Ms Jenna Clarke
"in the waiting."
Journal Entries for Ms Jenna Clarke
A nightmare that I dont want to come true:
March 25th, 2008 9:08 pm MDT
I usually post 'serious' things. Thats because Im a serious kind of person. I joke and tease a lot but when it comes right down to it...Im really scared and sad deep down inside. Usually when I am my MOST beautiful - THAT is an indication that I am 'over compensateing'... for what you may wonder? I have already told you. Strange how we as people (all Humans) cover our insecurities with 'things'. Some use drugs, smokeing, eating, sex, alchohol, Bullying others, laughter, torment and shopaholicism (I know Ive misspelled some words but that dosent consern me a bit) to name a few. I use my B-E-A-U-T-Y and my ability to stop trafic and make others stumble over themselves (men and women alike) with my natural beauty... It makes ME feel not so inferior. It makes me feel HAPPY that I am being treated with such kindness and careing - even if its because I am such a 'Pretty little thang'. I take comfort in knowing that I am seen with longing eyes for just one moment in others eyes... In person, I smile a lot and laugh with others and try my BEST to be warm, inviting, positive and THANKFUL for and to others. It comes naturally to me to want to please others - pleasing others pleases ME... because I try SO HARD to make others happy. My nightmare 'is not uncommon' within our group of 'Ladies' ... being alone. I have lived alone for YEARS. I have not had relationships for YEARS. I have not ALLOWED the touch of a man to me for YEARS because of their seeming nature alltogether: Men want sex. If they dont get it from YOU than they will get it from 'someone elce'. I have noticed that on and on again. Thats sad. I do NOT allow myself to fall into mens arms for their reason of nature alone. Id RATHER be by my self for YEARS and without any attatchments than to be bothered with 'wondering' if my Boyfriend is going to stray - as most do from time to time. You cant hold a man...only he can hold himself to you - this I have understood from EARLY on in my struggles of relationships. My fear is to be PERMANENTLY alone. You may ask, "Why do you turn ALL of these men away if you do not want to be alone?" Easy, I have already stated that to you. One may ask me, "Since you do not trust them, WHY do you persist in the persuit of them?" What I have to say to that is this, "I dont. I dont INITIATE the persuit. I only respond when I feel or think that one has found me that is of 'suitable' nature to my likeing. THEN and ONLY THEN do they mostly run off because the Chaser becomes the Chased!" Men can not seem to feel in comfort when they meet someone who turns the tables on them. I, for one am EXTREMELY dominant. Dominant in the way of: AGRESSIVE in my modes. Most men COWER under my ability to 'seemingly crush them' with my gase, stance and overall power of dominance. There has NOT been a one who has succeded me. Not a one ! Lately I have come to an understanding and acceptance of being the way I am (in my Dominant and unyeilding nature - dont get me wrong, I am HIGHLY understanding and compromising. I by ALL means aim to please - BUT - if I sence one thread of weakness or uncertainty - THATS when I pounce!) may be my downfall to a life of lonelyness. Only time will tell if I shall meet one who will be able to fit me like a glove... that takes a rare man indeed. Oh, so true.
Some men will say ANYTHING !
February 28th, 2008 8:07 pm MST
This is a copy of an email that a man sent me one day. I have removed identifying information to save him face. This is a PRIME example of what some men will say in their attempt to 'hook you in'. Ugh, such lies! (begin letter) Hi from (lists city and state). I have to say [I'm] crazy and probably in love with you!! My name is Luke (name changed) [and I] am an (names profession) in (repeats state of residence) and I am French as well. What would it take to meet with you? Look up my web site. (web site given) My phone number is (personal phone # given) I'd love for you to call me, this way we could chat in a decent manner!! I hope [that] you do call me. Kiss's sincerely. Luke. (end letter) Well Folks, this is what I sent to him. (begin letter) Your SUCH a lier! Ive already recieved a letter from you this summer in July of 2007. I already KNOW who you are and I bet that you dont even remember but I do! You had sent me a letter similar to this at the time. I have already seen the link to your website about your (I list his profession) at THAT TIME. I told you then, as I will tell you AGAIN now: I am NOT interested in you! STOP pestering ladies like me and telling us that you THINK that you are 'probably' in LOVE with us because you are NOT !!! Cease and desist ! Go away with your nonsense and GET real! You are WAY too old to be acting so DESPERATE for 'attention'. Change your old, tired, out-of-date pictures! Get RID of that Ape-like hair on your back and put a shirt on! STAY out of the sun because you look like a burnt, wrinkled raisin! Leave me alone. (end letter) Look people, I dont care. If some guy is gonna do something as dumb as THAT and THINK that I will oblige - he obviously had not read my profile. I have ZERO TOLERANCE for stupidity and disrespect for ladies like me. I will (figuratively) ferociously snap at you, snarl and bite your head off ! Come on guyz. IF you want MY attention, THIS IS NOT the way to get it.
