Journal Entries for Raven
my demons, my regrets, and my attempt to move forward
September 10th, 2011 8:53 pm MDT
I don't want to whine at all. I swear, promise, and everything else that guarantees you that I'm telling the truth. I've been having such sinking feelings about my transition. Overally, I don't doubt the legitimacy of my decision. I don't doubt that I would indeed live a happier life (even if only a little) as a girl. But so many things fester in my mind and my heart that it's hard to think about my transition without a sinking feeling.
Mainly, I feel deep regret about not having transitioned before. Since an early age, I have imposed other people's expectations into my mind. Becoming a girl would have been out of the question, despite the fact that it was my heart's greatest desire. Indeed, I would wish I could go to sleep and wake up a girl. But even those feelings in the purer parts of my heart felt wrong. I felt that God hated me for feeling these things. I felt like God would hate me forever if I became a girl. And if God hated me, everyone else would too.
The look on my Mom's face when she found out I was crossdressing haunted me. The look that made me feel like I wasn't even her son anymore. I could only imagine how she'd look if I were to transtion to be a full-time girl.
That, on top of me befriending so many male friends who would no doubt ostricize me. I dug myself so deep into a male role, just for acceptance, just to feel like I was living my life right.
All this time, however, I was a perfectly normal girl, with a few quirks that just made her special. Not a freak of nature, an abomination, or a sub-human monster. In reality, I am beautiful young lady, for what I am on the inside, not the outside.
Now after hitting rock bottom, becoming distant from all my good friends and family, and feeling incredibly lonely, now I make the decision to transition. But not having had the courage to transition until I felt like I had no one in my life but my girlfriend (who accepts me, by the way) feels wrong. Without my friends and the people who have stuck by me my whole life, will my transition be purely cosmetic? Certainly, in my heart it feels more like a spiritual change, but if I carry around the loneliness of distancing myself from everyone, and the secrecy of my new lifestyle, how will I ever be at peace?
Regret is not fun. I regret not having the courage to do this before. I regret being so easily intimidated into being someone I'm not. If I had only done this sooner, it'd be a lot easier, and it'd go a lot smoother. I had such an unrealistically bleak look on the world, and because of it I took no action. I need to tackle these feelings of regret before my spiritual transition is to actually go any further. As for the physical changes, bring 'em on!
Anyone reading this, let this be a message to you. Don't wait. Don't feel ashamed. Being the way you are makes you that much more beautiful. I want my transition to give hope to other people as well. That will make it so much more worth it. No matter what you've been taught, how you've been raised, or how deep rooted your male role is in your consciousness, you can blossom into a beautiful lady, who loves herself all the more for being true to her heart :)
Mushy, I know, but if it weren't it wouldn't be worth writing ;)
(words in my head right now):
-無形の転移 (mukei no ten'i): spiritual transition
-平和 (heiwa): peace
-幸せ (shiawase): happiness
-安全(anzen): safe
-悪鬼 (akki): demon
-後悔 (koukai): regret
-乗り切る企て (norikiru kuwadate): attempt to move forward
<3 Cassie
my hair
September 3rd, 2011 3:57 pm MDT
Right now I'm desperate to make my hair grow faster, as I can't dress in public until it's shoulder length, or close. Right now it's on average about maybe 1.5 inches, and this is after not having cut it in 3 months (three months exactly, come to think of it). I really want it to grow faster, so does anyone have any suggestions? How did you girls deal with not having long enough hair? How long did it take you to get it to the length you wanted?
A few things I've been doing are:
Combing it regularly (apparently that helps blood flow to the scalp)
taking vitamin E pills daily (400 IU a day)
I want to start taking vitamin B complex as well soon. Also, hot oil massages are supposed to promote hair growth, so I want to try that too. I need to start researching where to get the right oils from. Finally, as silly as it may sound, spending 2 to 4 minutes upside down to redirect blood flow to the scalp is supposed to help too. I may start doing tripods (headstand with both hands on the ground for balance) for 2 to 4 minutes a day. Other things may help as well. I'll do some more researching.
Any suggestions or thoughts, please let me know. Thanks for reading.
Source of my information: http://www.howtomakehairgrowfaster.com
not telling my parents
August 12th, 2011 4:42 am MDT
After much long thought and deliberation, much struggling with the idea, much thinking in circles, I've decided that I'm not telling my parents, or any of my family about my transition.
For as long as I've felt genderally (probably not a word) misplaced, I have always felt so close with my family that it felt like I'd never really be able to do it because of them, and how much it'd disappoint them.
Given that, I'm going to spare myself the stress of telling them. In my mind this isn't that big a deal--simply because it's something that's been on my heart for years. Doing something like getting everybody together and reading out loud a note that I wrote, hugging people, reassuring them that they did nothing wrong, etc, makes it out to be a big deal.I want to make a statement that it's not. I can't sit there and pretend to be all choked up and emotional about this when in reality, I feel really good about it because I'm finally doing something I've wanted to do for so long.
If they notice my breasts, and they're not dismissable as "no big deal", I'll just say the truth. But I need to assert that this is no big deal, and the first step to doing that, is keeping it on a "need to know" basis.
Cassandra
