Alex Mills
"Is working his ass off before the holidays and wishing everybody a very merry Christmas and happy new year"
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New Photos Coming
Kimberly Elise January 6th, 2009 6:30 am MSTI had a formal makeover and photo session on Sunday, January 4th. Later this week I should have some new photos, my first big group of new photos since last May. They will include some casual "bare leg" looks with denim and flip flops, as well as some more dressed up office lady looks. Some of the photos will show off the pedicure I had (vivid pink nail polish). Also, my hair is in a longer style now, well below my shoulders. Kim :-)
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Another Day of Questioning
Ashley Lynn January 1st, 2009 8:53 pm MSTHere I am again today questioning my innate desire to dress. I replied to a post online and it turned out to be another old friend who is a dresser. Well the thing is, she's purging because of a child'd discovery of her things and due to the living situation. She's offered me Hormones, a six month supply. I'm questioning wether I should take them or not?
I've considered taking hornones for some time now. The idea of having real breast (even an A or B cup) is very exciting. My concern is, if I end up changing my mind, would I be stuck for life with breast? I know I've read about men that have grown them and then actually had a surgery to have them removed, which is something I don't think i want to experience. Has anyone ever experienced the use of hormones, even for a short time?
I know that my best bet is it see a counselor and discuss the issue with them. I'm making an appointment to see if a counselor can help. I'm a little nervous in that I could be going down a road that I might not be able to return on. It's like a fork and you have to choose a path. I hope that I make the right decision.
I'm curious to know what other girls have experienced around this topic. Do any of you have some real life experience you'd be willing to share?
Ashley
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My Story
Ashley Lynn December 31st, 2008 12:25 pm MSTI've started this journal to explore my understanding of my passion for dressing. It's consumed me for decades now and I'm finally confronting this issues and ramificaitons of it. Despite being in many hetero relationshihps, both long-term and short-term, I keep finding myself coming back to Ashley. My experiences with feeling shame, guilt and anxiety for the social, economical and religious ramifications have plagued my developing Ashley into an accepted part of my internal self.
For me, this all started some 30 years ago. It's sounds crazy to say that, but it's the truth. I was 6 years old and my mother told me to play somewhere. Not knowing what to do, I went to the attic to explore in the old boxes and suitcases. Finding boxes of womens clothing, I decided to try some on. I'm not quite sure why, but something inside told me to do so. The feeling was amazing. I believe it was a satin night gown, the kind you're grandmother would have worn, that hooked me. The feeling against my skin was almost overwhelming. That moment cemented my desires to dress as a woman. I know I was envious of women from that day forward. Along with the decades of envy, I also adapted the feeling of shame.
As I stood in the mirro and fantasized about what I was and could be, my brother bursted up the stairs. Upon seeing me in womens clothing, he laughed and ran downstairs to tell our mother. I can't remember a time where I felt more embarassed or ashamed of my actions. I took the clothing off and proceeded down stairs to make up some reason why I was dressed in a womans cloththing. I don't remember much of what happened after that night, except that my mother had said something about it being normal to explore. She is a good Christian, that to this day, I still wonder if she could accept my dressing. My brothers remarks and my desire has become my darkest skeleton.
My perceeding memory is that of walking through some yards and seeing womans clothing hanging on a line to dry. I'm not sure if I continued to dress in the attic, my gut tells me I did, but I'm sure my memory has faded and I can only recall the more memorable moments, like this clothes line. As I walked by, I noticed a pink pair of panties. They were the most beautiful panties I had ever seen. To this day, I wish I could find a pair. They were pink satin with a lace butterfly in the front. I remember how much I wanted to touch them, but I couldn't. Every day from then on, I'd walk by that house just to see the panties on the line.
One day, I got the nerve to walk in between the lines and I actually took those panties. ***I appoligize to whom ever they belong too. Please forgive me**** I rushed home to put them on. The feeling was overwhelming. I think I was about 12-13 years old at this time. Needless-to-say, I took more from other lines too. Again, I'm sorry to any whom I stole from at the time. From that day on, I would rush home to put them one and feel very fem.
I was entering my teens, I believe it was 8th grade. Shopping for clothing for school, my mother told me to go get some underwear. I went down the isle and saw the varying kinds. To my delight, I learned that men (it was the 80's) had some options with jockey and bikini. I wanted so much to buy these, but being 13-14, I knew my mother wouldn't. I left the store that day to only return and buy them. This was the begining of my desire to have clothing. It would later progress into the bravery to purchase womens clothing and lingerie. They made me feel a little like I was fem, but it was never the same feeling as those butterfly panties.It did bridge the gap between dressing fem and keeping within the social context of being a young man. I could always use the excuse that they were mens underwear, which would help to keep my secret safe. Secret is was, because I continued to keep if decades.
