach fuzz on my legs and splashing bath oil on my body because I want to be soft and pretty. I have been doing this since I was a boy, and I do cry when I scrap my knee so what that doesn't make me a sissy, I am just a girl.

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Why we are the way we are

June 26th, 2008 9:28 am MDT

I was watching a show on BBC tonight regarding a beautiful young girl whom was opposite of myself, she wanted to be a man and she was prepared to become him at no thought or no costs to which he could find happiness.
Now why do we do that? It is something that is wrong something terribly programmed in our minds that we are in the wrong body.
I can honestly say I am not in the wrong body, I share a body which is both male and female which I have learned to live in. I didn't like it, I have always said God did me wrong for creating me but I have learned to accept it.
I do not wish for people to feel sorry for me, why? It is my problem, and since I was eleven years old, as my world crashed around me, I learned it was me to guide myself in the right direction. I kept quiet and stayed hidden which is why I am here now.

That young lady on BBC, had her breasts removed with complications, 3 surgeries and still have one breast that is now bigger. But she is fighting for her manly chest and now is talking (SRS) Sex Reassignment Surgery, which they remove a portion of her forearm in order to build a penis. Now you tell me, if someone is willing to go through this much pain and misery then you will have to believe there is something wrong in the mind that wants to correct what isn't right.

I hear this all the time, I read about it in other writings, diaries, journals, blogs of men who have the same problem. It is scary since each of these people have full lives, they have everything and when they fulfill their desires everything is gone, vanished but their dreams are complete.

Suicide plays a key to transition, I like many others have tried to stop our problem from surfacing by suicide. Taking pills to help me sleep to die quietly was my answer, but, I failed because I didn't want to hurt the people around me. Strange how my mind works, I will suffer to make others happy. So I called an ambulance and let them know which pills I swallowed so I can live our wonderful life together. Shauna wanted to live that day, I wanted to bow out, and easy way out. You can thank Shauna for my being here today.
You see each and everyone has dealt with this issue and society just thinks we are perverts. Why? I still love women, whether I have breasts or not, I will always be with a woman. And many others will be with women, some may not but many others will. The same goes for female to male, they go to female because they are male.

Being a transgender isn't the clothes, the makeup or god knows why the sex. It is the human who has a gender dysphoria, it is a medical explanation (discontent with the biological sex they were born with). Many transgender people do not regard their cross-gender feelings and behaviors as a disorder.
I do realize that not everyone will be able to understand what is written here tonight, you can research what I have wrote, or even ask me for an explanation and I will try to explain so even you may understand.

Yes were are different than the gay, lesbian and bisexuals. A majority of the transgender are heterosexuals, but our problem isn't sex it is gender.
So as I close this tonight, I just would like to say that I thank everyone for supporting Shauna and I with our 'disorder' and I hope that she has a wonderful life ahead of her.

SB

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Why we are the way we are

June 26th, 2008 9:27 am MDT

I was watching a show on BBC tonight regarding a beautiful young girl whom was opposite of myself, she wanted to be a man and she was prepared to become him at no thought or no costs to which he could find happiness.
Now why do we do that? It is something that is wrong something terribly programmed in our minds that we are in the wrong body.
I can honestly say I am not in the wrong body, I share a body which is both male and female which I have learned to live in. I didn't like it, I have always said God did me wrong for creating me but I have learned to accept it.
I do not wish for people to feel sorry for me, why? It is my problem, and since I was eleven years old, as my world crashed around me, I learned it was me to guide myself in the right direction. I kept quiet and stayed hidden which is why I am here now.

That young lady on BBC, had her breasts removed with complications, 3 surgeries and still have one breast that is now bigger. But she is fighting for her manly chest and now is talking (SRS) Sex Reassignment Surgery, which they remove a portion of her forearm in order to build a penis. Now you tell me, if someone is willing to go through this much pain and misery then you will have to believe there is something wrong in the mind that wants to correct what isn't right.

