Journal Entries for Ashley Lynn
Another Day of Questioning
January 1st, 2009 8:53 pm MST
Here I am again today questioning my innate desire to dress. I replied to a post online and it turned out to be another old friend who is a dresser. Well the thing is, she's purging because of a child'd discovery of her things and due to the living situation. She's offered me Hormones, a six month supply. I'm questioning wether I should take them or not?
I've considered taking hornones for some time now. The idea of having real breast (even an A or B cup) is very exciting. My concern is, if I end up changing my mind, would I be stuck for life with breast? I know I've read about men that have grown them and then actually had a surgery to have them removed, which is something I don't think i want to experience. Has anyone ever experienced the use of hormones, even for a short time?
I know that my best bet is it see a counselor and discuss the issue with them. I'm making an appointment to see if a counselor can help. I'm a little nervous in that I could be going down a road that I might not be able to return on. It's like a fork and you have to choose a path. I hope that I make the right decision.
I'm curious to know what other girls have experienced around this topic. Do any of you have some real life experience you'd be willing to share?
Ashley
My Story
December 31st, 2008 12:25 pm MST
I've started this journal to explore my understanding of my passion for dressing. It's consumed me for decades now and I'm finally confronting this issues and ramificaitons of it. Despite being in many hetero relationshihps, both long-term and short-term, I keep finding myself coming back to Ashley. My experiences with feeling shame, guilt and anxiety for the social, economical and religious ramifications have plagued my developing Ashley into an accepted part of my internal self.
For me, this all started some 30 years ago. It's sounds crazy to say that, but it's the truth. I was 6 years old and my mother told me to play somewhere. Not knowing what to do, I went to the attic to explore in the old boxes and suitcases. Finding boxes of womens clothing, I decided to try some on. I'm not quite sure why, but something inside told me to do so. The feeling was amazing. I believe it was a satin night gown, the kind you're grandmother would have worn, that hooked me. The feeling against my skin was almost overwhelming. That moment cemented my desires to dress as a woman. I know I was envious of women from that day forward. Along with the decades of envy, I also adapted the feeling of shame.
As I stood in the mirro and fantasized about what I was and could be, my brother bursted up the stairs. Upon seeing me in womens clothing, he laughed and ran downstairs to tell our mother. I can't remember a time where I felt more embarassed or ashamed of my actions. I took the clothing off and proceeded down stairs to make up some reason why I was dressed in a womans cloththing. I don't remember much of what happened after that night, except that my mother had said something about it being normal to explore. She is a good Christian, that to this day, I still wonder if she could accept my dressing. My brothers remarks and my desire has become my darkest skeleton.
My perceeding memory is that of walking through some yards and seeing womans clothing hanging on a line to dry. I'm not sure if I continued to dress in the attic, my gut tells me I did, but I'm sure my memory has faded and I can only recall the more memorable moments, like this clothes line. As I walked by, I noticed a pink pair of panties. They were the most beautiful panties I had ever seen. To this day, I wish I could find a pair. They were pink satin with a lace butterfly in the front. I remember how much I wanted to touch them, but I couldn't. Every day from then on, I'd walk by that house just to see the panties on the line.
One day, I got the nerve to walk in between the lines and I actually took those panties. ***I appoligize to whom ever they belong too. Please forgive me**** I rushed home to put them on. The feeling was overwhelming. I think I was about 12-13 years old at this time. Needless-to-say, I took more from other lines too. Again, I'm sorry to any whom I stole from at the time. From that day on, I would rush home to put them one and feel very fem.
I was entering my teens, I believe it was 8th grade. Shopping for clothing for school, my mother told me to go get some underwear. I went down the isle and saw the varying kinds. To my delight, I learned that men (it was the 80's) had some options with jockey and bikini. I wanted so much to buy these, but being 13-14, I knew my mother wouldn't. I left the store that day to only return and buy them. This was the begining of my desire to have clothing. It would later progress into the bravery to purchase womens clothing and lingerie. They made me feel a little like I was fem, but it was never the same feeling as those butterfly panties.It did bridge the gap between dressing fem and keeping within the social context of being a young man. I could always use the excuse that they were mens underwear, which would help to keep my secret safe. Secret is was, because I continued to keep if decades.
Later on, my compulsion grew. My wardrobe grew with the compulsion. As my collection grew, it became increasing difficult to hide. One day my mother found sever pairs of my panties. She was so nice. She washed them and left them folded with my male clothing on my bed with a note, "Who's are these?" Luckily, I was about 16 and I could use the excuse, "a girlfriends" and it would be plausable. Of course, I had to listen to the sex talk.
Shortly after that I believe I had my 1st purge. My girlfriend was very nice and I didn't want this secret to come out, so out everything went. In fact, I went on to marry that woman. I was able to surpress the desires for a few year anyways.
On thing that has made me feel some shame is that while I was married, I found my desire to dress was manifesting itself within my wife. At first, I would subtly suggest that she buy this, wear that, and dress this way; obiously the way I wanted to. I would purchase her lingerie and sexy outfits for her birthday, anniver., and Xmas with hopes of feeling it against me. She was a conservative woman, who I actually conviced to view porn and explore the more sexual side of our relationship. It wasn't until I found myself dressing in her things while she was gone that I realized that what I was doing was more than wrong. I would continue to try to over compensate the desire with being excessively masculine, but it didn't help.
Things didn't work out between her and I. We broke up for a variety of reasons. But now that I look back on it, I'm finding that my desire to dress (although I was never caught), was corupting my marriage. It was a plethora of little things that contributed to the unions decline, namely my decreased sexual desire toward her and my increasing desire to explore my bisexuality with her toys. She never caught me, but it was clear through my daily interaction that I was becomming less and less attracted.
For many years after this marriage and throughout my twenties and to date I would compulsively dress inbetween relationships. Sometimes, I would partially purge my things, but as the year went on, I learned to save those things I relished most. When dating a woman, I would seal up and store away my treasure chest of womanly things. Of couse, one a relationship went sour, I would quickly run back my desire to dress. I've never really blended that two. It's always been one or the other; dating a woman and being masculine or being single and dresssing. To this day, my wardobe had grown to fill a large closet. It takes many boxes to to pack everything for storage. My intimates alone fill two drawers and hang upon a 3-foot hanging rod. If I were to guess, I would have to say, I've spent thousands of dollars on women's clothing. You could say, this is a compulsion.
As my compulsion grew, so did my shame, which my brother instilled. I often wonder, if I had never been caught that day in the attic, would I have changed? Would I have developed into an open Transgendered person? Would my sexuality have changed. You'll often read about the trama of one event and it's changing someones direction. Although you often hear about the positive changes, I have to wonder, can there be negative changes too? Could my supression of these desires all stem from that one day in the attic? I'm using this journal to try to help me understand why I've made the choices I have and to help me decide what my next path will be. I would appreciate any thoughtful comments. If you're experienced something similar, I'd love to hear.
Till next time, Happy New Year! Everyone!
Ashley