Later on, my compulsion grew. My wardrobe grew with the compulsion. As my collection grew, it became increasing difficult to hide. One day my mother found sever pairs of my panties. She was so nice. She washed them and left them folded with my male clothing on my bed with a note, "Who's are these?" Luckily, I was about 16 and I could use the excuse, "a girlfriends" and it would be plausable. Of course, I had to listen to the sex talk.
Shortly after that I believe I had my 1st purge. My girlfriend was very nice and I didn't want this secret to come out, so out everything went. In fact, I went on to marry that woman. I was able to surpress the desires for a few year anyways.
On thing that has made me feel some shame is that while I was married, I found my desire to dress was manifesting itself within my wife. At first, I would subtly suggest that she buy this, wear that, and dress this way; obiously the way I wanted to. I would purchase her lingerie and sexy outfits for her birthday, anniver., and Xmas with hopes of feeling it against me. She was a conservative woman, who I actually conviced to view porn and explore the more sexual side of our relationship. It wasn't until I found myself dressing in her things while she was gone that I realized that what I was doing was more than wrong. I would continue to try to over compensate the desire with being excessively masculine, but it didn't help.
Things didn't work out between her and I. We broke up for a variety of reasons. But now that I look back on it, I'm finding that my desire to dress (although I was never caught), was corupting my marriage. It was a plethora of little things that contributed to the unions decline, namely my decreased sexual desire toward her and my increasing desire to explore my bisexuality with her toys. She never caught me, but it was clear through my daily interaction that I was becomming less and less attracted.
For many years after this marriage and throughout my twenties and to date I would compulsively dress inbetween relationships. Sometimes, I would partially purge my things, but as the year went on, I learned to save those things I relished most. When dating a woman, I would seal up and store away my treasure chest of womanly things. Of couse, one a relationship went sour, I would quickly run back my desire to dress. I've never really blended that two. It's always been one or the other; dating a woman and being masculine or being single and dresssing. To this day, my wardobe had grown to fill a large closet. It takes many boxes to to pack everything for storage. My intimates alone fill two drawers and hang upon a 3-foot hanging rod. If I were to guess, I would have to say, I've spent thousands of dollars on women's clothing. You could say, this is a compulsion.
As my compulsion grew, so did my shame, which my brother instilled. I often wonder, if I had never been caught that day in the attic, would I have changed? Would I have developed into an open Transgendered person? Would my sexuality have changed. You'll often read about the trama of one event and it's changing someones direction. Although you often hear about the positive changes, I have to wonder, can there be negative changes too? Could my supression of these desires all stem from that one day in the attic? I'm using this journal to try to help me understand why I've made the choices I have and to help me decide what my next path will be. I would appreciate any thoughtful comments. If you're experienced something similar, I'd love to hear.
Till next time, Happy New Year! Everyone!
Ashley
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URNA DETECTIVES NEWS FLASH! DAN, JON & THE CASE OF THE MISSING JOURNAL ENTRIES!
Karen Reeves December 27th, 2008 8:54 pm MSTHi Everyone!
It appears that the case of the missing journal entry postings has been SOLVED!
I can see from my own list of the number of journal entries posted on my site that last June 4th was a busy day. I know I have posted quite a few journal entries over the years but not 53 of them!!! I can talk and write alot but . . . . .
Trying to repair the site the guys posted over 30 test entries on my site in just a few hours! When the site recently got repaired these disappearing journal entries suddenly reappeared. I just noticied this and have spent time deleting the test items.
I would suggest that everyone go delete repetative journal/test items to cut down on the clutter.
Thanks Dan & Jon for the great work in making Urnotalone such an awesome place!!! You have proved yourselves again!
*Smiles*
~Karen~
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HAPPY HOLIDAY'S 2008
Jackie Lee Thompson December 27th, 2008 8:14 pm MSTHi Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It appears the Journal is now working and we can now post new entries (THANK YOU DAN & JON!!!!!).
So, with that being said, I would just like to wish you all a belated MERRY CHRISTMAS.
And when it gets here......Have A Safe and Happy NEW YEAR!!!!!!