You win some, you loose some.
February 2nd, 2008 10:43 pm MST
Ladies and Gentlemen.....We of the Transgendered community try so hard to find love. We in comparison to the 'other' people have a more difficult time at it. (I dont care about others opinions because just like onions, they smell after a bit - besides, this is MY Journal and I will say what ever it is that is on my mind about MY opinion on MY journal so far as I dont get it deleted by the Moderators. So without further adieu) Being Transgendered or Transsexual has its difficulties that are 'complex' because of our very nature.... relationships are EXTREMELY difficult to come by that are lasting; I for one have NEVER had one that lasted longer than 5 months. There were usually similarities between the relationships that I have had: The men who liked me liked women - that being said makes the rest of what I have to say fodder though I will say it anyway because Im trying to vent here! These men who have liked ME were either the stereo-typical "Tranny Chaser" where I have utterly NO respect for them because I see them as Sexually Perverted men who want the PENIS part of us (those of us who HAVE one still) because they are 'turned-on' by that aspect. And the other type was the man who loves women though has that adoration for 'all women' so thusly, they tend to like us also. Now, that being said, I have had problem after problem with that. (ALL I WANT IS TO BE A FEMALE AND HOPEFULLY BE MORE HAPPIER LIVING AS A WOMAN THAN WHO/WHAT I AM NOW) These men usually end-up leaving me for a Genetic woman (when after they have stated to ME that they wanted ME) and it just crushes me to my very soul.............. It happened again just recently: This man 'met' me HERE. He was just 'looking' and came across my profile. Needless to say he was MORE THAN PLEASED with who/what he saw and we began to communicate through this service. Later, we communicated via our regular emails. He did NOT realy have a profile, it was just a 'blank' one. So, initially, I told him if he didnt identify himself to me and send me a pic of him, I was just going to 'drop him off and ignore him because I do NOT take kindly to those men who HIDE in darkness'....so he BEGGED and PLEADED with me in a letter and abruptly sent in a few photos of himself (he remained EXTREMELY respectful because he knew of my 0% tollerance for any disrerspect)In his letter to me he stated some things about himself and his TYPE of employment/profession, where THEN I understood his desire for anonymity. When I took a look at his pictures: THERE STOOD BEFORE ME, THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! HE WAS EVERYTHING THAT I HAD DESIRED FOR, WISHED FOR, WANTED TO MEET AND WAS IN TOTAL DISBELIEF BECAUSE HE HAD FOUND ME!!! Then came the BAD news: He was MARRIED. What a BASTARD !!!! I cussed him out (via email) and became ENRAGED on his audacity to come to this forum/meeting place INSPITE of his current status !!! It made me think that if he does this to HER he shall do this to ANYONE ! He stated to me apology after apology and pleaded with me once again and implored me to not disregard him - he further stated with MUCH expression that I was WHO HE HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR ! (regardless if it were true or not was NOT my concern.... ) My Honor, Integrity, Morals and system of PRIDE within myself was disrupted because of this man - I wanted him and he wanted me..... it went against the very grain of me if I continued with ANY kind of contact (we only sent him 5-6 LONG messages back and forth) knowing what I knew! Men. Most if not ALL will say/do ANYTHING if in pursuit. I took the chance but told him that I would NOT remotely 'consider' him for anything other than a letter every now and again BECAUSE of his marital status. (WHAT NERVE OF HIM ... but 2 wrongs do not make a right - so I supposed that I 'justifyied' my actions by 'keeping him at bay' ) Soon to my dismay, he stated to me that he was begining to 'fall for me' if he was not careful. He said that he thought of me DAILY and that it was starting to intervene within his mind through his marriage with his wife. I thought that he was being RIDICULOUS! Why? Because