Lana Poulson
"is doing something in secret shhhhh"
Journal Entries for Lana Poulson
Another job might help
September 29th, 2008 5:46 pm MDT
So i was at work today and wow was it ever dead it sucked that i was so damn early. I found out since my manager will be away next month i can show up for 10. So now i wont have to leave so damn early as i did today like half an hour early. But ya thought that was funny. Wile i was at work i looked on Volunteer Ottawa site, i ended up going to the Salvation Army site and applied to volunteer for them. Hopefully on another day in the week so it keeps me busy. I also got my Manager to write me a letter so i can bring it with me to Toronto just stating that i work there. I feel good but i want something that will keep me busy. Today it was like yawn not very many calls and i was surfin the web and emails and stuff. My dog also ate one of my ear phones not so great about that so only one works i still used it, but now will have to buy another head set. Ah well. Can't wait to get paid so i can pay off my stupid credit card. LOL just so i can rack it back up pay for my train ticket for Toronto in advance. I know this month will be better then last month. I spent the amount on it this month. Which of course was going over then what i wanted. I'll be more responcible next month i have to be. If i want to sdtart saving money again after X-mas i can start saving money again. So i can start doing the things i need to do like get new bedroom things and bath and living space. As well start saving for my breast implants. Do volunteering as well work next year thats my plan. Thats it for now Lana Song Beer for my horses - Toby Keith
Latest Update
September 17th, 2008 1:38 pm MDT
So I went to the Hiv 101 training and wow did it ever open up my eyes about things. I thought i knew stuff but wow i learned a whole lot more when i went to that meeting. So the 22nd which is next Monday i start my first day of work which im super excited about. I can't wait to learn and do something different. Its funny last time i spoke with my shrink i had talked about id like to volunteer which i have said for the last 2 years now when i see him tomorrow he will be very suprised im sure. Since im not just talking about it im doing it. Also that im going to Toronto for my SRS assessment (SRS Sex Change Sugery) October 14th i am so ready to start that part. It shall be intresting and I have two apointments same day. Iv been waiting for a date so now that im finally going down i feel great. Iv also decided to not smoke anymore. But this time im going to do cold turky it has worked in the past for me for a good wile and im just at that point where i need to quit for me. I even wrote my brake up letter to my cig addiction. Its day one but i feel great so far. Plus i no longer can aford it lol its true. My Father and i were talking recently and this year has really been my year, One of our family friends even said i look better and iv come along way and she can see im really come into my own this year. Id say shes right for sure. Funny enough but i feel next year and the years after is really going to go my way. I mean i bought my dog this year, im now taking lower anti-depression meds and hope to go even lower. Im volunteering to get experince and get my self slowly back into the work force. Iv finally come into my own and now have better style then i ever have lol. I really do have better taste now haha. I feel great im not depressed and i keep all nagative feelings and thoughts out of my space. I try my best to always be positive and think positive too. However life is always intresting i feel now that my life is more tame. Im excited about turning 29 and even 30 believe it or not *smiles*. I just feel greatYayLana
My Own Being
September 3rd, 2008 10:53 am MDT
Its funny how time passes by, When I first started this transition I never thought I would get as far as I have gotten. Its taken many many years for me to get to this stage. Clothing was my biggest problem converting everything. Then getting rid of everything else that did not match how I felt (guy clothing). But once everything was in place I felt safe. One transsexual I first met when I came to Ottawa had said when you by female under wear take scissors to the guy ones and you will feel better. I did what she said and felt great after words. I have to say when I started using the internet years ago to meet men and I did meet many I found a lot of them were losers funny enough I find most men now to be the same as they were then. And I started this whole thing at 21 years of age. Though most of them were new experiences for me since before I switched I lived as a gay guy. I then found out when I went as a girl that men gay or straight or sort a all the same and after one thing. Though I have had experience in both departments some men can be real sweet hearts and others not so much. I also used to want a relationship and to be married so bad. I guess it had to do with wanting to be loved for who I was. And not having many friends as a child. My parents loved me but I needed that extra bit. Its funny though now because I learned you have to love your self before you can love anyone else. Even into my late teens and in to my early 20's I thought love would fix everything change everything even how I felt about my self. I learned after having my first