Journal Entries for Trisha Belle
depressed again...
September 15th, 2011 1:42 am MDT
This is just kind of a depressed journal entry. Feel free to pass this one by as it's just me goin' on and on about what's buggin' me... :)
Been strugglin' with anxiety more than ever before over the last several months since losing my home and job. But a couple days ago, depression came back pretty powerfully. I think about my age and how badly I want to start my physical transition, but then think about how unsuccessful I've been with jobs over the course of my life and my age (did I already mention my age? lol...)
It keeps looking like I'll need to relocate to Oregon, which I've never lived in, in order to get some kind of help from the state because Washington, where I live now, has cut me off from any benefits other than food. I've been off my medication for depression for going on 6 months and it sucks. I'm scared to move over there though... scared of a lot of things.
I have varying degrees of motivation to want to get "well" mentally, but even less motivation to attempt acquiring employment, which is really not cool of me. I have such a hard time trying to make myself look good when I really don't believe in myself at all.
oh... blah blah blah... I'm gettin' older an' will never be the pretty little girl I wanna be... I'll never have enough money to become anything remotely close to how I wanna look... and more blah blah blah... ugh!
Okay, I'm done... lol
Guys bother me
August 29th, 2011 8:34 am MDT
(This is just a little rant...)
Now I realize already what guys are like... and yet I keep hoping for something different. I guess that's unrealistic. :(
So yeah... I'll start chatting with a guy and they tell me how cute I am or something and I love it. I giggle and smile... THEN they ask what I'm wearing. Seems innocent enough... I tell them. Then they ask WHAT ELSE I'm wearing. This seems to be the point at which I SHOULD take notice and just end the chat. OR if I'm not dressed, which has been the case more often than not lately since I'm between homes and sharing a residence with a family right now, and I mention that I'm not really dressed up right now, almost immediately they "have to go".
I feel so... violated or something... like their whole goal was to imagine me undressed or something so they can perv on me. What happened to conversation?! :(
It really feels bad when I start chatting with someone and feel like maybe we're connecting a little bit and then they have to go because I mentioned I'm not dressed right now or I can't get on cam right now and they just leave. It seems so obvious what's going on and yet I keep hoping that guys are different.
I have run into a couple guys that ARE different than that but... even then... I don't know... I'm just not really into guys... but I am into having human interaction...
Oh well... it's just frustrating... I think most guys are just dumb and gross... lol
-Trisha Belle
Wow... coming out is such a trip!
January 2nd, 2011 10:17 am MST
I just can't believe all the support I'm getting... from people I work with... people who come into my store...
And even "trippier" is how my wife, who I'm separated from for over 2 years now, encouraged me to NOT feel ashamed and be more open about it... SHE thinks I dress up too much! Crazy how stuff works out... I'm thankful she helped me to have the guts to kinda get "real" with myself about this stuff... sucks now that she's uncomfortable with it but... oh well... we haven't been "together" for a long time and I'm much more engaged with my coming out now than ever before...
I'm SOOOO thankful for this website... as it was one of the very first places I could "come" and "hang out" and "be a girl". I hardly come on here anymore 'cause I've been interacting with people face to face and tellin' them... and I even walked with a friend to my store dressed up the other night... it was so fun... and this guy there came up and told me I looked really good... he knew I was a CD... but it was still so nice! :D I couldn't believe it! lol...
Anyways... I just wanted to share an update of my coming out process with all of you who have so "been there" for me when I was first coming out... just barely... lol... and were so sweet and supportive to me. Thank you SO much!
-Trisha
coming out a little more...
November 19th, 2010 3:28 am MST
So, I can't believe I did it... I think I was drunk when I did, but... I posted about 7 pics on my "guy" facebook page... I've had 2 facebooks for a while, one as a guy and one as a girl. My guy page has like over 70 people I've known from church and various other places... and I "came out" on there! Hardly anyone from my old church said anything but, almost every single comment I've received there was SOOOO nice and supportive!!
