URNotAlone

A nightmare that I dont want to come true:

March 25th, 2008 9:08 pm MDT

I usually post 'serious' things. Thats because Im a serious kind of person. I joke and tease a lot but when it comes right down to it...Im really scared and sad deep down inside. Usually when I am my MOST beautiful - THAT is an indication that I am 'over compensateing'... for what you may wonder? I have already told you. Strange how we as people (all Humans) cover our insecurities with 'things'. Some use drugs, smokeing, eating, sex, alchohol, Bullying others, laughter, torment and shopaholicism (I know Ive misspelled some words but that dosent consern me a bit) to name a few. I use my B-E-A-U-T-Y and my ability to stop trafic and make others stumble over themselves (men and women alike) with my natural beauty... It makes ME feel not so inferior. It makes me feel HAPPY that I am being treated with such kindness and careing - even if its because I am such a 'Pretty little thang'. I take comfort in knowing that I am seen with longing eyes for just one moment in others eyes... In person, I smile a lot and laugh with others and try my BEST to be warm, inviting, positive and THANKFUL for and to others. It comes naturally to me to want to please others - pleasing others pleases ME... because I try SO HARD to make others happy. My nightmare 'is not uncommon' within our group of 'Ladies' ... being alone. I have lived alone for YEARS. I have not had relationships for YEARS. I have not ALLOWED the touch of a man to me for YEARS because of their seeming nature alltogether: Men want sex. If they dont get it from YOU than they will get it from 'someone elce'. I have noticed that on and on again. Thats sad. I do NOT allow myself to fall into mens arms for their reason of nature alone. Id RATHER be by my self for YEARS and without any attatchments than to be bothered with 'wondering' if my Boyfriend is going to stray - as most do from time to time. You cant hold a man...only he can hold himself to you - this I have understood from EARLY on in my struggles of relationships. My fear is to be PERMANENTLY alone. You may ask, "Why do you turn ALL of these men away if you do not want to be alone?" Easy, I have already stated that to you. One may ask me, "Since you do not trust them, WHY do you persist in the persuit of them?" What I have to say to that is this, "I dont. I dont INITIATE the persuit. I only respond when I feel or think that one has found me that is of 'suitable' nature to my likeing. THEN and ONLY THEN do they mostly run off because the Chaser becomes the Chased!" Men can not seem to feel in comfort when they meet someone who turns the tables on them. I, for one am EXTREMELY dominant. Dominant in the way of: AGRESSIVE in my modes. Most men COWER under my ability to 'seemingly crush them' with my gase, stance and overall power of dominance. There has NOT been a one who has succeded me. Not a one ! Lately I have come to an understanding and acceptance of being the way I am (in my Dominant and unyeilding nature - dont get me wrong, I am HIGHLY understanding and compromising. I by ALL means aim to please - BUT - if I sence one thread of weakness or uncertainty - THATS when I pounce!) may be my downfall to a life of lonelyness. Only time will tell if I shall meet one who will be able to fit me like a glove... that takes a rare man indeed. Oh, so true.