Journal Entries for Monica Kusanagi
Indecision...
March 1st, 2012 10:14 pm MST
I didn't go to my regular client today, so I had a lot of leeway in how I wanted to dress up all day.
I had 2 appointments this afternoon at places that both know I'm a crossdresser, so I really could've gone totally femme if I wanted to.
I stood in my dressing room in pantyhose, skinny jeans, girly shoes, breastforms, bra, racerback tank (showing bra strap of course), feeling sexy... But I chickened out.
I took off the hose and boobs, and just wore straight jeans (tight but not skinny tight), a tight girlie tee shirt, my femme flats (Skechers, subtle but feminine), and covered up with my regular jacket. It kinda broke my heart to not be able to go out totally femme, but I felt my makeup skills are still really lacking.
I am still thinking about the Dinair airbrush makeup kit, and even though I already know it does an amazing job, the $150 (roughly) starting price is a little depressing because there is a sexy lace front wig I want to get which is also $150.
These are hard decisions to make...
What are the tough decisions you've had to make?
XOXO,
Monica
My Boobs, a love/hate relationship
February 28th, 2012 8:41 pm MST
I can't really stand to put on my breastforms. Mainly because most womens' clothes and bras are intended to show the top of the breast which doesn't work well with most forms.
I've tried tape, the silicone pushup bra, mastectomy bras, smaller size bras, wearing 2 bras. But whatever I've tried, I can't get the kind of cleavage that looks somewhat natural. I know makeup is important and have done some breast contouring, but frankly don't like the way it looks.
So a lot of the time I just go without my breasts and sometimes wear a camisole with a built-in shelf bra.
When I put them on and match it with a top that fits and covers the bra, I can't help but feel an intense feeling of wishing I had real breasts.
Sigh,
Monica
Hose, Tights, Leggings, Jeans
February 27th, 2012 5:08 pm MST
I definitely wear femme jeans when I'm not at work. Most of my jeans are American Eagle Outfitters, but I do have a few other pairs of Mossimo jeans.
Most of my jeans are bootleg cut, but some are straight or skinny and definitely much tighter around my hips, ass and thighs. Wearing jeans like those definitely stand out to women that see me, but I don't care. Bootcut jeans are still feminine-looking, but I doubt many people notice.
If I'm not wearing jeans I really do like to wear tights, leggings or pantyhose under my pants. It's not just to feel girly, but because I like the constant feel of the nylon against my hairless skin. Feeling my pants sliding on my leg coverings also feels different than against bare skin.
During the summer, it's definitely too hot for tights, and that's when I turn to pantyhose which feels great all the time. A few times, I went to work with a garter belt and stockings. Stockings are also the best if you still want to be able to use the urinal (being careful not to flash too much of my panties when pulling them aside). But I am always a little worried that garters will show through my pants (particularly from behind) a little too much.
All of my leggings are black (I know boring), and my tights are black, but my hose are usually a very sheer style. I definitely prefer the way nude or shiny nylon looks against my smooth legs.
I will probably get a pair of suspender hose (the stockings with a permanently attached garter belt that slips up over your waist. I think those will be sufficiently naughty and stealthy under my pants.
What are you wearing?
XOXO,
Monica
Hair removal
February 26th, 2012 9:17 pm MST
I see a wonderful woman that knows I'm a crossdresser. She waxes my arms, legs, and brows.
Waxing regularly does make the hair lighten in density and coarseness, and given enough time will eventually kill the follicle, but it will never be as simple and permanent as electrolysis.
I tried waxing at home, but have given up after years of messy time-consuming work with unsatisfactory results. Having it done by a professional takes less time, makes a lot less of a mess, and costs me not much for something I only need to have done every other month.
I shave my bikini area and armpits in the shower every other day. Those areas don't take long to shave.
My only advice is to be honest with your aesthetician. Let her know that you are a crossdresser and special considerations, like if you need to thin the hair out slowly over time so no one notices, or if you want brows that are clean and neat but still masculine. I'd say most men won't notice your brows unless you go from unibrow to thin arch overnight. But over the course of several months, who is going to notice?
XOXO,
Monica
Jewelry
February 25th, 2012 7:52 am MST
I have double piercings in my ears, and normally I wear captive bead rings in my lower ones, and smaller labret retainers in the upper. If I'm feeling flirty, I'll put some large purple stones in the upper and dangly post earrings in the bottom, or large hoops.
I also have a few feminine necklaces and watches from American Eagle Outfitters. They are a little small for my neck, but I don't really wear those too often.
My belly button is also pierced with a curved barbell. Sometimes when I want to show it off, I take out the curved barbell and replace it with a big jeweled stud with a dangly charm on the bottom.
The next piercing I want to get is a micro subdermal in the 2 little dimples on my lower back. It is a very small piercing, but distinctly feminine, and relatively easy to hide under men's clothes, and very visibile when wearing low-rise jeans/girly tops.
Piercings are important to me because they are worn by both men and women and can be changed quickly. During healing you can't really leave them out, but most people didn't care that I wore earrings to work when they were little studs or clear retainers.
