URNotAlone

You win some, you loose some.

February 2nd, 2008 10:43 pm MST

Ladies and Gentlemen.....We of the Transgendered community try so hard to find love. We in comparison to the 'other' people have a more difficult time at it.  (I dont care about others opinions because just like onions, they smell after a bit - besides, this is MY Journal and I will say what ever it is that is on my mind about MY opinion on MY journal so far as I dont get it deleted by the Moderators. So without further adieu) Being Transgendered or Transsexual has its difficulties that are 'complex' because of our very nature.... relationships are EXTREMELY difficult to come by that are lasting; I for one have NEVER had one that lasted longer than 5 months. There were usually similarities between the relationships that I have had: The men who liked me liked women - that being said makes the rest of what I have to say fodder though I will say it anyway because Im trying to vent here! These men who have liked ME were either the stereo-typical "Tranny Chaser" where I have utterly NO respect for them because I see them as Sexually Perverted men who want the PENIS part of us (those of us who HAVE one still) because they are 'turned-on' by that aspect. And the other type was the man who loves women though has that adoration for 'all women' so thusly, they tend to like us also. Now, that being said, I have had problem after problem with that. (ALL I WANT IS TO BE A FEMALE AND HOPEFULLY BE MORE HAPPIER LIVING AS A WOMAN THAN WHO/WHAT I AM NOW) These men usually end-up leaving me for a Genetic woman (when after they have stated to ME that they wanted ME) and it just crushes me to my very soul.............. It happened again just recently: This man 'met' me HERE. He was just 'looking' and came across my profile. Needless to say he was MORE THAN PLEASED with who/what he saw and we began to communicate through this service. Later, we communicated via our regular emails. He did NOT realy have a profile, it was just a 'blank' one. So, initially, I told him if he didnt identify himself to me and send me a pic of him, I was just going to 'drop him off and ignore him because I do NOT take kindly to those men who HIDE in darkness'....so he BEGGED and PLEADED with me in a letter and abruptly sent in a few photos of himself (he remained EXTREMELY respectful because he knew of my 0% tollerance for any disrerspect)In his letter to me he stated some things about himself and his TYPE of employment/profession, where THEN I understood his desire for anonymity. When I took a look at his pictures: THERE STOOD BEFORE ME, THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! HE WAS EVERYTHING THAT I HAD DESIRED FOR, WISHED FOR, WANTED TO MEET AND WAS IN TOTAL DISBELIEF BECAUSE HE HAD FOUND ME!!! Then came the BAD news: He was MARRIED. What a BASTARD !!!! I cussed him out (via email) and became ENRAGED on his audacity to come to this forum/meeting place INSPITE of his current status !!! It made me think that if he does this to HER he shall do this to ANYONE ! He stated to me apology after apology and pleaded with me once again and implored me to not disregard him - he further stated with MUCH expression that I was WHO HE HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR ! (regardless if it were true or not was NOT my concern.... )  My Honor, Integrity, Morals and system of PRIDE within myself was disrupted because of this man - I wanted him and he wanted me..... it went against the very grain of me if I continued with ANY kind of contact (we only sent him 5-6 LONG messages back and forth) knowing what I knew! Men. Most if not ALL will say/do ANYTHING if in pursuit.  I took the chance but told him that I would NOT remotely 'consider' him for anything other than a letter every now and again BECAUSE of his marital status. (WHAT NERVE OF HIM ... but 2 wrongs do not make a right - so I supposed that I 'justifyied' my actions by 'keeping him at bay' ) Soon to my dismay, he stated to me that he was begining to 'fall for me' if he was not careful. He said that he thought of me DAILY and that it was starting to intervene within his mind through his marriage with his wife. I thought that he was being RIDICULOUS! Why? Because our correspondences were but a FEW messages... I suppose that he was beside himself with what I 'had to offer by being myself'. What - was his wife a dashing idiot or such a poor excuse for a woman in comparison to me that he DARED to make of me within his mind what I was NOT? He finally decited to 'end our correspondence because he must stay with his wife as he LOVES her' and that he feels to save his failing marraige that he must discontinue speaking with me because the 'temptation' of me - he would just take the chance and be enroute to me from Philadelphia, Pa to Dallas, Tx. I just LAUGHED at him but he was SERIOUS. So, we said our adiues and life went on for 6 months............ Until I came back to him: I sent him an email letter that said that I didnt care anymore - for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I was going to CHASE after what I wanted in life NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES MAY BRING !!!! I told him that I was going to 'go out on a Limb' and throw all caution to the wind/aside.  He was BEYOND suprised to get my letter. He sent back to me a long letter telling me HOW MUCH HE MISSED me too! and that he felt SO strongly to send ME a letter many times! Heres the REALY bad news: though he had to 'decline me for the SECOND TIME' .... he informed me that his wife was with child and that he could NOT leave them. I was SHOCKED!  He had told me (because I ALWAYS ASK !!!!) that he had NO children with his wife of 15-17 yrs and they never had children. (I figured that the GLUE to many marriages are the CHILDREN ... it was the glue in MY parents marriage, after I became 18 they DIVORCED. They stayed UNTIL I WAS OF AGE) So, with HIS wife, she KNEW that she was going to loose her husband and the ONLY way that she had left to KEEP him was to FINALLY decide to set HERSELF ASIDE and bear him a ... son.  It worked. He told me that he hopes that I will not hate him for his decision... "If I met you in a different time and place, I would have taken you up on your proposal." I let him know that I COULD NOT hate him or even have the NERVE to become upset. I completely understood. So, we parted for the second time. And as each parting, I cry. This was NO different. I put myself OUT THERE in hopes to finally recieve what I thought was going to be the opertunity of my lifetime.......... How could I feel that I was to be so brave as to interject within his marriage and act as though I could just steal him away from her? I got my just good deserts. I got what I deserved. I got what was coming to me. It was a *smack to reality*  Lesson: Never come between 2 people. Especially, a man and a woman. God the Almighty has shown me as a 'reminder' of who/what I am and WHERE my place in this world is.