Journal Entries for Heather Nicole Chase
Best Day Ever!
March 14th, 2011 2:07 pm MDT
So yesterday was like the best day ever! I finally got up the nerve to book a makeover at Nikki's FemmeXStudios. Let me tell you, it was the most fun a girl can have!
We went shopping (me in boy clothes, but still fun) to pick out a few new things. It was my first experience openly shopping for girl clothes. Usually its the "I'm looking for something for my wife" or "drive by shopping" experience where I circle a rack of clothes a couple of times, scanning for sizes but never actually touching the clothes, and then when I find a size, grabbing the clothes and heading quickly to the register. Trust me, this was WAY better!!!
The saleslady was fun and amazing and totally accepting and so I had a great time and bought a couple of new outfits. Then after a quick side trip, we went back for makeup and dress up!!!
Now most of you girls are way smarter and way braver than I am so you have already probably experienced the wonder that is a makeover. I however, had not. Nikki was the first person to ever see me in person dressed up (not counting the nice salespeople at the mall)...so this was a big step!
I can't describe how wonderful it was! I SUCK at makeup so to have a professional do mine was amazing. I couldn't believe how she transformed me. I watched her apply the makeup so I could maybe pick up a tip or two, but staring at my half made up face topped with the skull cap and tape didn't exactly convince me I was going to look good. And then she stepped between me and the mirror to apply the wig. On it went, my view was blocked, she tossled it and styled it and when she stepped back I couldn't believe the reflection of me. I was daresay, pretty...maybe in the right light even a little sexy! 
Wow...who knew??? I felt so vain just staring into the mirror, tossing my hair and looking. For the first time I was able to glimpse the woman I've wanted to be all my life. For the first time I realized that I could look pretty. For the first time I got an idea what was possible...
This scene was repeated across several outfit changes and everytime she stepped back from fixing a new wig for me, I was amazed. I even looked good as a blonde!!! Again, who knew!!! I really had to give in to my vanity on that one and just stare...
Nikki is amazing!!! Go see her NOW...stop reading this and go see her...I mean it!
If I can ever get URNotAlone to let me upload the photos I'll post some of the new me!!!
Heather
Lost
July 2nd, 2009 9:40 pm MDT
I’ve lost myself…have you seen me? So long hidden…so long denied…almost forgotten now…almost a faded memory…where have I gone?
I used to have a voice but now I’ve been beaten silent. I used to have dreams but now I’ve been weighed down with despair. I used to have joy, have passion, have naivety…where have I gone?
What am I? What have I become? What was I? Freak…pervert…sicko…faggot…homo…are those labels or accusations? How can I defend myself when I don’t know who I am? Where have I gone?
Don’t get close to anyone…they won’t like the real you…the different you…the “I thought I knew” you…the “let me explain” you…the closed mind, the shocked eyes, the fearful heart, the bigotry, the hatred, the fear, the loathing…where have I gone?
Don’t draw attention…don’t stand out…never argue or provoke or question…blend in, fit in, get along, don’t rock the boat, acquiesce. Be agreeable; suppress your ideas, your passion, your light, your identity. Do it for the team, the kids, your parents, your spouse, your career, your future. What were you thinking? Oh how sad, oh what a shame, oh how disappointing. Where have I gone?
The sum of the many is greater than the one. Its for the best…its for your own good…you’ll thank me for this…But for how long? How long can you be lost before you truly forget who you are…what you dreamed…what you desired…what you cherished? How long before you are lost forever, before you no longer remember what you believed, what you felt, what you hated, what you loved? Where have I gone?
What I really am, what I’ve become, what I’ve always been…its not bad, its not evil, repulsive, sick…I am beautiful! I am passionate! I am creative and bold and compassionate! I am pure and real and alive! That’s what I am.
From the darkness of my self imposed exile I cry out these affirmations hoping they will give me strength…even for just a moment. Clawing my way up and out of the well of my despair…frantic for human touch…for validation…for acceptance. That’s where I am.
I can see the faintest sliver…glimmer…flicker of hope…of faith…of understanding. I am scared to show myself in the light…the harsh illumination of the world…of society…of friends…of family. They could never understand…accept…support…encourage…love? That’s where I am.
To make the first tentative steps across the chasm of the unknown…to overcome fear and hatred and brutality and small-mindedness. To find myself again…to unveil myself anew…to debut, to celebrate, to laugh and dance and sing and cry…that’s where I long to be.
Tomorrow or the next day…next week or next month. Sometime...really…I promise…I swear. One day, maybe not this year or even the next, but you just wait…I’ll do it and then just you watch! Won’t it be fantastic? Won’t it be incredible? Won’t it be amazing?
I’ve lost myself…have you seen me? So long hidden…so long denied…almost forgotten now…almost a faded memory…where have I gone?