long term relationship that love does not change anything about who you are except maybe you learn from what you want and what you don't want love is to be powerful but sometimes its just shit. In a matter of speaking of course LOL. Now that IM 28 years old and the proud mom of a pomchi my little baby girl other words known as Miss Trouble LOL. I love her so much that needing a man in my life is not really my number one thing on my To Do List. Or Want List. It also might have something to do with the hormones IM taking and tblockers I'm on or it could be everything I'm going through in my life right now. Im going to be turning 29 in a couple of months Nov which means my last year in my 20's or as I call them late 20's. So much has changed with me for the better. My friends have sort a changed, the way I see everything has changed. I don't have negative feelings towards my self I can't I have a dog to look after its not me anymore its not all about me as it has been for so many many years. I do love my self now 100 an 10%, which is funny if you were to ask me last year which was such a bad year for me I probably would of said no and then maybe told yah off LOL. That was how I thought and acted last year. But one day you have to wake up and say there are more important things out there then negative thoughts and feelings. This year has been the most important in my transition I started lazar hair removal which I should of started when I first started but do to money and I guess timing it did not fall in to place till recently.. My dog has helped me immensely. Im now taking lower anti depression meds high hormones and tblockers which have made me so calm I don't get mad but heated now. I wake early and go to bed early I have a busy day or if not try to stay busy. Though I do take afternoon naps with my pooch being up early gets me tired because not all night sleeps are peaceful. Im really excited about this volunteering position that I applied for, And I hope I get it but if not I will look on the site again for others. Soon I'll go to Toronto for my assessment apparently they ask a lot of questions so I'll be prepared but not stressed. I just want this transition to be done. And have normal sex. I have had all the anal sex one can have and to be honest I don't want anymore of it. The before care is a pain and the after care is a bitch. And if they go to ruff you can feel it at the bottom of your stomach or so it feels like that. And to be honest what I mean by normal to me I mean Vaginal sex . Anyway I'm very happy how everything is finally coming together and to be honest I don't need a man for anything at this point in my life. I don't need to fret or stress or worry why he's not calling or have to hear another excuse on why he did not show. All that time on men can go to my dog diva and my self and my friends and family. The road we got might be tough and there are a lot of bumps for sure. But the rainbow at the end of the storm we will be able to enjoy for sure. Keep Smiling Lana
Change
July 29th, 2008 12:20 pm MDT
Change So since going through my old child hood stuff and looking through things that i want to pass on to someone else in the garage sale. I have also come to relise that im just growing up and changing into a brand new person which means i also want to change the things i see everyday when i go to the bathroom to what i see in my living space and bedroom. I want clean lines romantic in the bathroom. Elegant in the bedroom and sleek in the living space. I have looked on a few websites as well Ikea. Iv been pretty ok but up and till now i need something more grown up and when i have friends over i want then to feel very comfy and relaxed. My bathroom needs updating and the huge mirror needs to come down thats on the bathroom wall. It needs fresh paint. And areas were i can put things away so everything is not so out in the open. Id also like to re do the bedframe for a crisp look, I also plan on getting a love seat that turns into a bed for friends to sleep over. Id like to get also new lamps as well a new coffee table maybe with storage. I just want something new and grown up but stylish as well. It will take me a wile to get everything i need so each month i will get something piece by piece. Also id like to get new dishs and cutlery. And this of that sort so when i do move i will have everything i need. The Living space i will have a new tv something more updated as well a clean nice tv stand from Ikea i already picked one out. I'm very ecited to get everything rolling when i get back from the States. Also the medication for my puppy has now stopped but first thing first my dog comes first so when i get back from the states i have to find a vet that wont charge me through the roof. For my dogs tinckling problem i need to find out what else i can do for her. Because the medication has not compleatly cleared it up. But Im hopeful. Song Words by Madonna
The Thing About Becoming A Woman, & Not Staying In The Middle
July 24th, 2008 3:26 pm MDT