I feel so much better that I'm not hidin' it anymore... coming out a little more all the time! :D
-Trisha Belle
feelin' blue
November 3rd, 2010 10:39 am MDT
lol... here's a "poem"... if you can call it that... lol...
oh, to close my eyes in sadness
considering all my pain
wanting to sleep forever
and never wake again
why should I be so sad?
the question comes to mind
perhaps because of darkness
that seeks to make me blind
darkness of the soul
is not a friend of mine
and yet I hold her close
and listen all the time
I've never been a poet
but I thought that I would try
to express something deep inside
'cause I feel like I might cry
Not sure why I'm blue today... maybe stress... bills... teen-age daughter... gettin' older... coming out... heaven/hell/eternity... thoughts... feelings... relationships... family, or lack there-of... oh well... :)
-Trisha Belle
I'm pretty!!! :D
October 31st, 2010 12:03 pm MDT
So yeah... my new room-mate, this guy named Harry... today I asked him again, if I look pretty! And he straight up told me yes!!! I was like,... lol... well... it's hard for me to believe... 'cause I think most CD's look like guys in a dress or whatever... lol... sorry, no offense to anyone... and... he was like... yeah... you look pretty...
I am so overwhelmed with feelings... I have SOOOO wanted to be pretty... or look pretty... or whatever.... lol... and that meant SO MUCH to me!
Anyways... I just wanted to share that... gosh! (blush)... sometimes I really feel like i feel like a girl... lol..... :D
-Trisha Belle
omg
October 11th, 2010 12:07 pm MDT
Wow!... I am amazed... I have this great conversation with someone online here... and then, apparently, I said somethin' wrong! and he's all like... "Bye"... and I'm totally flabergasted!!!
He was talkin' like I'm a female and I should just accept it. Said somethin' 'bout givin' a husband a bj every morning... and I was like, "every morning?" and he's like, "yeah".... and I was like... "I don't know but... that's kinda givin' me a 'not so girly' feelin' "down there"..." and then he's like, "Bye" !!!!
So... WTF did I say wrong?!... he's all talkin' 'bout sex... and I mention that I am kinda "feelin' it"! and he's like, "Bye"?!
whew... srry.... just lettin' off some steam...
I just... hate when someone gets offended at me and I don't even know what I did wrong, ya know? jeez... :(
-Trisha Belle
I don't think I'm goin' out anymore
October 1st, 2010 11:09 am MDT
Kinda angry 'bout some stuff... (sigh)... don't like bein' angry. :(
I got to go out recently... a couple weeks ago... and it was like a dream for me! I had an outfit I thought was really pretty and did my makeup... :D... and every time I got up and walked outside for a smoke or went to the bathroom... i swayed my butt an' stuff... he he... anyways... ehhem... lol... it was SO great! I felt like some kinda princess!
The person who took me out was from a nearby town and was a CD too... a bit older... like 60 somethin' I think... and... the first time we spoke on the phone, one of his.. um her... first questions was what orientation I was. I said hetero mainly... but that I'd had a few experiences with a few guys...
I don't know... she invited me to stay overnight at her place but... I don't know... on the way up this person seemed so manly... like no feminine like... attitude... I don't know! Seemed grumpy on the drive towards the traffic... really turned me off... can't tolerate someone with anger behind the wheel... I found a way to get over it... but anyways... then like the whole time we're there at her place, she's watchin' sports and war documentaries and stuff...
I kept changin' clothes every few hours... lol... but never really got any attention to speak of... but I had fun... she even gave me a couple pair of ear-rings!... I thanked her so much...
At one point in the evening, she asked, if I remember this correctly, if I wanted to kiss... I'd been drinkin' a bit... she had some liquor... mmmm yum... don't get that every day! lol... so I was willing to give it a go... well... um.... it was icky! ... lol... this fat tongue goin' in and out of my mouth and stubble all around... EWE! LOL...
What surprised me was halfway through the next week, she calls and asks if I'd like to go out again. I said I'd love to! My room-mate, however, a GG, was so interested... she wanted so bad to come along... so I asked this person if she'd mind my room-mate comin' with us... she said okay... but immediately started answerin' in one-word answers... I got the impression I'd said something that "wasn't cool" with her... then the day before we were gonna go out again, she called and said there was an emergency with somebody and she couldn't go...
Anyways... I'm sure there's lotsa different kinds of people out there... but... it was just SO disappointing that... I don't know... here for the second day now... like... in the last 8 months or so... I'm not dressin' up! 
... and... and... and I've been angry and irritable a lot it seems... I don't like feelin' this way. :(
So, I guess I'm goin' through somethin'... and... hmmm.... I wonder if those herbal things I've been takin' are actually effecting my moods or somethin'... been takin' 610 mg capsules of Fenugreek for a few months... like... 6 a day.
Well... I just needed to blow off some steam here... I also just told a best friend, that I've known for like, 30 years... to basically F off... or at least that the friendship was over... it was hard to do... but I'd been thinkin' 'bout doin' it for months... maybe years...
Well... enough rambling here... I'm gonna get back to surfin' somewhere on the internet! ... maybe go to the chat room and see who's in there...
