Journal Entries for Em
Where to go from here
January 17th, 2011 12:48 am MST
Currently as I sit here typing this journal, I am at what I believe to be a crossroads. I've been living my life going to school, working, helping family members, and re-modeling my parents house when for too long I haven't cared about any of it. I'm just going through the motions and not excelling like I used to forcued, driven, ambitious but now alittle lazy, tired, fed up, stresed, unfocused, denial, petrefied, upset, High Anxiety, and nervous of the future. Yet now that I have been seeing my therpaist for several months now and she has helped me in different ways and helped to unlock memories that I buried fo my childhood.
I have made a plan for myself to get through a few more months of school and graduate get a job and start HRT and everything else. I just want to quit right now! I'm tired of this double life of keeping my true self secret from everone except for a few close friends and yet I'm too afraid of what might happen if I tell my family since still living home. But living home doesn't give Jessica enough face time and its hurting me personally and not allowing me to focus on the things that need to be taken care of in my life.
I see a relatively long road but short ahead of me. But that dream of being a girl that I have had since my early teens seems so far away right now to me. I know that when I get a job I won't be able to go full time right away or mighht have to find a new job to be able to. Should I try and maybe even plan it and get alittle surgery done on my face and maybe even an orchiectofmy before I go full time at work? These are all things that have been running throug my head constantly and the fear of what my family and family friends might say especially my dad.
At this current stage I just need to keep going since almost finsihed and get that job and begin what will become hopefully a great new life as the person I should have been. If I only had the nerve as a teen maybe things would have been easier?