So i'm on msn just now and this guy messages me out of no where and starts talking just nasty about doing it with a tgirl. And then asks me a question about doing it with him. Now out of no wher ei have not spoken with this person in a long time. And i ask him how does he know i have a compleatly different mind set what if i have changed.The question is .... When do you know you have Changed and have set in stone your main goal.I had told him that thats not what im about. I no longer use my penis, I don't have sex i don't let anyone touch me down there and that im going to toronto in October for my assessment to get my SRS. Not that im getting the operation when im there but its in the works basicly.His reply back was well wile you wait do you think we could get together and mess around. Hes like you were so nice to me before and your so pretty. Just cause im nice and im pretty does not mean im going to throw away all my goals and put everything aside for what a night of a pointless frolk with some dude. And be so unhappy after that im discusted with my self.I once again told him its never going to happen i don't want that i don't use anything and basicly said to him that he should do me and him a favour by removing me off his msn. Then he went on to asking if i knew any other tgirls in Ottawa. I said no i then blocked him and that was that.What i don't understand is how can you call me pretty but then say lets do that. What a pretty girl can't have bigger goals for her self. This transition has been hard on me as for any other girl we have our struggles, melt downs tuff times and what not. But since being on the higher t blockers and just where i am in my life. I want more for my self my goals are becoming closer and reachible. I have no intrest in men who suck D*&K nore have an intrest in men who want A^%L sex. And above all that I HATE Reciving A$%L SEX. I have no intrest in sex and till i get my final operation and i meet the right guy. Im done with men and till im done with this transition.I have my dog and right now shes the best companion out there. And she loves me no matter what. if im sick shes there if i look under the wether she does not care. My friends are great and my family is well funny but there my family. I'm not looking for a relationship i don't need one right now im doing my own thing and thats whats most inportent i take my time for me serously. I'm not missing anything right now and i have everything i need.Men just complicate things. Make you over think crap and waste your time. So why bother i'll talk to men. But make it clean coversation i don't care about your pecker. and i don't care how high your sex drive is because nobody is going there with me. Also men that are into transsexuals pre-op i mean honestly i think there gay. Call me whatever but im more of a woman now then i think i ever have been before i know whats right for me and whats become so clear. No Men Means Less stress. And besides how many relationships really last.Maybe in my mid 30's to 40's but right now i have everything i need.TTYL Song The Way I Are - Timberland
My Shrink & Lazer / Entry for July 22, 2008
July 22nd, 2008 4:25 pm MDT
My Shrink & Lazer / Entry for July 22, 2008 So today i went to go see my shrink as well for my lazer hair removel. My session went well with my Dr i had told him about how im feeling lately about sex and that i don't want any of it. And the fact that i have bad dreams as i call them. Really there sex dreams but not the kind that i want to have. I guess now being in this transition and my goals are be coming closer as well dreams are coming true. Im further from sex. I don't want a man that sucks cock. nor do i want a man who wants to touch me down there. I am so far along from where i used to be. Funny enough it does not scare me at all. It just makes everything so much clearer. Having a defect is just something that is anoying now. But knowing that i can do something about it makes me feel really good. Right now it gets in the way of things. But later down the road it wont be a problem anymore. The dreams i have are not what i want and not something i enjoy having if anything it freaks me out. I also talk to him about men. Though id like to date someone the sex i do not want. I don't like anal sex it's not comfortable and i never truely liked it to begin with. As far as oral goes on me i don't want that ether. I just don't want sex period. Maybe once i get down there done but for right now im very content just doing my own thing. I have the best companion a wonderful dog that has done wonders for me. I had also talked about how i feel since i have been on the lower anti-depression meds and though i have days where i feel down its nothing i can't handle and though i may not leave the house because its to hot out or raining or whatever. My puppy makes me laugh and smile and everything is ok. I had also talked about that i want to go higher on the T Blockers and that i will have to talk to my Homrone Doctor for that. But they are doing there job for sure. I got what i needed to get off my chest and after the session was over i went next door to my Lazer lady. Lazer went well it did not hurt as much this time around i guess its because less hair or lower setting who knows. But i do know this my upper lip was not as puffy and the redness went away quicker then normally. All i wear now for foundation is a good powder it covers redness and scars. I like it and so happy i can wear just powder. I told the Lazer lady that i'll come in in September to start on my neck Its not a huge area thankfully but ya im very happy with lazer hair removel it works for sure. And lucky me i did not get cought in the rain. Weather people said it would rain LOL.