If you read this, I... appreciate that. It feels good to feel like someone cares... when yer feelin' kinda lonely... :)
-Trisha Belle
Untitled Post
June 4th, 2010 4:19 pm MDT
Wow... it's been a couple months since I've had internet at home and I've missed bein' around everyone on here... but...
I have been able to do quite a bit of research about HRT and orchiectomy and SRS and transitioning in general. I'm very glad that I chose to research all this. I really had no idea what this was all about... all I knew is how I felt. Oh, and I took a test (can't remember the name) to determine what my particular gender issue is. It seemed to indicate, after taking it a couple times 'cause some of the questions are difficult to pick only 1 answer for, that I am right about on the cusp between being an androgyne and being a possible transexual.
Well, I certainly feel, now, more educated about all of this AND more in touch with my own feelings and what I want. I think I even found a counselor, though I haven't contacted the place yet, in my own town here that deals with gender identity stuff and my "next step" will be to make contact with them to see if I can even afford to see a therapist or if my insurance might cover this kind of thing.
Well, anyways... :) ... I though I should kind of update anyone who remembers me from here as I've been away for a while and I didn't want anyone to think I'd just disappeared! lol...
I've been dressing EVERY day after work and usually all weekend long for months now. I have some new friends who are very accepting about that and it's very nice. I've gotten some breast forms! YAY! and a couple new bras! I've been able to go into stores ALL BY MYSELF about 4 or 5 times or so now and pick out clothes and take them to the dressing room and try them on and then buy them! I'm so excited that I can do that now... I haven't run into any problems with people about that yet... I hope I don't in the future.
My hope for therapy is firstly to get MORE in touch with what I feel and what I want. I'm kind of thinking that I'd be interested in maybe an orchiectomy, or at least HRT or some androgen blocker... just to see... I don't know. But it looks like things are moving in a direction, which is a big improvement over doing absolutely nothing! :)
Ok well, I'm done. If you read this, thank you. -TrishaBelle
Concerns...
March 2nd, 2010 12:12 pm MST
Hello, journal... it's been a while!
So, I've been a little concerned lately about how... um... powerful this "urge" to dress can become. It seems like an obsession or an addiction or... I don't know. I know I'm not alone in my experience with this since I've talked to several others who are or have experienced the same kind of thing.
I feel like somehow this isn't "being me"... but that I'm obsessed with being something I'm not. That doesn't sound healthy... and yet... I don't know!... (sigh)
So yeah... I'm concerned. But meanwhile... I feel adorable! I just seem to think about this ALL THE TIME! and ... yeah...
I kinda don't like the thought that I'm "under the influence" of something... or "out of control" or something, you know? And yet, there's something about the thought of getting "carried away" with all this that... kinda seems... exciting... scary... fun... a little erotic maybe... lol...
I wonder if I'm just tired of being the person I've been so far in my life... if this is all just some kind of escape... that just doesn't sound healthy to me.
I feel like the only choice for me is to either stop, which hasn't worked so well before... and the feelings are still there even after years of not dressin' up... or to "give in" to it... and who knows where that will end?!
Well, thanks for lettin' me talk a little here... :)
-Trisha Belle
Ooh! My darn internet!
January 16th, 2010 12:52 pm MST
I've talked to some really really nice people on here... and then my internet disco's my right when I start talkin'... then I get back on as quick as I can and they are either gone or they don't respond when I come back... and... OOH! SO frustrating... I SOOOOOO want to connect with people on here... even though I'm shy and lurk a lot... lol... This is just to say, if I've upset anyone or said somethin' wrong... please understand I don't mean to be rude to anyone, okay! I love talkin' to EVERYONE I've talked to so far... and thank you all SO MUCH for talkin' to me and encouraging me and informing me and the nice wecomes and compliments (can't get enough of those... lol)... THANK YOU SO MUCH ALL OF YOU!!!! -Trisha Belle
one of those days, I guess...
