mary
"still moving my stuff and on the lookout for haters!"
Journal Entries for mary
I need more creativity!
November 7th, 2009 12:37 am MST
I’ve been pretty phenomenological and introspective lately, so I thought I would try to be more extraverted. And future-oriented. Look forward to the future. Or at least orient myself to the future. One major future concern is if I will find work as a transgender. I have a while before I get desperate but I am not wasting time. I know certain industries and organizations are more favorable to gender diverse people. My sister worked in hospitality management and from her descriptions of work she seemed to work with some very diverse people. So there are gender diverse people in employment, it’s just finding the right place and time. I need to be creative to find this!
Taking back my power
November 6th, 2009 3:38 am MST
well, i haven't written in a few days, trying to build up my creativity. Also tying up business loose ends and still moving. Have one more trip down to Columbus by car, then next week by U-Haul, then we are moved down and done.
Have kept up the habit of thinking before going out that there might be a hater at any corner, man i am going to give them the wrath of hell the next time i get some stupid fuck who says something. I know it's not the Christian sort of thing, but I'm not Christian, haha, but seriously I need to unloose on some hater, it would be cathartic, and i would feel empowered, i guess it would be like me taking back my power, the power of my self. Like they do with women, the self-defense classes to empower them. To be proactive and have or feel some control of the situation, rather than reactive and feel like a victim. Most people i talk to say just ignore them, but i'm just out so i feel a little militant about this thing.
my new eyeglasses
November 2nd, 2009 11:51 pm MST
these are the glasses i got. Yep they kind of look like old lady glasses, but i guess that is what i got. they are unisex or what they now call unistyle. the "sex" part in the third syllable was too risque.
get some new eyeglasses
November 2nd, 2009 10:27 am MST
well today i have an appointment for an eye exam and will pick out some new eyeglasses. The pair of eyeglasses i chose were unisex glasses, at least that is my choice right now. They look real nice. And I will get a pair that is purely feminine later. I got the bifocal or trifocal or progressives going on, so contact lens are a pain, as i still need glasses when i wear contacts. Kind of defeats the purpose. I don't want to really hassle with contacts any more, just get a pair of eyeglasses, and maybe one back up pair if the current pair gets lost or damaged. Glasses make you look smarter, but no glasses are more sexy, that is what they say. So I guess I am choosing smart over sexy, i'd like to have both :-).
Untitled Post
November 1st, 2009 6:12 pm MST
Hi everyone, well it's Sunday evening, just about to have dinner. I should get my new computer soon. The computer has a video cam, but i was thinking of getting the flip video which is HD. I want to put up some videos on YouTube or Facebook. Some videos about transgenderism and some work videos. Also i can do a video log. I have been visiting the chat room. Met a couple of guys in the chat room. No in-person meets. Nothing really, did talk to one on the phone, but things weren't really compatible i guess. I think i'll go on the chat tonight. It harmless fun to pass a few minutes away.
lazy day
October 31st, 2009 2:23 pm MDT
just taking it easy today Saturday. I got home from Columbus last night, and am just lazy-ing around. I don't think i'll go out tonight. Just do some loose ends and sleep. I have to make phone calls to family, but will wait till tomorrow ... . Expanded on my profile, added additional information ...
going down to Columbus tommorrow morning
October 28th, 2009 2:48 pm MDT
well i'm packing more stuff up to move to Columbus. Still packing stuff up in car, next week or the week after we'll get a U-haul. I'm thinking of staying in Grove City at least one year. When things get going and I'm settled, look at something in Dublin, north of Columbus, a little better neighborhood. Actually, after one year I will decide whether to stay in Columbus, if so, then I will move to Dublin, assuming things go reasonably well. I've been corresponding with some ladies. Haven't met anyone face-to-face, yet. Can't say much more for now. I'll be gone for a couple of days, I am keeping positive about Columbus, it's like freedom, I'm in a whole new place, no one knows me, i don't have to worry about my family's reactions, live how i want to live, be me, enjoy myself. Excellent.
Akron TransFamily
October 28th, 2009 8:46 am MDT
i attended Akron TransFamily last night. there were about 20 attendees, 2 trans men, 2 SO's and the rest trans women. The Akron TransFamily does a similar format to Cleveland TransFamily - everyone goes around the room and tells about themselves and what is going on in their lives. I said it was Holloween that I've been on hormones one year, full-time about one month, and moving to Columbus. I also said I picked the name "Mary" for myself because it was the simplest female name i could think of, simplicity, and that the name was used in several religious traditions. There was a GG there, we shook hands, i wished we talked more but i was sick, my stomach. hope she is there next month. she was interesting! She was interested, I was interested, we were interested! I've seen her around the LGBT scene here in Akron. That would really be something, that seems like someone who would really add to my life. I need that now.
sometimes
October 27th, 2009 6:27 am MDT
i have a gg girlfriend. It's ok, but one thing that kind of gets me is she really insn't into working, i mean if she has any inkling that i can support her, or that i will, she will quit her job or cut back on working. She used to say that she had taken care of the men in her life financially so she can take it easy, so to speak. she said that many times until i said to her don't bring your baggage of the past into expectations about me, i am not your past boyfriends (because that is how she sees me). She doesn't see me as female where the expectation is 50-50 financially. she's sees me as another man who should or can take care of her. I don't know, that kind of irks me.