I hear this all the time, I read about it in other writings, diaries, journals, blogs of men who have the same problem. It is scary since each of these people have full lives, they have everything and when they fulfill their desires everything is gone, vanished but their dreams are complete.

Suicide plays a key to transition, I like many others have tried to stop our problem from surfacing by suicide. Taking pills to help me sleep to die quietly was my answer, but, I failed because I didn't want to hurt the people around me. Strange how my mind works, I will suffer to make others happy. So I called an ambulance and let them know which pills I swallowed so I can live our wonderful life together. Shauna wanted to live that day, I wanted to bow out, and easy way out. You can thank Shauna for my being here today.
You see each and everyone has dealt with this issue and society just thinks we are perverts. Why? I still love women, whether I have breasts or not, I will always be with a woman. And many others will be with women, some may not but many others will. The same goes for female to male, they go to female because they are male.

Being a transgender isn't the clothes, the makeup or god knows why the sex. It is the human who has a gender dysphoria, it is a medical explanation (discontent with the biological sex they were born with). Many transgender people do not regard their cross-gender feelings and behaviors as a disorder.
I do realize that not everyone will be able to understand what is written here tonight, you can research what I have wrote, or even ask me for an explanation and I will try to explain so even you may understand.

Yes were are different than the gay, lesbian and bisexuals. A majority of the transgender are heterosexuals, but our problem isn't sex it is gender.
So as I close this tonight, I just would like to say that I thank everyone for supporting Shauna and I with our 'disorder' and I hope that she has a wonderful life ahead of her.

SB

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Luckiest Man Alive

May 13th, 2008 10:59 am MDT

I could go on and on about this wonderful woman in my life, but there isn't enough page to do it. She is totally the opposite of me, she is sweet, caring, very polite and full of life. She has always been there too, look in the mirror and she smiles at me which I smile back. No one has brought me more happiness than my Shauna, god I do love that girl.
She'll be here soon and I will be in the background like she is now.You see Shauna is my other soul, there is two of us in one body. I promised her long ago she could come home soon, and she is trying out her shoes, testing the waters which makes me that much more happier. Everyone knows now, and is supportive to her. The outcome was so overwhelming; I sunk lower so she could shine more brightly.
Looking into that mirror all these years have given her and me a special place to share a love that can't be explained, our happy place, and a wonderful peace only shared between us.
I love watching her, she spends so much time preparing before getting ready, something about being organized. The moisturizer before the makeup, what is that all about? She knows things I would have never known, the powders, the color blending she is all woman. Her dressing is amazing, she turns herself into a woman of beauty in minutes, it is all slow motion to me but I really love watching her. Everything is perfect so perfect down to the shoes.

Then she turns and looks into the mirror, she has stepped through and I am on the other side. Look at that wonderful smile, her eyes so bright with excitement, nothing can compare with her believe me.

I guess the makeovers helped, all the practicing with makeup, and reading on the web, watching other women do what comes natural.
I am not perfect by any means but Shauna is to me, listen to her giggle and all that excitement in her eyes, she loves all who she meets and I am a lucky guy to be a part of her.
Full of class, what a person to have graced my life and now she will take over my body as she is supposed to as promised. My mother would be proud of her daughter, she has learned so much and now I can rest and watch over her. I have completed my journey, I did the things that I was expected to do and enjoyed every moment along the way.
She is a shopper too, oh my can she shop. I had to move my clothes to another closet, I had to remove my shoes so she could have more room for hers. I have never seen so much beautiful colors in one place but she did it with the help of her friends. You see she has her way, and she has made many wonderful friends already.

There is no place I'd rather be right now, Shauna is getting ready, making herself into that beautiful woman I know so well, getting ready to step out again.

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Someday I'll understand

April 5th, 2008 1:35 pm MDT

Please before reading this it is not intended for you to feel sorry for me, it is just something that happened and I learned to move on.

I had just had taken the evening off, you see I was in the Navy and I finally recieved shore time off. My ship was refueling and repairing small things before we were to report back to sea.

