Journal Entries for Maia
Broken heart
February 9th, 2009 12:01 am MST
Somebody broke my heart, not once but twice, and I feel so sad becouse it's was at the same time I lost my family too, (just a few days after) all of this in the middlle of sickness and troubles that I did not wanted to have for myself, I've always run away from troubles in my life, justnot to have pain in my soul.
Now I found that, no matter what I do, some of these trouble I was going to live them anyway, if I only had know this before, just to protect myself.
So, is this a beginning of a new life? do I deserve to find happiness? or I just give it away?
I really want to heal my heart an not be as lonely as I am now.
Who in the world will be able to understand, and to care the way and to love the way I used to be love, why I have lost all the people I love to sickness and desease?
Why the person I love, had to have this two disorders (bipolar & borderline) at the same time, and why I did not found out before, so I can help her and me in a better way. Is this he reason why I lost her love in such a quick time? And how those many laughs and smiles and huggs and kisses becomes into lies and tears and sadness? Should I feel betrayed? Is she going to love me again? I know it's what I want now, do I wait for her love again, or do I just go on with my life?
Why it's so hard to understand what I been feeling these days, it's becouse she was my first love? or I just dont love myself enough?
How do I overcome adversity being just the ordinary ts girl next door, why being mi age, and as inteligent as I am, I dont know how to overcome all this.
If you wanted, feel free to give me some advice, please.
Maia, just another fallen angel.
Why now?
January 30th, 2009 11:41 pm MST
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]¨+¿January 30, two thousand and nine, first entry of a journal, i'm been triying not to write, becouse i know is going to remind me a lot of memories, that i don't want to remember anymore, a journal that i should have starting to write, to many winters ago, some 30 or so, when these journey of my concience began, the concience of my being a girl in a life i knew i didn't want to live, but i didn't understand why, in a moment when i was so young and didn't know so many things about life, in many aspects, such as love, rejection, pain and lonelyness.
But then, why not now, who is here to tell us when is the best moment to begin anything at all.
Couse all my memories are going to be lost and forgotten if i don't write them to be in some kind of collective experience, becouse i know that mine it's really not that different than many of the other people who share their own stories here.
And again, and again, why now? when i been feeling so sad, lonely an angry at life becouse i dont know why i have to deal with so many bad things that hapen to me, why me and why now, it's what i been triying to understand these months since i lost my family and i have collapse into depression and apathy, and i dont want to loose my mental health or better say my emotional health. (prozac does not seem to be helping as much as i want to help me).
Why here, being out there in the cyberspace so many other places, even in my own language (spanish), is this going to give my some relief of the lonelyness that i feel now, i really hope so.
For now, here it is, the first entry of my journal, a mirror you may not want to look...
Maia, just another fallen angel.
