URNotAlone

Full story about me

June 26th, 2009 1:44 am MDT

  To start off, I am a pre-op MtoF transsexual. I have been on hormones since mid 2008 and in therapy working for the hopes of getting my SRS as soon as possible. My female side has been a part of me my whole life but had always kept it private for fear society and issues the transgender community always faces. In 2007 I was lucky to find someone understanding and supportive and gave me the courage to follow my dream of becoming the woman I truly am. She has been my best friend and couldn't ask for better support. So in 2008 I was able to set the process of transition in motion once and for all. For many years I had gotten to the point of starting my transition but never stayed strong enough to follow through. Now I feel and know I am way past that and know I am safely past the point of no return as I am closer to my female side then what is left of the male side. I know I have conquered my fears and am much stronger for when the road gets rougher.

  I have known there was something different about me as early as the age of five. I was always curious about makeup and girly things and deep down felt that was natural for me. I was mostly a loner all growing up because I knew I didn't fit in. I was not into extremely girly toys and hobbies because I was an only child and never exposed to that. But on the other hand I never found interest in any of the things that boys were normally into. I found a strong interest in arts and crafts so that and computer games is what I spent all my time on.  My family was never understanding of anything different then what they thought was normal so growing up I was never able to open up. Looking back I do regret not finding the courage to confront the issue with my parents when it would have been much easier. I know at birth I was born with issues relating to gender and was constantly under a doctor’s care as well as had multiple surgeries. But at the time I was very young and too young to understand what was going on. As I got older I was still seeing doctors and even in therapy but still not told what for. At about 8 or 9 years old a few different doctors and therapist started talking about issues related to gender and my parents would get highly upset and pull me from their care. So I never really knew what was going on but what little I heard made me look at what I had felt all my life. But I also seen how my parents reacted to it and was too scared to ask or bring anything up and have them get mad at me. After a while the doctor’s visits and therapy stopped.

   I always had many feminine features and when I hit puberty I started growing breasts. I believe my grandmother might have understood my feelings and needs because when I grew breast she had multiple arguments with my parents to get me help but they wouldn’t. All the way up till my late teens I was confused for a girl. The only thing that stopped that or at least made people think twice was that I tired growing a mustache as much as possible which never would come in right. I continued to live my life fighting my feelings and dealing with these issues until medical issues related to my childhood surgeries put me in the hospital. At this time I was just in my early 30’s and was able to understand more. However, my doctors did not go into any details other then what they had to and I was too scared to ask. But this brought everything to the top for me and I knew I could not ignore it anymore. I finally got the courage to research what happened to me as a child and what made me this way. Unfortunately I am finding this to be a hard task as I was moved around so much and seen so many doctors I am not getting anywhere and still afraid to ask parents for help even getting these records. So I know this will take time and might not ever find everything I want to but I am not going to let that stop me from continuing my journey.

  So that tells the story of who I am and what has made me who I am. I don’t know what the road ahead will be like but I know my conviction is strong and will not let anything get in my way of becoming the full woman I am. The only thing I am missing right now is friends and sisters to share in this journey with. I know I have one true friend but really want to find others like myself who are going through what I am and can share wonderful friendships together. Of course, I am open to friendship with genetic females as well the one friend I do have is a genetic female. But it seems the only place to get true understanding and acceptance is within the transgender community. I welcome friendships from all walks of the transgender community but think my strongest friendship will come from other pre-op, post-op, or non-op transsexuals being we would have much more to share. I hope putting myself out there and sharing my life finds me some good people and friends.