Journal Entries for Ellie Ferch Amser
Tough being broke
September 13th, 2010 10:54 am MDT
Oh Drat! Someone has a crush on me and extras--such as subscriptions here--aren't in the budget. Still, secret admirers are a lift. Thanks, whoever...
Quiet
November 12th, 2009 8:15 pm MST
Neither saying nor doing much, just fighting off the black funks. I know it is unproductive to crawl into a shell, but there it is. Just have to crawl back out.
Are we OK here?
June 22nd, 2009 6:58 pm MDT
We had further discussion--finally--on crossdressing here over the weekend. This was overdue, but interrupted by a number of strange happenings on both sides on the aisle. The chief characteristic turned out to be my spouse's nearly complete indifference to my activities.
This is helped, beyond all doubt, by the modest nature of my objectives. I've been introduced to a quiet and discreet club whose activities are quite benign and do no harm to anyone. That is about my speed at the moment. I do not dress overtly in front of my wife. Although much of my everyday attire is femme, it's one thing to wear women's boot-cut jeans and sneakers every day, and another to wear skirts and heels. It is foolishness to push the envelope. And I dress very conservatively en femme, for no other reason than it makes me comfortable.
I'm cautious because she has had a past tendency to "stuff" emotional issues, which can come boiling out at inappropriate moments. She's hurt quite a few people that way, not just me. At the same time, I'm optimistic. She ended the day by calling my attention to the features of her new handbag, at first with some diffidence, and gradually with confidence as my interest encouraged her.
One can but hope.
Go figure
May 8th, 2009 6:44 pm MDT
Under this roof, we follow the principle of "don't ask, don't tell," in certain aspects of the relationship. After 38 years, you learn that the premise of "total honesty" is a shade naive.
There was a slight breach of the protocol at the start of the week, owing to my failure to second-guess Gmail. What I thought would lead to a serious blow-up resulted in a style compliant. I can live with most of the resolutions. Some compromise is in order, but where there's a will, there's a way.
I'm just not sure that getting my hair styled where her boyfriend goes is within the range of acceptability.
Made my day
May 3rd, 2009 12:19 pm MDT
Actually, this made my week. I was at a church rummage sale yesterday as my usual genderqueer self when I had to go to the men's.
As I turned to leave, the door opened and this guy came in. He paused, looked confused, then embarrassed. He said, "I'm sorry, is this the men's room?"
With a very big smile I said "yes it is," and left. My normal voice is a high tenor so that probably didn't help his confusion.
For a girl fretting about her appearance, nothing could have been better. I also scored two pairs of charming retro clip-on earrings and a very cool necklace for $3 total.
Another cameo
April 22nd, 2009 6:49 pm MDT
A brief appearance. I bought another wig. I'm still trying to decide whether I like it (the red-brown is a tad silly at my age) and how I should wear it. At least the thing more or less fits.
The wig quest is fueled partly by being on the cusp of getting truly out at last. I like my own hair best, but since I live in it and my aging genderqueer self 24/7, there is no chance of looking like anyone but who I am in makeup. That's quite the threshold to cross.
Maybe there should be more of these
March 21st, 2009 6:06 pm MDT
Journal entries, I mean. I've grown too old to be amused by the gaming that ends up having the unwilling put in unpaid weekend time to make some kind of dumbass point about motivation.
Today, such a last minute requirement fucked up a date.
That rather put me over the edge at...well, another place. Knowing the mentality there I just threw up my hands and pulled the plug on the account. I did that after sending the bad news to my intended date as soon as I knew. The general outlook there about such things is paranoia, so reasonable explanations are pointless. A few months hence I may slip back and have a look round. However, around here people seem less demanding and less needy, and I appreciate that.
I begin to think that terms like "out" and "contact" may be forever out of reach. It's frustrating to have worked oneself up to actually meet someone and have one's hopes dashed. I should know. Being out and about requires free time as well as resolve and, perhaps, a little disposable income. I have no free time, and when I have the free time I won't have the income.
What use is the resolve, then? I'll just redecorate the closet.
New Years' Resolution
December 31st, 2008 10:26 am MST
Will be to do more entries, comments elsewhere and take another stab at chat. I won't make a "going out" resolution though. That will happen when it's ready to happen. There's no lack of opportunity around here.
test
December 18th, 2008 6:12 pm MST
test as requested. Which is my moment to comment that I'm trying to decide whether that white wig is worth keeping.
Untitled Post
December 8th, 2008 9:42 am MST
Added a photo, now up and approved, with the new white wig. I'm amusing myself with life as a semi-shut-in with such experiments. I think it's time to edge out of the lesbian academic conservative style and try a bit more colour. Not least of my criticisms of the new photo is that it's too bland. I hoped for better things from that scarf.
I've also found out (D'oh! read the details!) that Glamour Boutique has wigs in my size. There is one near enough for travel when I get a bit better, and I'll have to look into that.
Way too long
December 7th, 2008 2:25 pm MST
I'm struggling with the URNA photo standards to post another photo. Taking them has led to two breakthroughs. One, I need to open up more on clothes. The trans-lesbian androgynous academic look is fine for everyday, but its time for a little colour and shape. Two, I read a simple beard-hiding tip and OMG it works! An orangy blush over my Almay TLC foundation and voila! no blue. Fabulous!
