Journal Entries for Kris Edwards
Big change
May 7th, 2012 12:58 pm MDT
Well, now the fat is in the fire: I've met a GG and we're pretty serious; the issue is, I haven't got around to telling her about Kris yet. I plan to cover my tracks for a bit but not obliterate them, and I plan to set aside Kris' things but not dispose of them. If life progresses as I hope it will, there will come a time when Kris can come back out; for now, however, I need to devote much attention to this new life and probable life partner.
In the three years since my wife died and Kris came home, she--and you all--have been a great solace and a big part of my life. I will not forget that, and will not set that aside. Even as a man, Kris is part of me--and she is part of the person with whom my new love has fallen in love. So she will be here, but perhaps not as visible as in past. As I work through this, watch for me, but don't be alarmed if I am not around as much as in the past.
Love to you all.
Kris
An update
February 5th, 2012 2:36 pm MST
It's been over two years since my last posting; much has happened but not so much. I still primarily dress at home and rarely go out. This remains an issue of both courage and places to go. There is a club less than a mile away that hosts we girls one night a week, but I have yet to find time--and courage--to go. My desire waxes and wanes: some days I feel as if I would burst if I didn't get out while on others I hardly think of dressing at all.
Kris seems to be not very stress-resistant. When my male life is smooth and calm and fun, Kris wants to get some of the attention; but when my male life is stressful or very busy--as it is much of the time these days--she rarely nudges.
But Kris is always there. Sometimes I feel as if I am living that Steve Martin-Lily Tomlin film, where the Lily Tomlin character occupies the body of the Steve Martin character. There are days when I know Kris is looking out from my male eyes. And she always shades my male personality: I find I can compliment a woman on her shoes or her hair or her eyes without feeling awkward, as one woman might another. And there are times when I can hardly resist asking a woman where she got a particular pair of shoes that Kris would love to have.
But we go along. Kris has met lots of wonderful friends and stays in touch with the ones she had. She has developed a pretty god makeup routine and gotten some nice wigs: the experimental stage as to color and style seems to be over. The wardrobe continues to grow. We just got a nice jacket dress with a bright beaded bodice; now we need somewhere to go in it!
My male life finds me in the at-home office many Mondays, so Kris often comes to work. My URNA and Flickr galleries have plenty of pictures of the new stuff.
The next challenge is GGs. My male persona is finally over the shock of losing a wife of 34 years and is contemplating dating and maybe more. The issue of what to do and say about Kris is in the background. We'll play that one as it lays, but two things are true: if a woman falls in love with the male me, there is a lot of Kris there that she loves; and I really can't put Kris back into mothballs. She is me and I am she and we are we, and that's all there is to that.
Baby steps
November 4th, 2009 12:00 am MST
As I mentioned in my earlier journal posting, I have been dressing for a long time but am mostly in the closet. By that I mean I have not only not come out to anyone in my non-Kris life, but it also means I do not go out as Kris. And there is some history there.
Years ago, when I was starting out, I would carry Kris' things with me on business trips if travelling by car (still do). I tried going out a few times. Once I was in a convenience store and bought something--a bottle of water or something--and it went fine. But once I stopped to get some cigarettes in the c-store at a service station and the teenaged girl asked me for ID. Now, I look well over the legal age to purchase tobacco, so I assumed she was just trying to shame me into showing her my driver's license--with its very male photo. I just turned and got back into the car--and never went out again.
But the new "me" wants out. I have purchased a lot of new clothing in the last year: several pair of shoes, several pair of slacks, some sweaters and so on. And I am pretty satisfied with my make-up technique. So I have been itching to go out.
Today after work I came home and got a little dolled up. Not terribly, but nicely: a red mock-turtleneck sweater, some nicely fitting black slacks, my new black pumps--and all the other stuff, too, including nighttime eye shadow and even earrings, After working online and paying bills, I thought, "What the heck"--so I packed my handbag with comb and lipstick and decided to go.
But how? Where? The "how" is made problematical by the fact that I live in a condo: one never knows whom one will meet in the common area or on the elevator, and I am not ready to introduce Kris to the neighbors. So I put the pumps and wig into a bag, tossed a big jacket on, zipped it up and away I went! And all for nothing: I met nobody. I could have walked naked down to the garage tonight.
