Journal Entries for Rachelle Marie Walker
Me again
July 24th, 2010 9:58 pm MDT
It's been 5 months since I have been able to be Rachelle, during which is has been torture for me. But circumstances worked out for me tonight so that, albeit brief, I have been able to be me once again. I feel relieved and apprehensive all at the same time. My apologies to anyone I cried to during this time. I'm afraid I'll still have an extend time away from my beloved Rachelle due to my situation.
04/27/10
April 27th, 2010 10:14 pm MDT
It’s been a tumultuous time for me over the past month. I was recently found out by my youngest daughter on my wife’s birthday. You can imagine that this brought the party to a crashing halt! I have been unable to find an avenue of release to explore the person that I am since that time.
I am truly torn with who I am and whom I wish to be. I have been repeatedly and forcefully told that “when a child, you do childish things. When you’re an adult, you put those childish things aside.” For those of you who don’t know the story, I have been conflicted since I had a dream when I was eight years old. In this dream, I saw myself wearing my sister’s dress and I felt absolutely normal and content. When I woke up that morning, I found the dress, snuck into the bathroom with it, and put it on. It was better than the dream and I felt complete for the first time in my life. Ever since that time, I have wanted to become a girl/woman and it has infected every aspect of my life.
Over the years, I have had dreams of looking in a mirror and seeing a beautiful woman staring back at me. When I move my hand to touch my face, the woman in the mirror does the same thing. I quickly realize that the woman and myself are the same person. I feel so happy, but it is all so fleeting. Reality always wins out and the cruel realization of who I really am crushes me for yet one more day.
I do have some much to be thankful for. I have three beautiful daughters, a loving wife, a good home, and a job. I have money in the bank and the bills are paid. So much more than a lot of others out there, so why am I sad? Even though my wife loves me and we have re-confirmed that, she does not approve at all of who Rachelle is or what she represents. I am jealous of her that she is the woman in our relationship. Having 3 daughters doesn’t make is any easier.
I feel like such a drag on those who know me. I am depressed all of the time and when I’m in a good mood, people ask me, “what am I up to?” or “what’s wrong with you?” They expect me to be drab and moody, but I hate it. I play a role for everyone else, but my role is not in the script. I have actually longed for the day when my final breath will be taken, but regret that I will leave many behind.
It is said that if a person fails to dream any longer, they lose the reason for living. The human mind is stimulated by possibilities and challenges. Like any other muscle in the body, lack of use with make it atrophy. While I have not given up on my dreams, they are no longer the fairy tale dreams of my youth, but the hope that one day this nightmare will be over.
