URNotAlone

Back on URNA - What's different this time?

June 1st, 2009 9:58 am MDT

A few years ago I had an account with URNA as an "admirer." I suppose that's still what I'm about. I don't dress, I generally identify as a straight male--although I'm not at all shy about sharing my interest in Trans-women, not only on a sexual fantasy level, but culturally as well.

During the 90s I got a chance to meet a few TS gals in the Seattle area and hang out socially. I never met the "right girl" at the time to pursue anything resembling dating or a relationship. But I enjoyed demystifying the whole thing by having real conversations sitting across a cup of coffee with some really interesting people.

The one thing that I've not enjoyed about my curiosity and fascination with TG women has been my tendency to slip into sexual objectification mode. I think it's natural and understandable for "straight" guys who are actually encountering TG women on some level to do this. After all, for many of us the prospect of making love with a trans-girl is the ultimate fantasy, and probably one that many or most of us probably don't have the balls to actually pursue. So some of us chat up T-Girls in chat rooms, or lure them into an online friendship with all sorts of flattery, etc. with some sort of cloudy hope that it might all lead to something more. And a few of us might even believe that we're falling in love. It happens.

But, in my case I had to recognize that there was something less-than-healthy about it all. I'm certainly not saying that I find my attraction to T-Girls unhealthy. It's not that at all. It's the craving for connection that carries a certain amount of nervous anxiety that put me off. I felt like I was being political instead of real with people. I wasn't being myself, and instead was trying to be what I thought the woman I was attracted to wanted me to be. And to be really honest, I wasn't clear about my intentions--was I looking for real friendships, something more, or just recreational sex? Because if I was really honest with myself, some of the women I was into, had they been genetic women (the only kind of women I've been in "relationships" with) I wouldn't have put so much energy into communicating with them because we were not suited for each other values-wise or personality-wise. 

I was being dishonest--with myself and with them.

I kind of gave up on the whole T-Girl admiration fantasy for a couple years. I stopped playing "tranny chaser" and no longer did the chat rooms, or searched profiles and all that. Yes...I still enjoyed TS erotica, but where it was once my favorite inspiration for all-by-myself "play time," it was relegated to the occasional "oh yeah! I really like this!" surprise encounter.

About a year ago I was in Amsterdam and had an opportunity to be with a "shemale" sex worker. If you've never been there, I don't know how much you can appreciate the "kid in the candystore" feeling of being down on Nieuwezijds Voorburgwal and checking out the "blue light" girls in their cabins. I understood the sex industry in Holland to be well-regulated and I felt "safer" having such an experience there than I had anywhere else before (which is why I never pursued it prior to that time). I was one more night in Amsterdam before leaving the country, so I decided to "go for it." I had a couple false starts that were both embarrassing and quite funny, in retrospect, although one cost me 100 euros and I was too ashamed of my naivete to ask for it back, but eventually I discovered a gorgeous Venezuelan woman named "Paula" who was very sweet with me. Now, a gentleman never gives details, so in this instance I'm going to pretend to be a gentleman. Suffice to say, it was a wonderful experience and gave me a lot of confidence about what really turned me on and how good I would feel about it afterwards. 'Nuff said about that!

Realistically, do I think being on URNA will change my life or better permit me to actualize my appreciation for TG feminine charms? I'm not so sure about that. But I figure that it wouldn't hurt, and even if nothing more than an exchange of ideas and pleasantries is all that comes of it, well--I think that will still help the world become a more loving place. Why? Because that's what I'm about as a person. I'm on a spiritual path and am working on myself to be a more authentic, loving human being. (Which means: "Watch out ladies! I've got a ways to go before I truly realize these ideals...but I'm trying.")

I know some of you are probably going "Is this guy for real?" And others are going "Jeez, he looks old! And what's up with that gut?" I get it, and I can deal. I'm trying to harbor no illusions about any of it. Some of us, maybe most of us, would rather "play" with the tight, young perky bodies. It's understandable. But I am who I am, and I love who I am...at least, most of the time.

May each and every person who encounters these words...(give themselves a pat on the back for slogging through it all, first!)...experience joy, peace, happiness, and the root of these things. Most importantly, look in the mirror and revel in the beautiful being that is looking back at you. You are alive! You are here! Life is an amazing gift, so let's CELEBRATE it in whatever way means the most to us!

Namaste.

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