Journal Entries for Jennifer
Time to Update
August 18th, 2009 7:55 am MDT
Its been a very long time since I have wanted to log in to this site and I guess I should post some kind of update. Sorry to those who know me, with all the BS at home I have just not felt up to being here. Now I am trying to just get back on my feet and live for myself.
Some things are better in the past 2yrs some things are just the same if not worse. Part of the root of the issues were that my husband has ptsd from his military service. We have started to see a counselor but were told its a long process that can take 1-2years to even see improvement at home. Also this is NOT a counselor we can be totally honest about "all" the issues. Anyway, in the last year he has refused to dress around me, I have even resorted to begging which I dont do anymore. I got tired of begging for attn from my own spouse, got tired of begging him to dress. I have even told him hes throwing away a great thing, that he has no clue how lucky he is to have me supporting him. His internet pay sites are a thing of the past, but he still goes and looks up stuff online thats free that I dont agree with. Not that I have a problem with him doing that its just that hes doing that INSTEAD of spending ANY time with me. e just doesnt seem to care anymore. Any chance he gets it seems hes off to the internet and ignoring me. We have not done anything together in months and months. I have even tried buying him new clothes and that doesnt work. I have tried everything that I can do, even offered him a civil divorce if he wants out. But, he keeps promising me that he still loves me and wants only me, but his actions show otherwise. All he seems to do is work, sleep and spend time online if hes home. He has not touched me in 7 months, hes always "tired". I told him if he doesnt want to give me attn ill find someone who will and he was all for that, but what he doesnt get is I married him and just want that attn from HIM!!! I will give him some credit though, he has gone every week for 3 months now to counseling and in the past 2 weeks there is minor improvements at home but not much. Until I see improvements for more than a short time period I cant honestly believe that he means it. I do still support his dressing. I honestly wish he would dress for me, I prefer my "gf" anyday, although only if im treated right because I believe i deserve much better. I deserve attention and appreciation!
Well its time to get me back on track and stop letting him drag me behind. I made a major life change in June. I finally went thru with the Gastric Bypass Surgery. To date I have lost 48 lbs and already starting to feel better about myself. I have taken up quilting to pass my time and have started looking for new friends.
Taken for Granted & Heartbroken
August 12th, 2007 12:07 pm MDT
I truly do not understand why with all the support & acceptance I have given my spouse and tried to support and encourage and in return all I have gotten lately is grief, lack of appreciation and beenserioiusly taken for granted. My spouse has done things behind my back on the net that are hurtful and doesn't consider it lying since he didn't tell me to him its simply that he didn't tell me and its not lying, doesn't matter if it hurt my feelings or not. And there are things he has outright lied about been caught and still tried making it somehow my fault. And when I try to express how i feel ....my spouse says that I am the one with the problem not him...This was a few months ago and he at one point on his own admitted he had a problem and I thought we were working through this. Then this week I find out yet again hes paying for personal sites and seeking out others when hes telling me he only wants me and wants to work things out. .....whats the point of supporting someone just to get kicked down for doing it... Due his job we are forced to live apart for now but I have been faithful, loyal, supportive and have kept the house running and have kept great care of our kids. I have given up the life as I knew it for a long time because it was what our family needed. Without my husband here the kids needed me full time, especially our little one who has been diagnosed with Autism and is very high needs. He is 3 but functions at age level of 1 1/2yrs old so he needs to be cared for fromt he time he wakes until bedtime which unfortunately is usually well after midnight for reasons out of anyones control while dad is gone anyway. I feel I deserve to be treated with respect and appreciated for what I do. I am tired running thru fire hoops and bending over backwards only to get burned and steped on. I am EXTREMELY open minded and adore CD/TG/TS but I do have limits which my husband knows and still he has crossed boundaries that he had no right to do. He thinks he can do whatever he wants online and on the phone and his excuse of "I dont know why i do it" is supposed to be enough for me. He tells me he cant email me or chat with me but I find him chatting with others and emailing others. He makes excuses for not wanting to cyber or have sexy talk but then emails sexy to strangers.I deserve to be respected and appreciated in a marriage. And I deserve to be treated as if I mean something especially when I am so supportive of his crossdressing. I dont cheat, I dont do drugs and Im not out spending all his money like most wives in my situation would be doing. He just takes for granted that I am here and when I say he doesnt appreciate me, I mean I can do just about anything he asks of me and rarely do I get as much as a "thank you". Our Wedding anniversary was last month a few days before my birthday and on that day I got no card, not even a anniversary kiss. He just sat alone and watched tv most of the day not really wanting me to be with him. My birthday was on his last day of his visit home and the entire day he treated me like dirt, even had me in tears at one point, telling me im selfish for wanting it to be all about me. God forbid that on my birthday I think that I should be treated special. One day out of the year ?? is that really to much to ask ??When I say im supportive of my husband. I let him dress ANY time he wants, I never ever get in the way of that. I am always buying him girly things like makeup, panties, bras and clothes. Even sexually I consider myself extremely open minded and open to new things. I am not sure within my marriage how much more I can give. Mothers Day this year he had spent money on himself and then literally didnt even have money to buy a card for me. I told him one of those free email cards would be just as nice and he wouldnt even do that. I take marriage vows seriously and I also dont want to force him to stay if thats not what he wants. But I firmly believe there should be trust and respect in a marriage. I also believe that he chose to be married and if he wants to live the single life and date whoever he wants then he should be single. I have offered him a divorce and told him I wouldnt make it nasty. I even offered him full custody of our son if that is what he would want. He absolutely refuses that idea telling me that he loves me and only wants me and wants to work on this, yet over and over his actions SCREAM otherwise. Im so confused because i hear so often how Cd/TG want support from GG but then when someone like me comes along whos supportive I get treated like this and wonder whats the point of even being supportive anymore. I am so heartbroken at this point....Life is so unfair
Sincere but does it matter?
January 16th, 2007 7:06 pm MST
To those of you who are my friends, this is not about you. You are great and I am proud to know you and be your friend.What I often wonder lately is where do I fit in as a genetic woman. There are some in this site lately who want to tell me how to be a woman like i dont know. I have a simple request. If you want to be respected and treated like a woman than act like one. I have tried having GG friends but when they find out I have a heart for tgirls the friendship usually ends on a rough note right there.I have stated in my profile and repeated in chat many times. I adore tgirls, there is a special place in my heart for them. I am married to a part time Tgirl who will always be my #1 gurl. I want to help in any way and if all i can do is be your friend that would mean the world to me. This is NOT some sexual fetish for me. Dont get me wrong im an adult and like sex and i consider myself more open minded than most but this is NOT the reason I adore tgirls. I will chat with anyone I try to be nice to everyone. I am not here to order around some sissy until they get off. I am NOT attracted to hairy men in panties. If that is your thing that is great but its not my thing. I am attracted to the whole feminine look head to toe. I adore anything feminine. My favorite look for fashion would be the 1930s -1950s era. Back when all women looked like just that ...Women. Tgirls appreciate being feminine more than any woman I have ever met. Not to say women are not feminine. I myself am a girly girl. I like having my nails done, and my hair I set that the old fashioned way with rollers. Cant it get any more feminine. My hobbies at home are sewing and quilting. There is much more to know about me but I like talking more one on one with people instead of posting my life online.If you seek a GG who can be your friend and offer respect and acceptance then email me anytime. If your just looking for some cyber or hot phone sex, keep looking. Maybe we can start a conversation about my dream to someday have a store/salon/cafe for the tgirl community. HuggsJennifer