Now, where? Well, I needed a few things. I needed to go to the ATM--but first, I needed some cigarettes to help calm me down. Now, this was quite a challenge. Remember the last time? And where? This time I'm in my own neighborhood in my own town; the last thing I needed to do is meet an acquaintance. So the supermarket was out. And I didn't need some teenagers in the 7-11 eyeballing me, either. So I went into a liquor store where I never go. I waited until one customer came out before getting out of the car. Asking for the cigarettes in my softest voice was terrifying, but it worked: the clerk got them for me, made change and said "Thank you." We even made eye contact. Did he "make" me? I don't know--but the best part is, I don't care.
Then to the ATM. My greatest concern in going out--one other beginners should consider--is that women won't go unescorted to places a man would not think twice about going to. So I chose an ATM in a busy, well-lighted place I have gone before and seen other women going into. And it was not too late at night, only 7:30. And the best thing that happened? A young man came into the shelter where the ATM is located, glanced at me--and went on about his business. He didn't start or stare or anything else!
A digression. When I used to go out years ago I used to drive around and see if anyone looked at me. Many did, but they looked briefly and looked away. I was disappointed: I was hoping someone would check me out. I never realized the real compliment to my transition to Kris is that I did not stand out or deserve a second look--just another middle-aged woman in her car.
Anyway, all set--NOW where? So I drove downtown. I went up and down one of the shopping streets to see if there was any activity, and there was: the stores were open and shoppers were strolling. So I parked and joined the crowd. I did not make eye contact here but concentrated on walking carefully, not falling off my heels, not striding too long, not doing anything too overtly mannish. And again, no stares, no second looks. The only hitch was when the teenager in the parking-lot booth looked twice when asking me for my fee--or at least I thought she did.
And off to home. I was ready to take off the wig and the pumps and put on the shoes and jacket, but decided to try it. And so I did. Same as before: I could have been nude for all the attention I got. And home.
The moral of this story? Baby steps. First just dressing; then getting breastforms (foam ones, at first); then a wig; then makeup; then clothing. Next on the agenda are boots and jeans--both of which are on order and du in next week. After that? Who knows? Tune in for the next installment!
New girl in town
October 25th, 2009 10:55 pm MDT
Hi, all! This is the end of my first weekend on URNotAlone, and I already feel welcome; in fact, I have received several welcomes. After some time on the AOL chatroom circuit I am hoping to find some more meaningful friendships here. Don't get me wrong--many of those girls are here, too--but the level of vitriol on the AOL chatrooms has driven me away. Not for good, mind you, but in general.
Now, a little about me. I am a crossdresser. I am not a woman trapped in a man's body--at least, I don't think so--nor slouching toward SRS or HRT; I'm just someone who loves being in touch with the feminine side of my nature and finds that dressing and taking on the persona of Kris helps with that. I am well and truly on the "mature" side of life: I turned 57 this month (October). I am a plus-sized gal: size 18W on the bottom and 20W on the top (how that makes buying suits a pain!). I wear size 10-1/2 or 11 shoes, depending on the width. My wig collection leads toward light brown, close to my natural hair color, but I also have a mostly-gray wig as befitting my age. I fill out my bosom with silicone forms.
My wardrobe leans toward conservative dress: mostly slacks and sweaters, or knee-length or longer skirts and dresses. I think I have good legs for shorter styles but my non-Kris life makes shaving my legs--and almost everything else--inconvenient. I also wear mostly longer sleeves--no sleeveless summer dresses for me, I'm afraid.
On a personal note, I am still very much in the closet: nobody who knows me as the male person I am knows about Kris. My late wife did not. On the other hand, with her passing several months ago, I am able to dress every day; as I said to one girlfriend, "Kris came home" after my wife died. She would not have understood nor tolerated my dressing, so out of respect I did not do so at home ever, even when she was not at home. And I did inherit a few blouses, some sweaters and my favorite Empire-waisted dress for wearing around the house from her.
On an interpersonal note, I am self-identified as bi. I have been intimate with men but never as Kris; the crossdressing and sexual sides of my life have heretofore been separated. How that my change over time is hard to say, but for now I do not dress for fetishistic reasons or to find a date: I simply dress as Kris for the sheer pleasure of it.
So thanks for reading this. Feel free to drop me a line, anybody, if any of this piques your interest. I'm here to find friends and to reassure myself that, as the name on the door suggests, I am not alone.
