Karyn Danielle Schmahl
"Is in love with a fantastic lady"
© 1995-2008 URNotAlone.com, All Rights Reserved. All items © Copyright by their respective owners, used here with their consent.
Page generated in 7.99 seconds
URNotAlone
Accessibility Options
One step foward too many back
Tina October 7th, 2008 4:10 pm MDTSigh... Just as it looks like things are working out. All hell breaks loose. Begining to wonder what type of crap must have done in a past life to have everything that happened occured. Due to events beyond my control had to tell family about tina. Now the safty net i could allways count on is not there. Was a case i needed that net this past week and was politly told no. The wife's surgery did not go all that well, this included a few nights stay in ICU. Can tell hormones are effecting me, will be hard to pass as male soon. But no where near ready for work to find out. Bottom line at the point not sure if could ever go foward, $$ and everything. But also know if i do not transation nothing good will happen.[Comment on this post]
Moving
Tina September 20th, 2008 1:03 am MDTYes another move. This time to get away from an abuser. And he still tring to contact us! Biggest news if wife going in for surgery next week. This is very serious and have over a 6% fatality rate. So cannot sleep, and all my thoughts and prays are with her at the moment. Will let everyone know what happens. All this makes transitions stuff seem very very minor[Comment on this post]
Drive
Cassandra Kim September 13th, 2008 10:18 pm MDTFor the first time that's not a Halloween, I went outside as Cassandra tonight. However briefly, it was exciting to stroll out to the car in my heels though the stairs were no fun. My wonderful partner was accomodating enough to take me out for a short ride about town.I was reminded that at night most drivers don't really look at each other, at least around here, so I contented myself with just looking out with a fresh set of eyes so to speak. Returning home was slighly scary as one of the next door neighbors had her shades up and seemed to be looking out, then again so what! Cassandra was looking quite fine tonight and feeling that it's been too long since she was out anyway.[Comment on this post]
Unraveling Michelle Screening
Jenna Elizabeth Taylor September 7th, 2008 10:47 pm MDTLocal film maker Michelle Farrell will be screening her homegrown documentary at the Local film maker Michelle Farrell will be screening her homegrown documentary at theNew York International Independent Film and Video Festival OPENING NIGHT THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 18th - Unraveling Michelle Screening Saturday 4pm. The OPENING NIGHT PARTY and art/film market at MANSION ON THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18TH brings participating filmmakers, producers and artists together. Designed as an "open-air" market, the whole spectrum of the film, art and entertainment industry will be invited to attend thus creating a valuable opportunity for NYIIFVF and NYIAF participants to promote their projects and network with relevant industry professionals. Details: MANSION 530 W. 28TH STREET BETWEEN 10TH AND 11TH AVENUE 6PM-MIDNIGHT, Strict dress code: NO T-SHIRTS, JERSEYS, SWEATS, SNEAKERS AND BASEBALL HATS 21 and over only. No Exceptions http://www.nyfilmvideo.com/2008/ny-fall-2008/presrelease/opening-night.htm AFTER-PARTIES: Each night the festival will host after-parties at some of the best venues in New York. A list of our after-parties will be posted on www.nyfilmvideo.com and will also be listed in the program. We are doing our very best to get everyone in for free but venues marked with *** in the program schedule do have a reputation for being very trendy and upscale. We are also guests of the club. You must dress appropriately. NO T-SHIRTS, SNEAKERS, JERSEYS, BASEBALL HATS, BAGGY JEANS, SWEATS, ETC. ALL AFTER-PARTIES ARE FOR 21 AND OVER ONLY. NO EXCEPTIONS. PLEASE KEEP YOUR VIP PASS ON YOU AT ALL TIMES AT THE AFTER-PARTIES. Please email Annalisa San Juan at annalisa@itndistribution.com if you have any questions regarding the after-parties. REMEMBER, for 12 dollars(advance ticket) you get a movie and a party. Unraveling Michelle will be screened on Saturday 9/20 at 4pm. I hope that you can come up to support our documentary.[Comment on this post]
Summers allmost over
Tina August 25th, 2008 6:27 pm MDTWell manage to get past another summer, and the kids will be headed to the school buses again. Time does not stand still as much as we all wish it. On hormones so much breast allways feel a bit tender, and oddly my moods have settled down from what they where. Mostly things are the same as before. Took a few steps foward a step back. Will write more once the muse strikes me again. For now drawing a blank[Comment on this post]
I've made my decision
