URNotAlone

Difficult Being Different

March 4th, 2009 12:38 pm MST

It takes allot to recognize your different and then more to embrase that fact.  I realized I was different from all my male cousins and brothers early on when I didn't have any interest in sports and just wanted to "hang with" the girls.  I wanted to do all the things the girls did and really wanted to dress like them.  My parents did not share my enthusiasm with my feminine identity.  Althought not made to feel bad about some of my feminine behaviours, I was reminded that "Boys don't do this or that and Boys don't wear this or that."  By the time I was 16 i had developed a strong since of wanting to be identified as a girl and wore my hair long, got my ears peirced, and dressed in vibrant collors.  I got a summer job and spent almost all my money on dresses, shoes, makeup, and girls undies.  My mom hid this from my dad and had a long talk with me about how she hoped I wasn't gay.  I didn't know what I was, but knew I wasn't a "regular guy."  I started going out dressed as a girl by the time I was 17 years old and frequented bars and clubs i could get into.  Mostly they were Gay bars but I did go to a couple of "New Wave" bars that seemed to be excited about boys in makeup.  I gave my first blow job to a guy I met in one of those bars, in the back seat of his car and felt shame about it for a long time.  Accepting i was different was healthy for me and allowed me to be OK with who I was.  It wasn't till I move from home and relocated that i found out their were lots of people like me.  I had started identifying with the girls I saw in the French Quarters that were Female Impersonators or TS Hookers and I didn't exactly fit in with them.  I'd  never met anyone like me and felt like i was the only person like me in the world.  I learned i was a member of a large, world wide group.  So today, i'm older, wiser and fill out my dress better.  I love who I am and don't want to change who I am.  Those that accept me love me and those that don't are missing out on a good person.  I accept i'm different than lots of guys but I am just like thousands of other guys.