URNotAlone

Went to find myself but I wasn't there...

June 20th, 2008 9:04 pm MDT

So I went and spent far too much money flying to Europe and back and found out a whole lot of things but unfortunately I mosty brought back questions rather than answers.  One thing is clear though.  I already knew the answer I needed, I was just, as usual, afraid to accept it. I guess I found out a few good things; at least, I confirmed a few things I already knew.  First, good friends are very few and far between, and when you find them, you should keep in touch.  Probably not too unusual for a trans girl but I spent most of my life putting distance between myself and pretty much anything that got too close and having re-acquainted myself with a handful or more friends that I have known for two decades or more, I feel proud to know them.  You know when you have such friends I guess when after ten years apart you sit down within minutes and fall into the same comfortable ways you found before, even, when you have hopped across the gender fence - visibly at least, because the more I think about it the less sure I am that i was ever on the side I thought I was to begin with! Second, I guess you can't ever put the lid back on Pandora's box.  Actually that makes it sound like a bad thing but for me so far it has not been.  Sure, I have caused myself many many sleepless and tear-stained nights and continue to worry about the effect all this is having on my loved ones but on the whole I find every single day that I spend as Nicky makes me feel more like a member of the human race, rather than a spectator.  I know there's no going back, I could never have done what I have just done as my old self and despite the ignorance that I experience almost every day I take to the streets, despite the attention I attract in every room, bar restaurant or sidewalk, despite the extra effort it takes to get out of the door each morning - both real and perceived, I was surprised by how quickly it hit me when it all came to an end. I packed my girl's stuff in the case at the hotel all prepared for an international flight which I was responsibly planning to take next morning as my legal gender, and wondered how long it would be before the relief of not having to do all the makeup, not having to deal with the stares wore off and I had to get back to my real self again.  A day or two, maybe a week at most, I thought.  Actually, by the time I had maade it down to the lobby to wait for my cab to the airport the next morning, I was feeling it.  by the time I was an hour into the flight, I was locked in the bathroom, trying to control my emotions.  The next day (today, actually) I was back and planning my next visit to the consltants. Nicky is here to stay, and she won't be taking a back seat much longer!  (actually, she's already driving, she's just a lot smarter than the guy who had the job last.)