URNotAlone

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December 2nd, 2009 6:05 pm MST

Fall

 

I didn't need to piss but I said, "I need to go to the bathroom" and got out of the boat. The boat was decked out like a float with reeds and cattails disguising our presence. "Camouflage is essential" Buddy'd said showing off the spray painted patterns that covered both his Cherokee and john boat.

I'd said, "Cubism."

Randy'd said, "Bullshit"

We'd had a huge argument about whether camouflage was developed by the analytical cubists or some special military science geniuses. Buddy's encyclopedia settled it. I won, Alexis had triumphed, I gloated. It was just one of the little things that built our dislike for each other.

 

Our party was made up of Hank Rawlins, a K.C. Orthodontist, his brother Buddy who owned the boat, A German guy named Luther, an oral surgeon extraordinaire from upstate in suburban Baltimore, Gordon 'my dentist guy,' his hygienist Cat and her boy-friend (husband it never was too clear,) Randy. They were all good friends. Then there was me, Alick, posing as Alexis--girlfriend to married dentist Gordo, AKA Wallace, Wand regular. I called him M.D.G. He thought it was cute, only I knew what it meant.

 

Just getting out of the boat I felt better. I looked up at the low sky sucking clouds up out of the water and into itself. It was as though this was the single point of union between sky and water, as if here in Maryland, in this bay, right here--this was the source of all clouds, all rain, all fog.

"Pick your spot honey" Randy yelled "You're standing in the world's largest toilet."

Cat asked If I wanted her to come too.

I said, "No, it's okay. Don't want you to miss your shot."

 

I headed away from the boat relieved to be alone and knowing Cat was for once actually glad I'd turned down her offer. She was a regular miss LL. Bean and undoubtedly would be the first to fire if the ducks came in. I hoped they didn't show, but knew they would--Cat'd shoot her limit and smile the whole time.

 

We'd been out on the water since five spreading our little inflatable balloon decoys and waiting in the rain. Randy's curly haired retriever, Botto couldn't keep his nose out of my crotch, was incessantly  sniffing around. I called him a fucking mutt and Randy told me "Don't take it out on the dog, Bitch."

Cat said, "Don't call her that."

"She's been on the rag the whole trip and that's it." Randy said, then he'd added "Sorry Gordon" but didn't stop, "There are reasons women shouldn't come duck hunting. They can't appreciate it."

I said, "Well that's hard to explain isn't it? What's not to appreciate in ambushing birds with the sole intent to cripple, maim, or kill?"

"Awh shut up Green-peace and hunt."

Gordon patted my padded ass and told me to sit down and give it a chance, if we saw some birds this morning I'd see. I pouted silently for another hour. Then the piss idea hit me.

 

***

 

"Melissa, you've gotta help me, I'm going away middle of the month and I need to pass as a woman, out in public, and up close."

"You do." was all she had to say.

Then she sat. She was waiting for more. I dropped into a comfy chair, leaned back and stretched, "This apartment's nice." I said. She'd moved again.

"Hello Melissa would be nice."

"Hello Melissa."

 "You going to tell me more or is it just 'make me look like a girl Melissa?' The rests a secret?"

"Something like that" I smiled. She waited. "You want more?" I said.

"Yes, yes tell me."

"I gotta look cute."

"Oh-ka-kay."

She walked slowly around me, eyeing me over

I started undressing. She said "God Neil, you do that easy enough, you mean all this time that's all it'd take?"

"Good things come to those who ask" I said.

She'd told me to strip down so she could see what she was working with. She stopped, put a finger to her mouth, bit on the inside of her cheek, "You know Neil, I never would have figured you for the black bikini type."

I said, "Melissa, you doing this for thrills or do we have a project?"

"Oh we have a project" She said putting on her glasses, "but a girls entitled to thrills on the side."

I smiled coyly.

"Don't be a bitch, Neil, or I won't help you."

"Sorry darling."

"That's better."

It was typical of Melissa and my sarcastic banter.

"How's Nat?" Melissa ventured.

"We're fucked, forget it."

She nodded and didn't push it, said, "First of all we need to put some more butt on you. you're a rail. We'll keep you on the flat side--you don't have to be busty do you?"

"I need something upstairs" I said placing my hands on my chest.

"Big tits on a guy" she shook her head "that always looks draggy"

I said, "Perkys good--No drag."

"Okie dokie then, a perky thirty-four B. I think." She handed me a bra from her drawer "Try this one."

"Oh Melissa," I said all sentimental, "are we gonna be the same size?"

"Uh-huh, you okay with that?"

