URNotAlone

depressed again...

September 15th, 2011 1:42 am MDT

This is just kind of a depressed journal entry. Feel free to pass this one by as it's just me goin' on and on about what's buggin' me... :)

Been strugglin' with anxiety more than ever before over the last several months since losing my home and job. But a couple days ago, depression came back pretty powerfully. I think about my age and how badly I want to start my physical transition, but then think about how unsuccessful I've been with jobs over the course of my life and my age (did I already mention my age? lol...)

It keeps looking like I'll need to relocate to Oregon, which I've never lived in, in order to get some kind of help from the state because Washington, where I live now, has cut me off from any benefits other than food. I've been off my medication for depression for going on 6 months and it sucks. I'm scared to move over there though... scared of a lot of things.

I have varying degrees of motivation to want to get "well" mentally, but even less motivation to attempt acquiring employment, which is really not cool of me. I have such a hard time trying to make myself look good when I really don't believe in myself at all.

oh... blah blah blah... I'm gettin' older an' will never be the pretty little girl I wanna be... I'll never have enough money to become anything remotely close to how I wanna look... and more blah blah blah... ugh!

Okay, I'm done... lol