our correspondences were but a FEW messages... I suppose that he was beside himself with what I 'had to offer by being myself'. What - was his wife a dashing idiot or such a poor excuse for a woman in comparison to me that he DARED to make of me within his mind what I was NOT? He finally decited to 'end our correspondence because he must stay with his wife as he LOVES her' and that he feels to save his failing marraige that he must discontinue speaking with me because the 'temptation' of me - he would just take the chance and be enroute to me from Philadelphia, Pa to Dallas, Tx. I just LAUGHED at him but he was SERIOUS. So, we said our adiues and life went on for 6 months............ Until I came back to him: I sent him an email letter that said that I didnt care anymore - for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I was going to CHASE after what I wanted in life NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES MAY BRING !!!! I told him that I was going to 'go out on a Limb' and throw all caution to the wind/aside. He was BEYOND suprised to get my letter. He sent back to me a long letter telling me HOW MUCH HE MISSED me too! and that he felt SO strongly to send ME a letter many times! Heres the REALY bad news: though he had to 'decline me for the SECOND TIME' .... he informed me that his wife was with child and that he could NOT leave them. I was SHOCKED! He had told me (because I ALWAYS ASK !!!!) that he had NO children with his wife of 15-17 yrs and they never had children. (I figured that the GLUE to many marriages are the CHILDREN ... it was the glue in MY parents marriage, after I became 18 they DIVORCED. They stayed UNTIL I WAS OF AGE) So, with HIS wife, she KNEW that she was going to loose her husband and the ONLY way that she had left to KEEP him was to FINALLY decide to set HERSELF ASIDE and bear him a ... son. It worked. He told me that he hopes that I will not hate him for his decision... "If I met you in a different time and place, I would have taken you up on your proposal." I let him know that I COULD NOT hate him or even have the NERVE to become upset. I completely understood. So, we parted for the second time. And as each parting, I cry. This was NO different. I put myself OUT THERE in hopes to finally recieve what I thought was going to be the opertunity of my lifetime.......... How could I feel that I was to be so brave as to interject within his marriage and act as though I could just steal him away from her? I got my just good deserts. I got what I deserved. I got what was coming to me. It was a *smack to reality* Lesson: Never come between 2 people. Especially, a man and a woman. God the Almighty has shown me as a 'reminder' of who/what I am and WHERE my place in this world is.
CAUTION
January 23rd, 2008 11:13 am MST
People,I just want you ALL to be leery of what contact that others may suggest with you. I have been off of the URNA site for 6 months and have just recently come back. I was sent some 'highly unusual' and 'very questionable' email letters from a few people that came to this site. I caution each and every one of you with "DO NOT GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION", ie: Drivers License, State Identification, home address, phone numbers, Social Security Number or any other PERSONAL IDENTIFIABLE documentation of the IDENTITY of your person and or residence. Its bad enough that URNA requires we enter a ZIP CODE to show our city (some cities are SO large that it carries several codes where you MAY be pin-pointed).Ladies and Gentleman, PLEASE by ALL MEANS be secure with your information. It is fine to give an email address and correspond that way for a time. If you so feel to have closer communication, just do the myspace thing. Allowing your self to be 'readily available' is not such a wise thing. Phone numbers may be exchanged though I do recommend EXTREME CAUTION.I work for a financial company, I FULLY understand what can and DOES go wrong. Just be cautious my friends and sisters. I post this Journal to 'Shed light upon the vial creatures of predatory habits' . with love, respect and dignity,-Ms. Jenna Clarke- (of COURSE that is not my legal name in the LEAST!)