business in Columbus
October 26th, 2009 7:22 am MDT
well i'm looking for work in Columbus, still haven't fully moved, but am starting to think how i should proceed. Proceed in obtaining work that is. I had worked with small manufacturers and manufacturer reps, and most recently commodity trading advisors. did a combo of IT and marketing. I guess there is less manufacturing in Columbus, though finance is OK. I guess fashion is big, with Wexner Industries and others. i actually in the past had an ebay store up where i sourced and marketed unisex clothing and accessories. Maybe if i concentrate or focus on fashion retailers and their internet marketing needs. I would love to know/study more about the fashion industry.
last night's URNotAlone T-party at Slammers
October 25th, 2009 2:39 pm MDT
well i was at the T-party. Met a whole bunch of girls. I couldn't stay long as I am still moving my stuff to Columbus and had to be back in Akron by 1 pm. Sunday. Got some personal cards from some girls.
It seems like the girls are dispersed across several different nightclubs/bars in downtown Columbus. There really is not one place all the girls go to, it seems to me.
I had fun and can't wait for the next T-party. I did some dancing, not a lot, as Slammers doesn't really have a dance floor. The music was definitely along my tastes. I got the feeling, from talking to people, that there were about 3 or 4 main nightclubs the girls go to.
I used to go to the nightclubs here in Akron about 2 nites a week, but since going full-time I don't go out at all anymore. The main reason i went out was to dresss, but now i dress all the time, and my urge to go to the bar/nightclub is gone.
I will likely hit some of the night spots in Columbus, just to see what is out there, but probably in due time my urge to go out will probably die out again. It's the newness of it all, for me, but unless I meet and hookup with someone that likes clubbing, i will probably just go clubbing for a short period of time just to get a feel for the city and its transgender scene.
Is there a transgender scene in Columbus? What constitutes a scene? In Akron the closest thing we have as a scene is the drag queens, unfortunately their scene is very scandalous. It's a negative scene.
i do like dancing though, it works the legs, and i think it helps me walk more feminine. And its good exercise. It also works on your inhibitions, experience to handle your inhibitions. I don't need to drink to dance, some people need to drink to dance, dancing helps me reduce/eliminate/work on my inhibitions. Actually I'm more into smoke, than drinking, but I keep both at a responsible level.
There were some cute girls at the T-party. Really cute. And nice too. I'll be at the next one. See U
what do guys want
October 24th, 2009 10:32 am MDT
are there actually guys who prefer a tg over a gg, or at least a tg as much as a gg? Or at least close? And if so, why?
Or are we just easy? or easier? or more desperate? or less work?
i wonder about guys sometimes. i wonder about me even more. The interpersonal dynamics get wierd sometimes.
Maybe i should stick to the tried and true: guys want easy sex with a beautiful gg.
What are the implications of this premise, for me? Or for tg's in general. Very few of us can really be "beautiful", at least relative to the beauty obtainable by most gg's.
Be Who You Were Meant to Be
October 23rd, 2009 8:34 pm MDT
i am just trying to find some place to fit in.
In my last 9-to-5 corporate gig there was a transgender female who was transitioning. She was treated so bad. I knew I couldn't be myself there. If I transitioned there, I would have been in true hell.
My parents are not too hip about what I do, either. They are all worried about what other people will think of me and, more importantly, they are worried what other people will think of them. It might be a generational gap thing, but i don't see all that much tolerance and acceptance of gender diversity amongst people my own age group.
I guess I come from the "Be Who You Were Meant to Be" generation, if there even is one. It's all f'ed up, i was meant to be female but I got short shifted. My mind is female, i live as a woman, and my social presentation is lady.
So i am hoping Columbus presents to me the opportunity to find some place to fit in - all this gender stuff does not seem to me to be a big deal. It is everyone else who thinks so. I am always amazed when people get all upset about it.
There must be some big differences in our brains, me versus these folks who get so upset, ex-friends, family, workplace, former coworkers, what is the big deal!!! They got some serious problems, i am just being myself, i am being authentic as best as i can be. Is there mind just a conglomeration of socializations so much so they can not percieve someone trying to be themselves.
I am always amazed how they look at me like I should be embarrassed or ashamed or something, but instead I act with total comfort and ease. They are all tensed up around me. This is the case with them, dis-ease. And they think I am the one who is sick. What a joke. I don't have any gender problems, i know what I am. They are the ones with the gender problem.
So I am giving much hope for Columbus, for friends, lover. coworkers, neighborhood, city. If it doesn't work out here, then were? San Fransisco?
what can i write about
October 23rd, 2009 7:16 pm MDT
ok, i guess i got to warm myself up. I don't have anything off the top of my head, so ...... here it is ..... i don't know if any of you are technophiles, but I think i am. I mean i get addicted to working on the computer, even if it is work that I am doing. If I use the computer for personal tasks, well, look out OCD.