July 12 2008
July 14th, 2008 2:22 pm MDT
July 12 2008 So i got my passport in and it looks great. I also got a credit card and i already bought something with it on line. My limit is 500$ which is good. I need to build some credit so this is a good way to do it. However as soon as my statement comes in to pay for it, im going to pay it right away. Also i finished reading this great book called The Secret its like a self help book but better. So im learning not to have negative thoughts because what ever i think which turns into a thought goes out. Anyone who reads it will be more thoughtful when thinking thoughts. My brother is sorta homeless i feel bad for him but he needs to relize set plans before its to late. And he thinks renting a room you get everything included which is untrue. Some place's you rent a room thats all your rent. Anywho hes got some places in mind so i hope he gets something soon. Im very excited about going shopping in the US this Augest. Also i have heard back from the Dr about going to the Centre For Addiction & Mentle Health for my assessment in September. Now just waiting to find out when that month. Also going to take an art course in probably mid winter, a night course so im excited about that. Diva is doing really well i really want the medication to work so she stops tinkling. I love her to bits shes done alot for me. Shes gotton bigger and shes now 16 pounds but shes a healthy 16 pounds. I'm still really werided out by guys. I think because i don't have a sex drive anymore and that i don't want anyone touching me down there has just made me not want a guy at all. I mean i want a relationship but i want one as a female compleated not the way i am now because i know those types of guys that like pre-op's like the dick factor and i just can't stand to be with someone like that. It's funny i never thought id be like that the way i am now and i so am. I don't even like talking to people like that who like that. It's so funny but iv changed in the way i think. I used to think i like having a (penis) its fine i find enjoyment out of it and so on. And now i can't wait till its gone. Is it that i want better for my self, I want to be treated better. I can't even be bothered in talking to men that want sex. And i think its because im done with that side of my self and or side of that life. It's lonely when guys can't take you out in public or they have to much going on or or or. I'm glad i have my dog im not as lonely anymore, though id like to meet someone that has the same things in life that want the same things and that loves pets. Im going for my last lazer treatment this month on my lip which is great. And then probaly in September i'll start under my chin and finish off my face. Im taking each day at a time. Thats all i can do right. Positive thoughts and thinking and loving. Lana
Raquel Welch / Entry for July 10, 2008
July 10th, 2008 5:30 pm MDT
Raquel Welch / Entry for July 10, 2008 This is one woman that still looks great and if she has used some sort of nip tuck she still looks like her self. I have to say as well her wig line is fab. I had bought a wig through www.wigs.com and it was well worth the money to have something that looks so real and move just like real that anyone off the street could not notice it not be. I had got it for the summer hot days. My hair is growing in nicely but hay i thought if i wear a wig it will be of the up most realistic looking as much as possible. Plus i mean look at Requel She has alot of great wig styles she wheres on a regulor basis. WORK IT OUT GIRL
Passport & Credit Card
July 9th, 2008 12:12 pm MDT
I am so happy to say that my passport finally came in and now i have it. Now i can go places lol. If anyone wants to invite me some where now i can go hehehe. Id love to visit many citys and so forth so im very happy. Also my mastercard came in i feel like a grown up now lol. I don't have any credit so now i will bebale to build some. Which will do wonders for me in the long run. Also if i can't aford somehting on my own then i wont swipe the card inless i can pay for it wiht out the card. Its funny on the weekend i went through all my child hood things what i should keep what i should sell in our garage sale this month. I was able to free up 2 contaners and started packing some of my stuffed bears and so forth that i have had since a kid. It was odd the 2 i slept with since before getting my puppy are now packed a way. I'm finally growing up lol.
