URNotAlone

Why I Left "Crossdressers.com"

June 11th, 2009 4:37 am MDT

For about two weeks at the beginning of this year (2009,) i was a member of the message board "crossdressers.com". Although i didn't get particularly close with anyone in that short time there, there were a few people whose posts and apparent personalities that i enjoyed immensely. I was really starting to feel at home there, until one particular thread, started by administrator Tamara Croft (who is not a CD,) showed me the site's dark underbelly.

Below is the last post i made there, which was deleted by an administrator within minutes. I can't be sure that Tamara did it, but the wording of the notification i received of its deletion sure sounded like her.

I don't know how many people on URNA are also on Crossdressers.com, but maybe someone from there will read this and see how the administration of crossdressers.com censors any call for justice when one of their non-CD administrators decides to insult the vast majority of their membership.

In the version i posted on the board, i edited out Tamara's name so as to mute any accusation of a "personal attack," but since everyone on the site uses a nom de plume so "Tamara Croft" isn't her real name, and she can't silence me here, i figure there's no need to give her any shelter she doesn't deserve.

And oh... just so no one gets upset with me over the hypothetical analogy i used in my response below, i used Irishmen as an example because i happen to be part Irish by ancestry. Besides, it's an example, not an actual statement of opinion. Everyone knows the Irish are among the friendliest and most welcoming people in the world... and if they don't, they should. ;)

Anyway, on with the post...

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Written: January 16, 2009

I've heard many times that you should never post when you're angry. Wait a couple of days and calm down first. That's generally good advice that has served me well in my life.

Here's my problem: It's been two days, and i'm still seething. Two days since a particular thread, initiated by admin Tamara Croft was closed to further debate after she told everyone that we'd receive an apology "when hell freezes over." Tamara said that "M2F's CD's are selfish and ignorant." Indeed, that was the title of the thread, which by her own admission was intended to anger the readers of the M2F forums.

Mission accomplished.

The thread started because M2F members have committed nearly all of roughly 660 infractions for either posting in F2M or GG-only threads, or voting in their polls. I will agree that any M2F that voted or posted in those areas and subsequently received an infraction is well-deserving of the "selfish and ignorant" label. That is not a matter of debate as far as i am concerned.

The problem is, there are over 6000 M2F members of this forum. Even if each and every infraction were committed by a separate account member, which by Tamara's own data we know is NOT the case (in one post, it was clearly stated that one member had been cited several times in a single thread, and that the member in question had been guilty of it before,) that would mean that at least 89% of the M2F membership was completely innocent of any wrongdoing, and thus did not deserve to be on the receiving end of her tirade - and it WAS a tirade - that went on for several paragraphs.

At the end, it closed with a statement that i paraphrase here: "If this doesn't apply to you, don't get your knickers in a twist."

Here's the second problem...

Let's say we replace "M2F's" with the word "Irishmen," and "are selfish and ignorant" with "are violent drunks."

Let's further say that someone in authority started a thread on a multicultural message board with over 6000 male Irish members, that had as its title, "Irishmen are Violent Drunks." The thread contains several paragraphs detailing the fact that 660 violent drunken escapades had been committed by Irish members. At the end, it says, "don't get upset if this doesn't apply to you."

While the members that committed those acts may deserve the label (though for many, there may have only one such incident in their lives, from which they learned their lesson,) what about the other 5400-odd Irishmen that have done nothing wrong? "Oh," you say, "the disclaimer SAYS not to get upset if it doesn't apply to you, and so they shouldn't be upset."

Wrong.

The assertion is that Irishmen are violent drunks. Not SOME Irishmen, or a FEW Irishmen, but Irishmen period. Even if they've never committed a violent act or let a drop of alcohol pass their lips, the statement "Irishmen are violent drunks" includes them. The only way the statement "Irishmen are violent drunks" doesn't apply to you is if you are not Irish!

In the same fashion, the only way the statement "M2F's CD's are selfish and ignorant" doesn't apply to you is if you are not a M2F CD! Otherwise, it does. And every single M2F that has followed the rules has been insulted by Tamara Croft, and insulted repeatedly, every time she defended the original statement as "the truth," even after being unequivocally proven wrong.

But that's not all.

There's the M2F CD's that were actually apologizing for the group. To them i have two things to say: 1: Don't apologize for me, i didn't do anything wrong. 2: Grow a spine and stand up for yourselves. We get more than enough guilt trips already for hiding who we are for whatever time we did it with our SO's. We don't have to apologize for what we didn't do! And we shouldn't have to take abuse when we don't deserve it.

There were a number of GG's that chimed in, basically giving Tamara a pat on the back, agreeing with her original assertion. These women are saying that it's okay to publicly insult thousands of people you know to be innocent because of the actions of a relatively small percentage of guilty parties who have already been identified and could have been dealt with privately. That is appalling and disgraceful, and these GG's should be ashamed of themselves.

Seriously, do you think ANY of us came here to be abused? I could get all the abuse i can handle by going into a redneck bar in ballet slippers and a pink tutu. HERE, we're supposed to be getting help, advice, camaraderie, and fellowship. This is supposed to be a safe haven, not yet another place for us to get slagged as a group for the actions of a few. This isn't like being in a room together, the innocent among us can't do a darned thing to stop the idiots that break the rules, so why yell at us for what they do?

Policing the rulebreakers is the job of the moderators and the administrators. These people are volunteers, and they work hard, and they take a lot of crap, to be certain. They deserve our thanks for their efforts to make this and other forums a place of civil and semi-organized discourse. But if you're going to take that role, you know that's what you're in for. You need to have a thick skin. You need to be firm, but FAIR. Most importantly, you need to have the good grace and humility to apologize when you wrong someone... because YOU are the one wielding in essence absolute power, and in the words of Lord Acton, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." If you allow yourself to be corrupted by power such that you feel it is beneath you to admit you are wrong when you knowingly hurt thousands of innocent people unnecessarily in a fit of anger, you no longer deserve to have that power.

Dozens of new members join this board every day. Imagine one of the people that just joined in the last few days, and the first thing they see at the top of the M2F forum after logging in is that thread title. Sure makes the place sound warm, welcoming, and supportive, doesn't it? Still think an apology isn't called for?

I've been a member here all of two weeks. Maybe this thread (assuming it's not deleted outright because it brings back a topic that had been closed by Tamara after she got one last twist of the knife in,) will result in my getting banned from this board, deemed as a personal attack. I hope not. I hope that the people responsible for administering and moderating this board will think again about the whole incident and will realize just how much damage was done by that one message, just how many people were hurt by it. Because if this board can have someone in a position of great authority that can be so cold, callous, and uncaring that they can willfully and unapologetically hurt thousands that did nothing wrong and face no consequences for it, indeed can be enthusiastically cheered on by the SO's that supposedly support us, then maybe this board isn't what many of its members think it is after all.

Is it so hard to say, "I was wrong, and I'm sorry?"

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So, there you have it. Hopefully, there's a bunch of crossdressers.com members that also are on this site, and word gets around. Because Tamara Croft, who bills herself as "The Grim Reaper" on crossdressers.com, shouldn't be able to sweep the response to her bigoted tirade under the rug.