I went to wash clothes at a laundry mat because it was quiet, the temp outside for October was 80 degrees and it was beautiful to be away from everyone for a change.
Imagine serving on a ship with 5400 other guys day in and day out, the break was needed.

You see I kept to myself because of my gender issues, always in my mind but kept a secret. I was straight young and single, so I dated when we were in port long enough.

So here I was washing clothes when another guy shows up to wash clothes, he was from another ship but was familar, actually he was there picking up his laundry.
His name was Larry, I remember it like it was yesterday and at the time it was October 1987, I was 24 years old.

Larry and I began chatting about the navy, where we were from, where we have been and he said he was finishing up his laundry which he said you want to party, of course I did, heck I just returned from being at sea for 6 months.

So we waited for my clothes to dry and off we went, I followed with my car to his house and there was a party in full swing.

Cool I thought, girls and guys were everywhere. Larry was the perfect host, bringing me beers when I was through with the one I had.

Now I had been drinking beer(magic word here)some how or sometime my beer had been spiked with something because I woke up to find myself being raped by three guys. I was so out of it that I couldn’t defend myself and passed out again.

I woke up to find myself on the ground near my clothes and my car, all bloody and bruised, with semen all over me. I just cried till I had the strength to get dressed and drive back to the ship, my chest was scratched and bruised, I had a fat lip and cuts on my face and around my small breasts bruises that no one ever seen. My bottom was torn and bloody, I realized I had been raped by three guys.

What was I going to do?  I first showered, for like ever trying to wash off the posion that was in me as well as the dirt that I couldn’t get off, I sat and cried in the shower.

For many hours I sat and tried to think what had happen, why had this been done to me? What I could have done to bring this on myself.

I never reported it, how could I tell the Navy I was raped, how could this happen to me?  My parents don’t know, I couldn’t share that with anyone, I’d sit near the ocean and cry because I never intended to become a rape victim that night. I never knew the humilation I had experienced that evening, how would I explain to someone I was raped as a young lady.

I had myself tested for everything, it was a precaution and I wanted to know if ...

I never washed clothes again off base, I always had someone with me till the day I left the Navy. I was afraid of it happening again, because I went back by that house to see where it happen. Larry no longer lived there, his ship was back out to sea. And he took my virginity with him.

I never told anyone till many years later, and there were only four people close enough to know that terrible evening, when I became a rape victim.

It has been nearly 22 years since that terrible day, I have learned so much from that experience but I am over the hate because it is something I can not dwell over. Those men knew what they were doing but didn’t know it would hurt me more emotionally for years.
I am stronger now in mind and body, and know I will not go somewhere by myself even now as a woman.

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Untitled Post

March 27th, 2008 10:28 pm MDT

I am thinking again, why things are the way they are, why I must endure the pain of living unhappy all these years? I guess it made me the person I am today, I am a good person don’t get me wrong, I would give my shirt to the person that needs it more than I do. I love helping people because it makes me feel wonderful and even though I don’t get paid for it in cash I get smiles and laughter which makes me the richest person in the world.

It has taken me 46 long painful years to come out as Shauna, I am sure that is what my mother would have named me if she could have.

Any how I was sitting here thinking what Billy Joel wrote in his words about “she has a way” and I started crying, why? Because my girl self has a way of making me feeling better than anyone I know of.
I do some really goofy things daily to bring my spirits up, take photos of people and put their faces into objects all for fun and laughter. Make jokes when the time is right to make people feel good and keep my mind from wandering. I had also had given my department crayons to color pictures I had downloaded from the internet to see who was the best at coloring. Crazy my life has been but there is ways to forget all my endless worries. I get so jealous of women complaining of their hair or clothes, hearing their issues and sadly I wouldn’t be able to share that with them like I would like to.