Clothing
February 23rd, 2012 7:53 pm MST
What are you wearing? 
I really don't own a lot of really feminine clothes. Most of the stuff I have is stuff that most women wear every day. Modest tops, LOTS of jeans, a few shorts, a few skirts, and 1 dress.
I have some bedroom lingerie (stockings, garter belt, girdle, corset), but I don't wear those very often. I kinda prefer pantyhose or leggings under my slacks during the day, and I always wear panties but most of them are cotton and hipster/bikini cut (no french cut, thong, brief).
For me, comfort is important, and also fitting in steathfully. I don't see a lot of women at the grocery store or at work wearing a dress or a blouse/skirt.
I used to lean towards the ultra-feminine, but most of that stuff didn't fit well on my wide-shoulder/narrow-hip frame. I'm also very happy with Juniors style because they tend to fit better on narrower hips. But if I could change the shape of my body to female proportions I would do it in a heartbeat.
XOXO,
Monica
Fine with my crossdressing, for now
February 21st, 2012 8:27 pm MST
Been struggling with some emotions around gender identity issues, but for the most part I've been very happy to go about my business in my house dressed up.
Truthfully, I don't usually wear my boobs or makeup while at home. When the mood strikes I will put on my boobs, but then I can't keep my hands off of my them. Putting on makeup at home is a real chore.
A few months ago, I scheduled a makeup session with the Aesthetician that waxes me (brows, arms, and legs because frankly I am repulsed at the sight of body hair on women or men). After some interviewing me and studying my skin and face, she suggested I use an airbrush makeup to minimize the amount of time I have to spend putting on makeup. I have uploaded some photos but am still awaiting approval. It looks AMAZING and it took less than 15 minues to apply. She told me with practice, it would take even less time.
The airbrush is manufactured by a company called Dinair, and I am still searching online for a good price (or a used one on eBay).
For now though, I am content to deal with a little beard shadow. /sigh
XOXO,
--Monica
Hormones, the real test
May 22nd, 2011 7:16 pm MDT
My doctor, therapist, and urologist have been talking to me about doing a hormone replacement therapy test to determine if I am truly a transsexual or not.
This would involve taking a drug that is currently used for cancer treatment to completely stop the production of testosterone. Then a low-level dosage of estrogen would be administered. The T-blocker works for 3 months, but takes effect in a few days. That would be enough time for the Estrogen to take effect and then for me to assess the change in emotions.
Of course, this is not a prolonged or permanent treatment, as the testosterone production would eventually start back up, and increase to levels to overcome the added estrogen. The only permanent way to stop the T is to have an orchiectomy (castration).
So using this drug would certainly help me to know if I am in fact a woman trapped in a man's body, but to do could destroy my life. My wife is not too thrilled with this idea at all, and we are taking a break from our life together to determine what we are both going to do next.
While this does give me an opportunity to try taking this next step, I am not certain if I really want to know what comes next.
Body Dysmorphia
September 25th, 2009 11:30 pm MDT
Been having a lot of issues with my figure lately. I seem to be feeling overwhelmed with trying to achieve a more feminine figure without resorting to padding. I've been studying the average female body shape for so long I'm starting to feel pretty crappy that I have wider shoulders and narrow hips.
I've been finding more and more clothes that fit my upper and lower half, but I can't find an easy way to balance both of them so I look more feminine, and more importantly, feel more femme.
It's been getting me a down a little lately, so I've not been wanting to wear my breast forms or hip padding lately. I still like to wear my tight jeans and a nice looking top, but when I see women on the street with equal hip and shoulder width, it is both exciting and disheartening.
I've calculated that if I could put 8 inches on my hips/thighs I would achieve the same shoulder width when viewed from the front, and am starting to resign myself to the fact that even if I started HRT, I probably wouldn't get that from the fat redistribution alone.
Been considering FemSkin.com's Hip and Butt silicone padding, but it's not cheap at around $500 for a 2.5" increase in hip measurement. 3 pairs of those stacked up would be about right for my frame size, but spending that kinda money seems ridiculous. I've tried foam padding, but the look and feel is so horrible. I prefer the silicone but can't seem to find anyone that sells padding that is thick enough and large enough for me to avoid stacking a bunch of it together.
I need to be okay with my body shape the way it is, then I can do things to help shape it just for fun. But right now it all feels like a chore and that's the kind of behavior that anorexics and bulimics typically have. I know there is a better way to help my shape without spending a lot of money, but I haven't come across it yet.
Well enough fretting for one night.
Hugs and Kisses to all my wonderful and beautiful girlfriends out there.
XOXO Monica
A few things I'm trying
September 19th, 2009 2:03 pm MDT
I've been using Latisse for the last 3 months. My eyelashes have grown to the point where I no longer need to worry about putting on false eyelashes. A little mascara, and I feel it looks pretty good.
My hair is now short in the back and longer in the front. It allows me to style it nicely when going in drab, but I can still do things with hairbands and am looking into 3/4 hairpieces.
I'm also starting to take Avodart prescribed from my urologist. One of the great side effects is stopping male pattern hair loss.