How does a person get addicted to work? Well if that work is on a computer, then I am addicted. I know being a technophile is not very feminine, but my computer is pink, haha. And my mouse is pink with a fluffy cover :-) .
Maybe if I made my computer all black with flashing lights and squelching gizmos, you know, macho, then I would not be so attracted to working all nighters. Like someone asked me when do I quit working for the day, i said I don't know, just send me an IM and see if I am awake. If I am awake I am working. If I answer your IM i am working. They asked what kind of regular schedule is that.
I said sorry but I am on Internet time.
hacking away at Facebook
October 23rd, 2009 12:09 am MDT
just finished a marathon with Facebook. 2 days, and most of the nights. Facebook is pretty cool, i am impressed. I am not sure how you make money at it, but a lot of people think you can. I did some paid advertising on Facebook, i wasn't too impressed by the pull. Your marketing creative and advertising message has to be top notch to pull in people. There are so many applications you can use on the Facebook platform, though quite of few of those applications need work. It's fun.
I am using one Facebook profile for both professional and personal information. I know most people separate the two out. I am going to try and not to do that. I'd like to get work and live or present female at work too. I don't want to separate the two out. The last contract I worked, the company was owned by a gay man and his assistant was lesbian. Of course i came to work presenting female. I loved it. That is how I want to live. Any other way is not living, it's just denial, and frustation, for me at least. This is why I am looking forward to Columbus, I don't know anyone there, no one will have ever seen me as male. I will be at this month's T-party.
UrNotAlone T-party Columbus, Ohio the 24th
October 22nd, 2009 4:57 pm MDT
i am planning on attending this event. This'll be my first. I am looking forward to it. It sounds like a lot of people will be there. It'll be fun.
Gender Dysphoria
October 20th, 2009 4:06 am MDT
i must have it. Glad there is a fancy word for it, too. The phrase sounds very medical or psychiatric. Very impressive. But all that I know is that i am alive as a woman, and kind of dead otherwise. The dynamic in terms of psychic, sexual, psychological, social, behaviorial, etc. energies is profound when I am a female, girl, woman, lady, etc.., even bitch will do :-) I don't have any bad things about my male-ness, which i still have a lot of, unfortunately, but it's cool. I'm not trying to fool anyone, it's apparent i'm trans. But the female expression is very invigorating to me. I like it, i enjoy it, just want to hang out with people who feel the same, is one goal of mine.
up early again
October 20th, 2009 2:50 am MDT
so here i sit trying to think of something to write, i like to try to force myself to write, one of my goals is to become fluent with the English language. I mean very fluent, were the ideas, words, and phrases are like an avalanche, and unending. Language is instrumental in human affairs. At least in business, this is very important. People judge you by what you say, and how you say it. I find it is best for me to practice what to say, then when i have it down, move to practicing how to say it. Ok, end of warm up.
I'm getting kind of disorganized from our moving. Things aren't in total disarray, at least not yet. I'm a couple days past my hormone shot, i haven't done any yoga for what seems like an eternity, and haven't been to the gym like in 5 days. I need to catch up on these little things. I always feel better when i am up on it all.
Our new place in Columbus is Grove City, just south of Columbus. It's a townhouse, but I am thinking we are going to get killed on utilities. If so, after the lease is up i might move to Northern Columbus, like the Dublin area, that is if i don't move out of Columbus entirely.
The nice thing about the new apartment is that it is relatively secluded and private. I could come or go dressed without worrying about neigbhors. Currently i live in an apartment complex where everyone knows about me. Not only do the people in my apartment complex know about me, but many of their friends do to. Sooner or later some loose canon will have some stickler up their butt about me. I will feel safer with the greater privacy of our new apartment.
haters
October 19th, 2009 12:00 pm MDT
well since i started going full-time, i've been picked up on the radar by some haters. No physical violence or anything like that, just mouth. All three GG's, go figure. I am new to this level of human uglieness so, initially, I was taken back and kind of passive during the episodes or interactions. Some things i've learned or resolved to do, the next time this crap has to come along my way,
1. don't look weak, look strong, confident, without nervousness, calm
2. look like you will fight back, i don't know why but it seems like these are people who try to ruin (maybe kill!) others when the other person is at their weakest. These are sick people. It is NOT all about words, these people are pathological.
3. sooner or later, you may have to say something, and when that time occurs, do so. I think i will keep my verbal reperatoire simple, like say "hater", or "asshole", to them. I think i will say something if the hater says two disparaging comments, maybe after the second negative comment, let the first one slide, maybe
i am brain dead
October 18th, 2009 8:29 am MDT
trying to think of something to write, must be under because of staying up so late last night working on my sites. I always wonder why someone looks at my profile when they live so far away, what is the possibility of meeting the other person face-to-face? Of course travel is possible, but for regular meetings long distances would definitely be an inconvienence. I guess if you were only going to meet a couple of times then long distance travel would be OK. I've had the long distance and virtual relationship thing, no, i prefer the real deal. Oh well, i at least wrote something.
