Journal Entries for Christine Gwen Sweetleggs
Who I Am...
December 2nd, 2009 4:12 pm MST
Early in life, I began to notice the feminine qualities in my emotions and behavior, caring, compassion, tenderness ect.. I've always felt that I'd been delt some unusual cards in life, and I've played them the best that I could. While I've had a very long, very difficult time balancing the two very different sides of my life, I do love living this side of my life to the fullest, as best I can, and I take my inner and outer femininity very seriously. Crissy had first shown herself to me at a very early age, and I knew then, as I know now, that she would be a part me.. forever. Crissy is a very real, living, breathing part of me and desires affection and interaction like anyone else in the world. I recall one time...a few years ago...I had not been able to bring her out for a few months, and when I finally did, and saw her face in the mirror...I began to cry...as I had missed her sooo very much! Like most people here, probably, I've had to hide this side of myself from all the people in my life, who I love. That is a very painful thing, to repress for so very long. This is not a phase or a sexual fetish thing to me, I wish that it was that simple...it is Who I Am. I did not ask for this, God knows.. I've cursed it, I've tried to suppress it, I've tried to deny it, all to no avail. I cannot really deny Who I Truly Am..it is what it is..and I Am Who I Am. In some ways, it's a blessing ,something beautiful and near and dear to my heart..And in other ways, it really is a curse and often a source of serious inner sadness, confusion and lack of fulfillment in life. Have I been "living a lie" all my life? Yes, as far as my friends and family know me. Am I a crossdresser?, well...it could be argued that, yes, to some, I am (technically)..however, I, personally, do not or cannot see it that way. The internal strife and emotional rollercoaster that I live with, daily, says otherwise. For me, it's not about the act of putting on a dress or lingerie, and being done with it. I do, really, wish that it was that simple. It's that my inner being just happens not to correspond with my outer being. And yes, I do call it "living a lie". It is a very complicated matter for me, and one that I've lived with every single day of my life. I don't think that someone typically classified as a "crossdresser" would have these emotions and inner conflict to deal with for a lifetime. I don't have a lot of answers about myself, but if I had to define myself to one word, I would have to say...Transgendered...is the best word. Am I prepared to undergo the physical changes that some TG individuals do? No... it's too late in my life to do that. Am I ready for my son to see me shove off to work in a business skirt and heels? No...I am not. I've chosen a path in life, and I've also played the cards that have been delt to me. Things in my life are too far along to make these "permanent" changes now. If I had it to do all over again, would I do things differently? I can't really answer that. I love my family, and would never do anything to jeopardize my family unit, but yes, I do "live a lie" every day as a "normal male". Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate the "equipment" that God gave to me, and I would never want to give that up, but I, like many others, have had some serious gender issues that I've had to deal with my entire life.Christine is just..Who I am, and I can't change that.One thing that I appreciate about this site is that most people on here are non-judgemental, being accepting of all others. Sure, I spend time on or am a member of other sites for likeminded people, but you know what? Most tend to swing one way or the other, with a general low threshold of tolerance for people that may be a little bit on the other side of the fence. Otherwise....I am finally fulfilling my lifes dream to make a positive change and live and work in New York City, and am planning my relocation, from Florida, in early January 2010. At this time, I do not really know very many people there, and I am actively seeking to make new friends, "Girlfriends" to hang out and "go out" with. I may be interested in becoming a roommate of a similar girl, or someone with similar interests. I am serious, and am seeking serious people. I am a sweet, caring and gentle person by nature, and am seeking the same. If any of you NYC girls are interested in having a sweet southern girlfriend to hang with...I'd love to hear from you! Christine Gwen Sweetleggs