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Growing With Age
Lana Poulson December 23rd, 2008 6:51 pm MSTSo over the past little wile iv been changing growing up you could say. Iv become more reserved. Iv quit smoking yay me. And i have mcut out alot of people from my life that i just don't need to be around anymore. I don't really care for men at this point in my life i don't need a man. Nore want what comes with them LOL.
Anyways thought id write something and i did LOL.
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Merry Christmas 2008 To You All!
Karen Reeves December 20th, 2008 11:51 pm MSTHi Everyone!
It is that time of year and yesterday's/today's snowstorm just seems to add to the festive mood of Christmas. I know that getting ready for the holidays can be stressful and painful.
I enjoy all the bright lights, good cheer, parties, the presents, and Xmas dinner. But let us remember the true meaning of Xmas. It is the day that we celeberate the life of one person and the meaning of what it is to strive and have a better planet to live on.
Enjoy your holidays no matter your belief system!!!!!
*Kisses*
~Karen~
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Randon thoughts on dress size
Kathleen Monroe December 18th, 2008 11:13 pm MSTWell I imagine I will try this again, apparently I am not the only one having problems with it. I will let loose some random thoughts, and see what happens.
My latest obsession is now dress size, which is ridiculous, but nonetheless is bothering the hell out of me. I finally broke my personal goal of a size 10, but now I am eyeing a size 8. At what point do I call this silly, and just go with it? Hours and hours of spinning later, only to convince myself to do more. The way we are made to believe size really means something is a little sadistic, I mean nobody likes the fat girl, right? I have been up and down with this weight thing my entire life, and everytime I start to be satisfied with where I am, I take it a little bit further. The holidays usually make me nuts with this, and now I have a cookie baking party to go to this weekend; which will be great fun, but I will probably gain ten pounds. I would be interested to know how other girls feel about the whole size/weight thing and what their keys to success are.
Also, finally found a great outfit for the holidays! A little retro, a little glamour, ought to be great! I am going to try these fabulous boots i found with it, so we will see.
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Sigh
Nicole Samantha James December 11th, 2008 2:02 am MSTWhat the hell am I doing? I moved out of LA because it was so stiffling then I get here to Arizona and before the month is out I had slept with 6 guys. Then I get pissed at myself and swear I will never do it again but the next week there I am on my back again making some guy happy. I get all femmed up and watch as even my voice changes ok well maybe I listen you cant really watch your voice change now can you?
On a lighter note Im having this dream where I find a bar of soap in a box so not just soap thrown in the street. On the box is a picture of a hot girl. I was with the soap and become that girl on the box. Turns out she is a stripper so now I am dancing at the local gentlemans club. One question why on earth is it called a GENTLEMANS club.
Im Nicole James and I am not really sure I approve this message
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Journal Part Deux
Kathleen Monroe December 5th, 2008 9:52 pm MSTJust trying to do the journal thing again, I somehow always manage to mess it up somehow. Anyway, in need of a little superficial girl talk. I am seriously considering a new hairstyle and color for the holidays, maybe just highlights, I don't know. I have been trying new eye makeup techniques too, a little heavier than I usually go, but it seems festive, you know? I can usually get away without a ton of makeup, and I never wear false eyelashes, but I really want to look good for a couple parties I will be going to. MAC is good stuff, but I always end up looking a little too drag queen if that makes any sense. And no, I am NOT hating on drag queens! I love 'em. Maybe I should have said "entertainer", hell I probably just made somebody mad, so I will just give that line of thinking up! This time of year always makes me gain weight. I know it's the time of year and not all the cookies right? Haha. I have been in a size 12 all year, and know I will probably ruin it in a month. Then I get to start the New Year trying to go straight to size 10, which I haven't seen for awhile. Sometimes a girl just has to vent and be a little silly you know? I'd be interested to know if any of you other girls out there have any thoughts on the eye makeup thing, and swap notes if possible. Anyhow, I must run, I will post later. Hopefully my journal will work this time.
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Not For Sale!
Morning Glory December 4th, 2008 3:03 pm MSTI am writing this because I am in a ranting mood right now. I keep getting emails asking me if I want to hook up and all that. I am not a prostitute. Yes I like to dress sexy sometimes, but that doesn't mean that I am for sale. I know there are escorts on here. Why not bother them. I am a lady and I am to be respected. Got it?
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whats wrong?