Elisabeth Marie Clark August 14th, 2008 11:41 am MDTI've finally come to grips with the turmoil in my head. I know that it's going to be a VERY long, expensive, painful process, and I know that I'll probably lose everyone that's currently in my "real" life, but I don't care anymore. I'm not happy, and I know that the only way that I'll ever be truly happy is not by falling in love with an incredible woman and getting married, but by becoming an incredible woman. It's the only thing that I think about whenever I'm alone. I know that this is what I have to do. I've dreamed about it ever since I was little. Just a few days ago the images of those dreams, after years of repressing them, came back into my mind. Whenever I used to hide from my brothers, I used to go out to our backyard and hide in the shed back there. I didn't really understand why I thought this way then, but I always wanted to believe that something would happen to me in that shed, and that when I walked out of it, that I would be a girl. I remember this very clearly now. Another event that had a profound effect on me was the movie Switch. After reading the plot of that movie, I used to wish that I was the main character in that movie, only difference being that I would totally embrace being female. I know now that it really was a woman pretending to be a man in a woman's body, but the whole time I used to think to myself, "I know I can walk in heels better than that." The movie came out when I was 8, but I didn't actually see it until I was 12, and by then I did in fact "master" walking in my mom's heels. Speaking of that, the first time I ever, you know, I was wearing a pair of 4" black heels. I was imagining that I was grown up, wearing a sexy black dress with them, my hair was long, and I was totally seducing this guy who knew that I was really a man. That fantasy was the total opposite of ones I had later on in life, because I was essentially "raping" the guy; he knew I was a man and wanted nothing to do with me, yet I forced myself on him anyway. Thinking about it, I got hard and thought I peed my pants, and to be honest, I had no idea what that white stuff really was. But I've gone off topic. Basically, I'm saying that the desire to be a full-time woman has always been inside of me. Most of the female characters I drew for art class where visions of what I hoped to become. And now, I'm going to finally put the wheels in motion to make my dreams a reality. It'll be a while before I can actually start (I need a better paying job that won't fire me because I'm trans, a lot of money and a lot of therapy), but I hope that everything that I do from here on is a means to the end, so to speak. If anyone can give me some advice as to what to do (or words of encouragement), then I'm all ears (or eyes, as it were lol). Wish me luck![1 comment]
Comfort level
Cassandra Kim August 2nd, 2008 9:09 pm MDTIt's finally feeling like Cassandra is coming into her own. BY the time I am done with makeup, clothing, lingerie, wig, heels, forms, and jewelry, I feel like she has taken over. And, it is such a comforting yet refreshing feeling. It's taken so many years, stops and starts, purges and worse, to get to this point...must be doing something right. Also getting to the realization that Cassandra wants to get out occasionally, meet other people, but the wife is not only accepting but slightly possessive. Liek she's worried someone else might find her girl cute too heehee. Ah, the dilemmas that a girl faces! What a fantastic summer it's been for Cass all in all.[Comment on this post]
What next?
Tina July 14th, 2008 3:09 pm MDTOK, i knew this was going to be hard when i started this road. Just does not make it any easier when things go wrong. Have a Birthday comming up and i am totaly dreading it. Because with have to deal with family who has let it be known i am making a huge mistake. Most of my life they have been the safty net, so know on the high wire without the net. Also since i been so busy have lost track of so many people, this weekend came from a suport group where felt like a stranger. So where does one go to make friends? Allways been a problem for me, and changing genders does not help. Far from a bar person, so tend not to hang out there. There is the online world but most tend to be away from me, or the ones that wish to meet well want to do something physical. Sure there are many like me that you see at a party hiding by the wall. You have to know me for a while, for me to feel safe to come out of my shell. Sadly this sometimes has the appearnce of being aluft. Does not help that all the mental anguest is causing me to physicaly get sick. (If you do not think one can effect the other that is a major mistake) Anyway figure this too will pass, but the question is when and where.[1 comment]
one week in transition
Natasha Manning July 9th, 2008 8:25 am MDTHi,It is has been over a week when I started. I do not see or feel any changes of body as of yet. It is just the start/beginning. I will keep you post it. Bye. bye.[Comment on this post]
Starting of my transition
Natasha Manning July 3rd, 2008 10:05 am MDTAs June 29. 2008, I have started my transition. My doctor has prescribe the medicine (one tablet of Premarin .625mg and one tablet of spironolactone 100mg daily) and did the blood work on June 25. I will try to keep a weekly log of my progress and any happenings during my transtion. I have started saving up for my surgery and scheduled a meeting with Human Resources of my transtion. I want this transition be as smooth as possible and have fun at the time. When I offically come out, I want to be notice, having my hair( highlighed about three shades lighter), nails done, a facial, and a new attitude. For the past two months, I have attend the Trans-Health conference in Philadelphia, DC Black Pride and DC Trans-Pride, volunteer for Baltimore Pride, and become a member of TransCentralPA in Harrisburg. I will be attend/volunteer Chesapeake Pride on July 19 and Harrisburg Pride on July 26. I will keep you post of any upcoming events in my area. Bye, bye.[Comment on this post]
