Journal Entries for Teri Clarke
Hi, I'm Teri (thank you Tiffany Club)
March 29th, 2012 1:05 pm MDT
Hi, I'm Teri.
Three simple words, but ones that had a profound affect on me this week. I have called myself Teri, online, for about 9 years. Until I joined URNA, last May, I was almost never called by that name. Since then, in chat and posts, I am Teri nearly everyday. Being able to be virtually Teri, has in itself been very liberating, and has unleashed a seemingly unlimited amount of love and feelings I have held inside for the people of our trans community.
I have, for a couple decades, gone out shopping and dining as a woman to mainstream places (always alone and far from home). But I've always been "anonymous female" browsing the clearance racks, or "random lady" being seated for dinner, and probably "are you kidding me, totally readable tran girl" walking through a mall. I've never known the feeling of actually being in the company of any of our sisters. And as comfortable as I have gotten sitting in a restaurant, waiting for the waiter's first impression, I have always been a little guarded in that comfort.
This past Tuesday, I walked into the Tiffany Club of New England's open house, near Boston. (a T support group, famous for organizing Boston's First Event). I walked up the stairs and was greeted by a beautiful person, Grace. I said to her, "Hi, I'm Teri". She replied, "Grace and other things that went over my head... for a little while after that, I got to say those three words a dozen times. I don't remember everything that was said back to me, as my mind was off considering what was happening. I had said the words, out loud. I'm Teri. I had never felt more happy and comfortable as Teri. And then, I came back to earth, and it wasn't a big deal at all. Normal never felt so good! We sat around a table and talked about our experiences. (I mentioned URNA enough, we may see some new faces joining here from the Boston area).
Everyone was SO nice to me. I felt so comfortable talking to all these strangers like we were long time friends, just like when I'm in the URNA chat room. But sitting there, looking and feeling like me, made it so much better. Time ran out, and no one rushed me, we stayed beyond the normal open house hours. I probably would still be there, the way I felt at that point...sitting there, in my favorite short sleeve sweater, medium length skirt, and boots, my leg's crossed, and feeling 100% totally normal.
I returned to my hotel, walked proudly through the main lobby as the back entrance I left by was poorly lit. I kept my eye contact and smile as I passed the front desk girl.
Back to my room where I should have been quickly removing nail polish and make up, but I didn't. I stayed up until 2 am, still fully dressed, savoring the experience, and chatting about it with my URNA girlfriends.
So what's the big deal? So Teri had a good time, why not keep it to herself?
Here's the message, Teri is 56 years old and just went to her first face to face support group. She suffered many years trying to figure things out all alone, that could have been learned and shared with others. The message is there is no need to do things backwards, as I have, which was to learn how to accept, and be comfortable with myself BEFORE seeking support. (Man that sounds really stupid when put into words!)
So newbie's, think about it!
Oldies (I mean "more experienced and mature people") as you can see, it's never too late, because even if you've figured it all out, there's no replacing being in an environment in which you feel totally accepted and safe.
I encourage all of you who have not gone out for face to face support, to consider it. I also thank the lovely people at Tiffany Club for being there, and for their warmth, and openness. This group has their own dedicated "house", with changing rooms and lockers etc. If you reside in the Boston area, you should give them a try. I can't imagine it being anything but positive.
They hold open house on Tuesday nights, for details, go to their website. http://tcne.org/
All my love,
Teri
xoxoxo
Thanksgiving with an asterisk
November 18th, 2011 9:55 am MST
I want to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! I have been so very fortunate in so many ways, but having been around all of you since May 2011, I have even more to be thankful about. I feel I need to share a sad story with you, again in order for me to put it to rest, once and for all. I believe I am ready to do that.
I'm sure many of you here have been through what I describe as the holidays with an asterisk. As a child, I was generally happy and thankful and could, to some extent, enjoy the celebration of holidays with family or friends. Still, with all the joy and love around me, there was an empty and lonely feeling. A feeling of isolation. It put an asterisk on my otherwise good feelings.
On the year of my sixteenth birthday, Thanksgiving took on a dark meaning in my life. I wasn't thankful for the good, only angry and depressed about the bad hand I had been dealt. With gender questions since very young, it was that year that I started to come to grips with the fact that it would never go away. Not having the courage to consult with anybody (and nearly 20 years before the www for information), I decided my life would likely be a waste. I pulled away from friends and family, and became self-destructive. There were a few times over the next months, when I was all alone, and got thinking about disappearing in one way or another.
Obviously, I got through that, and my life turned a corner. But over the many years of being closeted, many of the holidays and celebrations have carried the asterisk. Happy for others, but not for me.
This Thanksgiving doesn't carry that same asterisk, but instead feeling of great joy. I am finally getting to know people in our community, I have found so many beautiful people, who have monumental worth. All have suffered, many still do day to day, yet they show such courage and positive outlooks. It's a shame the rest of the world doesn't usually get to see this aspect of our community. I am so proud to be a part of it, and am trying my best to give back to it. A loving, caring and compassionate community. Wrapped around my feminine side was apparently a great deal of love and compassion. Opening up about that side has set that free, much to the benefit of my good friends here, but especially to me.
My local friends, with whom I have not come out, have taken notice that my smile is more constant, and I seem to be having more fun. My wife and kids have also mentioned that I seem to be walking a bit taller (which is helpful at 5' 7"), and my level of energy has increased.
So this year, I have a whole new big family to celebrate with. I wish you all the best on the road ahead, and hope you will continue to share with me your joy, but also your pain, trials and challenges. Maybe I can help you heal.
I am truly thankful to all my brothers and sisters at URNA. As for my friends and family on the "other side" of my life, I am truly happy for you, and yes, this year, for me too.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Teri
One more loss to the closet
October 3rd, 2011 11:14 am MDT
Hi all,
I usually try to publish upbeat journals. There's plenty of sad to go around without me adding to it. But this one is on my mind, heavily, and I need to let it out.
