Journal Entries for Antarie Starr
December 2009: I'm busted.
December 16th, 2009 3:57 pm MST
December 2009
Happy Holidays to you and yours!
Sisters, I am in need of all the encouragement and sound advise I can get. Last night a gg friend, an ex-colleague, dropped by our home, unannounced. I was dressed and suffice it to say, there was nothing I could do, but open the door and invite her in out of the cold. I'm sure she noticed the curled eyelashes, feminine hairstyle, earrings and conservative but decidedly feminine slacks and sweater. My breasts are small, but obvious with all the other feminine markers. It was bound to happen sooner or later.
She dropped off the package and left. It was awkward. Question is what do I do now? How will this conservative, predominantly Mormon community handle a Tg living covertly in their midst?
I would like to have some idea of how to handle myself when the word gets around. I have always been an honest person and have stridently avoided lying, always.
Any thoughts?
My Story
December 16th, 2009 3:54 pm MST
There is a typical scenario. An otherwise normal male starts noticing his attraction for female behavior and for feminine clothing. Mine started prior to age six, wearing my mom's nylon nightie, goofing around in her bedroom while she lounged in bed on Saturday mornings, before scooting us kids outside to play. As she could see that the attraction was leading to other things, after a while she cut it off. I thought I was being cute and didn't understand why I had to stop...I really liked the feel of that slippery nylon on my skin.
But it didn't stop the desire to do it, to wear those forbidden things. I did stop though; did learn to blend in with boys.
Later in the Navy, it kicked up again, but I rarely acted on it, burying it as deep as possible most of the time, being busy all the time tends to keep people out of trouble. Got out of the Service, married and started college; again not much time to explore what all this meant. The internet was relatively unknown then. So, there wasn't the opportunity to become informed about what was/is happening to me....and of course I was not going to ask anyone either.
At some point crossdressers (CDs) and transgender people (TGs), and people who would be transsexual (TS) begin to discover how deep this need to be feminine really goes. The difference between TGs and TSs becomes apparent. TGs can live with all their boy parts; TSs find it intolerable to exist so different from what they feel ...they must transition...don't have a choice in their eyes...hatred for their boy body parts can lead to serious depression and suicide, especially considering how permissive our society is with respect to tacitly allowing outward disgust, discrimination and even the possibility of a hate crime occurrence.
TGs span the gap between the CD category and TSs, a very wide range of expression of female behavior and outward appearance.
My personal situation: I have been diagnosed as experiencing Late Onset Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID). GID is not a disease so much as it is a condition, part of the natural variation in human identity. It is NOT a result of sexual orientation, though a change in orientation sometimes results from GID.
I buried my desire to be feminine for so long …. trying to successfully live the role of men in our society. When finally getting information from the internet and studying various books now easily available, I basically realized that my condition was different from the CD category. I identify as female and not only want to pass as female, I have often dreamed of ‘being’ female. I began to resign myself to the fact that I would always be this way. A couple of years in consultation with a psychotherapist confirmed the GID and helped me work through questions that arose from there.
Some discoveries:
Obviously the first was a recognition that these urges or desires were much stronger or deeper than what I believe they might be for CDs and were not going to go away. CDs get a kick out of dressing as the opposite ‘sex’. They seem to get an emotional release of sorts, but don't really want to ‘be’ women. TG and TS people ‘are’ women to some degree psychologically, emotionally.
Gradually, I gained knowledge and found support that changed my concept of who and what I am. Over time I have come to believe that I am not sinning, or a deviant person despite what society says...a society that conditioned me to fit into the conventional male role model. This was the beginning of my acceptance of the way I am. I believe that people are born pre-disposed to being TG or TS; that one’s childhood environment may also may play a role as to whether this pre-disposition is triggered. I believe that God is not responsible for the way I am...I just am ... and that we TGs and TSs choose to act on the way we feel, rather than hide, suppress our being.
Next: Came the hardest issues for me to deal with to-date: At age 58, with so much time ...my youth....gone....why ask for so much hardship in which living "out" generally results? I mean, I am already 'old'. What am I going to feel like when I no longer have the little beauty I have managed to accomplish? There appears to be a long and difficult learning/unlearning curve to handle as well. Is this desire so strong that I needed to give up everything I have worked for 50 years?
Do I want to go all the way through SRS and start a new life, which would rob my wife and best friend of the man she married....to break my vows of commitment? Oh btw, I told her about my urges...what I thought was cross dressing at that time... before we discussed marriage and she married me in spite of them. Neither one of us had a clue this would lead much, much farther along the path toward being a ts woman.
Where will this journey end for me? I honestly do not know. I am doing and considering things relative to permanently changing my physical appearance and questioning my sexuality. These are all things I never in life would believe I would do...or in some cases said that I would never want to do. Yet here I am, 2 years on Premarin to grow those female physical attributes, albeit to a small degree. I have smoother, softer skin, body hair (except for the beard area), grows more slowly and is softer. My mood seems to be improved and more stable...I still have depression, but it is not as debilitating...the highs and lows aren't as pronounced. Most of all, estrogen has given me that "Ahh, this just feels right" sense of well-being. I have managed a delightful growth spurt and now have nice, wonderful, little breasts. It is enough for me...at least that is what I say now.
For our relationships sake, I had the doctor allow me to reduce my dosage to more or less a maintenance level. The result has been that I no longer shoot little swimmers and don't get that explosive release in an ejaculation, but I am still able to get it up and sustain it long enough to give my wife pleasure and usually a decent orgasm. I as well have an orgasm, though much different from the normal male kind, yet it is pleasant.
