tanya corinne carpenter
"sad week, sleeping under table"
Journal Entries for tanya corinne carpenter
Untitled Post
September 2nd, 2008 5:34 pm MDT
i'll do some more editing on this later as memories come back. Suffice it to say this weekend was a total sensory overload that i will be a while processing... And in two weeks i will meet Mark face to face. More on that it develops. So far, this weekend has been one to remember. i didn't go home to see the family. This is what i did instead.Started off my Friday with a surprise call from Trisha, seems the whole burning man thing burned her and she ended up staying home instead. Thus my quiet Friday night was no more. i packed up quickly when i got home (and forgot my shoes and dvd player, but... spoilers)and headed out. i had recopped my "green anti depressants" and felt oh so much better when i arrived at my familiar parking lot downtown, been there so many times hte attendant recognized me and didn't seem to care that i was TS. Once upstairs, Trisha and i relaxed over a few bowlers and planned the evening. It started by going out to dinner at this great place that serves anorexic portions at slightly elevated prices, but the ambiance and the plethora of cute women made it worth the visit. The mongolian beef was the best i've tasted in a long time and all the fish and crab dishes were fresh as could be, as well as delicious. With beer the whole meal topped $80 or so (with the tip), but as i said, there were lots of pretty girls there and we were just two more. Ended up back at her place for a short nap (actually she passed out on the couch and i slept in the chair at the kitchen table), then ran off to the 740 club for final call. We stayed after the bar closed and watched the scene for a while. i was surprised how quickly crowds thin when alcohol is cut off. A much more well mannered group too. Trisha danced for a bit, she is fun to watch, very graceful, very agile.We walked back to her flat, a bonus of having a close by club (no dui is the lists topper) and crashed on the futon. Next morning found us out and about, shopping for shoes, espadrilles specifically, but anything else would work. Didn't find what i was looking for, but did get 3 pair of really cute shoes, suitable for work or service. At least i had shoes my Dom would find sexy, but the espidrilles would have been the bee's knees baby. Sir Perceval loves rope bondage and the straps up my calves would have really turned him on.Got out of L.A. just in time to see another friend and wish a happy labor day, then i was off to meet my dom at a hotel for the weekend. i did my best to make sure everything was perfect, even arrived 10 minutes early. i registered and paid for the room and was ready when Sir Perceval arrived, BUT, (Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!!!!!!) i forgot the DVD player. i promised to bring it and forget it in its bag with my shoes. Perry was not pleased and i was punished for it. Even now every time i bend or turn, the seam of my panties rubs the slightly rope burned spot underneath and i remember his words. i will not forget anything next time. He had to go back and get his player. He also brought his RF converter when we discovered that the tv set had only an antenna connection; my dvd would still be useless. We got settled in and i got my first of 3 enemas, then my second, finally my third. It was uncomfortable to say the least, but Sir Perceval expects me to be clean, so if he had ordered me to, i would have dropped to my knees and placed my face on the floor and waited for another. Once clean, we dressed and went out to the first dungeon party. i was dressed in my black fetish dress with fishnet stockings, a metal belt provided by my Dom, black shoes with a 2 inch heel (making me about 6'3"), my curly hair wig,black leather wristband and my slut collar.On the way, we stopped at a 99 cent store to purchase a thong for me (Sir Perceval likes thongs)and what a time it was. i am certain that people were stopping and staring, wondering what planet they had been suddenly transported to as we passed. i waited in line while Sir waited for me near the door and observed. Once i had paid and we were walking out the door, he commented that a really cute little blond in line was giving me the evil eye as we waited. He was amused, remarking that the girl was pissed because i was so damned hot and slutty and she couldn't compete. What a mind blower. i never, i repeat NEVER imagined i could successfully pass, and now there are g girls out there ready to arch me. i am not out to try and out do anyone, i only wish to live as i am. 'Nuf said, eh? We got to the dungeon as it got dark and i spent the rest of my time in a half daze. i met lots of people and got flogged by the king of floggers. OMG!! It felt so good. Perry learned something from this incredible man, that's for certain. Ate lots of food and donated to a good cause too. Too many transgendered people have to battle for their rights to care for family, keep their children and inherit what is rightfully theirs and all of this suffering comes at the hands of a few small minded people. So a group was formed to help them (me, us, whatever)keep from being ground under the "wheels of justice", a nobel cause to take up. i wish i could tell more, but after the best flogging ever enjoyed, i was sort of out of it. but we did go back to the hotel where i got chained to the bed and well, i'll leave that to your imagination, suffice it to say the neighbors didn't sleep until we did.AND we slept. Sweet it was. when i awoke, i got to grab the sheets and scream some more, then after a quick shower, we went out to IHOP and had a wonderful breakfast. i