HNG
Tina June 29th, 2008 2:58 pm MDTFor those of you who do not understand the term HNG = horny net geeks. If you spend any time online you ran across them. Was going to rant about admirers, but sure there might be some true ones out there. But the HNG outnumber everyone, incluing us. For the newcommers out there, sex as a woman will change you world. It is worse than crack. It different for eveyone, but for me the only time sex made sense. Before it was kindof like an out of body experence. But why does something so magical mean you have to keep your guard up? Because of the HNG, all they are doing is to get their rocks off and the do not care who the mess up to get there. They also no grrls just coming out are the most willing. Right now if run across someone they will have to agree to meet somewhere in public, and will not agree to do anything. After all since i am a woman in mind and tring to become one in body,i will demand to be treated as such.[Comment on this post]
Pronouns
Tina June 28th, 2008 6:57 am MDTOK Flying without spell check again. Topic is pronouns. This is a sticky point for all transsexuals, because most of the outside world is totaly confused on the proper pronoun to use. How many newspaper stories have you read talk about a Male to Female transsexual and allways refer to the person as HE? For some reason the incorrect use of pronouns just get to me. i know many in my family will use the masculen gender because at this point in time they cannot deal with my status. That i can understand, do not realy like it but understand. It taken a while but my wife now uses a gender nurtal term so she can use it no mater what. But in any type of online statements she allways refers to me as a wife. But what gets me the most is the use of both terms together, IE Male/female. As if there are two people. While this might be true of some transgender it is not true of transsexuals. i am not two people but one! i will execpt gruging the male pronoun only because not full time, but prefer the female one. It at the point where i avoid the public restroom unless it is one for both men and woman. Finaly it compley makes my day if while in drap mode someone Maams me. It happening more and more now. Bottom line when in doubt over pronouns ask, but will assume most prefer the use of the pronoun that reflets the gender they perceve themselves[Comment on this post]
More Real Life Stuff
Tina June 26th, 2008 5:56 pm MDT OK, it been a while since I added something. Real life been kicking my ass in the past few months. Tried to escape it by immersing myself in Second Life, but that only goes so far. One cannot run away from the problems all the time. Yet another anniversary of my daughter's death and what would have been another Birth Day as come and passed. No mater what you try and do time marches on, and you can never go back to the way things were. It moves forward never backwards. The same is true with transition, while I expected some of the results, it still does not make things easy when it hits you in the face. One of the basic cores to my being is that yourself means nothing, but it the family that means everything. When one member is down everyone else rallies behind the other in a time of need. Cannot tell you how many times that has saved me. Since I am now on hormones ended up having to tell all my siblings and parents. My sibs had no problem, it was my parents. At they figured had a fatal disease but in the end told them I was a transsexual. Now have the feeling they wished had a fatal illness. Keep getting told making a major mistake, and I am rushing into this. Now the relationship between us is stranded to say the least. Figure everyone will come around just will take a year or so. If not for the love of my wife and son, not sure where I would be. Another detail I am truly ashamed about, if figured someone I know was just a complete and total ass. Since found out they cannot help it and now wish they get the help they need. Because everyone deserves to be happy. How I failed to see this before have not clue, guess was too immersed in my own self pity. Will warn everyone going on hormones is not a cure all, nor did I expect it to be. It is a nice feeling and seeing the changes to me, and become what I know I am is totally overwhelming at times. Like most transgenders always wanted to end it all, and if it would not effect anyone else would have done that a long long time ago. Know I am very lucky since have a supportive spouse who totally loves me. Even when she is deeply in grief still manages to push that aside to show she cares. There are many people that lose everything in this process. What if that happens to me? While best not to dwell on the negative. It an important topic. As stated before if was just to for myself, and everyone left me alone would I do something stupid. In time that is looking at the past and now. Forgetting a very important part the future. All my life heard what cannot be done and why and I went ahead and did it. Transsexualism is just another impossibility to make possible. In the grand seem of things, it very important to finish this. Not just for me, but for someone in the future. That is totally unsure of herself and her gender. Feeling the dread and thinking it is overwhelming. But seeing that someone has manage to overcome gives them hope. It is the future hope that should drive all of us to be who we are.[Comment on this post]
