URNotAlone

Double Life

December 29th, 2007 5:35 am MST

This is taken from my most recent blog on my Yahoo 360 page.

I have read with deep interest many blogs & Journal entries from T-Girls to try to help me find my place and where I am going to.

A lot write about their transitions and the effect it has on them & their loved ones. Those who are out & out CDs usually say nothing. It's a blank page maybe with a couple of 'leg' shots and a link to a couple of faceless friends.

I was worried that I would tend to towards the latter but definitely not! Am I heading towards the former? I don't think so but I find myself identifying more with them rather than the faceless ones. What I seem to have found is a double life which has a definite 'fading in' between both sides.

Am I 'blokey'? No way! I find being a man in the company of men for a prolonged time oppressive. Don't get me wrong I have fun as 'one of the lads' but not all of the time. This is probably how a genetic female feels when she hangs around with a lot of guys. When I return from time with the guys I have this strong need to be a woman. Is it a reaction or is it my true self coming out? However there are a lot of things I enjoy about being a man that I would find hard to give up.

From the female perspective (and my true male self) I definitely love hanging out with the girls, not to be all 'pink & fluffy' but to be able to chat, gossip and even be bitchy! This is what I expect to be able to do on-line too. However, the faceless ones seem to want to concentrate on the sexual side....'are you feeling horny' etc? Yes I might be but that line of conversation is boring & cliched. It is certainly not something I go looking for. Have I engaged in cyber? I'd be lying if I said I hadn't! The thing is men are just as easy to please in real life as they are on-line!

So where does this leave me? I have a wonderful supportive family. My wife allows me to be feminine in a lot of ways and I truly love her for that fact. My son is OK with it and seems to prefer the 'softer' side of dad rather than the 'angry man'. My job is great & secure. For me to transition would blow all of this apart. If I was single, in a different job & location then the chances are I would go F/T but I made a commitment to my soul mate 20 years ago & that holds strong to this day.

I am going to continue with the way things are but when I look at myself closely & it makes me ask questions. I have relatively soft features, not too many wrinkles (lol) and no adam's apple (honestly). My wrists, ankles & feet are slim & I have thick hair (yes it is a wig, unfortunately). Maybe my chromosomes are a bit mixed up, who knows. As you can see I have so many questions and maybe some of you out there can answer them?

Hugs & kisses

S