was sooooo hungry, the food i had eaten the night before long since metabolized; feed the machine. i ate everything on my plate(s) and still felt a little hungry, but it was time to go get coffee, relax, fuck and get ready for the party at the sanctuary. We started to watch a movie (Flesh and Blood which was very good, what i saw of it) but the rape scene set me off to a bad place, and i recalled what i wish never happened. Not as bad as before, but it left me very shaken and unhappy for a while, but Perry was there and helped me get through it. i missed the rest of the movie too, Perry said the part where the girl shoved a burning branch ( fresh out of the fire) up her would be rapists ass would have been a high point in the movie for me (a little vicarious revenge for me perhaps? i really wanted to hunt down my own rapist and kill him in the most horrible and agonizing way i could imagine, but time has tempered my anger and now i am content knowing that someday he will run into the wrong girl, one with a penchance for fire)and i probably would have enjoyed the rest of it then. However, i was an emotional wreck by then and in no mood to do anything at all, so Perry had me start my rituals (shower, shave, makeup, etc.) so i would be ready to go in time. (sigh) perhaps later i will watch that movie again, and not freak out. i am sure it would please my Dom as much as it would me; for now, i will battle my demons as i am best able to.i was feeling rather melancholy when we arrived at the party and think that Sir Perceval (in spite of my assurances that i was going to be fine) and perhaps even Paula (who attended as well) could feel it. i ate what i could and enjoyed serving MY Dom, the evening passed in a pleasant haze of people and scenes. When the party quieted down, Perry took me to a room in back, roped me in a body harness and tied me down. We started a scene, however, when the blindfold went on, i went away to a place that was dark and frightening. there was no one to help me and they were coming. i couldn't see and i could not get away and started to cry and fight. Suddenly i could see again and Perry was there, smiling and telling me i was safe and everything was going to be okay.He untied me from the table and from that point things made little sense until we were back at the hotel room. i sort of remember sitting next to him as he talked with the other party goers, out side i think, and i made coffee and Paula and Vickie were there and we talked but i am not sure wat about. ThenPerry was asking me if i wanted to go back to the party and i told him i would do whatever he wished and he said, "No, i want to know what You want. Now tell me, do You want to go back to the party or back to our room?" i wanted to go back to our room, Perry did also so we went back. Perry did me until i said "uncle", then left me collared and chained to the floor to rest until he was ready for my finale. As i drifted off to sleep with my head on his chest, i said, "i love You." He deserves to know how exceptional he is and how i really feel.This morning came too soon, i wished i could have served him until my vacation was over but he is busy and has other things to do. He did sit me down and tell me that there were going to be times where for no reason i would fell very sad, probably want to cry too. He said it was okay to feel that way and to cry if i wanted to, that all the crap that has been buried for so long is being churned and working its way to the surface and this was a way of getting it out of my system. He really like me and treats me so well, why can't other men be more like him or at least a few men? OYE! We cleaned up and packed and with a big kiss, went on our ways. hope this happens again, and again, i feel so happy to be a woman when i am with and serving him... i drove home, checked the house, got some gas and am now at Eve's. Maybe Connie will play with me tomorrow.We'll see.until then do what You can, but behave Yourself.love, Tanya
limits are not always
August 27th, 2008 12:46 am MDT
Just a quick note, Master Perry demonstrated to me this weekend that my self imposed limits are not by any means my true limits. i went through a good flogging and cropping withstanding much more than i ever imagined before i broke down and started crying. Interestingly enough, the memories and emotions of my rape surfaced with the tears and slowly faded as my physical pain dissipated while Sir Perceval held and comforted me. These feelings are by no means gone, however now, i can look at the rape and see all the anger and betrayl, humiliation and rage and say to myself, "Wow, this all really blew dens of rabid badger." with out being overcome or controlled by this past event. It is uncomfortable and a little strange, but gives me a starting point to explore this horror with my therapist without flying off the handle during the discussion. i am by no means better or well or any such rot, but i do feel a certain quiet peace that i never in my life expirienced. Perhaps this weekend our further play will allow me to start unravelling some more of my past and prep me for the inevitable confronting and dealing steps that will hopefully bring some balance and control in my life. i never really understood the BDSM scene, but now that i am serving Perry i am discovering that it's is much more than anyone on the outside could imagine. i recall looking at pictures of girls (and guys) being bound and put through what looked to be terrrible tortures at the hands of thier masters and mistresses, only to be smiling and hugging thier doms in the final photos of the session. It made me wonder until i expirienced a session first hand. At the parrty i was