I get some of the PMS the ladies do too, yes the spotting and bloating as well as the cramps because I have one ovary but I don’t think I could get pregnant and how would that look ha, ha, ha. Oh the headaches and backaches that follow I could do without, and with that problem I have NO sperm count.
Married for ten years and no children, we tried and I failed but I tried, I wanted children so bad and I think I deserved them but I never had one. Having what I was born with is like having Christmas lights on the tree and not having power to light them up.

When did I know I was different, I was 11 and I started having issues with my nipples, they were always tender and there was no reason because I wasn’t hit there. I began spotting too which I thought I had cut myself playing with my brothers. My brothers were younger by 2 years and had developed facial hair at 16 which I didn’t even have hair on my arms let alone of my face. I just thought maybe it would come later and it never did, I even drew a mustache on my face only to be laughed at. To make matters worse I was pulled from gym class because I couldn’t take showers with the other boys, how could I explain my secret to them. I would have been labeled and tormented so I became a mean towards boys and envious to girls. Not only did I want to date them I wanted to be them, I wanted to be able to wear their dresses and look so pretty. That really was a bad time in my life, I had a lot of girl friends though, I don’t think I was ever without a girl friend ever. I secretly wore their underpants, though later on I was caught by my step mother in her lingerie. But it didn’t stop me from wearing the underwear, I still to this very day wear lingerie.

I don’t hate my life, I have seen the world, been across the equator 8 times, written and published poetry, been married, broke my spine and walked again, I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, a loving family, I love my work of building and repairing networks and my truck which I will never give up. I have done things people would have loved to have done. But I wish I could have had children, just one child and have a loving family of my own all as being a woman and not a man. I give my ex a lot of credit for loving her enfemme husband even though I tried to be male 100% of the time I was just wasn’t equipped for the position.
Someday I will finish writing my book on my life as Shawn/Shauna and show the world it is possible to live with two spirits and make it work.

Coming out will be the toughest thing to do with my family, not so much as my friends, people understand when it is explained to them how it was for me growing up and seeing me now happier, but the number one question I will be asked is why now?
Because I am not happy who I am, let me be myself and if I fail then I fail but let me be me.
I never ask anyone for anything, I always give never take so this is what I want just let me become a woman and if you don’t like it I am sorry, turn your cheek and let me live free.
Don’t judge me for what my cover appears before you, I am the same person as I always have been just happier now.

Isn’t it sad, I write these blogs for relief so I won’t have to sit here in misery by myself, it is sad I have become a silly person with no happiness because I failed to look at life as my father had. I have failed to become the man he so wanted, to have grandchildren for him, I failed to become the mentor for my brothers, and I failed because I never wanted to become the man he thought I should be. If I were 30 years younger and in my teens I would take that proper path and complete my transition as I was supposed to have done and not worry what other people would have thought. Dad you should be happy now, your oldest son is now your oldest daughter and she has made a life for herself without the help of you or anyone else, I did it on my own.

I want to be free from all worries and unhappiness in my soul, watch the world as Shauna becomes a proper lady and you will see many miracles with that as well. I am going to volunteer to help younger gender teens and speak out to others the path it has taken me to become my true self. This is how I will pay back my life long journey to womanhood. I want to be able to stand in the cemetery one day and say look Mom I made it, not a caterpillar anymore I have become that butterfly we spoke of, I have became a woman finally!!

You can laugh at me,  throw things towards me, say as you wish to hurt me but I am finally free……….Shauna

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My unwelcome thoughts

March 27th, 2008 10:27 pm MDT

I am thinking again, why things are the way they are, why I must endure the pain of living unhappy all these years? I guess it made me the person I am today, I am a good person don’t get me wrong, I would give my shirt to the person that needs it more than I do. I love helping people because it makes me feel wonderful and even though I don’t get paid for it in cash I get smiles and laughter which makes me the richest person in the world.

It has taken me 46 long painful years to come out as Shauna, I am sure that is what my mother would have named me if she could have.

