Journal Entries for Teri Clarke
Thanksgiving with an asterisk
November 18th, 2011 9:55 am MST
I want to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! I have been so very fortunate in so many ways, but having been around all of you since May 2011, I have even more to be thankful about. I feel I need to share a sad story with you, again in order for me to put it to rest, once and for all. I believe I am ready to do that.
I'm sure many of you here have been through what I describe as the holidays with an asterisk. As a child, I was generally happy and thankful and could, to some extent, enjoy the celebration of holidays with family or friends. Still, with all the joy and love around me, there was an empty and lonely feeling. A feeling of isolation. It put an asterisk on my otherwise good feelings.
On the year of my sixteenth birthday, Thanksgiving took on a dark meaning in my life. I wasn't thankful for the good, only angry and depressed about the bad hand I had been dealt. With gender questions since very young, it was that year that I started to come to grips with the fact that it would never go away. Not having the courage to consult with anybody (and nearly 20 years before the www for information), I decided my life would likely be a waste. I pulled away from friends and family, and became self-destructive. There were a few times over the next months, when I was all alone, and got thinking about disappearing in one way or another.
Obviously, I got through that, and my life turned a corner. But over the many years of being closeted, many of the holidays and celebrations have carried the asterisk. Happy for others, but not for me.
This Thanksgiving doesn't carry that same asterisk, but instead feeling of great joy. I am finally getting to know people in our community, I have found so many beautiful people, who have monumental worth. All have suffered, many still do day to day, yet they show such courage and positive outlooks. It's a shame the rest of the world doesn't usually get to see this aspect of our community. I am so proud to be a part of it, and am trying my best to give back to it. A loving, caring and compassionate community. Wrapped around my feminine side was apparently a great deal of love and compassion. Opening up about that side has set that free, much to the benefit of my good friends here, but especially to me.
My local friends, with whom I have not come out, have taken notice that my smile is more constant, and I seem to be having more fun. My wife and kids have also mentioned that I seem to be walking a bit taller (which is helpful at 5' 7"), and my level of energy has increased.
So this year, I have a whole new big family to celebrate with. I wish you all the best on the road ahead, and hope you will continue to share with me your joy, but also your pain, trials and challenges. Maybe I can help you heal.
I am truly thankful to all my brothers and sisters at URNA. As for my friends and family on the "other side" of my life, I am truly happy for you, and yes, this year, for me too.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Teri
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Happy Thanksgiving to you dearest Teri!Goodness do I know what you mean on all counts but the wife.I certainly went through my negative period.(sadly this lasted far too long.)But on a brighter note we are now in the www age and so many new roads have opened.My sister who knows about my transitioning has pretty much accepted it for the reason you mentioned.My outlook and general attitude towards life has improved to the point she stops just short of encouraging me.(and as she is member of the assemblies of god church this says a lot)Here's to many more and even better Thanksgivings for all!
Teri,
We are as always, most Thanful for Loved ones and Friends at this time of the year. Sadness, regretfully, is usually an obstacle to most of us who identify as Transgender. This sadness is almost always because we girls dream of presenting ourselves to the ones we love as the girl we want to be. For me it means spending the days leading up to the Holiday primping and glossing from toes to nails to hair and makeup, and a Beautiful outfit complete with shoes and accessories, and most importantly, the unconditional welcome and appreciation of all in our presence. Anyting less than this, always was cause for feelings of dread and despair, from a very young age indeed, with similar dark thoughts of wanting to "Disappear" one way or another. I am extremely sad that due to ignorance and flat out rejection of "other" friends and family, I will force Robin into the closet for this day. Ironic, considering I will do most of the cooking and preparation alongside my Beautiful Wife, and yet because I was not born Female, I am expected to present as Male, or else be ridiculed and shamed. Hence, the feelings of sadness, seep in for yet another Holiday.
On the positive side, I know I have sweet and dear sisters like you, whom I can empathize and appreciate. All I have to do is click on your profile and BAMM! Theres a Beautiful friend with a Beautiful and understanding HEART!!!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Love Robin!!!!
First, special thanks to all who commented or responded to this post. It was painful to write, but today I feel so happy and I have been able to let go of the negative feelings from past holidays. It's through all of you that I can do this.
I would add that as I looked around the Thanksgiving table yesterday at my wife, kids and their significant others, and it was time for me to say grace, I got teary eyed and choked-up as I thanked God that we were all together. It was then that I thought about so many here that were probably not with their families or former friends, having been isolated from or abandon by them, simply for wanting to be true to ourselves. My wife and kids were looking a bit shocked as I couldn't quite finish the prayer. Although my wife now knows (again) about me, and that I have been getting support for the first time in my life online, she doesn't know how invested I am with so many people here. If I keep coming away from the PC in tears, things are going to become obvious.
I will share that with her, soon enough and I believe she will be proud of me for providing support and not just receiving it, and knowing her, she may be here to add support.