A brief note
August 7th, 2008 4:13 pm MDT
It has been a busy life lately, and that has kept me from making any entries or even looking about much. This too is a brief interlude. Tomorrow I get shoulder surgery, good in the long run, nothing to look forward to in the short run. The pain is no problem, for reasons I might get into eventually. Drugs? I'm a child of the 60s, I'm OK with the drugs. The idea of possibly spending 24 hours with the dry heaves does not appeal at all: not ladylike. Then there's the several weeks of being able to do almost nothing with the affected limb. That is awkward. However, when I can punch keys and shove a mouse about, I shall return.
How unsporting!
July 18th, 2008 6:33 pm MDT
We can't post entries to our own guestbooks! I suppose there's a critical mass of folk whose vanity would carry them away, and entice them into offering fulsome praise to themselves. They're spoilsports: what about those of us who would take the opportunity to make their self-criticism a global affair? I'm waiting for more news on a store I just heard of. All it needs to get my business are corsets that are attractive, authoritative, and reasonably priced. Not like I want much.
A random request...and an observation
July 12th, 2008 8:54 am MDT
First the request. I'd be interested in hearing from anyone north of Boston or downtown who can recommend someplace trans-friendly (for lack of a better term) to get one's hair cut. This business of going to the usual salon and getting a "guy with long hair" cut (no matter what you ask for) is getting frustrating. At this rate, someday I'll walk out with a mullet ;) Odd how few of us wear our own hair, unless committed to transitioning. The observation. I saw a local woman this morning who frequently dresses in a male kilt, hose, man's shirt and tie. The double standard that endorses women in male clothing can be a nuisance. On the other hand, I've swapped messages with some other androgynous folk and it's true that this double standard is very enabling for us. It did strike me the other day that it can be rather "Victor-Victoria" in reverse. Instead of a woman* dressing like a man dressing like a woman, one may be a man dressing like a woman dressing like a man. Still, it would be nice to have enough latitude to go out shopping in a cool linen skirt on a day like this. *All terms in this statement refer to birth gender for convenience's sake
Double yaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 10th, 2008 4:29 pm MDT
Oh, those two scary digits! Still, I feel OK, I like my exploration, and life in general could be (and has been) much worse. Thank you all for the birthday wishes and nice comments: they are most encouraging.
Yaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 8th, 2008 7:00 pm MDT
Tonight seems to be the attack of the HTML monsters here. I would not mind this normally, except that I've been on a rush job the past couple of days in which these beasties figured prominently. Worse, they won! I'm a little too old to go cry in the corner at the sight of more script, but it is soo tempting. Wavering toward that top level membership so I can spew out my own script in weak moments.
Sound familiar?
June 27th, 2008 6:01 pm MDT
What makes the memory of past purges even more regrettable is knowing that, today, one could probably not get into most of the things one threw out. Except the shoes: I really miss some of the shoes.
Body Anxiety
June 24th, 2008 5:06 pm MDT
If I succumbed to poor body image, I'd succumb, period. I read someone's profile the other night and she was a touch concerned about long arms. Not my problem, dears. However, I have a ridiculously large head: bet you didn't know such a thing as a size 7 7/8 hat even existed! Kinder people suggest that such a large head must have something in it. You can guess what the less kind think.It does make wigs a serious challenge. A total custom job is out of range: most of the really nice ones stop several sizes short of my reality. I make do with cosplay wigs with nearly infinitely adjustable wig caps, or my own head of hair, creatively managed,
Connecting
June 22nd, 2008 6:16 pm MDT
Joanna suggests that journal entries are likely to be a better way to interact than the chat room. That's good on two levels. First is that I need little encouragement to stay out of chat rooms, for reasons I've already mentioned. Second, when one does journals, blogs and the like, one feels that one is talking to oneself sometimes. It's nice to know other people are reading.I'm already too prone to talking to myself, and it's not age: I've always done it. Now I've found a new way to make that habit useful. The first way has been to play my language CDs while driving, which entails a certain amount of backchat with the speaker. The new way, now that I've been reading up on developing a more feminine voice, is to practice that in the car. Tenors have certain advantages in this task. Our natural voice range overlaps the female alto range. This means one has to concentrate mainly on using the upper registers of one's own voice. It's a first step of course, since the question of vocal timbre is much harder to tackle. Still, I'd hate to be a bass and doing this.
Great Marketing, Ladies
June 21st, 2008 1:42 pm MDT
As the profile says, I'm exploring, in part to decide if I want to move up a membership notch. The tea leaves aren't all that encouraging so far. I've made a few civil comments as I've browsed, with little response and none nearby. OK, so one can pursue that a bit more. Last night, I slipped into the chat lobby for my first extended observation. Not good. In the first place, despite the presence of 40 some-odd people, at least half members, not ONE thought to say hello to a newcomer. I've seen this before, not just in chat rooms. It is like herding cats to get any group of sexually different people to take notice of newcomers, much less welcome them with friendly courtesy. In my surfing, I noticed one group where this sort of civility is a requirement. Seems worth looking into. In the second, I hadn't been in the room five minutes when someone entered the room with a breezy greeting, only to be slapped down by a self-important bitch with an overnourished sense of entitlement, The slapper had, until the greeting, been very busy trying to control the conversation. See? You learn a lot when you listen instead of talking. What I learned was that URNA chat is far too much like chat nearly anywhere else. Should there be any owners or mod-types reading, you might want to work a bit harder at making new people welcome. Many of us are hesitant and shy enough without being shown the door by some chat room queen the minute we step inside. Is that how we act at clubs, too? A lot of people like to speak of sexually different groups as "communities." The biological reality is that this community needs people to feel comfortable enough to join, and welcome once they do. Otherwise, it has no future.