I am happy to hear / Entry for July 04, 2008
July 4th, 2008 4:08 pm MDT
I am happy to hear / Entry for July 04, 2008 CAMH (Centre For Addiction and Mentle Health) So i am so happy to say that i finally heard from Dr. Suzanne Hoyte. I had emailed Maxin about getting my Assessment done for my SRS. Anywho i had emailed Maxin today to see if i could get Suzanne's email addy. Well i emailed her and this is what she wrote back. Lana: good afternoon yes I did receive the email that you sent to Maxine. I have pulled your file. The team will not be meeting until the week of july 21st at this time hopefully I will be able to present your request and receive a follow-up appointment date. We have a lot of requests. So please bear with us. Is there a preferrance when in September? Thank you and have a good weekend. Suzanne Hoyte I did email her back saying when in September. It did not suprise me when she said they have a lot of requests. I can just imagine im not suprised at all ether. I'm deffently excited about it and that everything is coming together. I also have started reading the book The Secret. I think everyone should take a read to it. Its not a long book but it makes alot of sense.
Martini's At The Honest Lawyer / Entry for July 03, 2008
July 3rd, 2008 11:30 am MDT
Martini's At The Honest Lawyer / Entry for July 03, 2008 So last night i went to the Honest Lawyer for drinks with a few friends. It was $5 dollor martini night every Wednesday night. I had 2 one was a berry one and the other was a Caramel Apple so yummy really great. So I was talking to my friend Heather and her sister Jen last night and they went dancing at some club that does Salsa dancinjg and music. So were gonna plan a dance night sometime in Augest so im deffently looking forword towords that. I had a good time for sure. When i went to catch the bus the 86 bus was late that sorta bugged me but it was fine. And then when i got off the bus and started walking home this dude on a bike was riding behind me sorta freaked me out so i turned off my ipod and then i cut cross some grass and then i saw this girl walking and i looked back and the guy i guess rode off. I am never out past 10pm these days. But i had a good time next time im taking a cab LOL.
TALL GIRL CLOTHING AND SHOE STORE
June 30th, 2008 11:40 am MDT
TALL GIRL CLOTHING AND SHOE STORE / Entry for June 30, 2008 So i went shopping today i bought this cute pair of indigo red shoes they were on sale for $100 bucks there all leather and they fit so perfectly so i had to buy them. Hell normally i buy shoes at payless but this time around i just had too. And then i bought a pair of jeans they were on sale as well so comfy there not skinny jeans there like normal kind. Perfect size and fit. I had gone to The Rideau Centre today but saw nothing i liked. And then i met my dad down town and got a ride home. So happy i have another pair of jeans and new shoes. Yay.
Stupid People
June 26th, 2008 5:02 pm MDT
Its funny, Iv talked to some people on the net for a few years but the ones that live in the same city as me they would never meet. Its like too taboo or some shit. The fact that some men will sleep with you because they want too but to hang out in public they could never. Im so glad im at a different place in my life where i just can't talk to people like that anymore. Its wasted time and really there loosing out on knowing really amazing wonderful people. But once i get my final operation i wont have to worry about those types of men that treat people like that exspecailly TS.