new laws in colorado
Katelyn Michelle Jecmen June 19th, 2008 9:41 pm MDTok so as of this month a new law was passed in colorado stating that it is now illegal to discriminate on the basis of gender identity as well as sexual orientation this includes such things as the right to use of facilities(all of them to include bathrooms of choice) the right to credit applications, the right to employment, and so many more.Im not too sure about how long this will last as there are many opponents but if it makes it to stay than maybe other states can take from this example, i will tell you all this though governor Bill Ritter has my vote in all of his endeavors if not for him this bill would have never passed. on a personal note though i myself am doing ok, though i may have lost my car and alot of other bills have gotten way out of hand i feel that im hangin in there and this might actually be a blessing in disguise so i guess we shall find out[Comment on this post]
it's almost Summer.what happend to spring? lolz
Gothic Cemetary June 11th, 2008 7:27 am MDTWell hello again to all my lovely friendz and admirers! Wow..How fast does time go..hmmm? 0_0 lolz yes it does. As I was sitting at a local park recently and admiring the beauty of SuMMER..ok what happened to spring..:( yes we had quite the quickening of winter from 30's to suddenly warming to 80's but no lovely warm days and mild days of hog wash Spring..The mud factor of getting the car stuck and the windshied covered in what seems to be an array of lovely brown diarrhea..ewww gross..but funny..=p..reminds of a grave that has been newly dug then rained upon then you lye in and play dirl angel .oh what fun.. am I morbid?..just in spring related thoughts today!! haha!! But now my fiance' has put the A.c in..hmmmm hotness and of course do I ove black why because its a beautiful shade of night!!! well folks enuff' ramblings i'm off.. Bitez and Hugzz, Gothic_Cemetary[1 comment]
WAKE UP VIRGINIA!!!
Panda June 3rd, 2008 4:54 pm MDTTime to get out of the closet, mmm... I mean house. The Annual Norfolk-Harborfest This evet is FREE June 6-8, Town Point Park. The Annual Bayou Boogaloo and Cajun food Faestival Tickets are needed for this event June 20-22, Town Point Park. The Annual Hampton Jazz Festival The smoothes tickets in town June 27-29, Hampton Coliseum (Don't miss this one).[Comment on this post]
High Heels are Dangerous
Panda May 30th, 2008 5:51 pm MDTWEARING HIGH HEELS IS DANGEROUS TO THE WEARER'S HEALTH and serious injuries can and should be expected as a result. Anyone who wears high heels must do so at their own expense and must accept full responsiblty for whatever outcome, including any bodily injuries and death, that may occur as result of wearing high heels.[Comment on this post]
All About Wearing High Heels
Panda May 30th, 2008 5:44 pm MDTby J.J.Leganeur Longer feet enable one to walk better in high heels, especially the higher 5", 6" and 7 inch heels. The longer the high heel wearer's feet are the happier she should be.[2 comments]
Death' Duo
Sparrow Girl May 26th, 2008 8:31 pm MDT Death' Duo - 06 FEB 2007 - Sparrow I sped away to hide in the sifting swirling snow; Chill death nocked for you on my cold lithe-arched bow. Draw smooth, release! Ice pierced. Frozen soul. You hot, enraged, closed to see my eyes, my face, your enemy. Your sword a flame found my heart's heat. Slashed rage, pain, ire hell brand, souls' fire! Arrow burried in your breast my others quivered, still at rest All fletched like sisters for a dance. Curved wounds carved in my flesh your sweeped blade, with blood afresh Are too alike - it is not chance. Which hand drives death dagger deep? Whose black blood spills in mortal seep? Not yours. Not mine. It is ours.[Comment on this post]
But Pan you have such big feet.
Panda May 26th, 2008 4:43 pm MDTBut Pan you have such huge feet. Just like YENNY. Oh my dear, all the better to wear six inch heels with. Yes, yes I know, I know, I admit it I do have rather large feet. Now are you satisfied? This could be a bad thing or if you are like me you could see it as a good thing. I do admit that I miss out on some really cool shoes because thay only go up to size 11 (bad thing). I'm a size 12 (fem) so wearing a 4", 5" or even a 6" heel is not that difficult for me. Alright a 6" heel takes a bit of practice even for me. But you know I do it because I love it. Anyway the bigger the foot the higher the heel (good thing). Because really high heels are once again very fashionable (also a good thing). So for me big feet, not a problem.[Comment on this post]