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Em

"Just told HR this past week that transitioing. Sometime in May will be fulltime!!!!"

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Where to go from here

January 17th, 2011 12:48 am MST

     Currently as I sit here typing this journal, I am at what I believe to be a crossroads.  I've been living my life going to school, working, helping family members, and re-modeling my parents house when for too long I haven't cared about any of it.  I'm just going through the motions and not excelling like I used to forcued, driven, ambitious but now alittle lazy, tired, fed up, stresed, unfocused, denial, petrefied, upset, High Anxiety, and nervous of the future.  Yet now that I have been seeing my therpaist for several  months now and she has helped me in different ways and helped to unlock memories that I buried fo my childhood. 


     I have made a plan for myself to get through a few more months of school and graduate get a job and start HRT and everything else.  I just want to quit right now!  I'm tired of this double life of keeping my true self secret from everone except for a few close friends and yet I'm too afraid of what might happen if I tell my family since still living home.  But living home doesn't give Jessica enough face time and its hurting me personally and not allowing me to focus on the things that need to be taken care of in my life. 


     I see a relatively long road but short ahead of me.  But that dream of being a girl that I have had since my early teens seems so far away right now to me.  I know that when I get a job I won't be able to go full time right away or mighht have to find a new job to be able to.  Should I try and maybe even plan it and get alittle surgery done on my face and maybe even an orchiectofmy before I go full time at work?  These are all things that have been running throug my head constantly and the fear of what my family and family friends might say especially my dad.


     At this current stage I just need to keep going since almost finsihed and get that job and begin what will become hopefully a great new life as the person I should have been.  If I only had the nerve as a teen maybe things would have been easier?

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  • harley mae rogers
    Re: Where to go from here harley mae rogers January 17th, 2011 3:18 am MST

    finish school,be true to yourself(they say high tech is better for tg's)love harleymae

  • tiffany marie sorenson
    Re: Where to go from here tiffany marie sorenson January 17th, 2011 6:12 am MST Hey Jess I went through a hard time for a long time just like you are, living a double life and just like you, it was totally exhausting.  I remember getting extremely depressed not being able to be myself and it felt like I was hurting myself the more i lived my life as a male.  It was miserable.  Im sorry you have to go through the same thing.  One thing you can do and something my therapist said would help me, and it sounds like you already started it, is to set up a timeline for your transition on when you where you want to be.  If youd like I could send you mine and talk to you about it.  Another thing you could do is to tell your parents what your dealing with.  You don't need to tell them anything about transitioning yet.  When I told my parents, I first told them that I was having some big problems with my gender, which they already knew from years of catching me with women's clothing.  So they were understanding when I told them I was going to therapy.  My mom hugged me and said everything would be alright and they would be there for me and my dad was also supportive saying that he just wanted to see me happy and well.  Again if theres anything I can do for you please let me know, I know how lonely it is and how overwhelming this whole transition is and the added stress of working and school doesn't help either. Be safe and take care sweetie <3 tiff
  • Jolena Jaguarxj
    Re: Where to go from here Jolena Jaguarxj November 12th, 2011 6:58 pm MST Em,   I think the others are right.  Finish school and then get on with your life.  I did the same dance as you and it was not fun, so I know your pain.  Hang in there girl.  It gets better! Jolena

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