Journal Entries for Zonya_jo Rio Gradenko
Want VS Need
January 21st, 2008 12:09 am MST
My Name is Zonya_jo Rio Gradenko. This is who I am. A tg/andronogy that is hopelessly seemingly stuck in the middle. I never feel fully female to the degree that other M2F's do. but I will never be a man either. In fact I hate masculane. 99%So where does this leave me? Stuck in the middle. My childhood, when I discovered my difference, I was often beat-up by bullies well into teens. (Don't bother fighting back cuz they'll get you later, They're in the neighborhood. I found out too many times). And the girls would almost always shun or ignore me and sometime humiliate me it seems. You see we were poor so I would wear my mom's clothes to school. Andronogy clothes. I didn't mind. In fact I liked it because mom was beautiful and I liked to emulate her. but I would pay for it sometimes outside of the home. SO I invented my own girl who is named Zoe. She is my true love above all. my only wish is that i could feel convicted to be Zoe 24/7/365 but my male side is in need. I often feel that Zoe is a WANT vs a NEED unlike most of the TS. There inlies the major difference and dilemma. Unlike many TS I've never achieved any right of passage. nor did i cafre to go there, but sometimes i wish athat could've happened only becasue i hear of many TG who have done just that such as joining Army and other Mascualne things.Right here right now Booker T & the MG's is playing Time is Tight . yes indeed time is tigth. I feel desperate. THIS IS UNFINISHED ITS LATE AND I MUST GO TO SLEEP Back from short hietus. Feeling better about myself. So much to do and so little time and capitol. Hmmm let's see how am I gonna make it happen? JUst gotta keep pluggin away and I have somewhat of a capitol plan. I won't be able to do much til next year. However this year very very soon I will be doing Female Voice-training and also Media-Training.Making plans for the future. What will it bring. Everyday I wake up and wonder who, what where and how. I have the help of my good partner w/o her i know I wouldn't be endeavouring as much nor as fast. I can see in her what I want to become. Or at least another MAJOR part of my great enhancement. I can't be exactly like her. I'm unique as we all are. but I want to get close to some kind of perfection.When I look in the mirror I see Zoe and everyday I'm getting closer to realizing my dream, the wanton of female. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/wanton I know it will happen. when the time is right. that time is now. time is tight. time is nothing, it only rearanges our memories. and what a time it is. One of my favorites quotes is from Charles Dickens:"Tale of two cities" "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" These times of the last few months have been tugging at my heart strings so strongly and in part thru tragedy that feelings are even stronger. I have to remember who I am. Zoe. I am here to bring the meaning of life to a strong output. I have figured out the meaning of life. Sometimes its hard to do given circumstances. but I know exactly what it is. And the meaning is so very simple its right in front of you and inside you. I can't tell you the meaning because you have to experience it for yourself. But once you do, you'll know. That concludes this Want Vs Need blog for now. i hope I can overcome my fears and insecurities. Wish I could have a magic wand. but instead i'll make things as best I can. It may take me longer. It just takes me longer. And I can feel what you feel It just makes you stronger. And we can smile in the end. til zentime Zoë
The New and Improved Zoe
January 19th, 2008 11:33 am MST
Greetings. I an androgonous/transgender female. Still working out the details but making progress everyday. I came out about 3 or 4 years ago to the world and since then have come out to friends, family and extended family. The liberation of freedom to be me is profoundly driving me, along with support groups and meeting someone special to me in December. An event that almost didn't happen , but I made sure it did despite setbacks and I'll admit a little cold feet. Now I am feeling loved more than ever before. Everything seems to be coming up roses now that I've taken more control of my life. It wasn't easy. I made some sacrifices but in the end I'm a much happier progressing Zoe. I'm becoming more in demand too since I made sacrafices. No longer do I have to go to poeple but now they are starting to come to me and I'm on the edge of being in the media. On the homefront I'm working on a new design vanity table. Hopefully next month it'll be finished. This girl can't wait to get it done.Thats all for now I'll try to update this once a month at least otherwise I'd be here all day typing ;)til zen Zoë
