Nicole Wilde
"is feeling optimistic"
Journal Entries for Nicole Wilde
Went to find myself but I wasn't there...
June 20th, 2008 9:04 pm MDT
So I went and spent far too much money flying to Europe and back and found out a whole lot of things but unfortunately I mosty brought back questions rather than answers. One thing is clear though. I already knew the answer I needed, I was just, as usual, afraid to accept it. I guess I found out a few good things; at least, I confirmed a few things I already knew. First, good friends are very few and far between, and when you find them, you should keep in touch. Probably not too unusual for a trans girl but I spent most of my life putting distance between myself and pretty much anything that got too close and having re-acquainted myself with a handful or more friends that I have known for two decades or more, I feel proud to know them. You know when you have such friends I guess when after ten years apart you sit down within minutes and fall into the same comfortable ways you found before, even, when you have hopped across the gender fence - visibly at least, because the more I think about it the less sure I am that i was ever on the side I thought I was to begin with! Second, I guess you can't ever put the lid back on Pandora's box. Actually that makes it sound like a bad thing but for me so far it has not been. Sure, I have caused myself many many sleepless and tear-stained nights and continue to worry about the effect all this is having on my loved ones but on the whole I find every single day that I spend as Nicky makes me feel more like a member of the human race, rather than a spectator. I know there's no going back, I could never have done what I have just done as my old self and despite the ignorance that I experience almost every day I take to the streets, despite the attention I attract in every room, bar restaurant or sidewalk, despite the extra effort it takes to get out of the door each morning - both real and perceived, I was surprised by how quickly it hit me when it all came to an end. I packed my girl's stuff in the case at the hotel all prepared for an international flight which I was responsibly planning to take next morning as my legal gender, and wondered how long it would be before the relief of not having to do all the makeup, not having to deal with the stares wore off and I had to get back to my real self again. A day or two, maybe a week at most, I thought. Actually, by the time I had maade it down to the lobby to wait for my cab to the airport the next morning, I was feeling it. by the time I was an hour into the flight, I was locked in the bathroom, trying to control my emotions. The next day (today, actually) I was back and planning my next visit to the consltants. Nicky is here to stay, and she won't be taking a back seat much longer! (actually, she's already driving, she's just a lot smarter than the guy who had the job last.)
Going to Spain to find myself?
June 3rd, 2008 8:28 pm MDT
Here I am packing my things and in a few short days I will be on a plane back to Europe again to spend 10 days in Spain; go to my friends wedding and visit Madrid. I'm leaving a lot of things in the US - my job, my family and my former identity. I am wondering what I will miss and whether I will have time to make any decisions while I'm away. I guess I won't miss my job; it will be here when I get back (hopefully) and they know all about me anyway and don't care either way. I might miss my family. We're not exactly close these days and we are trying to make plans for some serious changes anyway. We know that we can't go on like we are. I'll probably miss them if I think about it too long. It will be the hardest thing to accept because I will have to leave my best friends one day soon and start on my own again. My "old" self is kind of losing out on a daily basis anyway. There is less and less of that around and I'm looking forward to being able to leave it all behind me for ten days. Especially in a place where I don't have to worry about any phone calls, surprise visits, only a few dozen people who know me already and a lot more who don't care! I need to make a commitment to my future at this point and I know that the only way to do this is to do it directly and with confidence. I want to be able to come home in a couple of weeks time and know exactly what I have to do, but at least, I need to be able to come back and be prepared to make a few more sacrifices before I can move on. Also, I'm hoping to have a little fun!
Waltz in Vienna or Tango in Buenos Aires?
May 29th, 2008 3:48 pm MDT
I've loved meeting people on URNA and I have met a few very nice gentlemen who are tall enough to take me dancing! Unfortunately, I can't dance and it's not much of a surprise that most men either can't or don't like to either! It's a little bit of a fantasy of mine to take dancing lessons in preperation for a romantic trip to one of the famous dancing capitals of the world. I would love to have a tall handsome man escort me to the Ball in Vienna and dance the Waltz all evening, or indulge in the passion of the Tango in Beunos Aires, or any of a dozen other dances and locations! Of course, we would need the proper attire, ball gown, jewels, tuxedo, and the accompanying banquet! Well, I am going on holiday next month so I guess I'll do my best to find some romance while I'm there, but I have a feeling I'll be looking for a while yet! In the meantime, if there's a budding dance partner out there in Philly who's willing to learn with me and tips about six feet five, then I'll be looking for you!!
Stylist Cures all Ills!