She turned in profile arching and displaying her not that big bosom and said

"This all got anything to do with your oh so mysterious employment?"

I said, "Going undercover."

She laughed, "I'm not doing this if you're a cop, a fed, or C.I.A.--they got their own people."

"Right." I said flapping my arms trying to get comfortable in her bra, "These things always feel like this?" I looked over my shoulder and adjusted the straps, "Oh, that's a bit better?"

She laughed into her hands covering her face.

"Okay Melissa, that's enough"

 

Pulling at my hair she said, "Can I re-cut it?" .

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"This will be fun." She started  pinning up hair--we'll give you a cute boyish cut..."

"You sure?"

"Yeah sure. A boyish style through out."

"Is that a good idea?"

"Yes it's a good idea."

She gathered herself together and presented her plan. "What I think's gonna work is to stick close to what you really look like; you're not going to pass as some blonde bomber voluptuous doll, but a harsh bitchy andro-tom-boyish babe--I can get you there."

 

With bobbie pins between her lips, she casually asked, "So what are you spose to be?"

"A dentist's girlfriend on a long weekend to Washington."

"Oh, an elegant affair." She said dipping her head and arching her brow.

"Yep." I said. "Plus duck hunting."

"Duck hunting?"

"Uhm Humm--" I feigned a woman examining her nails "--he's taking me duck hunting."

"Who?"

"My Dentist Guy"

"You are so weird--I don't believe a bit of it" She said.

 

It was an old trick I'd used on my Mom, tell the truth but sound like you're lying. I used to tell my Mom I was going to meet Dennis, try to have sex with some girls, and if that didn't work out, we'd buy some drugs and drive around the county.

Mom'd say, "Okay have a good time," not believing a word of it.

 

Staring at me, with all my hair up, she said, "You know you've got a kind of a girlie face, great lips, nice brows, pretty eyes, with a little make-up--" She sort of hopped, "We can do this Neil! It'll be fun. Let me get some measurements." She called from the kitchen "I'm thinking high neck line so we don't need to show cleavage, maybe off the shoulders. You've got nice feminine shoulders, if we keep em bare it will minimize them--play up the long arms. Don't cut your nails."

"Check." I said nodding.

"Sleeveless" she said, "So they can catch a bit a lace from your bra, they see a little bra lace from the side, imaginations run wild, you'll have tits for sure."

She came up to me begging a kiss "Do this-" she said making kissy lips in my face. I puckered up.

"Shit! You do that way too good."

"Think so huh?"

She nodded "Way-way too good."

 

She skipped back into the kitchen came back with a spray bottle. Snip spray snip snip snip, spray. "This is great." She said, "Now this is art."

Snip spray snip.

"Melissa," I said.

She stopped snipping and spraying, looked down to my eyes from my hair  "What?"

"Secrecy."

"You bet baby. I'm with ya on that. Word gets out, I'll be doin' this full time for the boys in De-Zign."

 

Melissa was a wonder. She made two nice sets of falsies, a double unit--the whole bust, and a pair of singles with right and left embroidered on them so I wouldn't screw up and look funny. She made a hip riding garter belt that filled out and curved my hips, padded my butt. For under that, she put together special underwear that compressed and drew the family jewels back between my legs. She made three custom dresses and supplemented them with simple casual unisex clothes decked up with girlie accessories. We had a blast, trying every thing out.

 

I came out of the bathroom. We were testing the get up at a school dance, the art college's Fall fest. My third, this time without Natalie.

 

"You're gorgeous." Melissa said and made silent polite clapping gestures. She added, "Honey, I'd kill for your legs" and shook her head, wolf whistled, cat called. "Baby you're killer, as long as you keep your legs crossed and everyone out of your panties, they'll never know."

"Melissa,"

She bowed, said "I know, thank you. Thank you."

I said, "Okay sure thanks, but what I was going to say is, you'll make a great mom with advice like that."

"Just mind you take it, you start taking it off and it's all over princess--And Neil--"

"What?"

"Stick to flats--you're too tall for heels."

"I like these."

"Too tall--Go take them off!"

"Oh mom!"

"I want you to be popular honey."

"Oh I'll be popular" I said

I looked in the full length. She was right. I was too tall for heels. I said "Think we can take them back?"

"Uhm humm"

"Do you think this skirt's too short?"

"You're beautiful" she said, "fucking perfect, leave it alone."

 

The shop tech made a pass at me at the dance, this was a big bearded guy I saw nearly everyday. I let him kiss me, to be sure he was fooled, we frenched, then I turned him down. He remained clueless. I wasn't Frankenstien--Melissa was an artist.

 

***

 

 

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