at, Master Perry and i did a scene in which i was tied to a saw horse, fucked with a dildo while i struggled and screamed, only to be untied and jack marched by my hair to a more private room to be "beast fucked". Holy Moley, it was incredible, i have never felt such a wonderful mixture of pleasure and pain in my life and when it was all over i emerged from the room to see many very concerned faces staring back. Imagine thier surprise when i ran to Master Perry as he came back with water for us both and with a huge smile on my face, hugged and kissed him and nearly started laughing. i understand now that he will hurt me at times, but never harm me and i surely trust him with my life. i really like him a lot and those feelings are rapidly deepening. This Labor day we will get together and have even more fun, i enjoy the sensual feeling of the nylon rope he ties my body with and the way he touches me and controls me. i really love serving him and hope this will go on for a long time to come. On top of that all, the sex is so incredible, it is more intense and more often than i ever had in my 10 years of marriage, my exwife spent her time not only hurting me, but harming me as well. (sigh) Just one more abusive period in my life to deal with she is. But i survived and with therapy and Perrys help and care (and pain[grin]) i will eventually look back on those terrible Years and not have to deal with the albatross left hanging about my neck. My therapist calls it post traumatic stress disorder. Perry saw that in me and thanks to him (as well as Trisha, who set me up for a dinner with my now therapist, and Sara, my bestest tgirlfriend and soul mate, who made me really understand the importance of getting the help i so desperately needed) i am on the road to a better life. i can never repay any of my friends for the wonderful things they have done for me, so i will appreciate and make good use of the precious gift i have been given and will do whatever i can for them whenever i am able to show my thankfulness for a shot at a good life. Well, that's all for now and i 'd better close before i lose the router i am piggybacking on to post this update. I love You Sir Perceval. I love You Trisha. I especially love You Sara, my soulmate from past and future lives too. And i hope that all the girls going through transition hook up with such wonderful people as these themselves. This is a long uncertain Journey and each and evryone of us deserve all the happiness that life has to offer. I will post again soon, but until then, do what You can, but behave Yourself. love and kisses from Master Perrys littls pain slut, tanya
Sister Sister
August 20th, 2008 2:58 am MDT
Oh what a day today was. i finally saw my sister for the first time as her sister. That's right, up until now she never saw me in girl mode, we have been apart since i went 24/7. Had to say i was so nervous when i told her about my transition 3 months back. My brother took a long while to get used to me and i was so afraid that my sister would freak when she found out. The exact opposite was true. She was so exicted to know that i was finally "out" and said she knew all my life that i was a girl. She now has another sister and couldn't be happier. We met over at the Marriot ihn S.D. where she was staying with her friend for a couple days and the three of us sat over a drink and recounted our life events the last few years. It was borderline surrealistic, sitting and chatting as though i has always been "little sis", laughing about times past and admiring each others clothes. And i finally got to do the one thing i had longed to do for so long... Hug her and say, "i am so sorry for all the bad things i did to You in the past." Her reply was, "don't worry, that's all over. i just glad You are here." followed by, "I am so proud of You." That simple statement could bring a tear to even the most hardened heart and it brought a slough of happy tears to mine. After all theses years, the hatchet is buried and we can start a whole new relationship on a level i never dreamed could possibly happen. Such pivotal moments in life are rare indeed and one of this magnitude is almost unheard of, and i was oh so fortunate to be the unworthy recipient of this great and precious gift. Not many people get a second chance of this nature and i for one will appreciate and treasure this moment for all my life and lives to come. So often we get caught up in the glamour and glitz of the world and forget just how important and necessary friends and family are in our lives until it is too late; regret is all that's left. This time though, regret's gonna pass me by, as it ought to for everyone. This time, i have the opportunity of a lifetime to appreciate and cherish the one thing in life that i have always longed for. My sister. God is so wonderful and mysterious in His ways and i for one will happily stand up and testify to His undying love and kindness to even the worst sinner that ever walked the face of this Earth. i speak of myself, of course. I will praise Him forever, He brought me back my sister. What greater gift could there be? i hope that all my sisters out there will be blessed the same way i have been. This is a tough enough journey as it is, i pray that You all never surrender, never give up until we have all crossed the finish line. Remember, do what You can, but behave yourself. all my love and more, tanya
my first post
August 8th, 2008 3:46 pm MDT
is a post to see if this even works before i pour out my heart and it fails to post
© 1995-2008 URNotAlone.com, All Rights Reserved. All items © Copyright by their respective owners, used here with their consent.
Page generated in 0.05 seconds