May 24th, 2008 6:22 pm MDT
Most girls have someone who has taught them how to apply makeup, choose wigs and even thrown in some sartorial advice. For those who have done without such a mentor, I have no doubt they have missed out. To find a friend in someone like that makes it possible for a girl to occassionally immerse themselves in frivolity and trivia and emerge not only looking and feeling a thousand times better, but with renewed confidence and strength along side. I know there are many other "alumni" of Amanda Richards around and I have visited her quite a few times over the past year. She talks through every decision with me and when, like today, we arrive at a conclusion, the only thing that happens by the time I get home and look in the mirror is that I marvel at her skill in styling wigs and applying makeup. Thanks again to you, Amanda. And now I really am once again looking forward to going on vacation in June! I have almost everything I need, including a whole bag full of confidence!
Confidence badly damaged but re-inforced at eleventh hour
May 20th, 2008 9:28 pm MDT
Had some pretty bad knocks to my confidence during the past week. It's something that I have to remind myself about constantly that it's not enough to keep telling yourself that there's nothing wrong with you, but you have to be pretty thick skinned about what people around you say too. Well, that's not to say that I live in a world full of rose gardens and fluffy clouds where I never hear a nasty comment, but let's be honest, when I am out and about I find that someone has to be right in my face with anything unpleasant before it will even register. Sidelong glances and sneers aren't really that common but I have totally tuned them out anyway. Most of the time, I get smiles and happy faces anyway, and my confidence in human nature is stronger than ever these days because of it. But what I'm talking about is the bombshell that sneaks in under the radar. It is a comment by someone who at least claims to be an unconditional supporter, which comes streaking out of a clear blue summer sky like a scud missile and sends you reeling. Kind of like the way your very liberal, open minded parents who didn't bat an eyelid about all this and dismissed any issue regarding how you may present yourself in public then subsequently say: "just don't do it while we're visiting" or "we'd just like to spend some time with our son" or "you need to think about who you are hurting" or "are you sure it's a good idea to go to your friends wedding like this". Well, I know the answer is not at the bottom of a vodka bottle, but that's only because I had a bloody good look for it there recently. Actually I know exactly where the answer is and I went to the bottle out of habit and self pity. The answer is at urnotalone, in the experiences of others, in conversations with real friends, who continue to spend time with you because they like you and value your friendship, and in yourself, in being honest about why you need to do this, and in putting one foot in front of the other, and never looking back. Jon Bon Jovi was wrong - you can never go home, but then if you are smart you bring home with you I guess. And thanks Daria for your kind words which were just enough to make me realize how lucky I am.
Stressed Out!
May 18th, 2008 4:58 pm MDT
thought it may be interesting to record my state of mind for posterity's sake. Been staying in rather a lot recently, largely because I am trying to save a little money before I go on holiday in June. some of my old friends from the UK are getting married in Spain, so I am going to the wedding and of course Europe is not the cheapest vacation destination at the moment. Anyway, I've been trying to cut down on the amount of time I spend in the city too, and have been trying to spend more time doing "GG" stuff instead of "TG" stuff, even though it seems that I've made quite a few good friends in the TG world recently. Well there has been a lot of activity at home culminating in my parents arriving and even though they had told me previously that they were fine with my lifestyle and I had arranged to spend some time with them as Nicky (I'm not f/t yet...) they did an about turn and said they didn't want to do that. Something of a kick in the teeth really to find that people don't accept you after all. So my confidence took a bashing and now I'm worrying about all the friends I'll be with in Spain - because I'll be 24/7 for 10 days while I am there! I guess I just have to deal with it - it's a right of passage or something. Nothing good ever came easy and I guess my parents will be leaving thursday so only a couple more days to worry about! Roll on tuesday! I'm out for lunch with a friend!
Finding my feet
May 11th, 2008 2:40 pm MDT
It has ben nice to recieve so many compliments during the few days since I joined urna. There seems to be a air of security here and I love the friendliness between people from across the world. I continue to get to know myself the more I talk to others and I am very pleased to see how many people there are here that I already know, as well as many people with whom I hope I can become friends.
Just getting up to speed...
May 7th, 2008 4:47 pm MDT
I have just joined URNA and already have received a number of friend requests and a few nice messages on my guestbook. Of course I'm not familiar with the protocols and am still finding my way around the site. I'm pretty comfortable with who I am and what I do, I am always keeping my eyes open for new things but I am not a particularly social animal I'm afraid, even though I am slowly meeting a lot of ne friends in Philly & South Jersey. So if I'm slow getting back to you, I'm just figuring it out... and in the meantime, thanks to anyone who reads this for your kind attention. Nicky
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