Any how I was sitting here thinking what Billy Joel wrote in his words about “she has a way” and I started crying, why? Because my girl self has a way of making me feeling better than anyone I know of.
I do some really goofy things daily to bring my spirits up, take photos of people and put their faces into objects all for fun and laughter. Make jokes when the time is right to make people feel good and keep my mind from wandering. I had also had given my department crayons to color pictures I had downloaded from the internet to see who was the best at coloring. Crazy my life has been but there is ways to forget all my endless worries. I get so jealous of women complaining of their hair or clothes, hearing their issues and sadly I wouldn’t be able to share that with them like I would like to.

I get some of the PMS the ladies do too, yes the spotting and bloating as well as the cramps because I have one ovary but I don’t think I could get pregnant and how would that look ha, ha, ha. Oh the headaches and backaches that follow I could do without, and with that problem I have NO sperm count.
Married for ten years and no children, we tried and I failed but I tried, I wanted children so bad and I think I deserved them but I never had one. Having what I was born with is like having Christmas lights on the tree and not having power to light them up.

When did I know I was different, I was 11 and I started having issues with my nipples, they were always tender and there was no reason because I wasn’t hit there. I began spotting too which I thought I had cut myself playing with my brothers. My brothers were younger by 2 years and had developed facial hair at 16 which I didn’t even have hair on my arms let alone of my face. I just thought maybe it would come later and it never did, I even drew a mustache on my face only to be laughed at. To make matters worse I was pulled from gym class because I couldn’t take showers with the other boys, how could I explain my secret to them. I would have been labeled and tormented so I became a mean towards boys and envious to girls. Not only did I want to date them I wanted to be them, I wanted to be able to wear their dresses and look so pretty. That really was a bad time in my life, I had a lot of girl friends though, I don’t think I was ever without a girl friend ever. I secretly wore their underpants, though later on I was caught by my step mother in her lingerie. But it didn’t stop me from wearing the underwear, I still to this very day wear lingerie.

I don’t hate my life, I have seen the world, been across the equator 8 times, written and published poetry, been married, broke my spine and walked again, I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, a loving family, I love my work of building and repairing networks and my truck which I will never give up. I have done things people would have loved to have done. But I wish I could have had children, just one child and have a loving family of my own all as being a woman and not a man. I give my ex a lot of credit for loving her enfemme husband even though I tried to be male 100% of the time I was just wasn’t equipped for the position.
Someday I will finish writing my book on my life as Shawn/Shauna and show the world it is possible to live with two spirits and make it work.

Coming out will be the toughest thing to do with my family, not so much as my friends, people understand when it is explained to them how it was for me growing up and seeing me now happier, but the number one question I will be asked is why now?
Because I am not happy who I am, let me be myself and if I fail then I fail but let me be me.
I never ask anyone for anything, I always give never take so this is what I want just let me become a woman and if you don’t like it I am sorry, turn your cheek and let me live free.
Don’t judge me for what my cover appears before you, I am the same person as I always have been just happier now.

Isn’t it sad, I write these blogs for relief so I won’t have to sit here in misery by myself, it is sad I have become a silly person with no happiness because I failed to look at life as my father had. I have failed to become the man he so wanted, to have grandchildren for him, I failed to become the mentor for my brothers, and I failed because I never wanted to become the man he thought I should be. If I were 30 years younger and in my teens I would take that proper path and complete my transition as I was supposed to have done and not worry what other people would have thought. Dad you should be happy now, your oldest son is now your oldest daughter and she has made a life for herself without the help of you or anyone else, I did it on my own.

I want to be free from all worries and unhappiness in my soul, watch the world as Shauna becomes a proper lady and you will see many miracles with that as well. I am going to volunteer to help younger gender teens and speak out to others the path it has taken me to become my true self. This is how I will pay back my life long journey to womanhood. I want to be able to stand in the cemetery one day and say look Mom I made it, not a caterpillar anymore I have become that butterfly we spoke of, I have became a woman finally!!

You can laugh at me,  throw things towards me, say as you wish to hurt me but I am finally free……….Shauna

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