January 13th, 2010 3:34 pm MST
Oh, journal! Well, the gf/room-mate was "ready" to talk last night about our "relationship"... she expressed how she felt about me talkin' to guys online as a lady... and that she wasn't cool with that... seems perverted to her... I can't blame her but I DID explain that I'm not gettin' all gross... that I'm bein' real with WHOEVER I talk to... and that usually the guys will stop talkin' to me real fast when they see that they're not getting anywhere with me... 'cause I'm just not really comfortable with the notion of "hooking up", like it seems most of the guys are... even though there are times that that might seem a little enticing... hmm... So, yeah... well, this morning I wrote these thoughts down while lookin' out my bedroom window... I'll warn ya, they're kinda out there, maybe... just where my mind goes... I'm always "processing" stuff in my mind... It's not necessarily related to my dressing or anything, but it is about me and my feelings...: Every waking... we open our eyes and see the world around us... It IS REAL... yet we find ourselves constantly running away to more pleasurable areas of the mind and soul... choosing to cocoon ourselves in a safe, comfortable place... warm, snug, imaginary... but real enough, we suppose... Have you ever just looked out your windows and watched the wind blow the trees and grass? The clouds moving by in the background... and thought about the sheer sense of HOW real what you're seeing is? That those trees ARE right there and you ARE ovserving them...the wind, that you can't see, is just as real and is interacting with those trees... pushing against them... SHOWING that it too is real! And... has it ever occurred to you the implications when considering what the truth IS? Is not the truth something as undeniable as what you can see with your eyes? Staring you in the face?! Looking right into the eyes of your heart? The deeper truths... the invisible, yet undeniable substances and forces of nature that lie in higher dimensions, or greater ones, of reality. Those things like love and hate... and purpose, meaning, intentions... Doesn't the very fact that physical reality stares us in the face and isn't moved by our desires but "does what it does" speak to our hearts about the very nature of all reality? That it is what it is and it isn't what we might imagine. Can the tree deny that the wind is pushing it? Can we deny what is pushing us? Do we know what it is? CAN we know? Don't we want to SEE reality so we can avoid stumbling and getting hurt as often as we do going about our journey in life? It seems we rely too heavily on our own opinions and imaginations of life and the world and people... and that we're blind to so much. We get hurt, we're not sure "why"... we try to learn from it and move on... then we're there again! and again! Reality is bumping us in the noggin to say, "Hey! Wake up! I'm real! Look out!" Will we listen? Can't we see? I like to ponder the deep meaning in the world around me... as if every person, place, thing, interaction, feeling, whatever... carries a message... like a book of some kind that can be read... or put on a shelf. I think when we ask the question, "What does this all mean?" that reality IS answering us... and has been our whole life... are we listening? Are we seeing? I want to. Well, that's it... more than enough for today's journal entry, I think! lol... :)
um...
January 12th, 2010 8:36 pm MST
So... this first week has been really great! (at URNA)... I feel like a lady while I'm there... and the guys... yeah... they sure say a lot of stuff... but some are sweet. So... I'm dressin' more around the house and my gf/room-mate is bein' nice about it... I know it's difficult for her... she REALLY likes me as a guy... but she's givin' me space to be who I am and express this stuff... and she knows I'm on here and I talk about some of it with her. I'm not sure yet... but it almost seems like we might be able to connect on some levels that maybe we hadn't been able to before... lol... we were just talkin' about guys a little while ago... lol Well... I was hopin' to have more to say here but... oh yeah... my profile says I'm bi-curious and that's honest... but I still like girls best! So pretty... and... yeah... -Trisha
How do I feel about being transgendered?
January 11th, 2010 12:24 pm MST
I'm not sure HOW to feel about it... lol... I have a penis! I'm not sure how to feel about being a guy still and somehow... feeling like a lady... I've chatted with some guys on here and gotten some really honest responses from them. I've tried to be honest about how I feel... even though I'm a little confused still... I love being told that I'm pretty! It makes me smile and feel warm and fuzzy. lol... I'm glad I joined URNA! I'm enjoying "exploring" these new feelings... maybe a little paranoid and scared still... lol... I'm so glad for everyone who has added me to their friend's lists and talked to me online... I feel welcomed, adored (blushing), and supported even! But yeah... how do I feel about being a "lady" with a penis? Not sure how to put THAT together!
hmm...
