URNotAlone

my demons, my regrets, and my attempt to move forward

September 10th, 2011 8:53 pm MDT

I don't want to whine at all. I swear, promise, and everything else that guarantees you that I'm telling the truth. I've been having such sinking feelings about my transition. Overally, I don't doubt the legitimacy of my decision. I don't doubt that I would indeed live a happier life (even if only a little) as a girl. But so many things fester in my mind and my heart that it's hard to think about my transition without a sinking feeling.

Mainly, I feel deep regret about not having transitioned before. Since an early age, I have imposed other people's expectations into my mind. Becoming a girl would have been out of the question, despite the fact that it was my heart's greatest desire. Indeed, I would wish I could go to sleep and wake up a girl. But even those feelings in the purer parts of my heart felt wrong. I felt that God hated me for feeling these things. I felt like God would hate me forever if I became a girl. And if God hated me, everyone else would too.

The look on my Mom's face when she found out I was crossdressing haunted me. The look that made me feel like I wasn't even her son anymore. I could only imagine how she'd look if I were to transtion to be a full-time girl.

That, on top of me befriending so many male friends who would no doubt ostricize me. I dug myself so deep into a male role, just for acceptance, just to feel like I was living my life right.

All this time, however, I was a perfectly normal girl, with a few quirks that just made her special. Not a freak of nature, an abomination, or a sub-human monster. In reality, I am beautiful young lady, for what I am on the inside, not the outside. 

Now after hitting rock bottom, becoming distant from all my good friends and family, and feeling incredibly lonely, now I make the decision to transition. But not having had the courage to transition until I felt like I had no one in my life but my girlfriend (who accepts me, by the way) feels wrong. Without my friends and the people who have stuck by me my whole life, will my transition be purely cosmetic? Certainly, in my heart it feels more like a spiritual change, but if I carry around the loneliness of distancing myself from everyone, and the secrecy of my new lifestyle, how will I ever be at peace?

Regret is not fun. I regret not having the courage to do this before. I regret being so easily intimidated into being someone I'm not. If I had only done this sooner, it'd be a lot easier, and it'd go a lot smoother. I had such an unrealistically bleak look on the world, and because of it I took no action. I need to tackle these feelings of regret before my spiritual transition is to actually go any further. As for the physical changes, bring 'em on!

Anyone reading this, let this be a message to you. Don't wait. Don't feel ashamed. Being the way you are makes you that much more beautiful. I want my transition to give hope to other people as well. That will make it so much more worth it. No matter what you've been taught, how you've been raised, or how deep rooted your male role is in your consciousness, you can blossom into a beautiful lady, who loves herself all the more for being true to her heart :)

Mushy, I know, but if it weren't it wouldn't be worth writing ;)

(words in my head right now):
-無形の転移 (mukei no ten'i): spiritual transition
-平和 (heiwa): peace
-幸せ (shiawase): happiness
-安全(anzen): safe
-悪鬼 (akki): demon
-後悔 (koukai): regret
-乗り切る企て (norikiru kuwadate): attempt to move forward 

<3 Cassie