Journal Entries for Nicole Antoinette Amie
My Ship's Run Aground
October 4th, 2010 8:17 pm MDT
A couple of years ago I was walking along a beach on Lake Michigan to get a picture of the Big Sable Point lighthouse.
As I walked along, I came upon a sign indicating the location of a ship that had run aground there many years before. I could barely see the remains of the once majestic schooner in the sand of the beach.
Today I thought about that ship and how it symbolizes my life of late. You see, this week a ship went aground. This ship launched on its voyage in April of 1973. It carried two people. One dressed in a long white gown and the other in a brown tuxedo. Both had dreams for the future. Both had faith in God and in each other. As the mighty ship left port, everyone cheered and wished them well on their journey together.
The ship was a good ship, strong and majestic, filled with love and hope. The wind filled her sails and carried her forward. Where too? Forward on to the adventure of life, a life together. Children were born. The couple worked hard and prospered. Friends and family surrounded them. They took on ministries in their church.
The ship weathered many a storm. The children who step on your feet when young, step on your heart when old. Financial setbacks, illnesses, partial loss of eyesight, death of grandparents, death of a parent and even the death of a child. But weather the storms it did. It seemed that love could conquer all.
But one day the wind became contrary. And in the dark of night, under this ill wind, the mighty ship ran aground. The dreams of the two travelers lay shattered on the rocks. Can the ship be saved? Only time will tell. But though their dreams may be shattered, and faith in each other wanes, the faith that produces hope is still sure.
Someday there will be an ending to this story. But that ending cannot be written now. Will the ship be re-floated? Can some of the dreams be salvaged? Can love indeed conquer all? Or, will the ship remain on the beach forever for someone to gaze upon in wonder and sadness a hundred years from now?
My Soul
November 11th, 2009 9:46 am MST
I see myself as being made up of three parts: Body, Soul and Spirit.
The Soul is who I am. It will always exist, even when my body wears out and dies. The Body and Spirit are the parts that experience things and communicate those experiences to the Soul. The Body senses physical things: it sees, hears, feels, tastes and smells things. Its goal is to feel good. The Spirit senses the spiritual things. It's how God talks to us. And even without listening to God, it contains our conscience. Maybe the Spirit is where the sixth sense resides.
So physical sensations come from the Body and spiritual sensations come from the Spirit. The Soul takes all of this in, makes sense of it and reacts to it. The way the Soul processes the input and formulates a response is what defines our personality.
My soul is female. My body is male. I really don't know if the spirit has gender. I don't think so, because God is spirit and He states:
Genesis 1:27 - God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
Galatians 3:27 - There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Of course that darned body wants to feel good. And how can it feel good if it is shaped like a man but wrapped around a woman’s soul? Is this why I take hormones? Is this why I like my little boobs? Is this why I remove my body hair? Is this why I wear panties every day (even if they are a fairly safe style)? Is this why I dress in women's clothing when I get a chance? Yes. But while my soul allows this kind of "indulgence" to my body, it also does not allow my body to take more bold action. It constrains my body's desires in order to not hurt those around me, who I love, who I have made commitments to. You may argue that I am really just too scared to take any of the hard steps. And maybe you would be correct, but only partially.
It would be absolutely wonderful if my body matched my soul. And maybe someday it will. However, if that day never comes, it really doesn't seem like the end of the world. Because I have come to grips with who I really am. I don't have to dress in a dress or have a vagina to be who I am. I am Nicole when cross-dressed as a man. I am Nicole when I am all dolled up. I am Nicole all of the time. I am Nicole, she is who I am.
Nicole is the soul that receives the physical and spiritual stimuli, processes all of that information and formulates a response. How that happens, whether dressed as a man or dressed as a woman, is uniquely Nicole. However, I really don’t think I could be who I am without help from my God. It’s His spiritual input that gives me the strength and inspiration to keep on keeping on.
Halloween
October 31st, 2009 12:31 pm MDT
I guess I'm kind a slow. For most of my adult life I have disliked Halloween. Why? Was it because dad took us to the spooky house with a family cemetery in the yard? Was it because it teaches the kids that they can just demand, if not threaten, and get something in return? No, I think it is because I live Halloween every other day of the year. What you say? Are you are so selfish that you live your life demanding and expecting from those around you. No way. It's the costumes.
On Halloween, everyone dresses in costumes to hide who they really are and become someone different than who they are all the rest of the time. It seems that many cross-dressers love this holiday. It's one time they can show their female persona publicly without being found out. For me, wearing a costume is an every day occurrence. I live life cross-dressed as a man. If I dress as Nicole on Halloween, I am not in costume.
Anyway, I'm not writing this because I am depressed, or I want sympathy or attention. I'm writing this because it seems like a great discovery to me, and I just wanted to share it with you. Perhaps it will help you better understand this transsexual thing a bit more.
Trick or Treat!
What Is the Big Deal with Sex?
June 30th, 2008 4:55 pm MDT
What is the big deal with sex? Sex is for making babies, right? It also feels good. My bet is that if it didn't feel good, there wouldn't be very many babies. Is it wrong to have sex just to feel good? Since marriage is forever, and the number of children per family is 1.9, I'm thinking that sex between marriage partners happens more than 1.9 times in a life time. The couple is one forever, not just to make babies. The way I see it, sex is the ultimate intimacy between a committed couple. The becoming one flesh thing. Beyond the physical pleasure envolved in sex, do we not experience the mental pleasure of love and acceptance? Now, can we become one with someone and then rip ourselves apart and become one with another, over and over again? Of course we can. Maybe the question really is "should we"? Does the pleasure of the sex outweigh the pain of the tearing apart? This journal entry did not go in the direction that I started out in, so I posted two entries today. But perhaps it will be thought provoking anyway.
Is Sex All It Is About?
June 30th, 2008 4:49 pm MDT
I know that transsexual has the word SEX in it. But is SEX what it is all about? My body has male sex organs. My mind has a female gender. Is it important for the sex and the gender to be in alignment? The answer to that lies somewhere between YES and NO for all of us. I was recently asked a question by one of my genetic girl friends about whether I ever had, or thought about having sexual relations with a man. Oh what a hard question! My mind went back 30+ years to when I was in my early 20s. How I fantisized, hoped and even prayed about becoming a wife to a man. How I sought out confirmation that I could be a woman, and how that led to a night of confirmation. Does that make me homosexual? I don't believe so. As I have lived my life cross-dressed as a male, I have been married and have fathered three wonderful children. Nobody considers that to be a homosexual experience. That night back in the 70s never made me feel gay. In fact, it felt right. I was a woman! As a woman, I would seek a husband. Does that mean that I want it both ways? Am I bi-sexual? I don't think so. I personally think that being bi-sexual is what some transgendered folks feel that they have to be. To others, it just seems to open up two times as many potential sex partners. What do I know. Have any of you thought about this?
Christianity
May 12th, 2008 9:11 pm MDT
Sometimes I get the impression that nobody believes that someone can be transsexual and be a Christian. Or be transsexual and a republican for that matter. I think many of my transgendered sisters have suffered rejection and judgment from Christians instead of love and understanding. That upsets me to no end. To be a Christian means to be saved from the penalty of sin. Everyone has sinned. This we all have in common. God pardons those who he calls. Since His pardon is a gift, and since it is something that no one deserves, there is no way that a Christian should ever look down at anyone for any reason. The fact that they sometimes do, just proves that they are still human. Having said that, please don't look down on me for being a Christian. I am your sister in life, and would be most happy to be your sister in heaven some day. But that is up to you. If you let me, I will love, respect and support you, like only a sister can. - Nicole
