URNotAlone

Happy of who I am

August 5th, 2008 12:16 pm MDT

I
can't believe I'll turn 47 this month. I'm amazed I've lived this long
and survived my life as a Intersex person of sorts. It has never been
an easy journey; in fact, it's been very difficult, being different and
trying to fit in, not only in the two-sex/two-gender binary system at
large. Most people when they see me read me as a "average type guy,"
but that wasn't always the case and in some ways still isn't. I'm still
seeking a welcoming community where I feel comfortable and accepted for
who I am.

 

One's
sex is different from one's gender identity. Both are different from
one's sexual orientation. The religious right likes to melt us all into
one, as if we were all the same species. People come in all colors,
styles, sexed anatomies, expressions and sexual experience. We need to
celebrate the diversity that we bring to our irreplaceable and special
world.

 

We
are diverse men! But what do we mean by "men" and, in particular, what
do we mean by "male" or "man"? We know the stereotypical
characteristics that all males/men are supposed to possess:
hyper-masculinization appearance, an adequate phallus/penis size
(hopefully something over 3 inches when erect), and being able to stand
to pee. But what else should we possess in the sexual anatomy
department? Well, I guess we're supposed to have two testicles in a
scrotum that produces sperm and testosterone (and some estrogen so we
act nice occasionally). And we need sex chromosomes, which are XY for
the standard-looking male.

 

Can
a male/man have any other sexual anatomy than what we presume to be
standard or normal? There are many boys born with micro-penis, and in
the past century many were reassigned female and given vaginoplasties.
Yikes!

Doctors
seem to think a man needs an adequate penis only for vaginal sex. Some
people are born with ova-testis and others with blind vaginas. People
come in all sorts of sex chromosome variations too: XXY, XXX, XYY,
XXYY, XXXY, XO, XY females (known as androgen insensitivity syndrome)
and XX men, XY/XXY and all sorts of other mosaic patterns.

 

Can
any of these persons be considered males/men? It depends on how they
identify, if they are not aborted first. Although most people on the
planet come in the two standard-sexed bodies, many of us do not.
Depending on how "intersex" is defined, variations exist in anywhere
from 1 in 150 to 1 in 2000 births. Doctors still perform infant genital
surgeries (and hormonal interventions) five times a day in the USA.
I guess they feel pressured by our binary-addicted culture. How can a
doctor decide what is best for a child's future sex life? What if that
child were destined to grow up into a gay man?

 

When
I was 11 and puberty came, I knew I was different from other boys. I
still hadn't developed like others, and I was often teased for having
small testicles, and I had gynecomastia (breast growth in a male). My
energy was very low and I was a shy, awkward, emotional, self-conscious
and sensitive "feminine" kid. My parents were concerned about my lack
of development. They were told by the family doctor I would grow up to
be "normal" and be able to have children.

 

I
experimented sexually a lot starting in high school and struggled with
my sense of gender and sexuality all through my Navy years. In my
teens, I enjoyed dressing up and discovered a whole new world that was
exciting and creative. I came to hate traditional gender roles with a
vengeance! And I wasn't sure what world I really belonged to. I knew I
was different, and I wanted to fit in somewhere.

 

When
I was 30, I went to an infertility clinic because my wife and I wanted
to find out if my body produced any sperm, since I had my doubts.
Although I treasured my difference, I wondered why I had small breasts,
big nipples and a smooth feminine-looking physique, never having
developed a musculature like other guys my age. After several tests, I
was informed that I had XXY sex chromosomes, 10 percent of the standard
testosterone production levels for an XY male and no sperm. I was
offered testosterone and testicular implants but refused. I've since
learned that this anatomical variation happens 1 in 17,000 births, it is called Klinefelter's Syndrome, and exist within various creatures in the animal kingdom.

 

I was OK with the body I was born with but my obstetrics/gynecologist apparently
was not. She prescribed synthetic estrogen to be taken every day for
the rest of my life. She is very helpful and continues to watch over
me, I am going through puberty again in my 40s. My once hairless body
was now producing hair (much to my disgust) while I started little
sparse of hair on my once bald face. I too am rounding in my hips and
waistline also places where I would not have expected. I became quite
soft and trim.

 

 

I
had always felt caught between the sexes without knowing why.
Emotionally and spiritually, I have always felt more feminine. During
the first few months of estrogen replacement therapy, I felt that my
male persona was dying. It was a time of overwhelming confusion, yet
also a time of discovery. My sexual orientation hadn't changed; I am
still attracted to women.

I
didn't understand why I had been chosen to have this experience, and I
often wondered whether I should have stayed who I was. I knew that
being "caught between" would be my life challenge and that would be OK
since I felt whole with all my unique parts. I have since gotten back
in touch with my female side, and I have realized that I never
completely lost her.

 

For
many years I was filled with shame and a sense of freakishness, and was
told by my mother to keep my secret. I didn't learn until 1977 that
what I had was an intersex condition, that who I was originally was OK,
and that I never had to take any hormones to change the way I looked. I
like the term "intersex" because I prefer more choices than male or
female. I think there is a continuum from male to female, like shades
of grey between black and white. If only I had always known it was OK
to be different and that I didn't really need to fit into our binary
system, I think I would have been a much happier person. I might have
avoided some of the pain that I've had to endure to fit in. It's been
hard to feel like I belong to a community, any community.

 

When
others look at me, they probably see a fairly handsome feminine man. In
many ways, I look and acted like a typical man. I guess most people see
me like that and don't think anymore about it. But I know that the
truth is much more complicated. If you see a guy who looks "feminine,"
just remember you can't judge a book by its cover. And not all of us
were created to populate the planet into extinction.

 

I
am fortunate to have many wonderful friends who have helped me with my
transition and have continued to love me just the way I am.

 

I
want to be a part of a healthy and caring LGBTI community where
"difference" is seen as an attribute, not a detriment. We are all
diverse. We belong to many different communities. We are not all the
same.

Many
even in our community feel pressured by our binary-addicted culture.
And many of us feel like we don't fit in. I decided that telling the
truth of my story and educating others about who I am is the only way
to go. I think as people we are always trying to figure out what it
means to belong. And many of us are looking for a community to belong
to. My journey is my way of knowing this is who I am and I am happy
with it.