URNotAlone

My unwelcome thoughts

March 27th, 2008 10:27 pm MDT

I am thinking again, why things are the way they are, why I must endure the pain of living unhappy all these years? I guess it made me the person I am today, I am a good person don’t get me wrong, I would give my shirt to the person that needs it more than I do. I love helping people because it makes me feel wonderful and even though I don’t get paid for it in cash I get smiles and laughter which makes me the richest person in the world.

It has taken me 46 long painful years to come out as Shauna, I am sure that is what my mother would have named me if she could have.

Any how I was sitting here thinking what Billy Joel wrote in his words about “she has a way” and I started crying, why? Because my girl self has a way of making me feeling better than anyone I know of.
I do some really goofy things daily to bring my spirits up, take photos of people and put their faces into objects all for fun and laughter. Make jokes when the time is right to make people feel good and keep my mind from wandering. I had also had given my department crayons to color pictures I had downloaded from the internet to see who was the best at coloring. Crazy my life has been but there is ways to forget all my endless worries. I get so jealous of women complaining of their hair or clothes, hearing their issues and sadly I wouldn’t be able to share that with them like I would like to.

I get some of the PMS the ladies do too, yes the spotting and bloating as well as the cramps because I have one ovary but I don’t think I could get pregnant and how would that look ha, ha, ha. Oh the headaches and backaches that follow I could do without, and with that problem I have NO sperm count.
Married for ten years and no children, we tried and I failed but I tried, I wanted children so bad and I think I deserved them but I never had one. Having what I was born with is like having Christmas lights on the tree and not having power to light them up.

When did I know I was different, I was 11 and I started having issues with my nipples, they were always tender and there was no reason because I wasn’t hit there. I began spotting too which I thought I had cut myself playing with my brothers. My brothers were younger by 2 years and had developed facial hair at 16 which I didn’t even have hair on my arms let alone of my face. I just thought maybe it would come later and it never did, I even drew a mustache on my face only to be laughed at. To make matters worse I was pulled from gym class because I couldn’t take showers with the other boys, how could I explain my secret to them. I would have been labeled and tormented so I became a mean towards boys and envious to girls. Not only did I want to date them I wanted to be them, I wanted to be able to wear their dresses and look so pretty. That really was a bad time in my life, I had a lot of girl friends though, I don’t think I was ever without a girl friend ever. I secretly wore their underpants, though later on I was caught by my step mother in her lingerie. But it didn’t stop me from wearing the underwear, I still to this very day wear lingerie.

I don’t hate my life, I have seen the world, been across the equator 8 times, written and published poetry, been married, broke my spine and walked again, I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, a loving family, I love my work of building and repairing networks and my truck which I will never give up. I have done things people would have loved to have done. But I wish I could have had children, just one child and have a loving family of my own all as being a woman and not a man. I give my ex a lot of credit for loving her enfemme husband even though I tried to be male 100% of the time I was just wasn’t equipped for the position.
Someday I will finish writing my book on my life as Shawn/Shauna and show the world it is possible to live with two spirits and make it work.

Coming out will be the toughest thing to do with my family, not so much as my friends, people understand when it is explained to them how it was for me growing up and seeing me now happier, but the number one question I will be asked is why now?
Because I am not happy who I am, let me be myself and if I fail then I fail but let me be me.
I never ask anyone for anything, I always give never take so this is what I want just let me become a woman and if you don’t like it I am sorry, turn your cheek and let me live free.
Don’t judge me for what my cover appears before you, I am the same person as I always have been just happier now.

Isn’t it sad, I write these blogs for relief so I won’t have to sit here in misery by myself, it is sad I have become a silly person with no happiness because I failed to look at life as my father had. I have failed to become the man he so wanted, to have grandchildren for him, I failed to become the mentor for my brothers, and I failed because I never wanted to become the man he thought I should be. If I were 30 years younger and in my teens I would take that proper path and complete my transition as I was supposed to have done and not worry what other people would have thought. Dad you should be happy now, your oldest son is now your oldest daughter and she has made a life for herself without the help of you or anyone else, I did it on my own.

I want to be free from all worries and unhappiness in my soul, watch the world as Shauna becomes a proper lady and you will see many miracles with that as well. I am going to volunteer to help younger gender teens and speak out to others the path it has taken me to become my true self. This is how I will pay back my life long journey to womanhood. I want to be able to stand in the cemetery one day and say look Mom I made it, not a caterpillar anymore I have become that butterfly we spoke of, I have became a woman finally!!

You can laugh at me,  throw things towards me, say as you wish to hurt me but I am finally free……….Shauna