What would I do, if I was relatively young, healthy, good job skills, unmarried, and had the cash? Would I transition all the way? If I had then, the knowledge I have now.....I believe transition to a transsexual woman would be very likely. And here I end this first blog.
a datewith Janiceesp at Lvtg
August 30th, 2009 1:08 am MDT
Intelligent, cosmopotilan, world traveler, tranny admirer, very interesting but a bit rough with women, a little agressive too, but had a nice time though. would meet him again but just as friends.
Hungry to be in girl-mode
August 6th, 2008 4:18 pm MDT
It's been only a little more than 2 weeks since my last expedition and I can't wait for the next to begin. I truely love being feminine. I know I still look like a guy, but it doesn't matter as much now as it used to. I feel pretty and confident, for the most part anyway, thanks Bobbie. Looking at the calendar makes me long for another respite from the daily grind in boy-mode. Unfortunately, I cannot see any girl time in the near future...so I'll just keep plugging away and look toward the future with eager lips and hips. I know...real bad..lol.
July in Vegas08
July 29th, 2008 5:39 pm MDT
I typed an 08 in the title, cause I hope to have more fun July times in Vegas, even if it does get to a hundred and seven degrees. Spent 5 wonderful, exciting, lovely days freed from boy-mode 24 hours a day. Bought a new skimpy bikini, lounged poolside at a friends home and soaked up the rays ...and admiring gazes. Shopping and dinning out was great fun; best of all Bobbie treated me like the lady I am. We went clubbing, even danced alitlle. I had a GREAT time!
Summertime! Yea!
June 1st, 2008 11:34 pm MDT
I haven't had a chance to be femme much this past month. :( But hopefully I can get it on some this month at least at home. Since I have perky little boobs showing thru my tee's now, I really like summer time alot. I'm a person who feels much less encumbered with the fewer clothes required by this season. At the end of this month, I will have been taking Premarin for a year. I have been training much more since it has gotten nice outside, so I got the Doctor to increase my dosage some. This I hope will stimulate more growth and not be burned-up in the exercising. I like having Boobies. I like it alot!
DLV 2008
May 1st, 2008 11:37 pm MDT
I was able to attend Thursday thru Saturday night. I had an exciting and rewarding experience, met many wonderful people and otherwise enjoyed myself. Thanks DLV organizers!!! You Rock! :)
Taxes-Ahhhhharg!
April 14th, 2008 10:52 pm MDT
I am totally frustrated. Having planned and waited and scheemed to attend the full week of DLV, my hopes have been dashed to pieces. Darn taxes! I won't make it this year. I am bummed.
Confused, and blessed!
April 1st, 2008 12:47 am MDT
On my mind, March 2008. I crave living, being tg and want so much to go about, just being me. I must deal with 2 specific issues before I can continue to grow and mature as a transgendered person. I fear being confronted, called out, of allowing myself to be humiliated or intimidated. I'm not sure how well I will respond when it finally happens. I loath to think that I might freeze, tongue-tied, stammering. Such a poor response would not only be totally embarrassing, but could also make me look vulnerable, possibly inviting even worse abuse. I know I should not feel like this, but I do. What have others done or said to nip a bad situation in the bud? Does anyone care to share one of those truely MONUMENTAL comebacks? Next, I try to balance my tg life with my more accustomed role in society. I dress and release my feminine side in the privacy of our home in southern UT and out in mainstream when visiting Las Vegas. Most of the time of course, I am in boy mode just doing my job and interacting with the people I know. Vegas is big, has lots of people; one has a reasonable expectation of annonimity, but..... . So far, the locals and the tourists have treated me with respect and consideration, even kindness and courtesy on occasion. Thanks folks, you all are swell. Here's the dilemma: I crave being out and about doing stuff any normal gg would be doing in public, living, being free. So when I get the chance, I drive 3 hours to Vegas, book a room for a few days with full expectation of being released from boy-mode, only to end up with high anxiety. So much so, that on each succeeding trip I am spending more time secluded in my room and less time freely participating in life. I was very brave the first few times, eventhough I looked like a freak. Now I look and dress ever so much better, but have less courage each succeeding time. I don't get it and it makes me very sad. And I am angry that I don't get it...time is precious. I have tried to balance my life with such trips, but these issues are tipping me over. In all this, my wife is my best friend. I was honest with her before I asked her to marry, almost 20 years now. Of course neither of us realized that my desire to crossdress was an expression of something much more encompassing and consuming. I have not lied to her, been dishonest or cheated on her>>>nor will I in the future. She has been nothing but understanding and supportive. I guess this part I tell just to provide useful context. And to say how very grateful I am for what I have. So where are we? I guess back to the anxiety and questions about what can I do to prepare for that eventual confrontation. I mean "there are laws", but I never in my life have had to think about this before. Those laws seem to be pretty toothless unless one is prepared to be featured on the "6 O'clock New." These are the big things on my mind right now. Please, would you give your perspective. Thanks and hugs, Antarie.
Thursday, March 6th, 2008
March 6th, 2008 11:52 pm MST
I am not good at keeping Journals up. But I'll take a crack at it while in the Mood.I talked with a friend (whom is also a massage therapist and a damn good one) today about me being TG or non-op transsexual and being on Premarin. I have little A-cup breasts which are growing little by little. She wanted to know why I needed to take hormones (just) estrogin. I told her that it gives me that Ah Hah! moment..." this feels right". and now I can at last have real breasts, to some degree. Told her that I hoped the drug would soften my skin, my facial appearence especially. And She confirmed that it actually does look more feminine, softer. The weight, I have been able to control, except around the middle. I have been running or hiking, sometimes with a pack, 2-4 times a week, about 3-6 miles depending on the weather and my mood, which is some better these days. Anyway, doing good physically and better emotionally too. To finally be able to have someone my wife and can talk about my genger dysphoria and situation is just wonderful....a little liberating.