Those of us in the closet, to whatever extent that may be, often think about getting out of it. We weigh the potential cost in being in the open (affects on spouses, children, friends, employment) against the gains (less lying, less complications in expressing ourselves). For me, this has been an ongoing stalemate. I'm been having trouble seeing that the gains outweigh the potential losses or costs.
I had to take a very long drive, yesterday, which gave me a lot of time to think. I have many good friends here, at URNA. One of them had told me she'd be away for a few weeks, visiting family (without easy access to the web), and then she'd be back. That was two months ago. Checking her profile, it verifies that she hasn't checked in since before that time. Her trip was during the times of the earthquake and severe storms here on the east coast.
I've been leaving her emails, and IM's and notes, but nothing. I then started to post notes to some of her friends to ask if they may have heard something.
Then yesterday, after a few hours of driving and thinking, I realized I needed to stop trying to do anything to find her status. It hit me that if I were to find out that she was hospitalized, sick, or dead, of if something bad had happened to a family member, there is nothing I would do about it. Oh, I would if she were one of my normal life friends. I'd visit her or her family and offer support. But I can't, or sad to admit, I won't because I'm in the closet, and so is she. I'm only about 4 months into being in a community like this, so many of you were well aware, but yesterday, at age 56, I came face to face with the revelation. Being in the closet is more that being secretive. It deprives us of being the good loving and caring people we can, and need to be. I had to pull off the road for a break.
Right now, I'd be really happy if somebody could tell me that my friend Christy, one people I've related to most, is still around. I wouldn't even mind if she is, but just mad at me. The fact I may never know is one big cost of being in the closet.
Thanks for being here to listen.
Love to all,
Teri
Untitled Post
August 7th, 2011 4:51 am MDT
This is an updated post which was lost during the URNA server troubles.
Hi, I had a good time out last night. I had to work a bit late. The first time out, I went to a restaurant in blend mode. I wore a pink V top, black cardigan (lite weight), grey dress pants, black 2 3/4 heels. One of those times that I just loved my hair, makeup, outfit, and even the nails. The people were very nice there. I also shopped ( TJ Maxx). Then back to the hotel. I changed into my black dress. I didn't like the fit last time, but I lost 25# since. I loved the fit and went to go back out to Kohls. On the way, I noticed some big runs in the hose. I didnt have backup and I was about to turn back to hotel because i was a little shy about walking into cvs all dolled up, but then I asked, why not? So I went into cvs, got my ph, cashed out and I got back to shopping. The sales clerk was very polite ( a young girl). Nobody else in line, so when she handed me my change, she said, you look good... really good. It took me a second, but then I said why tha! nk you...you are wonderful! She probably has no idea how much she made my day/week/month...
UPDATE- The following night I had to go to dinner with my team. The place they picked for dinner was the same restaurant. That would have been interesting, but they changed their mind.
Love,
Teri
Untitled Post
July 29th, 2011 4:17 am MDT
My biggest cd mistake Confidence is key to passing, at least blending in public. But overconfidence can be bad. I had gotten fairly comfortable in a town and hotel I frequently visited for business. On the way to the hotel, I had decide to stop at a (c)Ross dress for less to check out the clearance items. Still in guy mode, I spotted a relatively small purse, exactly what I needed, for $4. It was nice, and had magnetic clasp. Easy to open and close. I bought it, checked into the hotel to become Teri. I was pushing to get out to a store before it closed, and got careless. I threw a few items, in including a hotel key into the purse and drove away. I bought a new pair of heels, 4 inch. I switched into them in the car, made a couple more stops, then headed back to the hotel. When I got to the entrance I pulled out my key card, the door would not open. Tried many times and getting to be panicked. I went back to my car and got in. Then I realized that I must have run the key card over the magnetic clasp on the purse, damaging the code. As I combed through the purse I found that I had not brought the spare key ( I always ask for 2). I also had not brought a "guy conversion kit", baggy pants, baggy shirt, makeup removal pad, nail polish removal pad, guy shoes. So it looked like I was stuck. I switched back to the low heels, grabbed my stuff and went to the hotel desk. Fortunately, no other customers there. I hand the attendant my key and said it stopped working. She said, room number, I replied. Your name, I replied. Can I see some I'd? I dug through the purse, I had forgotten my drivers license. I said it's in the room, on the desk. The attendant called a mgr. They escorted me to the room, I gave them the license, they stared at it at me for a bit, then said thank you, have a good night. So take a lesson, especially if you travel solo, 2keys, one not in your purse, ID ( if I had been stopped by a cop, I could have been brought in to a jail full of guys, guy kit, you might run out of gas or get a flat, full tank It doesn't take much to give yourself a lot of backup. Teri
Got my name at TJMaxx
July 8th, 2011 6:51 pm MDT
How I was named Teri. I had been an anonymous CD, with no name. I never was dressed with anyone I knew, so who needed a name? I was called m'am by waiters and sales clerks. I did consider names, especially "T" names like Tonya, Tina, Tara and Teri (crush on Teri Hatcher). One day, I was shopping for a dress and bra in TJ Maxx. Going through the check out , I was helped by a nice young girl. As she rang me up, she ask me if I wanted to donate a dollar to a charity. I was caught by surprise but since my guy self usually does contribute, I said sure. She the handed me a card with the charity's logo that had a blank for the contributor's name. I was at a loss for a second. Then I wrote "Teri" on the paper. My hand shook at first, but it looked right. From that moment, I was Teri. Not the full-priced Teri like Teri Hatcher, but the deep discounted Teri. Never pay full price! Hugs,
Teri
