URNotAlone

Lost

July 2nd, 2009 9:40 pm MDT

I’ve lost myself…have you seen me?  So long hidden…so long denied…almost forgotten now…almost a faded memory…where have I gone?

 

I used to have a voice but now I’ve been beaten silent.  I used to have dreams but now I’ve been weighed down with despair.  I used to have joy, have passion, have naivety…where have I gone?

 

What am I?  What have I become?  What was I?  Freak…pervert…sicko…faggot…homo…are those labels or accusations?  How can I defend myself when I don’t know who I am?  Where have I gone?

 

Don’t get close to anyone…they won’t like the real you…the different you…the “I thought I knew” you…the “let me explain” you…the closed mind, the shocked eyes, the fearful heart, the bigotry, the hatred, the fear, the loathing…where have I gone?

 

Don’t draw attention…don’t stand out…never argue or provoke or question…blend in, fit in, get along, don’t rock the boat, acquiesce.  Be agreeable; suppress your ideas, your passion, your light, your identity.  Do it for the team, the kids, your parents, your spouse, your career, your future.  What were you thinking?  Oh how sad, oh what a shame, oh how disappointing.  Where have I gone?

 

The sum of the many is greater than the one.  Its for the best…its for your own good…you’ll thank me for this…But for how long?  How long can you be lost before you truly forget who you are…what you dreamed…what you desired…what you cherished?  How long before you are lost forever, before you no longer remember what you believed, what you felt, what you hated, what you loved?  Where have I gone?

 

What I really am, what I’ve become, what I’ve always been…its not bad, its not evil, repulsive, sick…I am beautiful!  I am passionate!  I am creative and bold and compassionate!  I am pure and real and alive!  That’s what I am.

 

From the darkness of my self imposed exile I cry out these affirmations hoping they will give me strength…even for just a moment.  Clawing my way up and out of the well of my despair…frantic for human touch…for validation…for acceptance.  That’s where I am.

 

I can see the faintest sliver…glimmer…flicker of hope…of faith…of understanding.  I am scared to show myself in the light…the harsh illumination of the world…of society…of friends…of family.  They could never understand…accept…support…encourage…love?  That’s where I am.

 

To make the first tentative steps across the chasm of the unknown…to overcome fear and hatred and brutality and small-mindedness.  To find myself again…to unveil myself anew…to debut, to celebrate, to laugh and dance and sing and cry…that’s where I long to be.

 

Tomorrow or the next day…next week or next month.  Sometime...really…I promise…I swear.  One day, maybe not this year or even the next, but you just wait…I’ll do it and then just you watch!  Won’t it be fantastic?  Won’t it be incredible?  Won’t it be amazing?

 

I’ve lost myself…have you seen me?  So long hidden…so long denied…almost forgotten now…almost a faded memory…where have I gone?

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