Brianne Cox December 2nd, 2008 9:15 am MSTI have tried to post a few journal entries but i havent been successful as of yet. I guess lets see what this does, then I can let everybody know what is going thru my head, scary huh?
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ponderings!
Brianne Cox December 1st, 2008 4:56 pm MSTI never noticed till recently how many guys liked girls like me, I mean have you ever just thaught about that while you walked thru town. I have started watching people as i go thru my daily life not always en-femme mind you and I have realized the more feminine I look and act the more guys check me out. I am not talking about just staring but mostly more subtle looking out of the corner of their eye, if you catch them they turn red and look away like a scared little kid. i thaught for a while they were just talking thrash as soon as i walked by but when I started to pay attention most try to hide the fast they even looked. I think it is a shame that we as a society can't allow people to enjoy certain things without trying to make them look like perverts or worse. Think about all the women who look at other women that is ok to most everybody but a guy looking at a guy thats just sick even if he does look more female than male right down to the painted toe nails and fresh manicure. I just thaught I would share with everybody, anyone else think I am crazy?
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Dont Give Up!
Brianne Cox November 30th, 2008 1:27 pm MSTI am yet again realizing what I have lost over the years. I have been looking at other girls profiles and remembering how many times I said I wasnt going to dress again. I have also been noticing how great some of the younger girls bodies are and thinking of what I could look like if I hadnt ever cut my hair or stopped my exercise like I have done several times before. I used to have hair down to my shoulders, yes that is a wig in my pics, I used to do femanine workouts that I would find in the back of Shape or one of the other girls exercise mags. I dont have the body I had a few years ago and I miss it, freinds tell me that I am doomed now that I am thirty but I know I could look better if hadnt given up. I can say this to anyone who cares to listen if you are really into your femme self and I mean seriously not just like to dress up to take pics but if you love the feeling of a soft shaven body and like to play with your long hair and do your makup, dont ever let anyone dicourage you I have more than once and looking back I miss the person I was. I know most of you will have the same things to go thru I have and I can assure you it is easier to be yourself from here on out than to have to start all over again, take it from someone who knows. I knowit is better to follow your heart, I now know I will always dress and now I have to go thru all of the crap again growing my hair out getting used to shaving again and I am going to have to break it to a new bunch of freinds. I know it is gonna suck and I might lose a freind or two in the process but it is something I am going to have to do. I hope I may have helped some of you if not sorry I wasted your time but I have been down this road more than once in the past 20 odd years, till next time. Luv Ya, mean it Bri
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Untitled Post
Brianne Cox November 28th, 2008 8:46 pm MSTJust curious, does anybody else every just crave some bondage every now and then? I mean the mood just hits me all of the sudden and I will go crazy trying to get tied up! I will do a little self bondage now and then to curb my appetite but just it just makes things worse. I have learned finding the right person to help you get your fix can be the hardest part of all. I am not going to let just anybody tie my elbows together behind my back and play around with me, it takes trust and finding Mr. or Miss. right can be exhausting. I could use a good night tied up tight right now, OH THIS SUCKS! I am really in the mood now, a lot of good thinking about it did.
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The Beginning!
Brianne Cox November 28th, 2008 8:19 pm MSTI apreciate the welcome I have received and look forward to meeting some friends here. I took the pics I have up now about a month ago its ok but I have several more that I think are better. I will be putting them up when I get them on my computer.
thaks again, Brii
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Untitled Post
Tiffany Storm November 18th, 2008 5:54 am MST<a href="http://tgstrom.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i319.photobucket.com/albums/mm441/Tiffstorm/website.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a>
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Untitled Post
Tiffany Storm November 18th, 2008 5:52 am MST<a href="http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vdGdzdG9ybS5jb20=" target="_blank"><img src="http://i319.photobucket.com/albums/mm441/Tiffstorm/website.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a>
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GOOBLE GOOBLE GOOBLE-Some November Thoughts !
Karen Reeves November 16th, 2008 10:00 pm MSTHi Everyone!
I hope that all of you have a great Thanksgiving. We all have, though it may not seem that way many times, so much to be thankful for. The next time you get down emotionally remember that things could be a whole lot worse. Many people are in that predicament.
Don't each too much turkey!
*Kisses*
~Karen~
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Never done this, so....
Riki B November 16th, 2008 9:37 am MSTWell, I got invited to a concert for next Sunday. And it will be the first time I've been to a "non-crossdressing" event all dressed! I'm really nervous and excited at the same time.
Work at the shop is still keeping me really busy, as usual!
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