Becoming wiser / Entry for June 24, 2008
June 24th, 2008 4:39 pm MDT
Becoming wiser / Entry for June 24, 2008 So funny enough i have be come more wiser at my age. Then again i am getting closer to 29 and then 30 is not to far away. My family as in both my parents and my self are getting pretty sick and tired of my brother who is 32 soon to be 33. Were tired of all his lies and the crap that keeps coming out of his mouth. When my Mom was in for her second knee operation as well as her first one did my brother show up to visit her there at all. NO. Hes very selfish and only thinks of him self. I can funny enough admit when im wrong and that i have been needy in the past and so forth. But for him never. I wrote him an email last night. And as my parents both have said it was very well writin. However when he wrote back it was all nasty. He never got the point of what i said. We are drifting apart and i think its for the better for right now. Were at too different parts in out lives and for right now its for the better. I just wish he would wake up out of his bubble. But that may never happen. I feel like iv become such a different person over the last little wile and its such a great thing. My Bestfriend is moving back to Ottawa in july sometime. I had asked him to promis me 1 thing. That when we go to a club if it can be not a gay club. Im tired of having 1 gay person tell me im a man every time i step into a gay club. Its not all the time but 85% of the time i hear something and its just not making me comfortable. They really need to be more open minded or at the very least read a book. I don't have any problems at straight bars. And for once id like it if my gay friends could do me that little thing by going with me to one. My 2 gay friends there a couple i told them last time we got together. Next time we hang out we have to go to a straight bar or club. Its a 2 way street. Im confident in my self and i know i'll be more accepted. I live a really straight life but hanging out with gay friends it only makes sense if they can go where i want to go as well. I don't want to go to a straight club to pick up. I want to go for the music the atmosphere and to have a good time. Also i have removed so many people off my msn and facebook that i feel lighter. I can't explane it but i feel i guess in one word AMAZING. Its such a nice feeling to know that all the shit and crap i have gone through in my life it has made me who i am today. As well i have basicly givin up sex. I don't want anyone to touch me down there touch it and die lol. I want a meaningful relationship with someone i want to be with. Im not letting my self go to just anyone anymore. Now that i respect my body and who i am i just can't lower my self into what i used to do. Not that sex is bad its just not for me at this point in my life. I will wait till i meet someone great. And they will have to work for it in the sense im not giving up me and till i know there the right person. As for now im living my life to the fullest and very happy where my life is going. Live life to the fullest. Charish your body your soul and your sprit. Lana
No More Smoking / Entry for June 22, 2008
June 24th, 2008 9:00 am MDT
No More Smoking / Entry for June 22, 2008 I have quit smoking weed, I don't get anything out of it plus its not healthy and i feel great so why do something as stupid as that. Its not for me anymore and im a much better person for not doing it plus taking anti-depression meds its not good to smoke weed. Also my father and i picked today to quit smoking cigs. Im wearing the patch to start so far so good. I want to live a healthy life. Im eating much less im doing my crunchs and walking my dog. I really feel great.
Cutting all ties With Men Who Are After 1 Thing / Entry for June 16, 2008
June 16th, 2008 5:39 pm MDT
So I have done a lot of work on my self and what things I need in my life and things I do not need and 1 of the things I do not need is men who are after one thing. That my friend is (SEX) Since being on my higher T Blockers I have realized I'm not a huge sexual person which is fine. I no longer use my wet noodle as one of my friends calls it. As do I. I don't want someone to want me because of that factor and honestly I just want to be like every other woman. For years now I have always kept in touch with 2 guys I have fooled around with. I also know a Lady who slept with 1 of them a few years back. And much after crap happened between her and I though were somewhat good now. I had still kept in contact with him. Not so smart on my end. However I have now set the guy free. Im very polite now then when I was about letting guys know I'm no longer interested and have said to a few we shall now depart and go our separates ways. I have no interest in men that want a fantasy thing or to (go down) on me. I have no interest of men who want anal (done on them) I have no interest of sex friends. I no longer look for men really and though I do have 1 or 2 postings on sites I have no high hopes in meeting anyone off the internet. I just want to live a simple life like I have been doing and if I meet someone great and worth a second of my time then that's great too. But I have so much going on in my life and things I want to get accomplished. I really don't have time for men. And in this stage in my life I don't fret if (men) don't call. An till I finish this transition I know I will always get creeps and losers, really odd men bug me. But I do know something else, When I get down there done and made into something amazing I will then deal with different kinds of creeps and losers and odd men. Nothing will really change except I will no longer be part of the fantasy world. Or the Chicks with dicks area. I will just be able to live my life whole complete and in a way normal LOL. Id like to be able to wear under wear with out having to worry about a bump and hiding something I really don't want. I want to be able to wear a bathing suit and be able to wear one. I want my ID to say Female. And when I look in the mirror naked before showering I want to see nothing but what I was given and not something iv had to deal with. Im Happy now but I'm not complete yet. Though cutting those ties with those men is a big lift from my shoulders and a nice feeling to see them free from my life. There will always be things we don't like in our life however you can do something about them. And Im FREE. Lana P.s. The photo of the flowers I took a month or two ago. I'm really enjoying taking photo's of nature.
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