URNotAlone

In The Beginning...

August 11th, 2009 9:23 am MDT

I had a request to post this in my journal.  I wrote this back in March when I first came out to my wife...

I am writing this story because I want a new start with my wife fully involved in ever aspect of my life, including my dressing. I don't want to hide anything from her anymore. No more lies. No more hiding. No more infidelity. No more shame. From now on everything is going to be different.

I met my wife Christy when she was 15. I was a couple of years older. From the first minute I saw her I loved her. It was absolutely love at first sight. We have known each other for 25 years now and have been married for 23. We have a wonderful family together. She is my wife, my lover and my best friend and I want her to be so for the rest of my life. I truly cannot live without her.

The fact that I love her so much and need her so badly has been a true blessing and also a tremendous burden. It was a burden because I had so many secrets that I wanted to share with her but couldn't because I was so afraid I would lose her. I knew that I could never replace her and my life would end if she left me. I’ve wanted to tell her about this for years but couldn’t. Which day is the best day to drive a dagger through the heart of the one you love?

I've been dressing off and on since I was about 12. Initially it was only pantyhose. As I got older it became panties, bras, lingerie, etc. Whenever I had the opportunity, I would run out and buy something, wear it once, then toss it. For years I felt that I was bad, sick, perverted, a sinner, etc. I didn’t know why I was like this and I did everything I could to stop but it wouldn’t go away. I thought about dressing all the time. That happened off and on until about a year and a half ago. I started traveling regularly on business to Austin, Houston and San Antonio so the opportunities to dress increased. I didn't dress every time I went out of town but it grew more and more frequent as time went on.

I started off buying really slutty lingerie. I would wear it once and throw it out. I wouldn’t dress for a while then I’d go out and buy something else and throw it away. I think this is a binging and purging process like a lot of alcoholics or people with eating disorders go through. You fight the need, then you give in, then you binge, then you feel shame, then you purge, then you fight the need, then the processes starts over again.

Eventually, I even started to question my own sexuality. At one point I thought that I might be gay. I even had a sexual encounter with a man. I found out that I did enjoy some aspects of it. I liked being fem. I enjoyed being the submissive one in the relationship, being slightly dominated, etc. But I realized that I didn’t find him (or any other man for that matter) attractive...at least I don’t really prefer men sexually. Now I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I find some men are very good looking or that a guy with a really nice body isn’t hot. I didn’t want to be with a man but I wanted to be the woman. I know it sounds a little confusing and I guess it is. I absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn’t have an emotional relationship with a man. I’m not sure but I think I’m a lesbian. J

About a year and a half ago my wife asked me if I was having sex with someone else. I said yes. I told her that I had a sexual encounter with a man. I explained that it was because I had the desire to express my female side and be the submissive in the relationship. I also told her about my crossdressing from the time I was about 12. I didn't get into any details at the time. Just the infidelity, the fact it was with a man and that I had crossdressed in the past was a lot to handle.

As you can imagine she didn’t take it very well at first. I certainly don't blame her. At that point I was sure I was going to lose her. It took a lot of work and talking but we worked it out. She said she did understand that I was different and that was one of the reasons she had married me.

After the encounter with the guy my dressing continued to progress. I didn’t know where it was going. There was no plan. But it just kept growing and growing.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I really made a major mistake at this point that I’m not proud of. I didn’t continue the openly communicate with my wife. If at this point if I would have taken the opportunity to be totally honest with her and share all my thoughts and desires things would have been a lot better and easier. It wasn’t intentional but I wove a very tangled web that continued to get more and more elaborate. One important word of advice that I can give to anyone out there is if a door opens to be honest with your spouse about your dressing take advantage of it.

Everything changed when I bought my first pair of high heels. They were kinda expensive and I knew I couldn’t afford to just throw them out like I had the cheap lingerie. So I had to find some place to keep them. At that point I started “collecting” stuff. Once I started keeping my heels, lingerie, etc. It opened me up to building my new persona as a female. I slowly added to my collection. I eventually bought a wig and then some makeup. Buying the makeup was the hardest thing I had ever done. It is amazing how little guys know about makeup…what you need and how to apply it, etc.

When I put my wig and makeup on for the first time I was amazed. It didn’t even look like me. I didn’t look like a man in a pair of panties, I looked like a woman. A rush of emotion poured over me. I felt like a woman. My mannerisms and everything changed. It was totally different. That process or transformation really hit me. I know you girls know what I’m talking about but I just want to express my thoughts so those that are trying to find their way might benefit from it.

Eventually, dressing in full makeup and wigs and stuff made me have a strong desire to go out in public dressed. This was something that was always private. I hadn’t shared it with anyone. I now realized that I wanted to stop hiding it.

It was really scary and probably never would have ventured out by myself. I found a really sweet girl from San Antonio that agreed to take me out to some clubs if I was in town. I called her one night. She wasn't dressed but agreed to go out with me anyway...in guy mode. I got dressed in my panties and bra and she came over and helped me touch up my makeup...picked out some clothes, etc.

I was really worried about walking out of the hotel dressed. But she helped me tremendously. We got on the elevator, she gave me some words of encouragement. ..just be confident... just be yourself...you'll be fine, etc. I strolled out of the hotel like I was a movie star. I got a few looks and even some nice smiles but didn't get the impression that anyone was "freaked out" by me.

We got in the car and drove to a gay dance club in San Antonio that does drag shows and stuff. It was definitely a crowd that wouldn't be surprised to see me. We got a drink, sat and watched the drag shows and danced for a little while. It was very thrilling and I felt so free. Free of the burden of keeping this side of me private and to myself. I wasn't looking to "hook-up" with anyone that night. It wasn't about sex or anything. Just about enjoying the evening and expressing my fem side. She constantly coached me on what to do and how to act…how to sit, how to walk, etc. There was a lot to learn.

That experience really was a major event for me. I started to reach out to others that were like me and started getting to know some really incredible people. I made friends and went out in San Antonio, Austin and of course Houston where I had a chance to meet a number of you. I have come to realize that I’m not alone out there. There are many, many people just like me that are facing the same challenges.

Some of you have been incredibly helpful in my life and have given good advice that led me to a difficult, but proper decision. I had to come totally clean with my wife. Almost everyone gave me one word of warning. DO NOT OVERWHELM HER WITH TOO, MUCH TOO QUICK. The advice was to take it very slow, let her steer the ship, ask the questions, etc.

Until next time....

Kisses,

Allie Summers

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