January 9th, 2010 9:14 pm MST
I a VERY thoughtful person... which in my case means I spend a LOT of time in my thoughts... but that doesn't mean that I'm fantasizing... sometimes, yes, and that's mostly about, well lately, sucking cock. But PLEASE don't get me wrong... I HAVE NEVER done that! While tied down once in a threesome, the guy put his ***** in my mouth and I tried for a sec to suck but then gagged and that was that... It been on my mind lately, but I am NOT attracted to guys! But I also don't know what it might be like to be treated like a lady... or another fantasy, forced feminization... I don't know why that gets me goin' like it does... whew... A nice lookin' guy, Ohio, chatted with me and apparently enjoyed our interaction until I mentioned... lol... that I hadn't shaved my legs in quite a while... and he was all like, oh, that's it... all systems down... lol... it made me laugh, but after I thought about it for a minute, I felt bad. I didn't mean to ruin that guy havin' a good time, but I got my issues too and I guess I'm okay. I would very much like to shave my legs again and dress girly as much as I can around the house, but my girlfriend/roommate kinda gets irritable with it after a little while... Guys? If any guy reads this... I'm not sure about "how" to feel towards you if you're looking for sex... I've been a bottom? If that's the right term... I've been there maybe a handful of times with the same person/s... had my ***** sucked a few times with no success... limp... and made out with another guy, which was surprising ('cause he just jumped up in my face and started french kissin' me and I just went along with it)... I was very comfortable around him... he was artistic and funny and full of energy and bi and thought everyone in the world was bi... lol... he had REALLY deep thoughts and feelings about the world and himself... he's gone now but I'll never forget his mind, his prickly face... lol... and his energy... I don't think I ever looked at him and wanted sex... but I loved bein' around him and dressin' up... he complimented me a lot and smiled and raised his eyebrows... he was fun and cute... But... there isn't much to tell about my "experiences"... bi-curious? yeah... I think so... just scared shitless. I feel "vulnerable" when I take on a feminine persona and get very nervous around people I don't know... I think there's an element of excitement at the idea of being dominated somehow... forced to dress... tied up... "used" and played with... I don't know... just tryin' to open up here a littel, I guess... I have to say... I liked that Ohio liked me... it felt good to think that a guy was sittin' there looking at my picture, imagining me bein' all pretty... and liking me and maybe wanting me... that makes me smile and feel special in a way that I don't think I've experienced before... He looks good too... you know, for a guy... lol... nice chest and abs... great shape physically, good looking face too... okay, okay... Enough rambling for tonight. Nighty-night, journal.
Wow...
January 8th, 2010 12:16 am MST
Well, I've only been on here a few days now, got my profile comin' together, and I've had a bunch of profile views... wow. I thought I could get by UN-noticed... that's kinda my normal "mode"... to disappear into the background when there's lots of people around.
I sometimes "lurk" in the chat rooms on here and crossdresserchatcity since I've discovered them in the last week but I never know what to say... I guess I'm just tryin' to get a feel for what other crossdressers are like... and the admirers...
I never really thought about how it might be to have a guy look at me... or like the way I look as a girl... I think it's flattering... I've never been into guys for romance... but I have had curious thoughts about it over the last few years...
Well, here I go rambling again... lol... I think I'll jump back into the chat rooms and "watch" some more now... bye! 
Untitled Post
January 7th, 2010 11:22 am MST
My journal... hmm... well, I've spent a great deal of my life trying to figure out WHY I am easily fixated on "pretty" things and wanting to BE pretty. I actually remember being around 2 and 3 years old and how it felt when a lady would walk by in a skirt or a dress... it seems that my eye has always been drawn to the bottom hem of such a garment... the lace or ruffles... I still get fixated when I see someone wearing a multi-tiered skirt or something... or lace... I love lace... ok... I'm back now... lol
I don't think enough females wear pretty things these days... and SOMEBODY'S got to!
I've only just joined URNA within the last few days. I like the picture I chose for my profile... but I'm still trying to figure out how to get rid of the first one I uploaded from my webcam since I wasn't dressed and I think I look silly.
So, yeah... I have a girlfriend kind of relationship going on but we live together and I find it hard to... I don't know... be myself around her. Well, there's lots to that but in keeping with the context of this website, I'll just say that she doesn't really like my dressing up and I resist the urge to most of the time because of that.
I'm a deep thinker... always have been... I remember bein' a kid, up 60 feet in a tree in the woods behind my back yard, thinking about the relationship of the physical dimensions to one another and how that might shed some light on the relationship between the physical realm and the dimension of time... okay, that's just a taste of where my mind can go... and it's always goin'... but the point here is... I think I am a strange person...
People seem to like me at first... but after a while they can tell that I don't really like myself... and that makes it hard for them to like me the longer we hang out... I do have a long term established friendship with a guy who really knows me better than anyone else... but new relationships are difficult for me... I'm always keeping people at arms length... and people get tired of that... and I can't blame 'em... I just don't know how to NOT do that!
Well, I just wanted to ramble for a few here and put some of my random thoughts on here... to give someone who might stop by here and taste of who I am... I want to be "known"... I guess I feel a little lonely since I feel like no-one can understand what it's like to be me... and losin' my parents and grandparents all in a short amount of time too...
Okay, enough... blah blah blah... I'm done. :)
