Journal Entries for Serena Alexander
Double Life
December 29th, 2007 5:35 am MST
This is taken from my most recent blog on my Yahoo 360 page.
I have read with deep interest many blogs & Journal entries from T-Girls to try to help me find my place and where I am going to.
A lot write about their transitions and the effect it has on them & their loved ones. Those who are out & out CDs usually say nothing. It's a blank page maybe with a couple of 'leg' shots and a link to a couple of faceless friends.
I was worried that I would tend to towards the latter but definitely not! Am I heading towards the former? I don't think so but I find myself identifying more with them rather than the faceless ones. What I seem to have found is a double life which has a definite 'fading in' between both sides.
Am I 'blokey'? No way! I find being a man in the company of men for a prolonged time oppressive. Don't get me wrong I have fun as 'one of the lads' but not all of the time. This is probably how a genetic female feels when she hangs around with a lot of guys. When I return from time with the guys I have this strong need to be a woman. Is it a reaction or is it my true self coming out? However there are a lot of things I enjoy about being a man that I would find hard to give up.
From the female perspective (and my true male self) I definitely love hanging out with the girls, not to be all 'pink & fluffy' but to be able to chat, gossip and even be bitchy! This is what I expect to be able to do on-line too. However, the faceless ones seem to want to concentrate on the sexual side....'are you feeling horny' etc? Yes I might be but that line of conversation is boring & cliched. It is certainly not something I go looking for. Have I engaged in cyber? I'd be lying if I said I hadn't! The thing is men are just as easy to please in real life as they are on-line!
So where does this leave me? I have a wonderful supportive family. My wife allows me to be feminine in a lot of ways and I truly love her for that fact. My son is OK with it and seems to prefer the 'softer' side of dad rather than the 'angry man'. My job is great & secure. For me to transition would blow all of this apart. If I was single, in a different job & location then the chances are I would go F/T but I made a commitment to my soul mate 20 years ago & that holds strong to this day.
I am going to continue with the way things are but when I look at myself closely & it makes me ask questions. I have relatively soft features, not too many wrinkles (lol) and no adam's apple (honestly). My wrists, ankles & feet are slim & I have thick hair (yes it is a wig, unfortunately). Maybe my chromosomes are a bit mixed up, who knows. As you can see I have so many questions and maybe some of you out there can answer them?
Hugs & kisses
S
Rocky Horror
March 31st, 2006 3:20 pm MST
!!! Felt great!! Afterwards we all ended up at a local pub!!! Plenty dressed up & Rocky made a personal appearance!! Yet again many comments made in the pub!!Back to Earth
March 19th, 2006 5:49 pm MST
Well it's back to earth for me after my first ever night out, not in fancy dress!!! When I got ready on Friday what I saw in the mirror really pleased me!! Going out just in jeans, boots, a top and jacket felt so natural, it sort of belonged. Maybe there is more to come like this in my life, who knows?
I've posted a new main picture for my profile. Apologies to those who like my leather look but after I took this it looked like one of the most feminine pictures I had taken (and I've taken quite a few now!!) The smile is definitely genuine, I felt so happy in this dress. I hope that one day I'll be able to go out in it (maybe soon lol!!). Please let me know what you think girls (& guys!!)
Laura XX
Looked After!!
March 18th, 2006 6:24 am MST
I finally woke up and thought, oh s**t I've got to go out this afternoon (I am a rugby referee). There was no way I was going to get everything done before I went out when the phone rang, the game was off!!! Thank you, somebody up there is definitely looking after this girl at the moment. So, as I'm typing this I am stuffing my face with croissants and coffee, trying to soak up the alcohol!! It's slowly working. Time to play catch up.
By the way, a point of note, always remove your makeup before going to bed, even when your drunk!!! I looked in the mirror this morning and as Amanda Dragon would say....very bad, very bad indeed!!!
Kisses Laura
Carpe Diem!!
March 18th, 2006 6:16 am MST
For those of you who remember, 'carpe diem', seize the day, was used in the Dead Poets Sociey starring Robin Williams. Well I seized the day yesterday. My other half & son went to visit my Mother-in-law overnight. I spent the morning doing the housework (dressed of course!!). In the afternoon I went shopping and bought a fantastic pair of jeans (not a big brand name) & a lovely femme watch. I had originally planned to just go for a drive that evening, my first time out not in fancy dress!! However after chatting to a girl who was visiting my city I decided to go out with her!!
I put on my new jeans, a lovely top, boots and jacket and we went to a local gay pub, The Swallow in Plymouth. We were made to feel very welcome, the manager, Eddie, is a real sweetie. As I was driving, I dropped my friend off at her hotel and went home (litter of puppies to look after lol).
Two bottles of wine later at home (oooohhh!!) and spending most of the night chatting on URNA I finally went to bed, in a nightie!!! I felt so femme, it was lovely!!! How did I feel in the morning? See next entry!!
Personality
March 8th, 2006 1:55 am MST
I have spent years coming to terms with who I am. As a child there were all the thoughts about my sexuality (I suppose there still are, but maturity has helped) and why I dress etc.I have watched programmes about TGs (that term covers so many things & I like it), read literature, websites, blogs etc. The common theme is that when they are dressed they feel like a different person. I have my doubts about this. We all have one spirit/personality and it's only when we are happy with this that we can be our true self. Whether that involves maintaining the status quo or transitioning is a personal choice and should not be determined by the need to be a different personality.I enjoy my personality, he's become a lot softer, less arrogant and selfish because of his acceptance of his feminine side and here is the difference for me, she is the same person.As I've grown older I have realised that there have been missed opportunities to tell my wife which would have made our marriage easier. Now that she knows it has been easier for me to be who I am, Laura or S*****. The name really doesn't matter though. I'm me. Laura XX
Black Suit Photos
February 28th, 2006 4:36 pm MST
I took some photos today that I was really pleased about. They are the ones taken in the black jacket & pencil skirt in my gallery. I seem to be developing a look that I like & feel comfortable with. I'm trying to maintain the GG look rather than out & out drag queen!!!!Laura X
